SOCIAL SERVICES

[KiArA01]

okay, so a few days ago over the school holidays my 1 year old daughter hit my 4 year old in the face and cut his eye from her nails. My 4 year old has gone to school and they asked what had happened and he said daddy pushed me. Then he said punched. Then he said pushed again. The school then rang me and ask what happened and I explained that his sister hit him which caused the marks on his eye however yesterday (Monday) at the time I was cooking a big meal for my family with my partner and after being told multiple times to leave the kitchen as I’m in a flat and it’s dangerous for my son to be messing around near a hot cooker and hot pans he refused to leave so my partner raised his voice as we were very cautious we didn’t want my son to hurt himself and then my 4 year old started sweating at my partner and I said ‘don’t speak to your dad like that’ and my son replied ‘I hate you’ and my partner then had enough and he said this and went to go and put my son in his room for some time out however he ran off into the living room and tripped over the safety gate and my partner tried to grab the back on his clothes to stop him from falling which I think my son has took that as he’s pushed him as he couldn’t stop him falling in time. Now the school have rang social services and they have removed my partner from the house and said they are going to be having a meeting today with the police and school and possibly health worker to see what is needed. My partner had to sleep on a park bench last night as he had nowhere to go and my son has said this before and it got NFA’d as he was lying and my son has been telling me last night he was lying and 2 of his friends from school told him to say this. I’m unsure on what to do as it feels like the school are just out to get my partner as it’s not the first time my son has lied about something like this.
any advice would be much appreciated!

If I’ve understood correctly:

Your son went back in on Monday after half term with a cut on his eye caused by his sister, but told school it was done by your partner.

Then on Monday evening he tripped over a stairgate, went in on Tuesday and told school your partner pushed him over?

The school are not “out to get your partner”. Your son has made two allegations in two days; they have responded appropriately by making the referral. They had no choice.

What can you do now? You can engage fully with social services, and show them that you understand that no-one is targeting your partner, that you understand your duty as a parent to keep your child safe.

You say that multiple professionals have said it is due to being in a flat. Why do you already have multiple professionals involved, is there something else you’re not telling us?

If you ARE unsuitably housed with three children in a small flat, you could ask SS for support with a housing referral. And please, please, if you haven’t already done so, get some reliable contraception in place.

You really need to get to the bottom of why your son is saying these things though. He doesn’t sound like a happy little boy. Perhaps school and/or SS could help you put some strategies in place, or support him directly.

Presumably he's been arrested and bailed lot to return to the home. This would only happen if there was an injury that was assessed as likely non accidental and/or the child gave a very clear account of being hurt. OP is not telling the whole truth.

Yes I know which I am concerned about too as to why he’s saying these things!

OP said in a reply further up, father is not the biological father, of her son, but been around since son was 6mths old, he is 4 now, so that’s not new.

I would advise welcoming SS support here. If your son is lying about something so important at such a young age, and you believe it’s deliberate to try to get his SD taken away, you and he need help to understand why. How certain are you that your partner didn’t push him when he was running away and you say he tried to grab his shirt? If you were cooking, could you actually see? You should at least consider that your son is telling you the truth.

Why did your son swear and shout that he hated his SD? Yes, kids do say things like that - but I don’t ever remember my kids saying it at 4/5 years old. So is there a reason he hates him?

SS asking your partner to leave suggests either more happened or there’s a history here. Why did he have to sleep on a park bench? Do you not have a single friend or family member that he could have crashed with for even one night? I’m assuming a hotel is unaffordable or he would have done that.

What is your partners temper like? How is he as both a partner and father? Try to be objective and honest with yourself at least - could there be any chance that he is a danger to you or your children?

I have to be honest with you, it doesn’t sound “right” how you describe things in your OP. It really doesn’t sound like you’re making excuses or lying about something - I don’t know what or why, it’s just the way it reads. Maybe it’s simply panic coming across, or maybe it’s because you seem more concerned about your partner than your son.

Why did you keep having more children knowing that your home is so small it's contributing to dangerous and concerning behaviour and accidents?

I think it does sound like the young lad is trying to get attention in what seems like an extremely chaotic environment.

Wasn’t your son onky 6 months old when this one moved in?

