DS ruins every weekend. At wit‘s end

[Bergins]

Another weekend, another drama. If we stay in, everyone starts arguing and DH gets depressed. So we‘ve started making plans for the weekend, so the kids know what to expect. Nothing full on, but getting out of the house.

But DS (9) refuses to go out. It’s not optional, so he does end up coming with. But this is after an hour of him screaming and being extremely rude. Calling us stupid etc. Then everyone is in a bad mood anyway. As a consequence he has no screen time for the weekend, but he doesn’t care.

He has down time every weekend. We‘re not in the UK and he has Weds and Fri afternoon off school to stay home and play, or have a friend over.

I can’t take it anymore. I lost my rag this morning. DH has taken them out, after an hour of being screamed at. I know DS will be nice as pie when he comes home. It’s like he has two personalities.

So it’s either stay in at the weekend and be screamed at, or go out and be screamed at.

This sounds liked my AuDHD DC. What helps is sharing plans when things are calm, visual calendars, choices, timers, reminders. Also talking about transitions, that they can be hard, but reminding constantly that as soon as you get there they will enjoy it (give concrete examples e.g. remember you felt this way before we went swimming last weekend but then you had a great time? The tough bit is this transition, let’s get a snack and get straight in the car - put on favourite music or an audiobook to ease the transition).
If you haven’t explored the possibility of neurodivergence I would seriously consider it as this behaviour is quite typical of ASD / ADHD. Even if you don’t have a diagnosis, adopting strategies that work for neurodiverse kids will help you a lot.

It is “rolled out” because people with knowledge and experience of neurodiversity recognise the behaviours and identify the patterns. The only eye roll necessary is that someone with zero understanding feels the need to, unhelpfully, comment.

My 11 year old used to ne like this and still is a bit tbh. What helps is explaining the night before, we're going for a family walk at 10am - and giving lots of reminders in the morning. Making it clear he has plenty of time to 'his' things first...lego, football whatever. He doesnt like being dictated to or having no agency so have to make it super clear before or in advance to minimise resistence. He also doesnt like having things sprung on him when hes happily engrossed in something. Kids, eh?!

When did he start the screaming? Was it a successful strategy for a while or does he just do it irrespective?

Same - DS would happily spend all Saturday playing Minecraft if we let him. Nobody has ever suggested he has any autistic traits.

He clearly needs an assessment. You need to understand what is behind this and learn how to deal with him. Screaming for hours at his age for whatever reason is not a common/ neurotypical behaviour.

Just to add: my DC might not have like going somewhere at that age, we had occasional tears and strops - but it was never "screaming for hours" and always easy to deal with. We could always discuss it and agree on the best way forward. Your situation sounds really stressful.

Your son's behaviours sound a LOT like my daughter who we're on the waiting list for an autism with PDA assessment after seeing the GP.

Not so much with the going out thing at the weekend unless it was to somewhere like the dentist or the opticians

But the legos? Oh my god shes bloody obsessed with her legos. She's 7 but she does a lot of the big sets that are actually meant for adults without any help (star wars, technic cars) and shes very very clever. I like her doing the lego because it calms her down when shes usually very aggressive and high-energy. We werent sure if she had ADHD but the doctor told us that because her attention span is actually very good for her age its unlikely.

But when we try to tell her to tidy up her lego, she starts screaming her bloody head off. Same if I tell her to put her shirt back on when she takes it off, or try and tell her to do something as simple as clean her room. The other night she threw cutlery at DH because he told her it was her turn to lay the table. Obviously she did get disciplined for that (timeout and no dessert) but it seems to be as if any time we try to ask her to do something she will not do it. But if we start doing things around her without asking or inviting her, she'll want to join in.

What country do you live in OP? I know PDA is a British term but i dont know if its recognised where you are (Australia?)

