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Original poster

Called into school for a meeting

273 replies

JewelMonkey · 03/11/2025 16:51

My 16yr old DS seems to mess around in one of his classes. DS doesn’t get on with the teacher who apparently shouts and looses his temper at the drop of a hat. DS is low level disruptive - messing around with his friend, laughing, sat with his coat on as he was cold etc. He has never, ever been higher level disruptive- no getting angry, no violence or aggression etc, it’s all just petty things. I don’t think DS has any respect for the teacher due to how he acts, and presumably the teacher doesn’t respect DS either. I have had numerous e-mails home from the deputy head regarding laughing in this class and being ‘silly’, I’ve now been asked to attend school for a face to face meeting with the deputy head.

I’ve discussed this with DS so many times, I’ve asked him to toe the line in class like he does in all his other classes. I’ve suggested to the depute that he is moved away from his friend in this class, but still the silliness continues. He is great in all other classes - his teachers know him well, he’s charismatic, funny, loyal and hardworking, he also has funny banter with his teachers, but this one new teacher just looses his mind at the slightest little thing. DS is deflated and doesn’t see the point in trying in this class as the teacher will just pull him up on anything and everything.

how do I handle the school face to face meeting? DS absolutely should be toeing the line, but he is 16 and can be immature- but I don’t feel he’s being badly behaved.

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NorthenAdventure · 03/11/2025 22:48

At 16 years old, low level disruptive should not be happening. He should be more mature than that. If any of my 16 year old students were behaving like that, I'd definitely be getting the parents in (there would be complaints from other students anyway).

MeTooOverHere · 04/11/2025 02:49

I'd like to know how this dynamic got started.
He is ok with all other teachers?

If that's true, it sounds like this 1 teacher has started treating him badly and it's escalated from there.
I have to say, if a teacher was treating me like that, (berating me for not having a laptop when the school had not supplied enough) I'd arc up too. {I wouldn't have when I was in school but that was centuries ago and we didn't behave like that then.}

MeTooOverHere · 04/11/2025 02:55

EnidSpyton · 03/11/2025 22:22

As a secondary school teacher, your son's behaviour isn't ideal.

However, neither is the teacher's response. In your updates, it sounds like the teacher is deliberately targeting your son now as a mutual dislike has set in and he has become hypersensitive to his behaviour. This does happen when a child is a troublemaker - you look to them first when there's disruption, and you do have to consciously stop yourself from being disproportionately hard on them when there are others doing the same thing elsewhere in the room.

From what you've said, the teacher has been unprofessional. But your son's behaviour is also unacceptable. The two situations can coexist.

When you go to the meeting, I would acknowledge the fact that your son's behaviour has not been appropriate. However, I would raise the factual points that your son has been singled out for not having a laptop when none were available, and for wearing his coat when others were also doing so as the heating was broken, which has contributed to your son's behaviour choices in class. In both of these instances the teacher was being unprofessional and unkind - if I had told off a child for not having a laptop and they had then told me there weren't enough to go around, I would have apologised immediately and admitted my error. Mutual respect goes a long way in building good relationships with students and it's important that we can admit when we get it wrong. This teacher needs some support to be able to better manage the class and his relationship with your son. I wonder whether they are newly qualified and not coping?

What I would encourage you to do at home is emphasise that no matter what the teacher has done, your son has to do as he's told and stop being disrespectful. Laughing in class and arguing back is not ok and he is just pushing this teacher's buttons every time he does it, which is going to continue to escalate the situation. You say your son likes to 'banter' with teachers, and sometimes children who do this can misunderstand the boundaries and not recognise when they are taking things too far. There is a very thin line between banter and disrespect, and it sounds like he is crossing it.

THIS all of this

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BloominNora · 04/11/2025 10:02

EnidSpyton · 03/11/2025 22:22

As a secondary school teacher, your son's behaviour isn't ideal.

However, neither is the teacher's response. In your updates, it sounds like the teacher is deliberately targeting your son now as a mutual dislike has set in and he has become hypersensitive to his behaviour. This does happen when a child is a troublemaker - you look to them first when there's disruption, and you do have to consciously stop yourself from being disproportionately hard on them when there are others doing the same thing elsewhere in the room.

From what you've said, the teacher has been unprofessional. But your son's behaviour is also unacceptable. The two situations can coexist.

