Called into school for a meeting

[JewelMonkey]

My 16yr old DS seems to mess around in one of his classes. DS doesn’t get on with the teacher who apparently shouts and looses his temper at the drop of a hat. DS is low level disruptive - messing around with his friend, laughing, sat with his coat on as he was cold etc. He has never, ever been higher level disruptive- no getting angry, no violence or aggression etc, it’s all just petty things. I don’t think DS has any respect for the teacher due to how he acts, and presumably the teacher doesn’t respect DS either. I have had numerous e-mails home from the deputy head regarding laughing in this class and being ‘silly’, I’ve now been asked to attend school for a face to face meeting with the deputy head.

I’ve discussed this with DS so many times, I’ve asked him to toe the line in class like he does in all his other classes. I’ve suggested to the depute that he is moved away from his friend in this class, but still the silliness continues. He is great in all other classes - his teachers know him well, he’s charismatic, funny, loyal and hardworking, he also has funny banter with his teachers, but this one new teacher just looses his mind at the slightest little thing. DS is deflated and doesn’t see the point in trying in this class as the teacher will just pull him up on anything and everything.

how do I handle the school face to face meeting? DS absolutely should be toeing the line, but he is 16 and can be immature- but I don’t feel he’s being badly behaved.

OP, you’ve said he’s disruptive. Messing around, being ‘silly’ and being ‘low level’ disruptive. You are minimising the behaviour and suggesting it’s the teaches fault for finding it disrespectful.

I would want to find out from your DS if he’s disruptive in all classes or just this one! Then find a way to discourage that behaviour. Stop deflecting.

Why should the kid apologise if the school hasn't provided enough laptops?

Respect comes with the teachers position, not their personality. I’ve had many managers that I’ve not liked or found difficult but I respected their role and the skill they brought to it. Teachers have knowledge to pass on to their pupils, the right attitude goes a long way to making lessons enjoyable - and if they aren’t enjoyable, that’s life there are lots of things I need to do that I don’t particularly enjoy.

It’s not sheep like behaviour to expect your child to conduct themselves respectfully in class. If they can’t respect the teacher they certainly should respect the 29 other kids in the class who are there to learn, to pass exams that will impact their future.

I’m the first person to take on the school when they aren’t doing what they should, but the absolute starting point is that my kids don’t piss about in class.

This rekinded me of all the Levi Hawk ‘Teachers Be Targeting Me’ videos on social media. Here

The teacher sounds like a prat but your son is learning a valuable lesson perhaps

If you lose someone's trust they'll blame you for everything.

If your DS had behaved from day 1 maybe he wouldn't be in this situation now.

My son hates it when kids muck around in lessons. He struggles to concentrate at the best of times and get really distracted as he has ADHD. It really upsets him because school is hard enough for him already.

It would be kind of your DS to consider not only the teacher, but the other children in his class by behaving.

Sounds like this teacher is struggling to learn how to handle a room full of kids so is picking on one or two in an attempt to maintain control...

Also sounds like he's a bit of a prick.

Tell your DS 'This is a great example of how some adults in some jobs ARE a bit of a prick, and you learn how to manage them without you looking like the prick. Given patience and handled right, it is possible that the whole world will see what a prick this person is but if you mess around and give him opportunities, it is you that looks like the dick...'

If it were ME in that class... I'd be an absolute fucking arsehole.

'Excuse me Sir, we're 5 laptops short. What would you like us to do to resolve this situation?'

'I'd like permission to get up and pass Fotherington-Thomas this pen, his appears to have run out.'

'Excuse me Sir, it is very chilly in here, please may I wear my coat?''

And of course resist the urge to laugh at silly noises, however he needs to go about that (I recommend entire tie in mouth).

I once said 'Excuse me sir, I'd like to take notes now, please don't think I am doodling or writing notes'.. as the previous time I had done this he'd snatched the pen and thrown it across the room (breaking it).

Got chucked out of the class for doodling and being cheeky, sent to head master with a note 'Widdlin is to show you what she was doodling in class'

Note to teacher from head ' Widdling has shown me a page of detailed notes on the class topic, stop wasting pupils time'.

