Partner wants me to stop cosleeping

[IdontEvenKnowAnymore2]

So our little boy is now almost 2.5years and I have been co-sleeping with him since he was born.
My partner does not live with us.
He says our boy needs to sleep in his own bed as the last time he had him our boy seemed to need body contact to sleep and that he needs to grow into a man, boys and girls need different things things etc ...
I can't understand how giving a toddler the security he needs at this age will impact his development into a man.
What am I missing?

I think two things are happening here, OP.

Firstly, your partner's comments about the child needing to be a 'man' suggest your partner either holds draconian views about gender roles or is being influenced by someone else who does, so you might want to have a separate conversation about that.

Secondly, your partner doesn't wish to co-sleep, which is perfectly fine. It's also perfectly fine that you wish to co-sleep. But you both need to work together to come up with a solution that functions for your current childcare situation. Chat about the bedtime routine and what variables there are – because the more differences there are, the harder it will be for your child to settle. For example, the location, person, and co-sleeping are already different, so could you try to ensure everything else is the same, e.g. night-time feeds; teddies/comforter; routine (bath/stories/bed?); clothing (sleep sack/blanket); etc.

Also, if this is a fairly recent set-up, bear in mind that it will take your child time to adjust to the situation, and seeking comfort is a very normal human reaction to change.

P.S. For those in the comments bickering about the safety of co-sleeping, please have a look at some actual statistics: https://www.unicef.org.uk/babyfriendly/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2016/07/Co-sleeping-and-SIDS-A-Guide-for-Health-Professionals.pdf.

Clearly you dont understand it. My children didn't go to bed at 7pm when they were little. As they got a bit bigger ie by around 8months varied depending on chikd but feom 6 months to 10months I would say. I would then put them to bed upstairs in my bed and roll away and come downstairs once they were asleep. Sometimes they might need re settling, others they slept until I went to bed.

This was then the pattern as they got older, they had a good bedtime routine etc, it included wash, teeth, story and nursing. Then I would sneak off, as they got older they naturally nursed less and would start going to sleep in my bed on their own after I went downstairs innthe evening. They also would be ok with me going out. They are remarkably adaptable. If I was there they would want nursing, if i was busy or out they settled with the adult there. They were only ever left with someone very familiar. Tbh in the early months when they nursed a lot I was not much up for going out and when very little they came with me in a sling. But certainly from 10months or so they would reliably go to bed and I could have an evening out.

They all just gradually fed less in the noght of their own accord. Bfeeding is not just food it is comfort and connection. The last feed before bed and the one first thing in the morning were the last to go and I dont even remember a 'last feed' because it was such a gradual natural progression.

I dont just have sex in bed 😉

@Madthings but at what age would they have been sleeping by themselves in another room? Would they have slept in another room if a different adult hadn't wanted to co sleep or be in the same bed until the child was asleep? This is really the issue for the OP, dad does not want to co sleep when the child is with him,but it seems child thinks he should.

Absolute rubbish. Cosleeping is the global norm.
OP do what you want, your partner can do whatever the want when they have the child but they can’t dictate your parenting.

Im seriously worried about your partners views on gender though, I cannot see how you can be in a relationship with someone who has such ridiculous views about children and their sex

So it’s poor children sleeping alone unless the adult doesn’t want to go to bed yet in which case it is fine.

I see.

I suppose what I am saying is that if you put your child(ren) to sleep in your bed, then you go downstairs to clean or read or watch TV, then come back upstairs to go to sleep when they are already asleep there’s no discernible difference between them going to sleep in their own beds or in yours.

I don’t think it’s a terrible thing to do or anything, it just somewhat baffles me that one party thinks they are so superior for sleeping with their children ‘coz the Japanese do it and anyway it’s unnatural for children to sleep alone, unless … you want them to because it suits you!

We didn’t strictly co sleep with DD2 but would often bring her into bed with us if she was having a restless night.
it naturally tapered off by about one.
then when she was two she went into her toddler bed. She would inevitably have sneaked in between us by about 12am.
she needed that reassurance and this continued till she was about four when she just stopped.
with DD1 (25 now so a long time ago) it was the period of Gina Ford and establishing a routine.
when DD2 came along five years later it was very much about attachment parenting and never forcing anything.
DD2 is by far the more emotionally stronger out of the two of them.
I once told my mum that DD2 slept with us and she bought out the old trope of ‘what are you going to do when she’s 8 and still sleeping in your bed’.
didn’t happen. She chose when she was happy to sleep alone.