When you go to the meeting, I would acknowledge the fact that your son's behaviour has not been appropriate. However, I would raise the factual points that your son has been singled out for not having a laptop when none were available, and for wearing his coat when others were also doing so as the heating was broken, which has contributed to your son's behaviour choices in class. In both of these instances the teacher was being unprofessional and unkind - if I had told off a child for not having a laptop and they had then told me there weren't enough to go around, I would have apologised immediately and admitted my error. Mutual respect goes a long way in building good relationships with students and it's important that we can admit when we get it wrong. This teacher needs some support to be able to better manage the class and his relationship with your son. I wonder whether they are newly qualified and not coping?

What I would encourage you to do at home is emphasise that no matter what the teacher has done, your son has to do as he's told and stop being disrespectful. Laughing in class and arguing back is not ok and he is just pushing this teacher's buttons every time he does it, which is going to continue to escalate the situation. You say your son likes to 'banter' with teachers, and sometimes children who do this can misunderstand the boundaries and not recognise when they are taking things too far. There is a very thin line between banter and disrespect, and it sounds like he is crossing it.

This.

This is a conversation I have with my DD regularly when she is telling me about teachers who can't control the class.

The school has a behavior system in place for the kids, but also a report system for children to report issues with the teachers - which I think is a great idea, because it does seem to be acted on when there are genuine issues (taking the piss out of children's test scores in an identifiable way, ignoring SEN needs and then punishing autistic meltdowns, inappropriately ranting about children who are pulled out of class to help with extracurriculars behind their backs to the rest of the class - DD and her friends got a face to face apology for that one!)

The ones who respect the kids get respect back and tend to have very low levels of disruption, if any. There is one teacher at her school in particular who is universally loved AND gets brilliant results. I've never heard from either of my two about him having to shout or classes being disrupted but that is because he treats the kids like people and not little automatons.

In comparison, the teachers who can't control the class and end up shouting are the ones that don't see the kids as individuals, have no respect for them and don't recognise that teaching / learning is a two way street.

@JewelMonkey I'm with @WiddlinDiddlin - malicious compliance and fighting for change while staying within the rules is the way to go with teachers like the one you describe. Tell your DS to be sweetness and light in the class and follow every single rule to the letter.

He should keep a record of every time the teacher inappropriately singles him out and then he can calmly raise it with the deputy head - speak to him about this before the meeting.

At the meeting acknowledge your son's behaviour has been less than ideal in this class, but point out that there are no such complaints from his other teachers, so it is clearly a personality clash with this teacher.

Challenge the deputy head to recognise that there is fault on both sides. Be clear what you have said to your son about how you expect his behaviour to improve and what you will do to enforce this at home and then ask the deputy what they are intending to do about the teacher's class management skills.

Shotokan101 · 04/11/2025 18:24

JewelMonkey · 03/11/2025 16:51

My 16yr old DS seems to mess around in one of his classes. DS doesn’t get on with the teacher who apparently shouts and looses his temper at the drop of a hat. DS is low level disruptive - messing around with his friend, laughing, sat with his coat on as he was cold etc. He has never, ever been higher level disruptive- no getting angry, no violence or aggression etc, it’s all just petty things. I don’t think DS has any respect for the teacher due to how he acts, and presumably the teacher doesn’t respect DS either. I have had numerous e-mails home from the deputy head regarding laughing in this class and being ‘silly’, I’ve now been asked to attend school for a face to face meeting with the deputy head.

I’ve discussed this with DS so many times, I’ve asked him to toe the line in class like he does in all his other classes. I’ve suggested to the depute that he is moved away from his friend in this class, but still the silliness continues. He is great in all other classes - his teachers know him well, he’s charismatic, funny, loyal and hardworking, he also has funny banter with his teachers, but this one new teacher just looses his mind at the slightest little thing. DS is deflated and doesn’t see the point in trying in this class as the teacher will just pull him up on anything and everything.

how do I handle the school face to face meeting? DS absolutely should be toeing the line, but he is 16 and can be immature- but I don’t feel he’s being badly behaved.

"Says your son" ? 🤣

Wildefish · 04/11/2025 20:27

JewelMonkey · 03/11/2025 17:11

Why should be apologise for not having a lap top if there simply wasn’t enough to go around?

Show quote history

I have a feeling this teacher has had enough of DS’s nonsense and yes blaming him on things he probably shouldn’t. Perhaps if he hadn’t been messing about so much before he wouldn’t be getting blamed now. Tell them at the meeting if the teacher gives DS a chance to show he can behave he will.