Now to be fair, I knew he'd do that and i knew the head thought he was a complete bell end.. he did leave me alone after that! Sadly, I had been rooting for him to ask me to tell the class what the Head had said, as he had done to other pupils in the past... but he didn't.

Yes, I totally agree.
As a teacher too, when you are trying to introduce a lesson, it's imperative that everyone listens so you don't need to explain it all again......low level disruption can be extremely annoying and disruptive.

I'm sorry? What?
What do you propose OP does as an alternative? How does one "not let school rob his spirit?"

If this was my lads, I'd be going mad at them. They would and do toe the line.

It's not all about this one boy, there's a whole class full of kids trying to learn and he's disrupting their life chances.

The teacher clearly dislikes him now and so he is being singled out more. But that’s a lesson in life isn’t it, get a bad reputation and there’s an impact. He needs to quit messing around or he could find himself excluded, and in GCSE year, that will be a nightmare. If it was my son, i’d be telling him to wind his neck in. I’d be pretty annoyed at getting called in for such childish behaviour, and certainly wouldn’t be defending him.

@WiddlinDiddlin
If it were ME in that class... I'd be an absolute fucking arsehole.
'Excuse me Sir, we're 5 laptops short. What would you like us to do to resolve this situation?'
Yes, an absolute fucking arsehole.
My perception of you has changed.

Time for DS to grow up. He will not get very far in the workplace if he is 'low level disruptive' just because his mates are there or because he doesn't like his boss.
One person's 'low level disruptive' is another's massively disruptive and annoying.
(Edit to add the following): as other posters have suggested, it sounds like DS has painted a target on his own back and the teacher is likely to look to him first when there is disruption in the class. I imagine all of this could have been avoided if DS had simply kept his head down and got on with it. None of this 'low level disruption' nonsense, it in fact disrupts the entire class.

I get a somewhat indulgent vibe from the "he enjoys bantering with other teachers" introduction. Perhaps he tried bantering with this teacher and they did not like it. That should lead you to adjust your behaviour and not engage in further silliness with this individual - a life lesson that your son seems to have failed to absorb. Yes, the teacher may be a raging douche, but why is your son continuing to antagonise by breaking the rules? Whether others are also doing so is not relevant.

Ah okay, he’s got himself a bit of a reputation for being a pita with this teacher so the teacher will be impatient with him. Not sure why you think the teacher should respect him. Doesn’t sound like he’s done much to earn respect. Your son is going to have to work hard now to lose the poor rep and gain teacher’s respect

I'd be absolutely furious at my son if I found out he was showing a teacher such disregard and a total lack of respect in class. How dare he be allowed to get away with it and 'talking' to him clearly isnt working OP. What are his consequences for his actions? Time to step up and actually parent your child to have some manners. That poor teacher

The other way to see this is the teacher, and the whole poor class know, if you give this kid an inch he will take a mile. Let some small act of poor behaviour go and he will escalate as it is about attention and he has form for constant disruptive behaviour. Another child who is normally really well behaved might do a similar act but giving them a look will revert to being attentive and not disruptive.

op, the the fact you have got a meeting means you are not accepting how disruptive he actually is, even though you are describing it yourself!

It’s so undermining to teachers when some twat is laughing in class unnecessarily. I know you say he’s only low level disruption but it can destroy a lesson

Wow, OP. Your son sounds like a PITA and I think that most of us could hedge a bet as to where he got his attitude from. Stop enabling him and trust the professionals.

And here's the problem... "I don't feel he has behaved badly." He sounds absolutely exhausting and you're enabling him poor behaviour.

If I were you, I would apologise profusely and mean it, then implement consequences for him at home. You have no idea how draining and time wasting 'low level' disruption can be. It's not fair on the other children in the class, whose education he is ruining.

He just needs to do as he’s told op. It’s that simple. Follow instructions without fuss and he’ll probably have a better time of it. I suspect - I have taught numerous young people like your ds - his attitude is the problem. I also suspect you are part of the problem. It staggers me that parents minimise behaviour and condone the destruction of other dcs’ education.

