Nerd urgent help with toddler

[TidyPearlPoster]

I have a 2 year old and look after him myself.

He's generally well behaved etc but I'm out of my depth. I work full time. I've contacted health visitor and a step below social services for help.

They offer an online parenting cause which I thought wasn't that useful. There is no other support and I'm on a 12 month wait list for help with my emotions.

I was also under the care of perinatal mh before being discharged at 2 months pp to go to local services who all passed me around until I went back to work and this couldn't afford the time to access any further services (i don't WFH) and to be honest it wasn't helpful.

I'm out of my depth with being a parent. I don't know how to parent and can't stand his crying. My ears feel it and I go into a blind panic. For example we were in a toy shop (trying out bikes so he needed to be there) and we came to leave. Looking back I should have told him we are leaving etc but I honestly don't think it makes a difference as he wanted to play. I put him in the trolley and the screaming and not being able to step away (Because he would fall out of trolly) was awful. It's also the hitting and hair pulling (doesn't normally hair pull and I think it was an accident).

I can't act like that again, I can't feel those emotions again.

So what can I do?

He's aged out of home start (we did have a referral and they didn't accept as too busy). Health visitor team have sent a new one but with me working and him over 2, they won't accept the referral.

It would be easy for someone to say - you just have to control your emotions, I clearly can't. So don't be unhelpful.

You're being very prickly OP, when really all everyone here is trying to do is offer you support and help you think up solutions, ie by avoiding a situation which may upset you.

He sounds like a lovely, normal boy, which means you are doing a lovely job with him. You're biologically programmed to find his crying difficult to hear (how else would we survive if we didnt feel that innate instinct to protect our children) Of course it wont always be like this, there will always be challenges but they change, as he acquires more language he will (hopefully) be able to express himself in different ways. Counting to 10 or thinking of something you can smell/touch/hear/taste/see can be good strategies to ground yourself and feel calm.

Would noise cancelling earphones help, like the loop ones, help? Or playing music?

Can your child be easily distracted when he is crying?

Things that MIGHT help with transitions, depending on his level of understanding, would be giving warnings (5 minutes , 3 minutes, 2 minutes, 1 minute, now) , choices (would you like to walk or go in the pram when we go, should we go tesco or b&q next, do you want the green pjs or the blue pjs when you get out of the bath, etc) , the promise of something “better” when viable (something like we can go pets at home next to see the bunnies, we can go to the park after, we’re going home to watch cartoons/play with your new play doh/ play in the garden). None of this is instant or a magic wand, but in time and with practice, you will both get better at this.

You could try giving verbal warnings - verbal countdown, or set an alarm on your phone - if you’re at home, you can use a sand timer so they can see how long they have left eg in the bath, or watching tv

Nothing useful to add, OP, but just wanted to say ignore all the nastiness here. You're posting here for help as you're struggling and decent people will have empathy. Ignore the others (TidyPearlPoster).

Oh, and the screaming and crying drives many parents mad so don't let people make out that you're strange in some way. You're not!

I did a parenting course and I still have a quote on a fridge magnet that I bear in mind all of the time:

'What you pay attention to is what you get more of'.

My kids are older now but I found the ages of around 2-3 really hard and exhausting.

It sounds like you need a break and you don't get it because of work.

Do you have a partner or a family member to give you some regular respite? If not, then you need to train your mind to not feel guilty in putting yourself first from time to time. Easier said than done and it's taken me 15 years to finally take my own advice.

A good friend who had 3 under the age of 14 months said to me when I had my first born "Don't do anything that makes your life harder".

So, getting a break could be:

• putting your child in a leisure centre crèche for a couple of hours while you get a coffee or a swim.
• Putting your child to bed earlier and putting your feet up.
• Buying in easy food or batch cooking so that you're not making meals from scratch every single day.
• Taking an annual leave day and doing absolutely nothing except relax.

Sure Start centres helped me and gave me a chance to chat to the staff there to get things off my chest. The staff noticed when I looked particularly haggered and told me to make myself a cuppa while they sat and played with my child. I think they're reintroducing them but no good if you work full time.

