Nerd urgent help with toddler

[TidyPearlPoster]

I have a 2 year old and look after him myself.

He's generally well behaved etc but I'm out of my depth. I work full time. I've contacted health visitor and a step below social services for help.

They offer an online parenting cause which I thought wasn't that useful. There is no other support and I'm on a 12 month wait list for help with my emotions.

I was also under the care of perinatal mh before being discharged at 2 months pp to go to local services who all passed me around until I went back to work and this couldn't afford the time to access any further services (i don't WFH) and to be honest it wasn't helpful.

I'm out of my depth with being a parent. I don't know how to parent and can't stand his crying. My ears feel it and I go into a blind panic. For example we were in a toy shop (trying out bikes so he needed to be there) and we came to leave. Looking back I should have told him we are leaving etc but I honestly don't think it makes a difference as he wanted to play. I put him in the trolley and the screaming and not being able to step away (Because he would fall out of trolly) was awful. It's also the hitting and hair pulling (doesn't normally hair pull and I think it was an accident).

I can't act like that again, I can't feel those emotions again.

So what can I do?

He's aged out of home start (we did have a referral and they didn't accept as too busy). Health visitor team have sent a new one but with me working and him over 2, they won't accept the referral.

It would be easy for someone to say - you just have to control your emotions, I clearly can't. So don't be unhelpful.

@TidyPearlPoster you asked for help.. that poster was giving you a suggestion. Your reaonse was unnecessarily spikey.

You sound overwhelmed…how much time do you get to yourself? Toddlers are very intense…
Do you have the means to take your son to soft play and let him charge around whilst you get half an hour to yourself?

With mine, preparation time was key, setting expectations.. i learned the hard way.. I ma not natutally good with kids.
So talk yo thrm, we are going in the shop for 5 minutes only, prep them for leaving.
Tbh i avoided and still do avoid shopping with my kids for anything. Its a pain in the arse unless its something they are actually getting for themselves. I just didnt and don't bother unless its unavoidable.
Distraction works. Instead of just leaving.. say 'were going now to get a snack or homr to play with your favourite toy, or whatever you can think of.'

Sure Start were Children's Centres around 2010 where parents could take their kids and the practitioners would run courses a d offer advice on issues to do with raising little ones. The kids played and the parents chatted and swapped ideas.

The government are trying to reopen something similar for current parents.

Re: batch cooking. I allocate about 4 hours on a weekend once per month and cook about 4 different meals in bulk.

I portion them out into takeaway boxes and freeze them.

Things like chicken curry, bolognese, veggie chilli etc

To save time in the week, I batch cook pancakes and put the excess pancakes in the fridge between baking paper. Then I warm them in the microwave for the kids for the next couple of days and add fruit to them for breakfast.

Just a thought, but, do you enjoy your job or do you find it draining/overwhelming?

personally I think being a carer could leave you very depleted & make parenting a 2yo (especially solo) very difficult.

would it be possible to find a slightly less emotionally demanding job, to give you more bandwidth to deal with this stage of you sons growth?

maybe a PA to one disabled person? Or cleaning? (Physically hard but not so much emotionally!) or whatever you did before DS (if you weren't a carer)

No this is a mumsnet thing that someone tries to add the label on every frigging post.

I can’t sign post you anywhere or really help but I wanted to say, you aren’t bad at parenting, my god its rough with two parents never mind one & it sounds like you had or have PND.

google some self help for PND, there will be actions that you can do that will help cos the NHs is a bit shit!

its a lot when a toddler has a massive tantrum, I still remember the screaming, be kind to yourself when it happens, deep breaths & you will get through it. Sure there will be plenty of helpful techniques from newer mums with this.

you sound like a great parent by the way, you want to protect your child & not see them hurt or upset. You have made it through 100% of the days since he was born so far just remember that & it will get easier

Also this. My mum REALLY struggles with my toddler. She is a very anxious and perfectionist person, she's on antidepressants so she can function, and has very fixed ideas about how babies/children behave, what they like etc and she just doesn't know what to do when my toddler doesn't conform to expectations. I was raised by other relatives mostly so she actually has no experience of toddlers and she had such high expectations of being a grandma, she's really deflated. Zero patience. So frustrated. She also really hates not being productive so she cannot stand just sitting and playing, she expects toddler to sit there with toys while she gets on with cleaning or whatever and it just doesn't work that way. She's been in tears at the end of a day with us because of it. There's no solution to it, obviously she's just grandma so she doesn't have to really deal with the issue.

