DS ruins every weekend. At wit‘s end

[Bergins]

Another weekend, another drama. If we stay in, everyone starts arguing and DH gets depressed. So we‘ve started making plans for the weekend, so the kids know what to expect. Nothing full on, but getting out of the house.

But DS (9) refuses to go out. It’s not optional, so he does end up coming with. But this is after an hour of him screaming and being extremely rude. Calling us stupid etc. Then everyone is in a bad mood anyway. As a consequence he has no screen time for the weekend, but he doesn’t care.

He has down time every weekend. We‘re not in the UK and he has Weds and Fri afternoon off school to stay home and play, or have a friend over.

I can’t take it anymore. I lost my rag this morning. DH has taken them out, after an hour of being screamed at. I know DS will be nice as pie when he comes home. It’s like he has two personalities.

So it’s either stay in at the weekend and be screamed at, or go out and be screamed at.

Why does it matter if his room.is messy? I think you're trying to parent the way you want to parent for the child you want to have, rather than the one you've got.

It's good he's doing ok at school but as someone who's lived through a child who suddenly went from that sort of thing into autistic burnout, I'd give him a lot more autonomy and free time.

Change can be a problem.
Parents who refuse to understand is a bigger one.

My two don't want to go out at the weekend they want to stay in their pyjamas and watch tv.

All weekend?

It sounds like your DH and you want to go out so that’s what your children have to do. Why don’t you take it in turns and your DS can have one weekend a month where he chooses what he wants to do. If that’s play Lego alone it means your DH, you and DD can still go out (although not together). If he’s playing Lego, then just let him play rather than interrupting to tell him about tidying up as it almost sounds like you are winding him up whilst he is otherwise quietly doing what he wants. Tidying up can wait.

Could you get DS to plan the outing? I realise it might be to the nearest shop selling Lego but it might make a difference.

I would have a visual timetable up so that the family can see what is planned for each day of the week. You could agree any amendments at dinner time when the family are together and can talk through the next day.

I would also do first, then, next for playing Lego or Minecraft:

1. get Lego out & play for x time
2. tidy away
3. next activity eg snack

It seems to be the transitions that are tricky hence the more visual timetable. You can also get visual timers to show the passing of time. Stay calm and consistent each time there is a transition. Empathise that change is hard but we need to learn to manage it.

Example of timetable: https://amzn.eu/d/3rYfGsS

Example of timer:
https://amzn.eu/d/2SUMmbI

He wanted to watch a movie. So I said ok, but he needs to tidy up first.

If he doesn’t tidy up, he can’t find the bits of Lego he needs and gets upset.

I‘m trying to help him by keeping his room tidy. I‘m not a monster interrupting a nicely playing child to get them to tidy.

This is really useful, thanks!

Not ideal but in your position I would tag team
the weekends with DH. I know it’s nice to spend time as a 4 but it sounds like it’d be better if DH went out so he’s in a better mood for the rest of the weekend. What’s the point in all 4 sitting in miserable. Take it in turns to go out and do other things. Either with the other child or solo.
If DS makes it awful every time then stop for a while. It’s worth trying an alternative.

The suggestions of visual timetables, clear instructions, with lots of scaffolding to support positive behaviours and understanding his behaviour is communication that he finds transactions and executive functioning skills really hard. This can go with other ND challenges or is just another step in development that some kids find harder than others. My 14yr still needs a very high level of scaffolding to leave the house. Nothing is spontaneous sadly lots of pre warning and planning and breaking down of tasks have really lessened the outbreaks. She was diagnosed as adhd & ASD aged 10. After many daily experiences like you have described, she can’t change but we can all adapt to support her learn ways to cope herself. I have an older DD who I could simply say “pack your bag or find your shoes” who could just do it with no issues. So I get your frustration it’s exhausting parenting a child like this. Do have a look at PDAsociety org uk website too as has good parenting tips on how you can phrase “demands”.

No sorry, I meant on the journey to school. Does he complain about leaving for school like he complains about going out?

