DD13 told us to f*** off.

[GoldenRoses25]

I have name changed for this.
It's late - 10 15pm and she's upset because I won't order a Pandora bracelet as they put the price up from this morning. I told her it may be Black Friday but retailers still do dynamic pricing.

She had been given a £35 voucher but that doesn't cover the cost of a charm bracelet. I was going to pay the extra but I said we'd wait now.

I think she gets grounded and doesn't go out tomorrow with friends
DH thinks I'm always dangling punishments over her. I have a tricky relationship with her, that's true and I know I can be quite punitive. However I don't think such bad language can be ignored.

Any advice appreciated
Screen ban doesn't seem sufficient.

God, poor girl. It gets worse everytime you post.

It seems you don’t even like your dd let alone love her.
The poor girl clearly can’t do anything right in your eyes so you are abusive towards her.
My mother was just like you, always thinking up the next punishment, no praise. I was actually glad when she died at 95, her last words to me were ‘You’re fat’ .

When she’s swearing at you don’t react, just calmly and fairly point out she’s being rude.

I would not buy the bracelet until she sincerely apologised and talked me through a plan of what she can do to help herself next time she feels cross. She needs to come up with some immediate strategies to manage her feelings - a daytime walk, waiting an hour before discussing issues with you, writing her emotions out, thinking about potential solutions to issues.

Also generally you need to spend quality 1:1 time daily with your DD to build a positive bond. Have fun together and make her feel treasured, liked, appreciated.

I wonder if some family therapy would be helpful where you go together? Are you seeing a psychologist rather than a counsellor? It sounds really hard on you both. I really recommend the book Untangled about teen girl transitions

@GoldenRoses25 Sorry I have not read the whole thread, but there would be a punishment if either of my teenage kids spoke to me like that. It’s not acceptable to say that to anyone, and unless you teach your daughter this right now, she will think it’s acceptable to speak to you or other people like that.
The reason she behaves impeccably outside your home is because you have brought her up to do so. Be proud of that and keep going. It’s natural for her to try pushing boundaries with you.

Having read more of your posts @GoldenRoses25 I would agree with pp that family counselling is advisable. You need to learn to show her love and praise her.

Awful words to use about your daughter. I think you're in a habit of making the worst possible interpretations of anything your daughter does and of badmouthing her. I imagine she wonders why you hate her so much. I'm not saying you do hate her, but I think it would be a reasonable conclusion for her to draw. Do you have a reputable therapist who's well qualified? What's your relationship like with them? Please keep working in therapy because this is your stuff and not your daughter's.

I think you have two types of advice being offered on this thread. 1 punish her and 2. Connect with her.
The problem with punishing her is that she will not learn anything except to dislike you more. To have a good relationship with any person you need to connect with them before you correct them. By your own admission you dont have a strong connection.

So, if you actually want to have a better relationship with her you start by faking it. That means today, you say to her I messed up, you really wanted the bracelet, lets figure out together how to find it.
Then you discuss the swearing: Its not okay to use language like that toward me, I understand you were furious but I cant accept that and I dont want you to accept anyone talking to you like that.

Then you collaborate what is an appropriate punishment for being rude/not cleaning your room/other infractions. The key is to allow your daughter to have control in her own life and to not feel like she is being controlled. Most importantly, if you dislike your daughter then she knows that, even if you think you are hiding it. That is a very damaging burden for a child. So, you ned to fix it quick. Start by spending time with her everyday (10 minutes) doing something that she leads.

I have been in a similar situation to you. When my daughter pushed back and was rude etc I found it helpful to remind myself that even though I couldnt protect myself as a child, I could protect her.

I told my mother about a conversation I had with a friend that included the word “fuck.” I thought she’d faint and come down with history’s most serious case of the vapours, she was so upset.
I was 14 at the time and you’d think I’d just confessed to robbing the town bank and beating up an old lady.

Only she always forgot who TAUGHT me the word “fuck” - why, that sainted woman herself, my mother.

Oh dear. Your DH needs to have a serious rethink about his parenting. One of mine squared up to me at about 14 and DH went ballistic. Neither has ever sworn AT either of us - of course they wound have been grounded if they had.

Yes I’d ground her for a week and no phone on an evening or weekend. I would not be spoken to like that.

Whilst I don’t condone your daughter swearing at you, you were the one made the mistake. How much difference in price was there ( I don’t recall seeing this in your posts)?
I think I would have just paid for it anyway, having promised it. But when handing it over I would make sure she understood that her attitude was not acceptable, and you won’t stand for it again.
I wonder if she’d told friends she was getting this bracelet and now had to admit she wasn’t and it would make her look like a liar? That probably upset her more!

I just presumed teenagers do tell their parents to fuck off. I have younger children though so maybe I don’t know.

This

This

I'm on her side, she really wanted the bracelet, you said she could have it that's all she would be thinking.
She's a child , they're often selfish.
The bigger problem is that you don't really like her very much and even though I bet you do your best to hide it she knows something.
She sees her friends mothers and she'll recognise you/her are different.
As the mother of a teenage girl I know they're fiesty wild honest🙄 change their minds like the wind , read you like a book, but need you so very much.
Please get her the bracelet today, forget the swearing it's just a word and get your relationship on a better path as there is no coming back if you botch this up.

Right!

You have a husband problem I’m afraid.

Well this is the answer to why she told you to f off.

You are a dysregulated parent, you get angry at her and you haven't bonded with her.

This isn't about a bracelet. Of course you can punish her but it won't solve the issues of the above.

Why isnt it what is needed? Your attitude towards your daughter is awful and if someone showed to you the kind of attitude you Are showing wouldn’t you tell them to F off too.

all of those who are in the she is entitled camp and needs punished I think are reading this as an angry teenager who has lashed out with words she doesn’t mean because she didn’t get her own way. Fairly common and normal and one which does deserve to be dealt with so it doesn’t happen again and they learn how to cope with failure/disappointment

@GoldenRoses25 I don’t think this is the case. I think your know she meant it and she meant it because of you. So what do you want? Your daughter doesn’t have a nice life, she has one I feel desperately sorry for and one which is going to end up with her being a mess and no contact with you.

so what do you want?

Okay reading between the lines it’s very obvious she’s what’s known as a “glass child”. Of course she’s angry. Get her the bracelet as a Christmas gift.

She might not see it as a nice life. You said you’ve never bonded with her so she’s experienced that for 13 years. You have a disabled child who takes all your time. Where on earth does she feel loved in all this? You said you would do something for her and you haven’t, so you’re showing her another way of how you don’t care. I agree with her that if I have vouchers for something I want, I wouldn’t want it off Vinted either. How could she have spent the voucher anyway from Vinted? But you call her entitled and ungrateful. You said you don’t have a good relationship with your mum so the circle is just continuing. Your DH probably sees it too which is why he said you’re holding punishments over her, so this doesn’t sound like the first time.

He has a wife problem, I'm afraid. And the DD has a mother problem. No, she should not have sworn but reading the OP's best where she says that she has never loved or like her DD (but does like and love her other child), I don't think that the DD is fully (or even mostly) to blame.