DS ruins every weekend. At wit‘s end

[Bergins]

Another weekend, another drama. If we stay in, everyone starts arguing and DH gets depressed. So we‘ve started making plans for the weekend, so the kids know what to expect. Nothing full on, but getting out of the house.

But DS (9) refuses to go out. It’s not optional, so he does end up coming with. But this is after an hour of him screaming and being extremely rude. Calling us stupid etc. Then everyone is in a bad mood anyway. As a consequence he has no screen time for the weekend, but he doesn’t care.

He has down time every weekend. We‘re not in the UK and he has Weds and Fri afternoon off school to stay home and play, or have a friend over.

I can’t take it anymore. I lost my rag this morning. DH has taken them out, after an hour of being screamed at. I know DS will be nice as pie when he comes home. It’s like he has two personalities.

So it’s either stay in at the weekend and be screamed at, or go out and be screamed at.

I wonder if it's because you are giving him a choice of what to do? You say he has quite a fixed routine otherwise.

My DD sometimes gets stressed if I give her too many options. I used to think it was a nice thing to do, to include her in decisions. But in a way, it puts the pressure on her, and then she feels as if, if she doesn't enjoy it - or if, to be honest, neither option sound better than the other - she's somehow responsible.

The penny dropped for me when I thought how, actually, as an adult I don't always want to have to pick! Of course no one wants to be dragged through life doing what someone else has decided is fun, but so often it is really restful to have another person saying 'right, we're off to the park!' so you don't have to think about it and can just fall in with their enthusiasm.

What I try to do now with DD is to 'bookmark' things she fancies doing and come back to them, so she does have some imput, but I'm not constantly starting the weekend by making her make a choice.

Apologies if this has already been mentioned - but what about a big planner- make some Velcro labels with activities on eg ‘Lego’ ‘lunch’ ‘chores’ ‘outing’ etc and block out the planner into time slots each weekend and or any other ‘free time’ eg weds afternoons or evenings. Make plenty of activity labels and each person places their activities on the planner and the outings eg every Saturday morning - first Saturday your daughter chooses where/what - second Saturday is your choice - third Saturday is sons choice. You could also split time with the kids so every other month you let them choose an individual thing to do with one parent eg you take son to cinema / DH takes dd to shopping centre etc etc. This was everyone has some choice and autonomy and the whole group decides on the free time usage aswell as seeing clearly who is doing what and when.
good luck x

My DD was like this, this was before she was diagnosed with ASD, going to school every day and then doing things on a weekend was too much for her. She's much older now so she can stay home on her own now but back then we stopped making her go and gave her a choice and then one of us would stay home with her if she didn't want to go. Sometimes she would choose to come with us and I kept really busy days out to during school holidays, that way she would have days to recharge.

It depends on the person, me and both of my children are ND

DS hates it full stop, even when it's somthing he enjoys he still asks what time we are going home

For me it depends what activity it is, somtimes I'm glad I pushed myself to go and do it, other times I can't wait to go home

DD loves being out and about, never asks or says she wants to go home

Talk to you son about why he likes to stay home. Leave him to it, leave him to make a mess in his room no harm done.
If you don’t like the results try talking with him to understand not to cajole him. He sounds like he needs time to decompress with no pressure.
If you make it in to a fight it will be, take that away and see the difference. It’s not an attack on you it’s just trying to see the problem in hand.

your DH needs to be accountable to himself and not put his depression on the family that’s a him problem not anyone else’s

myDS is the same his just a homeboy who needs his own time & space, when his ready his ready no harm done

Try going out after lunch instead let him have the morning to chill

Does a child just being naughtly or playing up even exist any more 🤷🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️__

He sounds like he needs a neurodiversity assessment and then strategies to parent a different type of brain

Yes of course they do. But their parents wouldn’t generally feel the need to make a post about their behaviour would they? What the OP was describing is quite extreme, (screaming for hours) more than just “playing up”, and therefore people replying are people with experience parenting children who exhibit similarly extreme behaviours. Many of whom are also ND. Parenting ND kids is next level difficult, something clearly outside your experience. Do you realise it is possible that other people know things you don’t know? And have had experiences you haven’t? Now that is worthy of a face palm 🤦‍♀️.

It's a pretty good sign of special needs when your parenting experiences are much more extreme than other people's.

It is nice if people at least believe you.