But OP as a parent needs to just accept it's super hard, toddlers don't do what we want them to do, their crying is awful to all of us, and it's just a stage of life. Lower expectations, make choices accordingly.

@Cinderbell
Hi, thank you for replying.
Very helpful advice, I am going to try batch cooking this weekend.
Batch cooking pancakes is a brilliant idea.

Yes I think the government starting up the Sure Start thing would be good.

Thanks again xx

Omg know exactly how you feel. Went to a cafe with my (normally chilled) 2 year old the other day and she had an epic meltdown when we came to leave. Screaming, i couldnt get her in the buggy. I felt utterly panicked and sick. How do other parents manage this??

I am not sure how much help you will
get if you keep being so chippy rude to posters who are genuinely trying to help you.

I echo the advice to see your GP.

I used to feel like I was going to have a panic attack when my dc cried. I couldn’t catch my breath and I just needed the noise to stop. I would just totally lose my head.

some things that have helped me are

• being prepared for sticky situations. Just knowing they’re going to be upset if we leave a toy shop for example. I’m not saying you can’t go, but just knowing there’s going to be a problem means I can brace myself and almost mentally prepare for it.
• distraction - I have games and songs lined up on my head that I call on so frequently it doesn’t even require any thought now. Whilst I’m doing that and the screaming lessens (but doesn’t always stop!) It frees up enough space to think of other songs and games that might be better in that moment.
• If they’re safe, I literally close my eyes and take a deep breath. It’s a second to stop and slow down and realise this isn’t an emergency. It’s a safe, cared for child have an emotional response, and that’s ok.
• I think about why this is happening, and I try to be empathetic. If I’m feeling sorry for them and understanding that it’s difficult for them, there’s no space to be annoyed and stressed.
• I treat them with respect and try to think how I would want to be treated if I were them. Would I want someone to take a toy away from me, or say no to a snack I want or whatever else. What might help in that situation. Eg a warning that the toy is going to go in 5 minutes, or an offer of a different snack.
• getting more sleep at night and eating better foods. Not always possible but I try to do it when I can so I overall feel more recharged.

if you can try to imagine an example of it happening, and think about what you were feeling in that moment. What do you think it says about you if your child is crying. Where do you feel that tension, what are your worries.
I know you’ve said it’s just a loud noise, but presumably all loud noises don’t bother you in the same way. So thinking through here what’s at the root of the emotion here (deeper than ‘my child is sad’) might help you find the solution.

I think that’s a wee bit unfair - the poster was merely saying if you do have expectations maybe look at them and dial them down if you can, that that might be an issue that might help. That’s how I understood it. Clearly you need structured help, but given you don’t have that in place because you have been passed around etc, and given you have asked for advice on MN, suggestions of what you might be able to consider that might be within your control (we have no idea) is all anyone can do, isn’t it?

With all due respect, she isn't the one struggling and begging for help. You could have ignored it but chose to get cheeky.

Bizarre.

I just had to rugby carry my 3 year old out of tesco because he was carrying on doing things I asked him not to do. I tried distraction, games (let's play shopping list etc) so when that didn't work I gave 2 choices, warned once that if he carried on we would put the basket down and leave. We then did. There was some screaming. It's not often this happens but in public it's harder. I've found that the choices, the warning then following through is starting to help. I also have found that with mine a lot can be avoided by keeping things as full of games as possible and making transitions sound exciting. If he hits it's a firm no hitting or I won't let you hit me. Then physically block. Throwing is the same but remove the thing or them from the thing. Anything less harmful is just warnings then remove them from the fun, but stay with them whilst they calm down. I just try and breathe and then when they're calming I say I can see you were angry because X. They won't listen to this before they've calmed down and honestly it's a lot more effective when their speech is further along, closer to age 3. In the moment I've found it can help to remind myself that they are only 3 and literally don't have the parts of their brain that help them regulate themselves yet, they need to grow that by watching/copying us and it helps me feel less angry because I can see that it's just not biologically possible for them, it's not a choice. I find it gives me more patience.