OP never said anything about him not playing with other children, just that he doesn't want to go on family trips at the weekend because he'd rather do his lego

Have you heard of PDA? I think you need to try using low demand language. So instead of putting your shoes on. You could say I bet I can get my shoes on first. Instead of its time to brush your teeth. Which toothbrush are you using today. Try making things into a game/race. We struggle a lot with transition, so I give lots of time warnings. I do 5, 2 and 1 minute warnings otherwise things get a bit hairy. I also outline what we will be doing the night before as well as in the morning. Tomorrow you have pe. You've got pe today that will be fun.

Our son is Asd so finds transitions and new plans challenging. Not saying that's what is happening here but it seems a dramatic reaction given he likes the activity so might be worth investigating.
We have a Sunday meeting every night, I tell them what is happening every day the following week, (mainly school then clubs, which they should know) and I tell them my meal plan (I cook most nights) so he's prepared for that. We then discuss the following weekend activities, anything we "have" to do like relatives, shopping, homework and then each person gives an idea and we vote and pick two. Both like contributing and can suggest home things if they prefer, the proviso is always that we do the two things and nobody can drop out - it's family time. We then remind everyone om Friday night over dinner so there's no surprises and confirm any plans attached (e.g. you'll need to wear a hat to go sledging, or we will need to walk to that activity as there's road works). Preparation is key for some kids (and adults, my FiL researches and satellite views parking places literally months before visiting anywhere).

Everyone knows what's happening all week, we catch any near misses like a random cake sale or a forgotten bit of homework, and we have a clear plan - tbh, it helps me as much as them as it gives dh and I to organise if either of is is away/out, who is doing what school runs, club drop offs etc.

That's because it's the whole picture that suggests autistic traits, not the tiny aspect you and PP have picked up on.

Off topic, but what country has a 3 day school week?

Wow so many replies, I wasn’t expecting this. Thanks everyone. And I wasn’t expecting the responses I‘ve got either. A lot to consider. Sorry I can’t respond to everyone.

In comparison to DD he is very different and she seems very ‘normal’ for want of a better word (sorry). She is what I imagined having a kid would be like. His teacher is great and we have good contact, she’s only ever mentioned that he gets very anxious over tests. They do short maths and word tests, and he freezes and often can’t complete them although he knows the answers. Otherwise he is a model student and is doing well at school.

He only has one close friend and they spend a lot of time together, but that doesn’t worry me, I was the same at his age and we’re still good friends now. He’s not bullied at school either.

He has a 10 year check up with his paediatrician later this year (normal where we are) so I’ll start making some notes.

Thanks to everyone who has given such great advice, I’ve taken it all on board and hope that next weekend we can all be happy with our plans.

It’s quite common in various European countries to have Wednesday afternoons off. DS also has Friday afternoons off. DD has Monday afternoons off too. But they start early (8:15) and on full days finish at either 3 or 4pm.

That sounds a bit like France Im guessing (eldest DD studies French and she said her teacher says they have shorter school weeks in France)

Have you only recently moved to said European country from the UK?
I'm wondering if he's having difficulty with the change in environment

I would say that giving him a choice on the day might be overwhelming. Pick the activity a week in advance and spend the week telling him what the plan is, how long you will be out and what you will be doing and emphasise something he enjoys doing at home when you return.

My son (12) is very similarly reluctant about many things, and I empathise a lot with the sense one child is ‘ruining the weekend’ for three more easy-going people who want to do things. He’s had a severe mental health crisis since starting secondary school and we’ve now been told he has severe anxiety with likely underlying autism. We just thought he was anxious about certain things, and I’m now feeling a lot of guilt about not recognising earlier that he needed extra support with out-of-routine activities. We’ve been told it’s quite common - especially among girls and intelligent boys - for children to mask well and get along fine in primary and then fall to bits in secondary where the social demands become much greater. Despite the unhelpful eye-rolling of some, I’d join the group noting it may be worth considering neurodivergence.

