DS ruins every weekend. At wit‘s end

[Bergins]

Another weekend, another drama. If we stay in, everyone starts arguing and DH gets depressed. So we‘ve started making plans for the weekend, so the kids know what to expect. Nothing full on, but getting out of the house.

But DS (9) refuses to go out. It’s not optional, so he does end up coming with. But this is after an hour of him screaming and being extremely rude. Calling us stupid etc. Then everyone is in a bad mood anyway. As a consequence he has no screen time for the weekend, but he doesn’t care.

He has down time every weekend. We‘re not in the UK and he has Weds and Fri afternoon off school to stay home and play, or have a friend over.

I can’t take it anymore. I lost my rag this morning. DH has taken them out, after an hour of being screamed at. I know DS will be nice as pie when he comes home. It’s like he has two personalities.

So it’s either stay in at the weekend and be screamed at, or go out and be screamed at.

Because he's 9 years old and doesn't get to dictate what the rest of the family does all the time.

making a child uncomfortable for the sake of going out? give it a rest. don’t understand why he’s gotta be outside every weekend

He doesn't "gotta be outside every weekend" but he does have to learn that he can't stay home all the time at the expense of his parents and younger sister

Unfortunately children's needs do sometimes dictate what you can and can't do, or at least how you approach it.

For example our DD was an awful traveller and could only hold it together for a max of two hours before becoming dangerous in the car, so we broke all journeys into two hour segments and took a lot of trains.

The unexpected upside was we discovered she finds sleeper trains soothing!

Of course, but in this situation the 9yo does enjoy himself once he's out, it's the transitions he struggles with, so there's no need to stay in all weekend - just adjust the approach so that he finds it easier to manage.

I agree. I said up thread that scooping him up immediately after breakfast might work - as suggested by another poster.

Tbh that works quite well with autistic DH. Don't give him time to get comfy fettling a bike or car or watching other blokes fettling machinery on the telly. Get him out there!

Honestly this works best for me too 😂

I hate anticipatory waiting, so the best thing for me is up, breakfast, dressed and out the door! If I'm given even an hour to wait, I won't want to go.

Can’t he play with the Lego in the morning and go out in the afternoon? Perhaps he can play with Lego and dh and dd get out for a short walk or something first thing
then everyone goes out together in the afternoon?

sounds like he’s struggling both with transitions as well as being told what to do. Do you have to tell him what to do? Like could you phrase it another way. Or as others say the visual schedule, add in time for ‘tidying up’ perhaps, so it’s not coming from you and he also sees that as an activity that must be done. Rather than you are stopping him from one activity and not letting him start the next.

I hate when people say ND straight away but this does seem like a big reaction, along with a few others things like struggling with the order of things (often signs of dyslexia or adhd)
He only has one close friend and they spend a lot of time together, but that doesn’t worry me, I was the same at his age
neurodiversity runs in families so his similarities to you or dh shouldn’t mean markers for ND are ignored. Often children aren’t diagnosed because parents say no they’re just like me they’re fine.

I am ND and I would find putting Lego away hard. Where do all the bits go, have I organised any of it, how to I maintain that, what about bits I’ve noticed I need next, where do I put them, will the thing I’ve built fit in the container. It doesn’t sound big but I would feel like I cba. Equally getting dressed, some days I don’t go out because I can’t be bothered with the faff of it. Trying to find all the parts to the outfit I need, get them all out, take off what I need to take off, remember to do things in the right order like wash my face and brush my teeth before I put clean clothes on in case I splash anything on myself etc. it sounds so minor and maybe that isn’t his issue but it’s like when women talk about the ‘mental load’ of the house, sometimes little things add up. maybe you could just lay his clothes out the night before? What if you help him get ready but not as directions, as positive help, eg oh great shall I take those clothes and put them in the hamper for you whilst you put your underwear on. And that tells him the next step in the order.
stick with him and help him put his Lego away, ask him to tell you if you need to organise it any particular way, then you may be able to see what element he’s struggling with

Honestly OP my DC are like this, my DD is especially difficult and they are both ADHD and autistic. I would go talk to someone about getting your son referred, sounds like he is ND to me.

It sounds like he doesn’t like change, he may also not be that keen on social situations especially after being at school all week. Could sometimes one of you take dd out and the other stay home with ds? Also agree re lots of prep and maybe a visual calendar.

On reading this post op my immediate thoughts were this sounds like a boy who is showing signs of early puberty, especially if he is closer to 10. It might be worth researching the signs of early puberty in boys age 9 and how best to deal with it, also how to cope during mood swings. It's just a suggestion but worth exploring as an option.

This sounds so much like our son who is autistic & has adhd. In fact everything sounds very familiar - not wanting to leave the house, transitions, etc. It can be exhausting!