I still miss those snuggles, especially when even the early morning snuggles stopped.
I can assure you that at 20 she isn’t sharing our bed!

What happens/happened with daytime naps? Still contact naps or do they sleep alone during the day?

Your home - he does not, live there - it is up to you. But I would want a child of that age to be sleeping on their own and self-settling. You obviously feel differently and that is your call.

The stuff about being a man is total bollocks of course/.

my Partners ex has continued to co sleep with her child who’s 5. He will come in to her room and get into bed with her and her partner making it much harder when he sleeps at ours. Don’t make things awkward for your ex. He’s entitled to this opinion

So you're children can sleep by themselves and self soothe so why are you putting them to bed in your bed instead of their own. It sounds like you need them more then they need you to sleep.

Cutting overnights with his father because you want to co sleep is mad.

you are parenting together so have to find something that works for both of you. Siting with him in the bed till he falls asleep as a compromise?

Yeah, agree. I was well ready for mine to be sleeping alone by 2, but "needing to grow into a man?" Does he think your son is going to mutate into a girl or even, horrors,catch the gay? Any other regressive beliefs about child bearing op?

Mine varied anywhere from 3yrs up to 5. They always had their own bed available. And the progression wss gradyal so they might start off in their own bed then come through to mine. Eventually they just stopped needing to. There might be the odd night if they were ill.

My youngest sleeps in my room still but he has additional needs. He gas on occasion slept somewhere else and again has a bed in another room if he wants, and am sure he will. Its no hardship to have him in my room tbh.

When they are little they did sleep on, very close to me, as babies do. I would have a carrycot in living room if I needed to put them down safely. Then once old enough to be in a room as owe safe sleep guidelines of 6 months I would stsrt seeing if they would sleep in bed for a few hours without me there. It was always done gradually, thete would be phases when I would havr to stay with them ie illness, teething. And it meant when they woke or stirred in night it was very easy to resettle them. I didnt need to get up. They were comforted. One of my boys would just reach out in his sleep to feel that I was there, his hand touching my skin gave him the reassurance he needed.

I have always been a boring mummy in the night, cuddles, nursing, etc as needed as you do with a baby. But no chatting, chatting playing. To

It was always gradual the stretches of sleep got longer, the awake spells got shorter etc. And as is normal for babies and toddlers it wasnt linear some nights were better than others, there were weeks they needed my presence more but that would be the same if they were in a cot in another room.

We did try a cot with my eldest, 3 years of not getting much sleep at all, despite a routine, all the right things etc. Even trued sleep training and quickly realised it was not going to work as within minutes he could scream himself sick! He just didnt need much sleep. Eventually he had a little set up with his toddler bed, a pile of books by his bed to look at and he would do that til he fell asleep and if he woke. His bedroom eas opposite ours so he could see and cone to us if he needed anything. He still at 26 doesnt need as much sleep as most.

I had number 2 when no 1 was 2, so had to meet both their needs and at that point decided it was far easier to just have baby in with me, so I could feed on demand without getting up. It also meant i could settle him quickly and he wouldnt then wake up number 1!

I ended up tandem feeding no 2 and no 3. The same again with no 3 and no 4.

No 4 weaned before I had 5, and there is a big gap 5 years between no 5 and 6.

Its just what worked. They are 26, 23, 21, 17, 15 and 9 now. One is married. Eldest 3 have all left home, independent and grown.

The teens happily sleep in their own rooms.

But it was done gradually, without training them. And in a way that worked for us and felt right.

Because to begin with they didnt self settle they nursed to sleep and I ninja rolled away. Got a few hours, they gradually nursed less during the night but would still want to be in my bed. They always had the option of their own beds, and sometimes would start the night in their own beds and come through to us. You cant make a child nurse in the night or to sleep if they dont want to.

Babies and toddlers often wake, I resettled them in my bed as it worked. Otherwise I would just have been resettling them in their cot multiple times. Which I did actually with my eldest, he didnt sleep any better for it. Infact everyone's sleep was worse.

