DD13 told us to f*** off.

[GoldenRoses25]

I have name changed for this.
It's late - 10 15pm and she's upset because I won't order a Pandora bracelet as they put the price up from this morning. I told her it may be Black Friday but retailers still do dynamic pricing.

She had been given a £35 voucher but that doesn't cover the cost of a charm bracelet. I was going to pay the extra but I said we'd wait now.

I think she gets grounded and doesn't go out tomorrow with friends
DH thinks I'm always dangling punishments over her. I have a tricky relationship with her, that's true and I know I can be quite punitive. However I don't think such bad language can be ignored.

Any advice appreciated
Screen ban doesn't seem sufficient.

Is it not obvious from her posts that this is a parent issue and the poor kid is taking the brunt of it ?

I hope you can start rebuilding your relationship with her. Lots of lovely helpful advice posted here. I feel so sorry for her.

you need to pick your battles, let a lot of things go, and focus on enjoying her, doing fun things together. I bet she’s a wonderful person. You need to discover that too.

I can see how you feel like this.

But this swearing isnt happening in a vacuum.
She is, according to you a basically delightful child who you dont love as you should and you recognise you overreact and over discipline.

She no doubt is acutely aware of this.

Shes 13. Im 42 and an old(ish) bitd and even i remember HOW crumby and hard beijg a teenage girl was

and in this instance she has been "wronged" shes a child and learning.

i think based on what you write youll get a lot morr if you donstrare some.kindness and conpassion vs heavy handed punishment.

Honestly a "look i got the timings wrong i am so sorry. I know it must be really frustating. If the price doesnt go down i will still get it for you as i know how imoirtant it is to you.
Let her speak for a bit.
Continue to be empathetic ans not lose your temper.
At the very end of the conv address the swearing calmly. You cannot speak to ua or other people like that its not respectful. L9ng term it damages relationships with those you love. We want you to thrive and be happy and healthy. You can express yourself without being offensive and hurting my feelings.

I thinknyou already know but this is mostly a you problem and you need to get a handle on this quickly (through therapy or whatever).
given you know you cant truwt yourself.... i'd follow your husbands lead on things like this.
Your instincts are badly off imo.

Omg, this would sound funny if it weren't so bloody cruel.
I am so sorry for you, I never cease to be shocked at some of the appalling examples of parental abuse on here.
I hope you have had a good life despite your evil mother and the same for anyone in a similar situation.

Have you read the OPs other posts? She’s emotionally abusing her DD.

No swearing at you is unacceptable. Grounding is correct. She has lost sight of where the boundaries are, remind her.

“I understand you are upset but that is not ok and being verbally abusive to me will result in punishment every time.”

once the price goes down I will get you the bracelet. And you do need to apologise for your failure on this as it’s your fault. you can give consequences but you also need to show you can apologise and be reasonable

Please OP, get a therapist - not just a counsellor - for both you and your daughter. She's 13 and you've never bonded with her?! Plus she has a severely disabled sibling who you clearly love? I'm so sad for her, she must be in so much emotional pain.

You and your husband are abusive parents.

You do not withhold food from a child. You do not punish your child for 13 years for acting like a baby when she was a baby, and you don't take out your own mummy issues on her. No wonder she swore at you. It's the least you deserve.

There is a difference between making them behave and beating them ffs.

Its no wonder children are feral these days.

This is that though is it? This is a completely different thing where the OP is at fault

This this this.

Take the issue with the swearing just as a communication, a flag your daughter is waving as she is desperate for a better relationship with you.

She is a glass child.

YOU were a glass child - if your father hit and abused your mother then you were abused too. Your mother had to keep her head down and keep quiet. YOU had to keep your head down and keep quiet, OP. How many "Pandora bracelets" of attention did you long for, yet didn't get from your mother? How angry did it make you inside?

Now your daughter has to do the same- suck it up when there's something she doesn't like.

Those angry words and thoughts, "You're a lazy cow", "how did you become so entitled and ungrateful" "you'll pay for your rudeness"... listen to them echo in your head. Where do they come from? When did you, as a child, hear and internalise those words?

You were abused. You were abused.

But now you are abusing her. You're repeating your mother's coldness, because that's what you know!!! - when a mother is is overwhelmed by life and dysregulated, you learned, what they do is withdraw and become emotionally distant. And now you are dutifully doing what you learned.

Please get some really solid therapeutic help from a qualified psychotherapist, and do the hard work between sessions.

Don't kick off about swearing. Instead listen to her in kindness and tell your daughter some of this.

Tell her this - I was never allowed to show my anger, and as teens we have a lot of anger. I was punished. My mother was punished too, badly, and it fucked me up ( as we both know, sometimes saying fuck is a good expression of something intolerable). My mother withdrew from me when she was uoset and so it's easy for me to do that too. I did that with you today - and I am so sorry.

