DD13 told us to f*** off.

[GoldenRoses25]

I have name changed for this.
It's late - 10 15pm and she's upset because I won't order a Pandora bracelet as they put the price up from this morning. I told her it may be Black Friday but retailers still do dynamic pricing.

She had been given a £35 voucher but that doesn't cover the cost of a charm bracelet. I was going to pay the extra but I said we'd wait now.

I think she gets grounded and doesn't go out tomorrow with friends
DH thinks I'm always dangling punishments over her. I have a tricky relationship with her, that's true and I know I can be quite punitive. However I don't think such bad language can be ignored.

Any advice appreciated
Screen ban doesn't seem sufficient.

Not the point but look on Vinted

The whole my parents this and it never did me any harm chatter is unhelpful.

It is harming you and her, that’s why you’re here. You wnat to be better. And it really can be better.

Yes I do need to connect with her. It's hard when we also have a severely disabled child too who takes up a lot of time. Then there's both of us working and ill parents..
I think, "who the hell is she talking to us like that?!"
I feel she has no idea how nice a life she has.

I’m sorry but you need to urgently address this. It is not your daughter’s fault she was a difficult baby. I would bet my hat that your dysfunctional relationship with your mother (not your fault, but you are the adult here and she is the child) is spilling over and contributing to these issues, especially if your DH is noticing it.

As an adult I’d be disappointed if I was promised something which was then taken away due to another persons error of not doing it on time. Your job is to help her manage these emotions not to just implement random punishments. My parents used to do this to me and yes I did just used to think “fuck off” as it felt like they were always against me instead of trying to deal with things together.

she's going to pay for this rudeness.

When you are thinking along the lines of vindictive pay back, that is a relationship destroyer. You should be thinking along the lines of admitting to the fault on your end and then gently role modelling not shouting, not losing your calm. Your shouting and you got to pay is what she is copying from you. You get from teens what you show them.

Can you imagine one of your dearest friends telling you “you’re going to pay for this rudeness” at you? How that might make you feel?

That is a threat. When you’re threatened- how do you respond? With shame, defensiveness, anger?

I did look on Vinted and she refused to get something from there. I don't know how she became so entitled and ungrateful.

No wonder schools are having so much trouble with pupils attitude and behaviours when I read some of the answers on here.

if I had sworn at my mum and would have been grounded for a month, never mind one night.

id ground her for tomorrow and hope her attitude improves.

there will be other times to buy a Pandora bracelet,

Her life doesn’t sound that nice. How well do you really know about her life?

Time to stop punishing your daughter for behaving like a baby when she was a baby.

I’m sorry but her life is probably pretty difficult if she has a severely disabled sibling who takes up a lot of her parents time and a strained relationship with her mother. I think you’re utterly deluded if you think she has a wonderful carefree life.

Do you know I have adult children of my own who I have not smacked but neither of them have ever told me or their father to fuck off. They know that is completely unacceptable .

There are way too many excuses made on here for intolerable behaviour.
If we allow our children to go into adult life thinking it is ok to tell people to fuck off if they are disappointed, or annoyed or whatever then we are setting them up for being punched one day when they say it to the wrong person.

It doesn't sound like a nice life. Mum punishing her for her entire life because of her own mum issues, severely disabled sibling talking up all the attention, and even doing something as simple as measuring her wrist for something that was important to her was too much trouble.

I can get to the bottom of the issue and also punish.

Fatigue and/or hormones do not justify such bad behaviour. We all know when to apply a verbal filter in life.

Pardon? She couldn’t get a simple gift without a voucher and then you backed out of it at the last minute, what is there to be grateful for? You’ve done the equivalent of dangling a promised banana just out of reach of a minion and then last second tossed it away.

Ridiculous

Did you know that schools the country over are engaging with MH teams and have MH support staff? That emotion coaching and co regulation is a key principle of self esteem and self efficacy? That emotional regulation begins with safe relationships that are modelled?

Permissive, dismissive parenting is crap and so is authoritarian. Emotionally connected authoritative parenting is proven time again to produce confident resilient thriving children- adults.

But shouldn't children realise that they can't talk like this and get away with it?
DH just wants to punish her with no snacks as she likes to eat but I think that's weak.
But yes, I am being tugged between my (not working) punitive way of doing things and the way of reasoning- which takes longer

To be fair, she sounds spoiled! You are totally right to punish her for the f-bomb and the way she has behaved. Had I done this to my parents, I would've lost the bracelet forever and sent to my room. She's old enough to not kick off like this, no matter how disappointed.

Please don't read too much into the swearing. Yes it's bad behaviour and it should be made clear it's completely unacceptable but it doesn't mean she dislikes you. My oldest DS went through a horrible phase as a teen and used to swear at us occasionally. He was particularly horrible to me and we were not close for a few years. It was a horrible time for me.

He is now early 20s and in his first job after graduation. He recently told me it was only because I was the disciplinarian and his Dad was soft. He said that he respected me for it. I told him that I loved him thorough all of it despite it really hurting. It was actually a lovely moment for me. Things will get better.

I have adult children too and I’m not such a snowflake that I’ve had to make them pay for being rude now and then in the middle of very difficult teenage years. If a “fuck off” is intolerable, then you’ve lived a very sheltered life. And no, no one ended up punched in the face. 🙄

This has got to be a windup. Surely you don’t use withholding food as a parenting tactic?

Are you seriously suggesting that you’re put off trying a different approach with your daughter because it takes longer?

And we are all human and sometimes make mistakes. You can’t punish someone into perfection. Better to show grace and compassion.

in your mind talking it through with you when your calm and coming to some sort of reasonable conclusion- is that getting away with it?

seriously ask yourself what’s better? You talk through and she understands that it was rude and it upset you. And you understand and validate her disappointment, is that worse?

is it better to deny snacks and then give them back at a later date and say. Never speak to me like that again!

has she actually learned anything? Except to know that when she swears she really pushes your buttons?

Perhaps if you hadn't accepted being sworn at then the teenage years wouldn't have been difficult. You reap what you sow.

When you say punitive, do you mean punishments of or equivalent to not seeing her friends if she tells you to fuck off? If so, while it’s punitive in the literal sense, I don’t think it’s overly harsh, which I think is what you’re questioning. I think it’s pretty measured. Speaking to your parent like that without really severe due cause is totally unacceptable.