DS ruins every weekend. At wit‘s end

[Bergins]

Another weekend, another drama. If we stay in, everyone starts arguing and DH gets depressed. So we‘ve started making plans for the weekend, so the kids know what to expect. Nothing full on, but getting out of the house.

But DS (9) refuses to go out. It’s not optional, so he does end up coming with. But this is after an hour of him screaming and being extremely rude. Calling us stupid etc. Then everyone is in a bad mood anyway. As a consequence he has no screen time for the weekend, but he doesn’t care.

He has down time every weekend. We‘re not in the UK and he has Weds and Fri afternoon off school to stay home and play, or have a friend over.

I can’t take it anymore. I lost my rag this morning. DH has taken them out, after an hour of being screamed at. I know DS will be nice as pie when he comes home. It’s like he has two personalities.

So it’s either stay in at the weekend and be screamed at, or go out and be screamed at.

Do you have more than one child? Can you take them out separately? I find that’s much easier than ‘family days out’ and you get 1 to 1 time. But also have a day at home. They do need downtime and without friends, even if he has a bit during the week.

Why does he not want to go out? What does he want to do instead?
Does he not like the activity?

Could you have a family meeting where you all suggest different outings and you rotate who gets to choose?

Or, could they join different sports clubs they’re interested in where you can drop them off?

What happens if you tell him at Friday lunchtime what is happening over the weekend? And remind him gently, as he goes to bed on Friday, what is happening in the morning? A home made calendar for Friday, Saturday and Sunday could help reinforce plans, but also have nice big gaps on for 'at home' times too, so that he can see chinks of time are there to decompress.

DS2 (ADHD) had to be given several reminders for everything we were going to do, if I wanted him to be there. I also got everything ready for him in advance, so he literally just had to leave. A transition object also helped. Eg a snack to eat in the car. And would you like to take x with you (often a daft hator something else he loved at the time.)

Interestingly as an adult, he is still very careful to prepare everything in advance, if he's going out, so that he can just concentrate on getting there. He also won't leave even 5 minutes early. He has to leave exactly in time (and was forever missing buses which apparently 'left early'.)

Could you go out Saturday afternoon rather than morning to give him some downtime at the start of the weekend?

What is his issue - does he not like the activities chosen?
Do the children have any input into the activities planned?
If it's because your DH gets depressed, could he go out on his own some weekends?

My ds was like this. He would kick off at the slightest prospect of change. Restaurants were an absolutely no go for years.

We stopped going out. It was hell and not worth it. I would make sure my other dcs had play dates to go to or their sporting activities.

Ds just stayed home with a parent or a babysitter if necessary.

He’s 20 now. And still doesn’t do well with any change.

Isn't he interested in any clubs at the weekend he could do or have a friend over at the weekend or go to a friends instead of in the week. I can understand why a 9 year old wouldn't really want to spend all weekend with their parents.

My two don't want to go out at the weekend they want to stay in their pyjamas and watch tv.

How old are the other dc? What starts the arguments? I don't think 9 is too young to understand that if he wants to stay at home he needs to behave in a way that makes that an option.

You have my sympathy and solidarity OP. My DD8 can be like this. She is a real homebody and quite introverted, and hates being made to do outings unless it’s something she’s really interested in. We give her a lot of chill time, but I won’t let her stay in all weekend long and stop us from doing things. But when we go out she invariably ruins it… I don’t have an answer!

We also have DD who is 6.

This morning’s choice was sledging or go to a fun fair. So it’s not like we are torturing them with long hikes. He wanted to stay at home playing Lego. Which he will have lots of time to do when they are home this afternoon. And he has lots of time for that during the week too. It’s also beautiful weather today.

Once he’s out he has a great time. It’s just getting him out that is the issue. We only have one car and 3 out of 4 of us want to go out. We already compromise by not doing as much as we‘d like.

I think your son is reacting to feeling like his Dad's emotional support dog rather than an individual with his own preferences. What's your husband doing about his mood? It needs to be separated from his family.

Thanks for this idea, I think it would be helpful!