I was wondering this

is it a benefit thing ?

seems very weird you are together @IdontEvenKnowAnymore2 - yet live both on own yet he stays at both homes like separated parents

regardless of that - heading to 3 your son needs to start ideally sleeping alone esp if dad doesn’t want to co sleep

you also say he feeds at night - again he’s too old. It’s not good for his teeth at night

equally he obv doesn’t feed at night at dads so how dos he sleep /settle there

Mine slept on their own from a few weeks! They had lots of cuddles and songs and then I just lay them in their cot and went out. Sometimes they would squeak for a bit, but then settled down. I could tell the difference between a proper distress call, in which case I was there like a shot, and just a mild protest at the change.

They all had moments as their imagination developed when they got a bit scared at night and we put a mattress on the floor at the bottom of our bed and they knew they cold creep in with their quilt if needs be - but the rule was they did not wake us up! - they got very good at it and we often woke to a little body asleep at our feet. They grew out of this gradually.

She who must not be named has been named on this thread!
<hangs up garlic bulbs and waves around burning sage>

If he doesn’t live there, I can’t see why it’s any of his business.
Equally I think 2.5 is old enough to sleep alone - has he never slept in his own bed / own room? I think the longer you leave it now the harder it will be for you…

I don’t think you’re missing anything really, it’s your house and your boy is still little so it’s just whatever works best for you both, your partner can’t really dictate what you do on your time with him. Everyone will have a different opinion so it’s just whatever keeps you and your little one happy. My boy is nearly the same age but he loves his own bed, he’s been in his own room since six months and his bedroom/bed is his favourite place to be. When he wakes up in the morning he won’t even let us take him out as he likes to lie there and sing/count/chatter for a while to himself first 😂 he’d absolutely hate sharing a bed and I wouldn’t like it either so that’s what works best for us, it doesn’t make either choice right or wrong

Lots of opinions about sleep training children helps them build independence, confidence that you're still there and sleep well.

My own 2 cents are these:

A family always chirping in advice about learning sleep training our children, not helping them by not letting them sleep in their rooms blah blah.
Their 2 kids (5 & 3) are the most aggressive little kids I've ever seen, they're the most emotionally disregulated kids in public, they follow their mum everywhere, even to the LOO in church, no jokes, she only has alone moments when they're bullying other kids in church, glued to screens or creating menace. This is not a sudden turn in character, the kids were always like this, even before the younger one was born, I was curious till I witnessed their approach of "let babies cry it out, I saw them do that to their 2 months old, let babies be human, you don't pick them up". My daughter stayed with them for a few days (out of necessity) and she came back with destructive habits that took over 6 months of conscious daily efforts to break off. These are people who pride everything in children to SLEEP TRAINING.

Our kids (4 & barely 1) who sleeps in our bed & room are confident playing and interacting calmly with other kids and adults, they're confident we are not running away or abandoning them, the older can express emotions without creating a scene, we don't need to get them to behave by gluing them to screens.
Many said I cuddled my younger too much as a baby he won't want others to hold him🤣lies.

For me as a parent, I focus on the MOST IMPORTANT, a child sleeping in a separate room does not top the list for me, so i won't break a sweat or lose my sleep over it, I have other priorities. A child sleeping well and consistently is important than a child crying themselves to bed every night, waking up frightened. Nah.

OP, choose your struggles wisely, don't lose your strength battling what will not matter in the next 10 years.

It is not either/or ... my children slept on their own and settled themselves right from the start. They were always confident, sociable and happy children who interacted well with others.

My dd co-slept with us her parents and was breast fed till about 3 with the option of her own bed as well. She's turned out emotionally resilient with above average intelligence and warmth. Her 4 children have followed suit, (3 now adult). They've all had bed options as well and naturally stayed in their own beds at different ages & stages. All the siblings have been remarkedly at ease with each other and loving and luckily never had any of those horrible fights and bickering you see in some families. You have to follow what feels correct for you and yours and there's no definitive rule. Disregard the "manly" aspect.

You have the right to raise your child as you see fit. You don’t have to do anything just because it is more convenient for your ex. He doesn’t get to tell you how to parent.