“Low level” disruption is still disruption. It’s also incredibly disrespectful.

Go to the meeting and work on your son’s manners.

Low level disruptive is still disruptive. Pulls his future grades down. Pulls other pupils future grades down. Creates a poor atmosphere.

Whilst pupils may laugh ( out of politeness?) they generally will not like the atmosphere that your DS and others create.

Jokers may get a laugh but are often resented.

Many will have the maturity to realise that the grades they get from this year can play an important part in determining their futures. Both opening + closing the doors of opportunity.

When he comes home saying the teacher shouted at me for only……. You only have his account, not the run up to it, not the details just the edited highlights.

His level of behaviour from your accounts and my teaching experience is about Y9, a 14 year old.

It may be that the particular teacher hasn’t handled things well - but he may been at the end of his tether. That the school are inviting you in then, believe me, things aren’t good at all.

It may be that he swaps groups/sets/options, or a reset with the teacher is needed. But without your son grasping reality and adopting a more age appropriate maturity history is likely to repeat itself.

I used to tell members of my form during mentoring that you don’t choose your workmates or teachers nor they their pupils.
That I might not be buddies with all of my teaching colleagues but that we had to get on and work in a professional manner.

Hope that Thursday next August goes well.

Seriously???

He sounds like a juvenile, disrespectful pita.

I agree.
From here it sounds like six of one, and half a dozen of the other. It may be that your son has messed about. He's possibly toeing the line more now. It may well be that the teacher has already decided your son is 'silly'/'naughty' and therefore sees bad behaviour when there isn't any.
Hopefully you can get some better information in the meeting.
I would raise the laptop issue at this meeting as it does sound, in that specific instance, as your son did nothing wrong, and was being singled out unfairly.

I’m a teacher. I understand that many people think it’s just ‘low level behaviour’ but the reality is that this causes the most disruption over any other kind of behaviour because it’s relentless and so frustrating-for the staff and the kids in the class. It’s because it’s every day and it wears you down. These pupils think they are there to entertain and not learn. It’s tiresome, parents aren’t interested and just want to believe everything their little angel tells them…the child then knows they don’t have to show respect and the behaviour continues…on repeat. The only way these children and families learn is when they enter the workplace and reality sets in. Be a parent. Though most have no idea what it is to be one anymore 😂

As a secondary school teacher, your son's behaviour isn't ideal.

However, neither is the teacher's response. In your updates, it sounds like the teacher is deliberately targeting your son now as a mutual dislike has set in and he has become hypersensitive to his behaviour. This does happen when a child is a troublemaker - you look to them first when there's disruption, and you do have to consciously stop yourself from being disproportionately hard on them when there are others doing the same thing elsewhere in the room.

From what you've said, the teacher has been unprofessional. But your son's behaviour is also unacceptable. The two situations can coexist.

When you go to the meeting, I would acknowledge the fact that your son's behaviour has not been appropriate. However, I would raise the factual points that your son has been singled out for not having a laptop when none were available, and for wearing his coat when others were also doing so as the heating was broken, which has contributed to your son's behaviour choices in class. In both of these instances the teacher was being unprofessional and unkind - if I had told off a child for not having a laptop and they had then told me there weren't enough to go around, I would have apologised immediately and admitted my error. Mutual respect goes a long way in building good relationships with students and it's important that we can admit when we get it wrong. This teacher needs some support to be able to better manage the class and his relationship with your son. I wonder whether they are newly qualified and not coping?

What I would encourage you to do at home is emphasise that no matter what the teacher has done, your son has to do as he's told and stop being disrespectful. Laughing in class and arguing back is not ok and he is just pushing this teacher's buttons every time he does it, which is going to continue to escalate the situation. You say your son likes to 'banter' with teachers, and sometimes children who do this can misunderstand the boundaries and not recognise when they are taking things too far. There is a very thin line between banter and disrespect, and it sounds like he is crossing it.