Partner wants me to stop cosleeping

[IdontEvenKnowAnymore2]

So our little boy is now almost 2.5years and I have been co-sleeping with him since he was born.
My partner does not live with us.
He says our boy needs to sleep in his own bed as the last time he had him our boy seemed to need body contact to sleep and that he needs to grow into a man, boys and girls need different things things etc ...
I can't understand how giving a toddler the security he needs at this age will impact his development into a man.
What am I missing?

So you’re in a relationship and have a child together but don’t live together and the boy splits time between both your homes?

I think the issue here isnt co sleeping per se, nothing against that, but that you and your partner are doing different things and that isn't working for your child.

You both need to be grown ups here, he's there 2 nights a week so it's no use claiming you're the main parent and what you say goes and screw the other 2 nights if he's a nightmare at bedtime there. You need to have a proper discussion and work out a compromise that means he will sleep at your partner's as well as your house.

Sometime between now and adulthood, your child will naturally want his own space. This just isn’t a worry. You don’t need to push independence. Strong foundational attachments with parents give children the confidence they need to become independent people.

It's not for parental convenience, it is for the benefit of the whole family. Our son isn't even one but he actually finds it more difficult to sleep with us in the room with him now as he associates that with fun awake times, but he associates a nice cosy cot, his sleep sack, his dummy and comforter with a relaxing sleep. He's happy, we're happy.

Each to their own but I don't know why anyone wouldn't want that type of sleep for their child, other than the obvious answer, which is a desire to baby their children for as long as humanly possible, and/or a reluctance to do something emotionally difficult like sleep training, even though it only takes a few nights.

Is 8 the cut off?

Always amazes me that adults can't stand to sleep apart from their partner but expect little kids to sleep alone.

co.sleeping is natural. The child feels safe and they can do it for as long as they want. It ends naturally and nobody is the worse for wear.

People need to get over themselves and if dad can't be fucked to let his child feel safe then the kid doesnt go there overnight.

Totally agree.

Sounds like he didn't really get a choice in the matter and gave in.

Gosh the words “sleeps training” used around young babies makes me so sad

they don’t need training to do what humans have been doing their whole existence

The best thing for a boy to grow into a man 🙄 is a happy secure attachment to the one parent who doesn’t seem to have loads of hang ups and insecurities. That’s you by the sounds of it.

No one who is a very part time parent gets to dictate how you get your child to sleep, especially when he’s home getting full nights of sleep that are not being interrupted by a toddler.

Btw, my ds co slept with me at least part of some nights until he was 6. He’d bring himself into our bed during the night if he needed us. He’s a lovely sensitive, secure boy who sleeps perfectly well in his own room all night now. We never had to do any sleep training with either of ours.

As someone with a scientific background, I can tell you that ‘sleeping through the night’ is not biologically normal for children or adults. We are not meant to sleep all night. There is no ‘connecting the sleep cycles’ to learn. It’s biologically normal and healthy to wake probably 5-6 times a night even as an adult. People used to get up and go to the pub during the night during these wake ups. Or read. Or have sex. Or do household tasks like tending the fire. If you track your own sleep, you’ll see this. It’s a good thing. As children get older, they need less tending to during these wake ups, but they’ll always happen. Might as well make life easy for both of you in the meantime. From an evolutionary perspective, we’ve never left our young in another hut somewhere away from us during the night. They would be close, within eyesight and near the warmth where we could protect them.

Babies don't have a concept of choice or "giving in".

@bouncingblob if you say so… each to their own. You can enjoy the connecting sleep cycles and I will enjoy knowing I am giving my child exactly what they need during this phase of their life.
Your child isn’t even one yet and you are proud of the fact that you aren’t “babying” him… while he is in fact still a baby…. I don’t even feel the need to continue this exchange with you after this revelation. Shocking that someone can be so proud of not “babying” a baby.