I could be completely wrong and I know it gets thrown about a lot on here, but to me personally ( again, I could be wrong ) but some of the things you have said align with PDA which is common in autistic children

I thought my children were just typical children who just struggled with certain things, turns out their both ND

Getting ready for school is no issue, but we have a strict routine- up at 7, breakfast, 7.30 get dressed, 7.45 pack bag and put on coat and shoes. He knows exactly what to do and when.

I think this is what we need to do at the weekends too.

I understand your plight and your DS sounds just like our DD (9). Just letting you know you are not alone.
I just suggested the timetable to the children and they said it may work. So this thread was helpful for me too. Thank you.

This is interesting, thanks. He really struggles with a lot of tasks. Silly things, like he‘ll try to put on clean pants when he‘s still wearing his old ones. Or I‘ll tell him we’re going for a while in the car so he should do a wee, and he‘ll go to the bathroom and only wash his hands.

My DD really struggled when going out on weekends, especially at that age.

I needed to prep her and let her know before the day what the plan is.
She coped better if we got up dressed and then went, rather than hanging around and deciding what we’re going to do.

Does he have friends that he can go over to rather than come out with you.
He's 9 probably doesn't want to be out with his 6 year old sister.

Can you leave him at home,is he sensible.

I struggle a bit with transitions/leaving the house. If you want to go out, could you do that first, then have the at home/Lego time later. So it's one movement - up, dressed breakfast, out. Just like when he's going to school.

For me, if I know I'm going out in the afternoon, I can't really enjoy any activities in the morning. That's just wasted "waiting time" and sometimes it can be stressful/make me anxious.

Why you think its that? Inherent of personality or something learned?

My sons 8 and has ASD. If I know we are going out at the weekend or after school I have to give him plenty of warning lol. He hates going out but so do I 🤣

That’s what I thought! I don’t understand parents who don’t at least look into these things, it sets the kids up for struggling the rest of their lives without appropriate support.

You've had some good advice on here already but I would say it may be helpful to change your mindset. I was brought up by put up and shut up type parents (not saying you are) and I can only imagine the terrible rows there would have been with my demand averse, extremely strong willed child!

Two books you might find helpful are:

Greene, The Explosive Child.
Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child

My DS13 is presently sitting on the sofa with a cosy cover, PJs still on, legs on my lap watching his TV shows. He'd stay like this most of the weekend if possible- or gaming in the front room. One of us being with him at all times would be his preference.

He's Audhd with epilepsy, so can feel a bit pre-seizure at times. He needs lots of decompression from school - we could never do anything on a Friday night, for example.

However, he will go lots of places at the weekend as long as he knows in advance & has reminders, but not until the afternoon. The getting out to school early every day is enough for him, & he would be like the OP's son if we insisted on an early leave. Holidays or special daytrips we can get away with 11am. He's not happy, but okay & always has an excellent time when we're out.

Saying all that, we do tag-team at weekends. 2 older DS, who are weekend working (student at home/ one living out in same city), so DP and I will go out with friends & the other will be with DS3. I'm out tonight, for example; DP was mountain biking all day last Sunday. It's a hard life, but we're used to it. I'm lucky that I have a very hands on DP, who gives every moment he can to us.

We really struggled when our older boys were younger as they wanted to be up & out doing activities. They had sports on Sundays, but Saturdays we often took it in turns to take them out & then sometimes DS3 would join with the other parent later.

e.g Older 2 went with DP biking in the morning; I would bring DS3 to meet for the park/ late lunch somewhere.

You need to plan & adjust. Not easy, but there's a calmer life.

My eldest went round looking for his swimming trunks this morning for swimming lessons. Forgetting he had put them on under his joggers about 5 minutes beforehand...

I think that’s because you changed the goalposts. It sounds like he finds transitions difficult and you aren’t setting clear expectations. No wonder he is confused and getting upset.

Is he neurotypical?

As far as I know, yes