He's 9. And still having tantrums?

im sorry if I am repeating what has already been said, I don’t have time to read all the replies!
your son sounds a lot like mine, I have a 7 year old, he is diagnosed with autism with PDA profile and is on a waiting list for adhd assessment.
We have learned that he struggles with the demand of going out, feels too much pressure and experiences extreme anxiety. Once we get there he’s usually fine!
we use visual timetables, show him pictures and try to take things at his pace. We will go out for a few hours, then do Lego at home on the afternoon or vice versa.
also with the tidying mine would lose it if I have him a direct demand to tidy his room, I usually ask him to help me and we do it together (sometimes).
it’s tough though - big hugs x

Read the thread.

My DD was often like this as a younger child.
I thiight she was awkward and stubborn and just plain difficult at times!
She was regularly spoiling holidays and days out with the irrational mood swings, and yet was fine at school. School thought she was very anxious, possibly selective mute, she would sit quietly and not work sometimes but when left alone she would.get on with it in her own time.
When she went to secondary she couldnt cope in school, thats when the behaviour escalated even further and only then did we realise she was autistic and probably pda too.
Now I understand the root cause we do things veey differently. Life's still tough but knowing the why does help as we now know she's not rude, stubborn or difficult, shes just disregulated.
Kids with pda often present differently to other autistic kids, they appear to have better social skills and can role play in a way many autistic children dont, theybl are often master maskers too! The autistic traits get dismissed because theyre considered too sociable or able to manage too well in certain situations but the behaviour at home in a safe space is anything but a xhild who is managing!
I cant say for sure thats whay your child is dealing with, but its definitely something i think you should look into and see if you think it makes sense x

Yes.
It's not worth it and it's not 1980s.

I have. What am I missing?

Sounds like ADHD to me. My 10 year is just diagnosed. We went private as wanted answers and support in place before secondary.

Ds hated going out for the sake of going out.

As you said, if you got him out then he appeared to enjoy it. He did definitely, but he'd actually still rather have stayed at home and was just making the best of it.

Even if it was somewhere he liked going, or on holiday etc he'd rather stay at home.

He's now 18yo has an ADHD and ASD diagnosis and we don't make him go out or come on holiday. He actually goes out quite a bit, but it's on his own terms.

What I do remember, was if you make him go out every Saturday morning that is rubbing it in. He's told you he doesn't want to go out, and you made him last week, you're making his this week and you probably will every Saturday morning when all he wants to do is relax....

So what I found was:

1. Vary it if possible. You prefer mornings: he prefers afternoon. Do a mixture
2. Tell him on Friday night what is happening "tomorrow morning we are going out at 10am to Legoland. We will aim to leave at 1pm." So he knows the expectation and what time he can expect to be back.
3. And don't always take him. He doesn't want to go - take your dd and leave him at home with dad, or the other way round. Spend time on one-on-one and enjoy doing things together. He'll then not feel you're always forcing him out, because sometimes he doesn't have to go.
4. Don't point out "see you enjoyed it" because it feels like a "I told you so". Ask them both on the way home "did you enjoy that? Would you like to do it again?" If he says he didn't, then don't tell him he did. Takes the pressure off him to perform.
5. And sometimes you can use a bribe. Ds a McD was a huge treat so sometimes I'd say to him that if he came without a fuss we could stop by on the way home. It gave me a measure how much he didn't want to go out! If he still said no, then he really really did not want to do it.

is there a possibility that your son might be on the spectrum? Have you considered having him being assesed? My son,now 50,began behaving this way at 9. He is a successful lawyer now but definitely found to be on the spectrum.

That he's likely neurodiverse and struggling with transitions. What you see as a "tantrum" is a likely to be a very overwhelmed child having a meltdown.

I have a DD 4yr who can be the exact same, sometimes a darling other times kicks off if we ask her to get dressed to go out.

so i think (THINK) we are on to a good thing… we prep her for the days ahead.

I have to explain when it’s a school day, how many sleeps, and then when it’s the weekend we give two options ( both options we want to do of course) if we have a ‘boring job’ that she might not find that fun we try and say we can go to the park/cinema/cafe….. after we’ve done the ‘boring’ job.

I know people might of commented saying you’re pandering or other comments but I think people with these kind of children will never understand how hard it is.

I gave up when my DD was 1 trying to get her to wear something nice and cute, I have a strong willed child but slowly we’re working on how she will react and sometimes have a back up plan.

Good luck. It’s tough! You’re doing great just try and stay calm.

I wouldn't let him start playing legs in the morning. It will be because he is in the middle of something, he doesn't want to leave it.

Get up and get out like you do in school days

This needs to be investigated. Something wrong here. A nine year old boy is ruling your life.

Is he suffering from deeply rooted anxiety about something and feels threatened about leaving the house?

Or is he providing some kind of unspoken support to your husband in some way.