But I vow, I will make life different for you, because I love you, I love you, I love you. How did I ever get so entitled and ungrateful as to forget about you - that you, my daughter, so hard working at school, so polite and wonderful, are the best gift I could ever hope for?

Give it a try. Break the walls down.

OP you had a mother who was too overwhelmed to help you and care for you. So does your daughter. You have lots in common. Get help from therapy to love both of you as you deserve. You're the adult now and can break the horrible cycle of abuse.

I hope you do this work- do it for all your children and do it for yourself xx

Well, what to say.
Getting angry about a Pandora bracelet is silly, but it's a child.
Many times, since childhood, I thought I would like my parents to fuck off, for many reasons.
For my generation, this behaviour would endanger our living, then.
After years of them letting me down and emotional abuse, I told them when it was safe for me to do so.
About this age, weirdly, they seem to remember a lot.
Stick to what you say, as an adult.

Oh, no poll. Obviously she shouldn't swear at you like this, but it's up to you to sort out your "tricky relationship" asap. YABU.

As a sibling of a severely disabled child, who takes up a lot of your time and who you are closely bonded to, your daughter may be experiencing feelings of being a “glass child”. Perhaps worth looking this up and seeing if it resonates. If you can begin to see her through a different lens then that may help.

Yes, that’s why I said in my first post that she needs to sort her relationship out with her daughter, which can be started by spending a bit of quality time together.

Also, saying she’s ‘emotionally abusing’ her is a bit OTT.

I think (subconsciously or otherwise) the OP deliberately mucked up ordering the bracelet. She knew her daughter would react so she'd then get to punish her.

This is 100% emotional abuse

She has a mother who doesn’t appear to like her much. That’s not a nice life (from her point of view).

Of course you love her, but if she could articulate her life as an adult would, what would she say? My mother is stressed, maybe has lower coping skills than average so is quick to anger, and chooses punishment as a quick fix, rather than getting to hear me.

who the hell is she talking to us like that? She is your daughter, obviously feeling a bit frustrated, unheard, second priority.

Given the circumstances, I actually don’t know why you would actively choose punishment ahead of deescalation.

Given she told you to fuck off I would have told her that on those grounds alone I wouldn’t be buying it at all. All this crap about big emotions etc is nonsense, there are lines which need to be drawn and telling your parent to fuck off crosses that line. End of.

Should not have sworn at you. But if you promised her a bracelet and didn't get it, knowing the price was going up, that's mean. Choose your battles if shes swearing at you and punishing her is not working, to rethink. By the way Pandora have 30% of just now, black Ftiday deals

Your daughter is being punished enough by you OP, because it’s crystal clear to us (and will be to her) that you don’t like her much…and haven’t done since she was a baby. She’s a product of your dysfunction…and that’s so unfair! You are damaging her terribly. Get help…immediately…or your poor daughter will never have a chance to grow into an emotionally functional adult.

https://calmerparenting.org/books

Buy, read and follow the advice in these books.

@GoldenRoses25

how are you feeling this morning? How was it with Dd?

I think you can see that the way things are aren’t working. And family therapy is a
good idea?

As an Ed Psych I can assure you that this punitive, angry, don’t let her get away with it philosophy just doesn’t work.

Boundaries are really important- what are your family boundaries and how do you enforce them. Nothing I have or many other posters on here is saying the behaviour is ok, but her behaviour is communicating a deep
need for connection. Rather than think of it as attention seeking or bad, she’s totally disregulated herself. She’s seeking connection.

Think of the swearing or untidy room or door slamming as the tip of the iceberg….that is the stuff we can see- but what’s underneath? What’s she really communicating?

you can with your husband when everyone is calm and feeling good start a family charter. And state this is acceptable and this isn’t. And collaborate on it.

She'd be grounded for a month (at least). Yoy have a husband problem also.

Totally agree with the above. I can't believe some of the responses I'm reading here. I would be telling her to forget any Pandora bracelet .

And those saying you’d ground her for a month??

Have any of you got teens??

A month at home would be heaven- or does that month include a screen and WiFi ban? Cos let’s face it that’s how teens socialise? Would they be banned from their hobbies too? Sports clubs?

there is a massive MASSIVE difference between gentle/permissive parenting and authoritative parenting.

I can’t help but think there are some posters on here who confuse the terms.

Scenario (true)
dd (teen) comes home from school, leaves a trail of destruction of dropped bags, clothes in her wake. Eats a snack. Barely chats.

I could- “pick up your clothes right now- you’re treating this home like a doss house you’re so disrespectful”
or- ignore it- say hello. Give her 10
mins, then say in a warm way “ busy day? You seem done in” then she might say “yeah nightmare it was so annoying………”. I’d listen then say- you need to
pick up your things- and guess what she’s does it with no anger. Usually-‘oh god sorry! What a mess!” And we laugh and I say- you were like an exploding jumble sale walking in.

which is better?

Really?
You don't know?
Maybe born like that? 😁