JudgeJ · 04/11/2025 23:05

his teachers know him well, he’s charismatic, funny, loyal and hardworking, he also has funny banter with his teachers

Only a deluded mother would see this as a positive in his behaviour, I would imagine that the rest of his teachers are fed up with his 'charismatic' behaviour and his 'funny banter' with them. Imagine if a class of 25 behaved like this, not much work would get done. He needs to learn about time and place.

ThistleTits · 05/11/2025 00:17

JewelMonkey · 03/11/2025 17:11

Why should be apologise for not having a lap top if there simply wasn’t enough to go around?

Show quote history

Because he didn't just come back with no laptop and sit quietly. He said or done something about not having a laptop and disrupted other students learning.
You are doing him no favours. Perhaps the other teachers who put up with his behaviour, are in subjects he enjoys. He didn't want to take the class, has no interest in it and is trying to humiliate the teacher. His selfish behaviour (backed by you) is disruptive of other people's learning.
He'll have to learn to live with, ignore people he doesn't like. He's not an innocent in this.

Thatstheheatingon · 05/11/2025 07:02

Anyone in a class being described as "charismatic" and having "banter" with the teacher is someone with main character syndrome.

Snakebite61 · 05/11/2025 11:02

JewelMonkey · 03/11/2025 16:51

My 16yr old DS seems to mess around in one of his classes. DS doesn’t get on with the teacher who apparently shouts and looses his temper at the drop of a hat. DS is low level disruptive - messing around with his friend, laughing, sat with his coat on as he was cold etc. He has never, ever been higher level disruptive- no getting angry, no violence or aggression etc, it’s all just petty things. I don’t think DS has any respect for the teacher due to how he acts, and presumably the teacher doesn’t respect DS either. I have had numerous e-mails home from the deputy head regarding laughing in this class and being ‘silly’, I’ve now been asked to attend school for a face to face meeting with the deputy head.

I’ve discussed this with DS so many times, I’ve asked him to toe the line in class like he does in all his other classes. I’ve suggested to the depute that he is moved away from his friend in this class, but still the silliness continues. He is great in all other classes - his teachers know him well, he’s charismatic, funny, loyal and hardworking, he also has funny banter with his teachers, but this one new teacher just looses his mind at the slightest little thing. DS is deflated and doesn’t see the point in trying in this class as the teacher will just pull him up on anything and everything.

how do I handle the school face to face meeting? DS absolutely should be toeing the line, but he is 16 and can be immature- but I don’t feel he’s being badly behaved.

It's definitely your kids fault. At 16 he should know better.

Oldwmn · 05/11/2025 11:07

SwordToFlamethrower · 03/11/2025 16:58

He sounds too good for the school. Don't let the school rob him of his spirit, he will spend the rest of his life trying to get it back.

Jesus! He sounds like a little shit. My DD could be like this at school so I know all about it. Learning that that there is a time & a place to be the class comedian does not rob anyone's spirit.

pollymere · 05/11/2025 11:49

I'd be pointing out to the school that your DS isn't a problem in any of his other classes so perhaps the blame doesn't lie at his feet.

Why is this new teacher singling him out for criticism? Why is the teacher always shouting and losing his temper?

Moving forward I would suggest to the Deputy Head that a Reconciliation Meeting should take place between your DS and this teacher... With both you and the DH present as well. Your DS is 16 and is therefore capable of discussing what's happening in class and how he feels in an adult way. The teacher can then explain why he's been singling out your son.

Then they can discuss the best way of moving forward.

Explain to your son that the world is full of irritating and unjust people. He only has to be in this class for another six months. His behaviour has been unacceptable but that you can't blame the teacher if he is also not behaving appropriately.

cunningartificer · 05/11/2025 12:04

Do be aware of how things can seem from another perspective. The laptop incident—I’ve just seen one almost like it! Students asked to go and get equipment, all do except the ones still chatting to each other. Then you start the work and say ‘what’s the problem?’ to those who don’t have laptops and they say the equipment is all gone! How it’s done is that you go up when asked (if he was paying attention that’s easier) and then say ‘excuse me sir there aren’t enough laptops’. Not sit waiting for the teacher to notice they don’t have one and then say it’s because there weren’t enough! It’s the passivity that’s annoying, waiting for the teacher to ask why they don’t have a laptop and not taking any responsibility. I bet the students who were listening got there first.

Limequarters · 05/11/2025 12:09

Low level disruption is a PITA and DS needs to wind it in. It sounds like the teacher is also picking on your son which needs to stop too.

