Called into school for a meeting

[JewelMonkey]

My 16yr old DS seems to mess around in one of his classes. DS doesn’t get on with the teacher who apparently shouts and looses his temper at the drop of a hat. DS is low level disruptive - messing around with his friend, laughing, sat with his coat on as he was cold etc. He has never, ever been higher level disruptive- no getting angry, no violence or aggression etc, it’s all just petty things. I don’t think DS has any respect for the teacher due to how he acts, and presumably the teacher doesn’t respect DS either. I have had numerous e-mails home from the deputy head regarding laughing in this class and being ‘silly’, I’ve now been asked to attend school for a face to face meeting with the deputy head.

I’ve discussed this with DS so many times, I’ve asked him to toe the line in class like he does in all his other classes. I’ve suggested to the depute that he is moved away from his friend in this class, but still the silliness continues. He is great in all other classes - his teachers know him well, he’s charismatic, funny, loyal and hardworking, he also has funny banter with his teachers, but this one new teacher just looses his mind at the slightest little thing. DS is deflated and doesn’t see the point in trying in this class as the teacher will just pull him up on anything and everything.

how do I handle the school face to face meeting? DS absolutely should be toeing the line, but he is 16 and can be immature- but I don’t feel he’s being badly behaved.

I don’t think DS has any respect for the teacher due to how he acts.

but he is 16 and can be immature - but I don’t feel he’s being badly behaved.

You're part of the problem. Because he is being badly behaved and you're trying to excuse it. He's continually disruptive in a class. Whether he likes the teacher or respects him is irrelevant. He should be grounded until he learns self control. He's 16. Not a toddler.

Tell your son to pack it in or insert consequences. Sometimes you have to get along with people you don't like or particularly respect in life, and this is one of those times. The workplace is another example of where this can happen

Oh I do understand how you feel. My son had something similar with his French teacher last year when in year 11. Its the way they are singled out that used to really rile me. Where as other people getting away with the same thing. Fortunately he was allowed to drop the subject after failing november mock .

When you are teaching 30 kids, half of who probably don't want to be there, "low level disruptive" is only a thing if you happen to have a "high level disruptive" like should have a one-to-one, but doesn't because EHCPs are so bloody hard to get, child in the class and you are comparing the two. Otherwise, you just have a "disruptive" child, who is a pain in the arse and spoils everything you do, stopping the other kids enjoying or learning anything. And yes that child needs to just stop.

If he behaved in class and wasn’t a pain in the arse maybe the teacher would have more time for him.

Just say what you've said here.

While he should be behaving in school, teachers should know that with trickier kids you have to have respect before behaviour comes. Sadly respect is not a 'given' these days.

If you or your DS are bothered by him being thought of in this way, then his attitude should shift a bit.

Imagine if every student in the class did 'low levels behaviours? The teacher is probably fed up of your son who tbh, sounds a pain in the arse!

Perhaps the teacher is at the end of his tether with your DS messing around and automatically assumes it’s just another one of those occasions?
Perhaps, the others didn’t get told off because the usually behave and do as they are asked?
Perhaps, jts time for your 16 yo DS to learn the world won’t bend to him - and just because he doesn’t like someone doesn’t give him a free pass on being A pain the arse.

Hmmmmmm !!

I had a DD a bit like this - she was well liked in every class apart from one subject. I received constant phone calls from her teacher on an almost daily basis. The difference between the OP and me in terms of how we managed this was that I did not excuse her behaviour. I know that the teacher was being a bit of a dick at times but I also knew my DD was being rude and uncooperative. Yes, he was the adult but she knew just how to antagonise him. Fortunately, she really wanted to do this subject at A level and Uni, so she did agree that she just had to tow the line in his class because she was spoiling her chances of getting a decent grade. Luckily, she did do very well, got outstanding results at A level because of his great teaching and came to understand that her poor behaviour was totally out of order.

Your son has painted a bloody great target on himself with piss poor bad behaviour in the past.

Once a bad reputation is gained you have a hell of a lot of hard work ahead to lose it again. You have to be whiter than white 24/7.

It's a life lesson OP. I think he should change schools to get a chance at a clean slate, if possible.

But FFS get him to LEARN from this!

Some teachers are terrible.
I was called in because of my brother when he was 15, mum was ill and I was 25.
They wanted to know if he was sexist because 3 female teachers were giving him behaviour points and one of them often complained about him but apparently all his male teachers were cool with him.
He was probably a little annoying.
But, the one female teacher wouldn't give him any chances, every one used to get away with stuff except him and 2 other boys
Is that fair?
One rule for some and not for others.
Anyway, they ended up giving him early studied leave as an alternative to exclusion and we got him a tutor.
He did really well and ended up getting an A in his worst teacher's class.
She couldn't hide her displeasure at that on results day!
So yeah
She in paticular was very unpleasant to work with, she just took a disliking to him, I guess she just didn't like his personality or something.
The other female teachers never complained about him, but they did always give him behaviour marks etc
They clearly didn't hate him.

If you don't think your son's disruption of an entire class is a problem it's no wonder he's not taking it seriously. He's been behaving like a pillock and now the teacher is constantly watching him. (You talk about him being humiliated by being shouted at but even that isn't changing his behaviour.) There weren't enough laptops for everyone so of course the class clown is one of those without. Your DS could shut his mouth and keep his head down instead of bleating "But others were doing it too". You should support the school in getting him to act more maturely.

