DS ruins every weekend. At wit‘s end

[Bergins]

Another weekend, another drama. If we stay in, everyone starts arguing and DH gets depressed. So we‘ve started making plans for the weekend, so the kids know what to expect. Nothing full on, but getting out of the house.

But DS (9) refuses to go out. It’s not optional, so he does end up coming with. But this is after an hour of him screaming and being extremely rude. Calling us stupid etc. Then everyone is in a bad mood anyway. As a consequence he has no screen time for the weekend, but he doesn’t care.

He has down time every weekend. We‘re not in the UK and he has Weds and Fri afternoon off school to stay home and play, or have a friend over.

I can’t take it anymore. I lost my rag this morning. DH has taken them out, after an hour of being screamed at. I know DS will be nice as pie when he comes home. It’s like he has two personalities.

So it’s either stay in at the weekend and be screamed at, or go out and be screamed at.

What would we do without internet diagnosticians.

Does he struggle with change? Change in routines or last minute decisions? I'm autistic and it sounds very much like I was as a kid (and now). I need to know when things are happening or what exactly is expected of me. If it's somewhere new I can't cope with it until I get there and then I'm fine...

OP another thought - if he likes routine, having something the sam every Saturday morning might be better. Eg a sports club or swimming lesson, dance class etc. he doesn’t have to visualise and work out what it will be like, but like school he knows he’ll be leaving at x time and going to y place and doing z.

if there’s a friend from school even better. It’s annoying for the rest of you to have to stay in the same routine, but at least you know DS will have been out of the house and done something every Saturday morning then can do Lego afterwards.

Have exact same with autistic DS of the same age. Massive rage about getting ready to leave as he can't handle the transition but has a fantastic time once out. I agree with the suggestion about the visual timetable, the preparation in terms of discussing the plan in advance and sometimes going out in the afternoon is easier. We are trying an app called Joon which is quite helpful as he gets points for completing stuff like getting dressed and brushing teeth which he can spend on the linked game or if your tech is more modern it can link with screens time limits plus I think actually it is helpful that I think it's not us telling him to do something if that makes sense

There are huge hormonal & brain changes in boys as they transition from childhood to puberty & it can begin as early as 9 years old. He may well be ND although nowadays it seems every child who is deemed to be 'difficult' has either got ADHD, is autistic or is on the spectrum. That's not to say this child isn't ND or is indeed autistic as are many others with a definitive diagnoses. The fact is there could be numerous reasons for his behaviour and every possible reason should be considered as a possibility.

DD2 can be like this, similar age. Her older sister has ASD so we have considered that, but she's also just been diagnosed with dyslexia and we think that might be part of it- she's absolutely knackered by the end of the week (and notably she would never kick up about a birthday party or a playdate). She has zero other ASD traits. Her sister loves going out...!

Things that do help include getting up and out in the morning, transitional objects, letting her have her switch in the car, telling her in advance what is going to happen and a bit of bribery (we can go to the cafe etc). I feel for your husband, I go nuts if I can't get out the house. So the other thing is divide and conquer and one take dd1 out and then switch. I do think it's important - even with ND, or especially with ND- they understand that other people have needs. Walking the line between not pushing them at all to try things and pushing them too much is really hard but we try to get it right.

When they were both smaller we had quite a regular pattern to weekends - Saturday morning I went out while they started at home with DP, Saturday afternoon he did sport and I took them somewhere local (swim or park etc). Sunday we would do a family day somewhere, a museum or similar. Would having a regular rhythm help?

absolutely what@Justmadesourkraut said! DS is just like this, absolutely the same thing about weekends, he won't go out and has a massive strop about it but likes it when he does. He just turned 10, has ADHD but not autism, and likes Minecraft . It is a lot better if I tell him the day before and ideally one other time before that.
Though still not perfect.

I came on to say that we used to have the room tidying problem really badly but I have had a couple of really positive experiences with it recently and I think it's also due to routine. Compulsory room tidying time is once a week before supper on Sunday, and once they are finished they can have the iPad. They are allowed to leave 2 things out that they are still planning on using.

DS today had a moment of resistance and then said 'you know what, I'm going to do it'. And did. He hates tidying with a deadly passion so this is massive progress.

Sounds like where we are in Switzerland and what it was like with one of my DD's. Looking back, I think I totally underestimated her anxiety levels because she had a few friends and her grades at school were good, even though it was in her 2nd language. She also felt we preferred her sister, who was very easy-going and cooperative.

At secondary school the anxiety (and tantrums at home) got worse with the relentless testing and friendship dramas. So we moved her to a private school with very small classes and great pastoral care for a couple of years. She really flourished socially and academically and was much happier at home too.

She then did very well at a selective state school and is now enjoying uni. She's lovely to have around when she's home.

Good luck, I wish I'd pushed to get the root of the problem at primary age as those years of having family time go by so fast.

Don't knock it. Especially for those of us in the UK, with such high barriers to getting any help at all for our children, at least if something's been suggested you can look into it.

"Sounds like my child" is not a diagnosis!

Could the barriers be to do with professionals witnessing children with behavioural issues as they transition from early childhood to the teenage years believing the erratic behaviour is down to developmental brain changes & hormones as opposed to the child being ND. I often found friends who kept pushing for a label for their hard to cope with child eventually found out they became well adjusted young adults albeit with various differences such as still being averse to changes of plans, being easily distracted or suffering various degrees of anxiety in certain situations etc. It feels like the professionals prioritise more extreme cases of symptoms & behaviour, especially when there is a necessity to be evaluated for a special school placement.

Noo, the barriers are a year plus wait to see an NHS paediatrician about anything however serious, and local authorities that lie and break the law, and year plus waits for tribunal.

Anyway, the OP is in another country which hopefully has a sensible healthcare system with social insurance policies, where if you need professional advice on your children's health and wellbeing you can get it in a timely fashion.

You can knock it all you like.

But lots of us with diagnoses recognise the behaviour OP describes and are trying to help her improve it.

I don't know why this works so well with my kids but if I set an alarm on alexa (or my phone) and say 'in 10mins the alarm will go off and you need to brush your teeth / go to bed / get dressed etc they tend to do it more willingly than if I just ask them.

DS 14 also has ADHD and his biggest problem is transitions. Even if he wants to go somewhere, having a shower and getting dressed are stressful.

I'm surrounded by people with ADHD and problems with transitions are extremely common. There's no harm in suggesting things to make it easier.

My son could be like this as well, in truth so can I. Look in to demand resistance (I think?) it's an uncontrollable desire to avoid the demand. With my son I worked on routine at transition time ( pre warn, notice, go through what we need coat, shoes, bag, keys and go) reduced the extremity of the demand and several reminders over time. For example set a timer for 10 minutes. "When the timer goes I'm going to need you to start getting ready to leave" or with my son it was often, when this programme ends, when you come to a natural break point (in a computer game) can you stop so we can do x. Imagine you were really absorbed in something and someone suddenly said right stop that were going out. You wouldn't be best impressed.

But lots of us with diagnoses recognise the behaviour OP describes

Of that I have no doubt.

Get some earplugs and carry on!

You need help.

Does he have any contact with his father?
If not, this is probably part of the problem - all behaviours are not just down to being "neurodiverse" - it's a catch-all term and not helpful for most people.

Boys need a lot of physical activity and often get this from their dad's side.
It helps them spend their energy in a positive way.
Does he have friends round to your home or any hobbies that involve other boys his own age? It doesn't have to be sport.

You need to seek help from social services as it will get harder when he reaches puberty. See if there are any parent groups locally you could join - it would help if you connect with other women in a similar position.