The time to start instilling some discipline and form boundaries is now so that you get respect when they're older kids and teens.

Very clear boundaries about never hitting Mummy and spelling out a consequence for doing so and following through with that consequence.

Minding your Ps and Q's

Helping with basic tidying up.

Lots and lots of praise and pointing out the small things that they do that are kind of good behaviour. "Mummy loves it when you use gentle hands".

Maybe consider using your staff wellbeing to get some counselling just to talk to someone about how hard it is raising a 2 year old. It helped me to talk to someone I didn't know about how hard life felt

He's emotionally illiterate because he's tiny. You seem like you have problems with big emotions too. You both need to understand at a deep fundamental level that they're not harmful and that they pass.

Name the emotions out loud, yours and his. Narrate the whole awful experience out loud to him like it's a football match and you're the commentator. Try very hard not to sound angry or judgemental, try to make your voice factual and boring, like you're talking about the weather.

He's screaming out loud, full on tantrum because he has to leave the toy shop. You say "You sound really angry because mummy said we have to leave" And you carry on bundling him into the trolley. As you're doing that, you say "You're making a big noise, you want to show how angry you are" If he goes to hit you, hold his hand so he can't and say "I won't let you hurt me"
Talk about your feelings "wow, I'm feeling stressed now, I'm starting to feel angry too" and tell him what you're going to do about your feelings "I'll feel better when we get outside into the cool air and the wind blows on my face" or "I'm going to try to take 3 deep breaths now to calm down"
It's not a conversation that you need to stop for, carry on getting him out of the shop. You're just talking about it at the same time.

Don't expect it to work soon. It won't. But if you're consistent it will help and he will learn and you'll feel better too

And if you've regularly and reliably tried standard parenting discipline methods for a few months and you find there's been no change, look at alternative ways of parenting such as how to handle a child with PDA and try that for a few months to see if that works.

@Cinderbell - I am going through the same situation.
Any suggestions on the batch cooking please? I find my time is consumed by either cooking or cleaning.

What is Sure Start?

Sorry to hijack this thread OP.

What consequences for hitting? BecUde I tell him no..grab his arm, walk away and nothing is working.

As mentioned above I'm bringing him up alone and no family.

Thanks for the long post but I have my free time sorted. I however dislike the parenting part and especially his screaming which sends me into a panic.

Not sure how your fridge quote is going to help me when I need help with my emotios of him screaming in my ear..... I'm trying to understand but I just don't get it

In your OP you mentioned "I can't act like that again, I can't feel those emotions again". Can I ask how bad it got? You don't have to go into details if you not comfortable, but how desperate are you feeling right now? If things are really bad, can you contact your mental health crisis team?

The biggest thing I learnt when my kids were growing was to follow my own path, believe in myself by trusting my own instincts and you don't have to follow societal norms. March to the beat of your own drum.

He is fine with following alot of instructions but when he's not regulated and neither am I, which makes the world not a great place for either of us.

Thanks for your concern but you've taken it out of context.

Hello @TidyPearlPoster - we've moved your thread over to Parenting.

If you think you are going to harm your child (or yourself), please please, phone for help today. Or at least put your child somewhere safe ( maybe in front of Cbeebies) and step away to another room for a few minutes whilst you put the kettle on, and think of any friends, colleagues etc who could step in and help if its an emergency.

I'm just trying to offer advice (which is what you asked for) based on being an experienced parent.

It's fine if you don't want to take that advice. There's no need to be so shirty with me when I have kindly taken precious time out of my day to offer some perspective.

I'll leave you to it!

No I just have issues with my emotions around him because I care for him and also the noise of him crying and just generally having to parent all the time.