One thing that especially resonated was that it’s fine after the fact. My son would kick off hugely about going out to do a thing, up until the point there was no more ‘new’ in the thing (eg if walking somewhere the walk there was bad, the walk back fine). In retrospect it’s so suggestive, but we didn’t see it at the time and thought at first he was just grumpy and then that he was anxious and managing the anxiety by lashing out (which got predictable responses). But though he’s a bit shy he had no communication / social differences that we saw and neurodivergence never crossed our minds.

A bit random, but have you tried leaving earlier?

We find it quite hard to get the kids after 9h30, even if they do want to go out. They've usually settled back into their games after breakfast and don't want to be interrupted. They're being very difficult.

It tends to be much easier if we give them plenty of time to play before breakfast, then go straight into getting dressed, ready, and out around 9ish.

My ds is very similar. It started when he was around 4 and would have a screaming fit at having to go to a friends party. He'd be hitting me as I carried him to the party. I know the answer is "don't take him" but I was already really isolated and so needed some parent friends, plus I wanted him to build friendships - and let's face it, parties are fun, allegedly.

He's 11 now and still the same. Sometimes I feel like I'm in prison. I'm a lone parent and it's a choice between having an argument followed by a stressful time out with a resistant child. Or stay home. I've leaned in to assuming he needs downtime in a safe space so we stay home. My weekend fun is a trip to the supermarket for an hour while he stays at home. I mind less in the summer cos I can sit in the garden but feel depressed during winter weekends. Currently drinking gin to feel like I'm an adult with a life.

Given up on foreign holidays too as they're a fucking nightmare.

I'm not sure if he is neurodiverse. I suppose this isn't typical behaviour. I guess he might be masking all day at school so just wants to be home being him. I'm quite introverted so understand a little, but I need some social connection occasionally and it's driving me mad.

Sorry OP no advice but know that I empathise x

Try a visual timeline and lots of reminders. I’ve two that struggle with transition and feel like is spend my life saying in x minutes we are going to leave.

i would also try not discussing with him and just telling, this is what we are doing. As if you ask him and they go against his requests that can cause frustration that you are not listening…

It also might be worth trying out different timings if it’s just a couple of hours, eg after lunch so he’s had all morning to play or up and straight out and see what works best.

Sounds like my 9 year old but I don’t think it’s typical he has 6 and 4 year old brothers and they are generally happy to go out. Nine year old kicks off but enjoys it once he is out. I may as well be a single parent each weekend, and I get how hard it is. If he was getting alone time with a parent he’d be fine but if it’s me and brothers he kicks off. And downtime isn’t the answer he has plenty of that!

it’s hard and I don’t have an answer but staying at home to play Lego
isnt it! We play a lot of Lego!

any option that your son might be autistic and lego is his absolutely favourite hobby and he hates social places and you have not got a clue that he is like that, and actually what you do, is torturing him

He sounds similar to my dd

she does absolutely need more quiet time than other children.

something as simple as putting away Lego or books can completely perplex her. She has a high iq and can do all sorts of incredible things, but seemingly simple tasks overwhelm her. It i push, she gets agitated. What I need to do is model the proper behavior and show her how to do the task. Again and again and again. Far more times than you could possibly imagine it would take to learn. Seriously, at 8 years old the girl could give a report in school on the proper ratios of mixing rocket fuel, but she couldn’t pick up a few toys without melting down.

it is so much easier when you just accept that is how your child operates. The strife goes away. They calm down. You calm down. They start mastering skills faster because you are teaching them in the way they need. You are less exhausted in some ways because you aren’t fighting with them all the time. You may be more exhausted in other ways because getting on the floor and teaching an 8yo to pick up lego for the 50th time is time consuming and exhausting, but it’s easier than the alternative.

She is 16 now. She can articulate that she wants a quiet day. She still struggles with executive function issues, but it’s better, not great, but better. She is learning the little tricks to get by just like I did.