Sometimes kids like this, with the banter and laughing and acting up in general are masking very real inadequacies, either social or learning difficulties, or both.

('Charisma' is very much subjective, I think. Teachers in secondary, seeing a few hundred kids a week, probably value good manners over charisma. Less exhausting, for a start. Likewise 'charm.' I mean, in a few years time, say if your son becomes a plumber, or something useful, would you want a charismatic plumber or someone who got on the bloody job?)

I think you need to be prepared to hear a different version of the accounts your son has given when you go to the meeting. I expect that some of the details will match up ie several other students might have been wearing their coats in class, but what you didn’t hear is that they removed them quietly and immediately on being asked but your DS made a song and dance about it that disrupted everyone…or something similar along those lines. Teenagers love to point the finger elsewhere when confronted about things ‘but he’s doing it as well!’, entirely missing some important details out that makes it reasonable that they are the person called out for it.

If you go into the meeting armed with your son’s version which is basically ‘I’m being picked on’ you will miss the opportunity to teach your DS an important lesson. The bottom line is that that behaviour is unacceptable whether he’s the only one being called out for it or not. Which I strongly doubt. Listen to what they have to say, be prepared to hear some hard things about your son and be part of the solution. You have no idea how draining and stressful that stupid playing to the crowd stuff is when a teacher is trying to teach a class.

Good old mumsnet judging.

Treat the meeting in the spirit it’s supposed to be: a collaborative effort with a professional to get your son a good education. Your son has a version of events, the teacher has one, the truth is in the middle of the two.

Don’t defend him, just listen. Tell them what he has told you in factual terms. “He feels he is singled out.”

Agree a way forward. Ignore other people.

As a teacher (& parent of teenage boys) your son is being badly behaved. What is the behaviour policy in your school? I would give a warning first for silly/disruptive behaviour and then a negative point (our school doesn't have dententions) and if they carried on it would be an SLT callout and a serious behaviour point. Throwing a pen would be an instant negative point, it's not just silly behaviour but could potentially cause harm. Disruptive behaviour not only stops his own learning but those of the other students in the class. He is choosing to act in this way as he seems able to get on with his work in other classes. You are not doing him any favours by minimising his behaviour.

DS doesn’t get on with the teacher who apparently shouts and looses his temper at the drop of a hat. DS is low level disruptive - messing around with his friend, laughing, sat with his coat on as he was cold etc. He has never, ever been higher level disruptive- no getting angry, no violence or aggression etc, it’s all just petty things. I don’t think DS has any respect for the teacher due to how he acts, and presumably the teacher doesn’t respect DS either.

<sigh> another parent who doesn't see how badly her PFB is behaving.

Your DS's "low level disruptive" is:

• annoying & disrupting other pupils around him
• sucking attention from the teacher
• self-sabotaging his own education

I feel sorry for the young girls in the class particularly. Research suggests that teachers give girls far less attention than the boys anyway; and then the disruptive boys get even more attention.

And why should a teacher "respect:" a disruptive don't-care boy?

Your DS should respect his teachers BECAUSE they are his teachers. He doesn't have to like them. But they know more than him and he should be grateful they're there & prepared to try to teach him, whatever his awful behaviour.

Young women in Afghanistan have no access whatsoever to any education outside the home. He is bluddy lucky.

And you are part of the problem @JewelMonkey by seeing this as just "low-level" disruption, and casting the whole thing in personal terms.

I agree with this.

So messing around and low level disruption is preventing the other 30 students from learning Accounting because your DS is being a pain.
Accounting does need concentration and no one needs a "jokester" in the class.

Of course the teacher will have a shorter fuse with him as he is a constant source of problems.

But you won't see that he is anything but innocent, wronged by a vengeful teacher so I don't see it being a very productive meeting.

If your son knows you will take his side he has no motivation to change.

Your son’s behaviour is going to have an impact on the GCSE results of 29 other kids in that class, which will naturally impact their life chances. I think that’s revoltingly selfish, and you are enabling it.

OP I know that poster irritated you with their comment but she was correct that you are enabling your son through defending his actions as ‘low level’. Teachers will have children they like less than others and in this class that child is your son. It is assumed that most poor behaviour is being fuelled by him which is why he is getting blamed for things. You can go down the route of saying ‘it’s not fair’ or you can encourage your son to accept his part in the breakdown of this relationship and give consequences if the behaviour continues.

My children know that poor behaviour at school equals consequences at home. My youngest is a PITA at home but manages to behave impeccably at school. It’s completely possible and you can help him by parenting him through this.

Excellent advice.

If your son has consistently behaved like a twat then unfortunately the teacher will not have a lot of patience with him, even when problems are not actually your son's fault. Also see,: the boy who cried wolf.
Tell him to pull himself up and behave.

This.

Your post OP is just a series of situations where your poor misunderstood son has been picked on by a teacher. It’s all rubbish you know that. Surely you’re the mother of a teenager? Why would a teacher make their own life difficult by so-called picking on one student ridiculous it doesn’t happen. You need to tell your son he needs to show that teacher the same respect he shows every other teacher, he doesn’t hate the subject because of the teacher he can’t do the subject. He finds accountancy hard tell him he needs to up his grades in that subject your colluding with a 16-year-old.