We've started making sure we have one at home day at the weekend ds just needs it. More often than not it'll be Saturdays, so far today we've built a Lego set and are about to grow some crystals (Christmas presents he hasn't got to yet) . He wants a bubble bath and to read later. Sounds good to me.
It sounds like you're forcing him out because your husband gets grumpy if you stay home. Why not one of you go out the other stays home and the DC can choose which to do

Is it going out early in the morning that’s the issue do you think?
Is he like this if you go out in the afternoon instead?
Maybe he just needs that little bit of downtime in the morning to get going .

Make time to find out why.

Talk to DS about it.

When he comes home, all nice, ask him to sit down with you, with a nice drink and snack, and say, 'DS, I want your advice on something. Recently, every weekend I have noticed you seem very upset when we make plans to go out. Do you notice this too?' You could also ask, 'Do you have any idea why?' and 'Can you help me think of ways to solve this problem because it's not nice for any of us.'

Listen to his ideas, implement any sensible ones, ask him which of your ideas he thinks would help and do those too.

What's he like when he has to go to school? Does he struggle with transitions? And does he have lots of interests or just certain things he focuses on?

We have stopped going out at the weekends for a bit as we found it made everyone more stressed - I think dd just needs time to decompress from school. If DH or I want to get out of the house then we'll divide & conquer as ds likes to get out and about a bit abs the other parent will stay in. Yes it's more boring in some ways but it feels a lot more restful without the battles!

Did you not think this was worth investigating as it was so extreme??

Could be wrong but screams autism to me

Your DP needs to curb his emotional response to your son's dysregulation if he habitually 'gets depressed'. That's a heavy load for a child of 9 to shoulder. It might not look like it from the outside, but your DH's collapsing will have repercussions for the whole family. This is really hard, OP, especially on you as the regulating agent.

Staying in really isn’t the better option. Last weekend DD and I were a bit poorly and the weather was awful. DS got his wish to stay home and play Lego. His room looked like a bomb had hit it. Another hour long scream fest because he didn’t want to tidy it. Even when given simple instructions- put the Lego in the box, put the books on the shelf. Was absolutely awful and made me even more determined to get him out of the house.

We‘re in a different time zone so they weren’t being dragged out at dawn. He was up playing Lego at 7am, discussed going out options st 8am, told to get dressed at 9am and they went out just after 10am. So he had 2 hours to play, with a short breakfast break.

He wanted to stay at home playing Lego. Which he will have lots of time to do when they are home this afternoon. And he has lots of time for that during the week too. It’s also beautiful weather today.
Once he’s out he has a great time. It’s just getting him out that is the issue. We only have one car and 3 out of 4 of us want to go out. We already compromise by not doing as much as we‘d like.

This is us. I think it's a pretty common frustration that kids don't want to go anywhere and once they're there, they don't want to leave!

All I could do was explain how time works, because they don't seem to get the concept that you prioritise one thing first, putting the lego etc on hold until later. Just repeating that we're going, it's not up for debate, so get your water bottle etc ready.

We really aren't on the go that much so they have plenty of lego time - definitely rare for us to be out Saturday and sunday

He enjoys school, no issues there. Very into Lego, football and Minecraft but seems like a typical boy to me?

DH is not collapsing, DS is not his emotional support dog. DH understandably gets fed up by the constant arguing when we stay at home, as do I. Depressed was probably too strong a word to use.

My son was like this at a similar age, he was diagnosed as autistic eventually. He struggled with transitions and not being able to do exactly what he wanted when he was hyperfixated on something (often Lego!). He always had a nice time when out, but getting him out was a nightmare.
As previously suggested, he needed visual timetables (so he can clearly see when his Lego time is!) and understood where and when we were going out.
We also introduced sticker charts for his non-negotiables (brushing teeth, clearing up Lego, etc) and he could earn towards a reward (new Lego!).

It can be really difficult but clearly boundaries and meeting his needs now means it will get easier.

As a pp said, try telling him the plans on Friday when he is home from school. And repeat it several times before he goes to bed.
How is he at school? We know a child who has oppositional defiant disorder, it’s not easy and the parents have to follow strategies to do anything.