I split with my daughter's dad when I was pregnant, we co slept and it didn't bother me as it's easier, it was lovely to have cuddles and I had a big bed. It seemed natural to me. When she got a bit older, maybe four I got her to sleep in her own bed in her own bedroom with her sister. I would wake in the morning and she would be asleep back in my bed next to me. That was fine, as she got older she stopped doing that herself naturally. My ex mother in law used to say I was making a rod for my own back as I would pick her up when she cried etc. She's been an independent, confident happy child and I think that's being there for her. Look at other cultures where they all sleep in the same bed. I don't think your partner should get quite as much say given they aren't there every night. It's nice to know they are near you. I miss waking up in the morning, having a little cuddle and chat.. That was a special time, enjoy it, it doesn't last forever.

They do. When a babies needs aren't met then they absolutely give in. What's the point of crying if nobody comes?

In a year or two you’ll be complaining about going on holiday and how hard it is to sleep in a hotel because your child can’t have anyone else in the room and you have to sit in the dark at 7pm.

DD and I regularly bed share on holidays (she’s 14 now) and it is completely normal to us. Makes it easier to find good accommodation and being able to sleep with/while other people are around has been nothing but helpful.

I’ve always been amazed at the push to put children into rooms alone while their adult parents get the comfort of sharing a bed.

Nobody makes any money out of breastfeeding or co-sleeping. ;)

This

you don’t need to teach babies how to sleep - they get there when they are ready. Mine, like millions of others, were always responded to and still gained the skill to sleep throughout the night. Additionally, they have never had the trauma of being distressed and left alone to self soothe/give up seeking help because no one responds. I have never met anyone who sleep trains to teach their child a life skill - it’s always because they need more sleep themselves, which may be a totally valid reason - if you find yourself snappy and irritable with your children because you’re tired, maybe sleep training is the right choice for you. But there’s a reason progressive counties are listening to experts in attachment and not advising it anymore and it’s not because parents couldn’t be bothered teaching their kids a life skill - responding to your child multiple times a night is absolutely being bothered about their development.

Why do you live apart from your partner, whom is also your child’s father?

You sound very judgemental. Please consider that parents read this site for support and are trying their best.

All babies are different and for some families safely cosleeping is the way that everyone will get the rest they need.

Such a Western viewpoint! Your choices would be considered totally baffling in the majority rest of the world.

Isn’t the social construction of infant sleep norms absolutely fascinating?

Absolutely! Sleep is a billion dollar industry. Think we stands to benefits from mums not sleeping next to their babies, and, from them not breastfeeding. It’s shocking - and sad - when you really sit and consider it.

Nah nurseries, cots and cribs were promoted to get women working in factories and sell formula...

This is a 2 year old not a baby so the SIDs thing isn't relevant. And safe cosleeping does not create a risk of SIDs - and has benefits like helping with breastfeeding.

OP - if you are happy with cosleeping carry on.

God there are some odd viewpoints expressed on here.

Co sleeping is entirely normal at this age and so if nursing even in the night.

It also isnt co fusing for little ones, he knows mum can nurse him snd dad can do what works best for him, so a cuddle,,pat on yhe back etc. I remember when one of my boys woke in yhe night he ofer curled up on his front and liked someone to pat his middle back.

There are lots of ways dad can soothe snd support his sleep, he just needs to work out his own method. And little one will know he does X with dad and nurses/co sleeps with mum.

Bfeeding wont harm his teeth its not link mulk from a bottle in night that pools in mouth around the teeth. And tyere is lots of advice and information on rgis but bfeeding and collecting through toddler years is very normal biologically.

My children are 26, 23, 21, 17, 15 and 9. They all co slept and fed, generally by 3-4 yrs they stopped co sleeping. They just grew out of it. 2 nursed for much longer but again they grew out of that as well. All well adjusted and sleep fine as adults. They can even remember bfeeding and my 9 year old will occasionally reminisce about it. He doesnt want or need to nurse but he talks fondly about how safe it made him feel.

Secure attachments are fundamental a childs development so keep on doing what works, he will stop when he is ready.

Unless dad is prepared to cone round and do 100% of night wake ups snd resettle him he doesnt get to tell you what to do on your nights.

It seems to me that your partner has somehow developed a case of insecurity and has issues around masculinity.

My advice to you is to be very careful and protective of your son around this man, especially when it comes to potty training.

I'd hesitate to let this man spend time alone with the toddler, personally.

Agree!!