CarpeVitam · 05/11/2025 12:10

SwordToFlamethrower · 03/11/2025 16:58

He sounds too good for the school. Don't let the school rob him of his spirit, he will spend the rest of his life trying to get it back.

🙄🤣

Firethehorse · 05/11/2025 12:25

You have asked for advice on how to handle this OP not for a lecture on your supposedly bad parenting.
My advice would be to be very honest about how you see it, what you are going to do about it and the issue from your side.
Honestly, your son IS part of the disruption problem and this has to stop immediately. You need to agree this with your son before you go in but you also need to let him know you do not agree with the teacher constantly loosing his temper or picking on him when it’s unwarranted.
So I would offer genuine support and assurances re behaviour to the school and let them know you do take this very seriously and do care. Although laughter can not always be controlled if everyone is doing it. I would also raise my concerns regarding a teacher frequently being unable to control his temper as this is a dreadful example and not something that would be acceptable in any modern workplace. I would ask to meet the teacher concerned, apologise for class disruption, adding your son will write a letter of apology, but after this ask that he will not be unduly singled out in future. Hope it goes well.
Much as I really feel for teachers and how hard a time they have, it doesn’t mean inappropriate behaviour on their part should be normalised either. Teenagers are still learning at 16 and need a lot of guidance, including how to apologise and develop better relationships with teachers.

FunMustard · 05/11/2025 12:31

Sounds like your son has done enough "low level" messing around that the teacher is at the end of his rope and blaming him for anything and everything.

TBH, as the parent of a quiet child, who genuinely never once got into trouble at school, it bothered him and subsequently me that the loud, disruptive child got the attention and basically stopped him from learning. He struggled, and this did not help at all.

Stop making excuses, stop accepting the stories he tells you as abject fact.

FrippEnos · 05/11/2025 14:15

pollymere

I'd be pointing out to the school that your DS isn't a problem in any of his other classes so perhaps the blame doesn't lie at his feet.

So the DS can behave, even though the OP says that he causes low level disruption.

Why is this new teacher singling him out for criticism?

See the OP saying that he causes low level disruption

Why is the teacher always shouting and losing his temper?

Does he, or is this an attempt at the DS getting out of trouble?

Explain to your son that the world is full of irritating and unjust people. He only has to be in this class for another six months. His behaviour has been unacceptable but that you can't blame the teacher if he is also not behaving appropriately.

Except that it is the DS that is irritating and being unjust to the others in the class.

pineapplecrushed · 05/11/2025 17:55

He is absolutely being badly behaved. 'Low level' behaviour is disruptive for everyone and unfair on the other students. Being charismatic does not excuse this. As I child I resented these types of kids because I wanted to learn and some jackass in the corner was being 'cheeky' and ruining the lesson. Stop indulging him, not everyone likes a joker.

Ronnybabes · 05/11/2025 17:56

Do you believe your son's version of events. You were not there and only have his word for it.
Is he spinning you a tale knowing you'll believe anything he tells you?

Some parents believe anything their little darlings tell them.

Go to the meeting and find out the truth.
Your son may be right, but you must hear both sides of the argument and not just take blindly what your son says as gospel.

SpinningaCompass · 05/11/2025 20:04

Unitedthebest · 03/11/2025 22:21

I’m a teacher. I understand that many people think it’s just ‘low level behaviour’ but the reality is that this causes the most disruption over any other kind of behaviour because it’s relentless and so frustrating-for the staff and the kids in the class. It’s because it’s every day and it wears you down. These pupils think they are there to entertain and not learn. It’s tiresome, parents aren’t interested and just want to believe everything their little angel tells them…the child then knows they don’t have to show respect and the behaviour continues…on repeat. The only way these children and families learn is when they enter the workplace and reality sets in. Be a parent. Though most have no idea what it is to be one anymore 😂

100% this

Most parents don't have a clue how actually soul destroying these children are to have in a classroom as they take out everyone's attention with their constant shitty behaviour.

Kidsgotothatschool · 05/11/2025 20:12

MrsMitford3 · 05/11/2025 18:26

I know OP has long gone, as this thread didn’t go her way but I’ve had this EXACT conversation several times over the past few days.

I honestly am starting to believe that those who don’t have a background of working in schools have ANY IDEA of how disruptive behaviour absolutely destroys the learning of the other kids. Otherwise they’d be a national outcry! It’s not just annoying to the teacher, it’s damaging to the rest of the children’s progress.

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