DS ruins every weekend. At wit‘s end

[Bergins]

Another weekend, another drama. If we stay in, everyone starts arguing and DH gets depressed. So we‘ve started making plans for the weekend, so the kids know what to expect. Nothing full on, but getting out of the house.

But DS (9) refuses to go out. It’s not optional, so he does end up coming with. But this is after an hour of him screaming and being extremely rude. Calling us stupid etc. Then everyone is in a bad mood anyway. As a consequence he has no screen time for the weekend, but he doesn’t care.

He has down time every weekend. We‘re not in the UK and he has Weds and Fri afternoon off school to stay home and play, or have a friend over.

I can’t take it anymore. I lost my rag this morning. DH has taken them out, after an hour of being screamed at. I know DS will be nice as pie when he comes home. It’s like he has two personalities.

So it’s either stay in at the weekend and be screamed at, or go out and be screamed at.

They‘re home now. He had a great time and has apologised for being rude.

He‘s in his Lego world now, and can stay there the rest of the day.

He sounds like my son. He’s 7 and I think neurodiverse. He’s a very bright boy and it can be difficult to grasp how he can find something like transitions and going out so difficult. But we’ve learnt to adapt.

We’re quite lucky as we live close to family. I give him the option of coming with us, or staying with grandparents. 9 times out of 10 he chooses to come with us but having the option seems to help. Without it I think he feels backed into a corner and his brain just shuts down at any attempt at reasoning with him.

I agree with the visual timetables. We often draw out the plan the day before/ morning of. Once he sees it he never looks at it again but I think it helps him process the order of the day.

If he could he would spend all weekend at home doing Lego.

This suggests issues with executive functioning, sequencing in particular, which is associated with some ND type profiles, the most common being dyslexia, dyspraxia and ADHD. Or possibly working memory (which is another EF) if he's struggling to hold multiple tasks in mind and randomly dropping some/part of them.

When he plays lego, does he tend to create his own designs or follow the instructions? With the instructions, my DC who struggles with this kind of thing tended to do them in the wrong order on the page which sometimes worked and sometimes would get him muddled up and he'd have to go back a few steps to redo it. Weirdly though he used to sometimes prefer having the book upside down and following it like that, and this presented no problem! The modern lego kits have such broken-down instructions that he could often build the model despite his unorthodox approach, but he was totally lost with some of the vintage sets we have where the instructions combine several steps - I had to help him with this.

The visual timetables as others have suggested can help support with this and if you can have a clear structured routine such as "Saturday morning is when we have an outing, and Lego time is Saturday afternoon". If you have money to throw at investigating the issue, you could look into Occupational Therapy for an assessment of needs (this would not be an assessment for any condition) and they may be able to offer ongoing support or suggestions for exercises to practice at home.

I am unsure whether what you describe would meet the threshold for any NHS referral, but you could speak to his teacher to see if he has similar trouble with transitions, instructions, sequencing at school, or any issues relating to organisation, reading/writing, coordination, or distraction compared with other children in the class. If the teacher is also seeing something slightly out of sync it might be worth speaking to the SENCo.

I’m sorry that sounds really tricky for you all. Something that you could try is drawing a sort of simple cartoon strip of what each weekend day will look like, it could just be stick people and speech bubbles if your art skills are like mine! You could draw it together so that he feels like he has some input into it. Actually seeing visually what the whole day will look like and when his time at home will be (and how much of it there is!) could help.

Something else that you could try is a visual countdown for when you’re leaving the house. A simple way to do this is a string that starts with 5 pegs on and you gradually remove them until there are none left and that’s when you leave or you could make a more complicated one with different pictures to remove using Velcro or something. The idea is that he can see the time to leave getting closer so is more prepared for it happening, the beauty of doing it this way rather than with actual time is it gives you some flexibility to be absolutely ready to leave when you remove the final peg.

I’m not sure if you do this already or not but one other idea would be when you’re telling him you’ll be leaving soon rather than say something like in 5 minutes say something like when you’ve finished your model or when this film has finished.

I hope some of that helps!

Yes, I should have also mentioned options. Every part of every day is an option for us - out now & chill later, or chill now & out by 2pm? When would you like your French toast? Would you like this drink or this drink? It means he knows there are options within a structure of needing to do things, if that makes sense.

I’d look up parenting a child with PDA. This has been so helpful for parenting my neurodiverse child and we have great family outings now. I will tidy alongside him also if he’s having a hard time getting started and we listen to audiobooks or music as this is helpful for me an adult with ADHD when I’m having issues initiating boring tasks like cleaning the kitchen or doing laundry.

She’s already said that they go out less than they’d like due to compromising for her son. The world doesn’t revolve around him.

I would be asking the family what they want to do (both stay in and leave house activities). Then put it on a timetable on the fridge so all can see what is planned and when in advance. This will help with transition. having ‘now’ and ‘next’ prompts can be very helpful for children that struggle.