He’s not been arrested? Cuz it never happened. He’s was told to leave last night as it’s there precaution while they investigate. You’re all so judgemental. I’m opening up and saying what’s been going on nd how it’s affecting my children as well as me?

I wouldn't say that the school has got it in for you. They've had to make decisions based on the information that's available to them. The concerns raised will have set things in motion. There are so many procedures and practices in place in schools to flag things to prevent some of the awful stories we've heard through the news. They won't have known your son was lying and they have to take it seriously. The school aren't out to get you, their focus is on the child's safety and wellbeing.

I've seen some other suggestions that he's maybe jealous of the attention his younger sibling's getting.

I'd say the best thing you can do is be as cooperative and open as you can be with social services, school and any other agencies involved.

I thought it happened on a Monday?

People have roasts on other days.

Sorry OP I know people have housing issues, and end up living where they do for all kinds of reasons. But why have you had two, if I have read that correctly, further children if you are in a very small flat?!

Well if he didn’t do it, I’m sure social services will get to the bottom of it with your child. If he didn’t then it’s the best thing for your child to be away from him.

Does your partner have previous convictions?

You have four children four and under in a tiny flat?
Both adult get involved in cooking hot water hot oil instead of one watching the small kids?

Your partner sleeps outside instead of finding a friend? Or hostel?

Ask for a family groupp conference or similar and address each issue . Family therapist . Y9ur son is anxious about something

OP spoke about the holidays, then Monday was about her son being told to come away from the kitchen. And then tripping and partner trying to catch his fall. Two separate things.

I believe you.

This is a difficult situation and you need to comply fully with SS. They may be able to help fast track any assessments that could explain your sons lying and other behaviour. During that time they will obviously need to be cautious to keep the children safe from any possible harm so they will likely insist no contact with your partner. You will need to be patient.

Social services have to investigate and have to put safety first but they are very good at what they do so trust them, comply fully and engage well and I’m sure it will all be resolved. Hopefully when this part is over then can offer support

Yes but she specifically stated it was a Sunday roast. If I cook a roast any other day, I call it a roast, don’t you?

she also said it happened yesterday but then said Monday in brackets. Something isn’t adding up.

@KiArA01 I presume from what you have said that you didn't actually witness your son tripping over the stairs gate in the living room since you were in the middle of making Yorkshre Pudding in the kitchen?

Bluntly, you may believe what your partner said, but there is a lot of explanation in your post about how things happened, so the story sounds fabricated - too much information in fact!!

If you believe what your partner said, I think you need to take the blinkers off about and try to see what else might be/is happening. Do you really want to stay with this man so much, that you even refuse to consider your partner could be mistreating and abusing your eldest?

It's even worse if you don't believe his version of events and are putting your children at risk - especially the eldest by going along with a version of events to make whatever happened sound acceptable? Are you desperate enough to have a man - any man - to pretend you don't see what may be happening

Social Services have taken the right action by the sounds of it

If you have 3 young children in a tiny flat with a tiny kitchen where it is unsafe for the kids to be, then you can't have both of you cooking. One person needs to do dinner and the other keep an eye on the kids elsewhere in the flat. If your ds is lying about your partner then don't leave it to dp to do the discipline/chase your son, that needs to be you.

What size flat do you have, as there are 5? Of you right? Did you always live in it since you had your first child.

Yes, two of my sister's friends had SS get involved for various reasons. None of it went anywhere. My sister was like 'why are they attacking a mother who cares and is great', yes, but SS don't know that and can't take the risk.

One was more serious that the other but ultimately it was fine in the end.

Therapist and past CP social worker here, I would agree with many posters here.
There are too many things in the picture that are raising concerns about your son’s emotional wellbeing, and of course, there will be so much context here that none of us can ever piece together - which is part of the social services process and role. They will want to identify risks, but believe me, they also want to identify strengths. However, if you go in all guns blazing trying to get rid of them, it will come across as more worrying with all of the information you have shared here that isn’t adding up.

What is currently happening - is it under s47 child protection (has there been a strategy meeting or anything?), is it a child in need assessment s17? Have they actually just offered you early help/TAF? What have they actually said so far?