Probably because you've just told everyone that you can't cope with the reality of that decision. Like your decision to have a child.

Well I hope you’re more polite to your clients than you are with posters here.

If you’re used to dealing with difficult clients, you can use the tools you’ve developed at work with your son.

It’s a usually a question of a deep breath, patience and forbearance. When mine screamed in shops I usually just took them outside.

We have a son who is almost 3 and a baby - both are great kids but have their moments when things don’t go their way. What’s really helped us with our toddler is setting timers. Before, if we had to leave somewhere or go and get ready for bed or something, we’d give him a warning it was happening soon, but we realised that ‘soon’ or ‘5 minutes’ didn’t mean much to him and he’d procrastinate or throw a tantrum. Now we say, ‘ok, we have to leave in 5 minutes. Let’s set a timer’, and by some miracle, every time the timer has gone off, he’s just accepted it and goes on his way. Could be worth a try in situations like the shop?

It’s very very hard when they’re this age. But it does pass.
Its an old book now, but I can recommend Toddler Taming by Christopher Green. I had no family support nearby and DH was away a lot with work and I needed something to help stop me going crazy!

I'm sorry you are going through this. My little one has just turned 3 and the last year has been awful. He has calmed down a bit, but it has been so stressful.

If your son goes to nursery, is there any way you can ask them about techniques they use to help with listening? We found our nursery has been a great support and the staff have always helped us when we have had behavioural issues.

I would recommend Emma Hubbard on YouTube as she has some practical parenting tips which may help. (My husband calls her "the stern Australian lady).

Good luck.

I agree with others to lower expectations. Try not to fix every tantrum or be able to find a solution. I've got three DC and I think by my third, I had learned to go with the flow, practice breathing exercises to stay calm during their meltdowns, or try to find a way of distracting them if possible.

I remember my eldest DD having the biggest meltdown ever outside the school after a long day aged 5, rolling on thde floor refusing to get up. It was interesting and... intense. 😅😒😳 I felt a terrible parent trying to hoist her up, but didn’t resort to shouting too much as I think others were looking sympathetically?. She is now a brilliant 15 year old, and doing amazingly, extremely intelligent Oxbridge material.

Children are sodding annoying at times and very hard work, but they are worth it. Honestly. ❤️

Exactly. Patience and saying "this too shall pass" is my mantra 😅

Do you have to work? Or at least full time for a year or two? There is no shame in not working especially when you are a lone parent with a 2 year old. Surely you are entitled to benefits, especially with your mental health struggles.

I know spending more time with him may sound like the last thing you want or feel you need, but it may give you both time to learn to get to know each other better.

I was a lone parent and I went back to college full time to do an Access course when he was 10 months. A year later, I went to uni. I did it to get away from being a mum and regret it. I should have done it when he was in school. Much of my focus was on how trapped I felt. I hadn't been ready to be a mum, certainly not a single one. Going to college full time in that head space was unnecessary pressure at that time. He's 18 now and if I could go back in time and try to enjoy him and motherhood more, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Just something to think about.

His speech hasn't come in yet, so his behaviour is his way of communicating with you. Unfortunately, it's something that is hard for you to tolerate. I can't remember now what techniques or tips I used to get through. A lot of it is a blur now. But I remember the negative emotions in the first few years and wish it was different. I genuinely hope it works out for both of your sakes.

It feels like you have to parent forever, when they start to pull back in their teens, it's surprisingly harder! 😬

I have MH issues and struggled with mine at this age too (15 months apart so I empathise) the lack of support for parents is diabolical too. I found this book very helpful - How to talk so little kids will listen. Also one called How to stop losing your sh*t with your kids. The second one was very helpful actually I still go back to it occasionally when they're being arseholes difficult.

A bit similar to the resource a PP posted, you have to pay for them but there are online courses that teach distress tolerance and emotional management so you can parent without getting triggered - which can lead to stress, overwhelm, shouting, anger, frustration, guilt etc. etc. And as the PP mentioned it can be very influenced by how you were parented or your childhood experiences. It sounds like the free local resources haven’t been much help so I would start to look at paid resources

He's his own small person and toddlers are gonna... toddler.

This is so spot on! Toddlers ARE just gonna toddler! Despite all our best efforts to rationalise their behaviours.