Getting everything ready the day before so literally just have to get dressed and leave will also help.

Agree with other posters - this screams autism.

I know what you mean, but 20 years ago they didn't have the knowledge we have now, I'm mid 30's and I was only diagnosed at 30 & 32..... and if anyone in that persons family acted like her DS, then it would of been seen as normal behaviour within the family

I do see parents these days in complete denial about the support their child needs and it's sad, especially when there's so much more knowledge/ understanding and acceptance about it

As a PP said, look up PDA - pathological demand avoidance.
My ASD son shows PDA traits when everything gets a bit too much for him.
Every stage of our life is meticulously planned to ensure he has notice of any plans (but no more than a day ahead, because that makes him worse), and he always has a choice (but no more than 2, because that makes him worse).
Sadly we recognised this all too late and he went into autistic burnout and has not been to school for 3 years. I would advise trying to see what strategies work for you as soon as possible.

So it’s either stay in at the weekend and be screamed at, or go out and be screamed at.

This isn’t quite true though is it? He knows you are going to force him to go out and he is likely screaming his head off because he is not up to going out. You may think he has enough down time at home, but his needs are going to be different from yours.

Take the pressure off. Stop forcing him out on the weekends.
I’d also get him assessed for autism.

You can’t punish an autistic child out of their introversion and need for time at home to counter the extra stress of going out,

It sounds like your DH and you want to go out so that’s what your children have to do.

Well, yes, cos they're the adults and shouldn't have to stay in because DS can't be arsed going out. And 6 & 9 year olds need fresh air and exercise. PDA? Give me strength!

He really doesn't sound neurotypical in the slightest. Everything in your post screams autism to me (I say that as someone who is late-diagnosed and struggled in exactly the same way your son does).

Sounds like anxiety or possibly PDA. Either way he needs some help. He isn’t just being stubborn or naughty. As a result punishments have no impact - no positive ones anyway.

Is it possible your son is neurodivergent? Sounds like many autistic traits that you have described in your posts, which is why your son would be behaving this way. I would certainly be looking into even just adjustable measures at home to make your home more neuro-affirming and see if this has any impact on your son. I say this as a special needs teacher and parent of an autistic 7 year old and 8 year old.

I’m wondering if routine would help more?

So, instead of a choice of sledging or funfair it’s every Saturday morning we go swimming from 10-12?

My gut feeling is if you can get into this as a routine it’ll be easier to eg go for lunch on the way home, than it is to get him out for lunch from home.

Except for the fact he was fine and came back in a better mood.

OP I think you need the same routine on the weekend but maybe an hour later? It is frustrating to be absorbed in something like Lego then have to stop, so I'd get up and out before any of that happens.

He wasn’t fine before going out. They had over an hour of screaming and name calling to get him out the door.

This time he was fine (or too tired to object) coming back, but that’s not usual per the OP’s comments.

So do autistic kids tend to enjoy their outings once they're actually out? Everyone saying this (as per OP's son) is typical of autism?

Really interested as that hasn't been my experience at all.

I think that when you know they enjoy it when they’re out, and even want to stay out, you just had to be firm and consistent about going in the first place. Eg yes I know you don’t want to go, but the family does, and you can play Lego later. Bring some in the car if you want. Now put on your shoes. Don’t give too much air time to the screaming-he may be doing it because it’s effective.

We used to have this with little ones and bath time. They didn’t want in and they didn’t want out. So you just have to get on with it, after fair advance notice.

Depends on the outing. Mostly they cheer up when they are on the way back home.

I can see why he’d rather do this than go out. He’s been at school all week and wants to live in his imagination for a few days on the weekend.

But it’s also not reasonable for you to spend your weekends staying indoors to facilitate it!

Is there a lego club he might enjoy on a Saturday for a few hours? That way, you and your DH can do something nice with your DD and on the way home from Lego club (as he’s already “out”) continue it?

Also agree with others who suggested taking turns. I have a nine year old who hates doing anything except play dates or his very specific favourite club each weekend. It’s maddening trying to go out. I have essentially split off and made my own weekend plans (that last only about an hour each weekend morning and then maybe an hour in the afternoon). DH doesn’t care about going out either.

I do find the weekends boring. But I don’t really need to stay home. I like being out most of the time!

I could have written this post about it my 5yo (appreciate big difference in age to your DS but same battle). I’ve decided next weekend we are going to try going out in the afternoon rather than the morning and see if that makes a difference. I’m also going to try some of the hints on here like a transitional object / snack. It’s honestly started to ruin our weekends, yet like your DS he loves it when he is actually out.

I agree with this and with the tip to get out early.

We did swimming at 8.45am a 40 minute drive away for years! Child would wake at 5 45am in the dot at that stage so not quite as mad as it sounds.

To be fair to this child, I'm sure I'm not the only adult who's looked for my glasses with them on 😂