I wish I'd come on here 10 years ago and described my DD's behaviour in detail because it might have led to us getting help more quickly. I was ashamed and didn't have the vocabulary to describe what I was seeing.

Has anyone ever come down to his level and said loudly and firmly STOP THAT NOW YOU ARE NOT IN CHARGE'
He is 9. He doesn't get to decide what you do.

There's always one isn't there.

Yeah, because that helps 🙄

Of course.

But “playing up” is not screaming for hours at age nine - that’s something way more.

Amygdala Hijack: What It Is, Why It Happens & How to Make It Stop https://share.google/2w1uVlkh4XUFkNdvY

This is why it's generally pointless trying an authoritarian talking-to to a child that's in melt down. Talking to them later/another day when they're calm, sure (although they may not know what set them off). Figuring out what triggers are, like transitions and then planning to avoid them - better.

Short sharp shocks DO help with naughty, whiny kids.

A child screaming for over an hour in response to a transition to a liked activity out of the house is well beyond naughty/whiny.

I wish short sharp shocks did work so simply to remove e.g. autism. My life would be MUCH simpler and I'd have had fewer bruises on my shins too.

Right, except a 9yo screaming for over an hour because their mum asked them if they wanted to go sledging or to the funfair is not a child that's being "naughty and whiny"

If you don't know anything about neurodiversity and how it presents, it's probably best to keep your opinions to yourself.

And very similar behaviours are caused by severe neglect in early childhood.
Neurodiverse is a very broad label and I don't think it's useful to be honest at this point. We're all neurodiverse - it just depends how far away we are from a middle-class idea of normal.

Please don't be so offensive.

Early childhood trauma can be mistaken for neurodivergence (some presentations are similar) but that doesn’t mean neurodivergence doesn’t exist. Your comment is offensive and so ill-informed. To meet the diagnostic criteria for ASD / ADHD you are not just “far away from middle-class normal”. Clearly you have nothing productive to add for the OP.

DS would happily spend all Saturday playing Minecraft if we let him. Nobody has ever suggested he has any autistic traits

Yeah you know how I can tell he's not autistic? Because you're able to say "If we let him, we would do xxx".... many autistic children would literally destroy themselves rather than find themselves able to go against what their brain is telling them they have to do.

How would you "not let" him play lego? Take the lego away? Give him a firm warning? Consequences, punishments? Jollying along? Do you not think people with children who find transitions difficult haven't tried all that? Or we just can't be bothered to follow through?

I was crying at 4am today because I had finally been broken by the third night of tiny autistic brain unable to sleep. This morning we picked ourselves up after lie in, and I tried a firm "the expectation is that we get up in the daylight and leave the house" and that authoritative firmness cut no ice at all. I try that approach from time to time, if a long gentle slow progressive one isn't working, just to see what can happen. Obviously what happens is it makes it worse. Thankfully, we understand exhaustion, overwhelm and PDA here, so after trying the authoritative talking for a bit, we picked her up naked and cold from the floor where she was screaming with hands over her ears. Then we used some other frankly very skilful techniques we have learned from parenting autistic children and now she's prepared to go out in an hour or so. Sometimes we do all that and she won't get up. In an hour, today, actually, maybe she won't. Who knows

The difference is that ultimately as a parent you know you CAN make a neurotypical child do something in the end. With an autistic one, no you can't. You actually can't without hurting them. So you shouldn't use those techniques.

I really think you need to start your own thread! This sounds terribly hard for you and maybe someone will have good ideas? Joining a local stitch and bitch group? A zoom book club? You can’t live life as your son’s prisoner.

That is true, my daughter didn't get support for ND until she was 9, because prior to that proffesionals had said her behaviour was due to her witnessing DV when she was a toddler and said it was trauma.

I could never understand it, I know many women whose children have seen / lived in a DV household far longer and far older than my DD was, and those children didn't have the problems my DD had. I didn't understand how those children seemed fine when it was their daily life and my DD wasn't fine despite her home life being very calm

At one point I began learning about ND because of my son and it led to me learning DD and I were too

Once I realised she was autistic, everything made sense and she is a much happier child ( it was mainly school she struggled at as her and I have similar needs so home life is very calm )

why are you forcing him to go out when obviously he doesn’t want to? how would you feel if you were being forced to go out when you don’t wish to go?