All sounds good on paper but when your hair is being pulled, he won't do ask you've asked, he's screaming.... Do you think I should just continue when he won't hear me, I'm not calm, I have to tell him off for pulling my hair, I'm in pain, his screaming is hurting my ears, I can't regulate as I can't step away etc? So that's what I'm having trouble with, I can't seem to do anything in the heat of the moment. I'm anxious about his next crying episode and me having to tell him to do something, which is also not helping. I don't have anyone for support to help me either and my mum is useless

So you get offended because you have offered advice on stuff I don't need advice on?

Ok.

I said thanks for the advice, and asked a question.

Not sure why you have taken advice. Shall I just ignore in the future

This is a really good resource with articles that have helped me a lot. https://www.peacefulparenthappykids.com/guide/toddlers my main tip for tantrums is that how you are feeling when they happen is related to how you were parented. Despite being raised in quite a 'gentle'home I have still struggled with how tantrums make me feel. Sometimes it's embarrassment about what others think in public. Sometimes it's because I'm already stressed by other stuff going on in my life. Sometimes it's because I haven't had a break. Or that I've been trying really hard and it fells like my child is being ungrateful. Reframe it as, thet are having a hard time,not trying to give you a hard time. With big emotions at that age I'd imagine the emotion coming towards me and flowing around me so it didn't touch my inner state. Don't take it personally. Don't try to stop it. Know it's normal. Be there and accept it in the moment. Be sympathetic and present if you can. Try to understand. Take a break if needed. If you mess up and get angry or shout, apologise for your part when you are feeling calm. Try to empathise with how they are feeling. Kids need to learn how to deal with these big feelings and they learn that from you and how you deal with them. Staying calm, accepting the emotion alongside imposing some limits (e.g. it's ok to feel cross but no hitting) means over time they will learn from you how to deal with the emotions in a healthy way. It takes time, he's at the start of the journey and so are you. Lots more information on the website. I believe you can do it.

Don't make it harder for yourself. In this situation you went to a shop but it wasn't essential for him to be there for the task and that made it harder to manage and the impact that your felt thereafter.

Leaving somewhere you are enjoying exploring is hard to do and that's what your toddler felt.

Next time either don't take him or if you must take him, have an exit strategy, be clear from the get go and stick to it, don't deviate. Verbalise everything, e.g:

We're going to the shop to try bikes. We will try 3 bikes, then go home (this is the exit strategy!). 3 bikes then home. Which 3 would you like to try? (or some other choice so he has some ownership of the outing). Last bike to try now, them we're going home. Last bike then home! Home time. It's hard to leave when we're having fun isn't it? Do you want to hold this hand or this hand? Ooh look did you see that plane in the sky? When we get home we'll have a snack and play together. Do you want an apple or banana? Shall we play with cars or Duplo?

...etc etc or something to that effect. You can have the conversation about 'when we get home' whilst walking out thr shop, but you are doing exactly what you said you'd do and that is what he will learn, you do what you said, he hears you say it's hard, he knows you see and hear him.

It's a steep learning curve, parenting but you learn your own limits and boundaries as you go as well as those of your kid. Any parent that says their kids tantrums doesn't bother them is probably fooling themselves.

This is exactly what I need to read thanks.

Okay, so let's narrow things down a bit so some parents with more experience than me can help as it sounds like you think people are missing the mark but they are only going on the information you are giving out.

What are you most having difficulty with?

Is it how you can deal with the noise of screaming or crying?
Is it how to transition your child away from something they are enjoying?
Is it how to get yourself a break from parenting as you are doing everything on your own?

What is the 'headline' you most want help with?

Someone once told me that hearing your own child cry triggers a much bigger response so that the mother is more driven to respond and check on them. It's a survival thing. They also told me that bitches can identify the sound of their own puppies whimpering from the sound of puppies in other litters, and respond accordingly.

It may be bollocks, but they were an ex-midwife who'd retrained as a psychotherapist, so had some credibility.

I wonder if it might be possible for you to reframe it in that context? Then you might be able to reassure yourself that the baby is not in any danger and relax a little.

OP, how is your son's language generally (not just during tantrums)? Do you think some of the screaming is because he can't express himself with words yet? If it's that, then time and speech therapy might help and you would get fewer outbursts.