Called into school for a meeting

[JewelMonkey]

My 16yr old DS seems to mess around in one of his classes. DS doesn’t get on with the teacher who apparently shouts and looses his temper at the drop of a hat. DS is low level disruptive - messing around with his friend, laughing, sat with his coat on as he was cold etc. He has never, ever been higher level disruptive- no getting angry, no violence or aggression etc, it’s all just petty things. I don’t think DS has any respect for the teacher due to how he acts, and presumably the teacher doesn’t respect DS either. I have had numerous e-mails home from the deputy head regarding laughing in this class and being ‘silly’, I’ve now been asked to attend school for a face to face meeting with the deputy head.

I’ve discussed this with DS so many times, I’ve asked him to toe the line in class like he does in all his other classes. I’ve suggested to the depute that he is moved away from his friend in this class, but still the silliness continues. He is great in all other classes - his teachers know him well, he’s charismatic, funny, loyal and hardworking, he also has funny banter with his teachers, but this one new teacher just looses his mind at the slightest little thing. DS is deflated and doesn’t see the point in trying in this class as the teacher will just pull him up on anything and everything.

how do I handle the school face to face meeting? DS absolutely should be toeing the line, but he is 16 and can be immature- but I don’t feel he’s being badly behaved.

But he wasn't the only one and there weren't enough to go round. What was he supposed to do after apologising for something that wasn't his fault?

Or are you just being disruptive?

The problem is now the teacher clearly can’t stand him playing up, every little misdemeanour is going to trigger a reaction.

You need to be more of a grown up about this.

Before you go to the meeting make a bargain with your ds: tell him that if he promises to be a model student for the rest of the year then you will ask the teacher to give him a second chance and not lay into him so much.

I would point out to ds : in class there’s some behaviour which can come across very loud and abrasive. So for example: something funny happens and the classes titters, but there’s one lad in his coat lounging at the back who’s been chatting to his mate on and off and not concentrating and he guffaws in a really exaggerated, OTT way, maybe makes a loud hilarious comment on the situation which makes everyone laugh a bit more - he’s popular and funny and a jack-the-lad and usually the teachers find him amusing. But that’s the kid this teacher will fixate on Because he doesn’t find it amusing.

Your ds needs to be careful that in a class of people laughing and messing about it a little bit, he’s not the one that stands out for doing it in a loud, cocky way every lesson. There’s a fine line between being a joker and being a jerk.

What year group is he in OPas you say he only picked up accountancy this year? Are you in Scotland? Are these Highers?

That aside - are you missing the third word of 'low level disruption'?

Your son is being an arsehole. Stop minimising. Stop defending him.

His 'low level disruption' isn't something you can just dismiss, especially as it's clearly constant and deliberate. And it's also clearly a choice he's making.

I don't care if your son is deflated. He's making his teacher's job difficult, if not impossible, ON PURPOSE, and he is actively disrupting the education of everyone else in the room

Tell him to stop it, end of, or there will be negative consequences at home as well.

Are you for real? Throwing a pen across the class is massively disruptive not to mention dangerous. Kids learn not to do this in year 7. Your son is 16 and behaves like this?

Yeah he sounds like the problem tbh and not the teacher who is probably understandably sick to death of him.

What consequences do you impose at home OP when you've had emails about this sort of behaviour in school? If i got an email about behaviour from my teen sons school it would be an instant loss of phone, for at least 48 hours.
I'm guessing you haven't really imposed a consequence, just spoken to him and told him not to do it again. He needs a real consequence.

For the teacher to have got to this point where he's actively looking to catch your son doing the wrong thing he must be so so so fed up with him.

Otherwise why do you think the teacher would choose to single your son out more than any other child in the class?

Some teachers can be on complete power trips - so I can empathise.
On the other hand - is it possible that your son is struggling with the actual subject and as a result, is losing concentration and therefore ends up disturbing others?

Whilst you sound like you could do with taking your blinkers off and actually dealing with the issue. Tell your ds to stop messing around and if he doesn’t, put consequences into place at home. He is continuing as he has you there excusing his poor behaviour at every turn.

Whilst you do agree that he is doing those things and that they are annoying, if you read back your posts, then you justify it every single time someone says he needs to stop. The teacher probably does notice your ds more as he’s had 2 months dealing with the same silliness. Hes probably tired of it and doesn’t have the same level of patience as he does with other students who turn up, make the right choices and just get on with their work.

Whilst you may find him charming and charismatic, I’m guessing this teacher doesn’t in the slightest. Your ds is the issue - not the teacher who is trying to teach 30 students and get them good grades.

'DS is deflated'

No OP, your son is a jack the lad who wants to be class clown.

I had a son like this, very bright but preferred to be 'jack the lad'. Really hard to deal with as a teacher [I am also a teacher], but a class clown is disruptive for the other kids. As parents, we backed the school to the hilt but ensured our son was treated fairly. We all survived, he got a 1st from Exeter, but you have my sympathy, it wasn't fun.

I would go to the meeting armed with these examples but be prepared to have an open mind. If these examples really are accurate then absolutely there needs to be some intervention by the school about the teachers conduct. BUT you do only have one side of the story so be prepared to see that it might be a perception thing from your DS

If there's no out and out bullying then I think this is an important lesson for your son - outside of the subject he's taking. He cannot and will not like and be liked by everyone. But you just have to suck it up sometimes. Is it fair? No. Is it a bit shit? Definitely. But does he need to rein his neck in for 2 hours a week or whatever it is and make it through the rest of his school life before never having to deal with it again? Yes. It won't kill him.

First post nailed it.
‘Parenting’ like OP is a huge part of the issues with poor behaviour in schools. How do you get to having an almost adult child and them thinking it’s okay to behave like this?! My mum would’ve taken tech away, grounded me and made me write an apology letter to the teacher if I’d have done things OP has listed her son doing.

I don’t have teens - but if my primary school children behaved like OPs almost child I would have an issue! It’s time to start parenting OP. Better late than never

He’s 16, he should know how to behave. He’s given himself a poor reputation to boot. OP, your son is the problem.

Instead of assuming he is being "singled out", ask yourself why a teacher would?

Its because he's put up with your DS disruptive behaviour for too long and now has a negative opinion of him.

Your best bet is to calmly say you understand DS behaviour has been unacceptable but note that you feel he's clearly got off on the wrong foot with the teacher. Politely ask if you can agree a "clean sheet". Get your DS to commit to behaving properly, but ask that the teacher give him a chance to "start over".

OP you're parenting/perspective is possibly part of the problem. Have you ever spent a day in a classroom with 30 kids? I don't think you'd find your son's behaviour so funny if you did . Sounds like he's being an annoying dick tbh ( albeit a low level one).

I bet most of us have had the benefit of a colleague with the charisma and bants of such a young man.

I agree with the majority of the posters here. Your son is a PITA and you seem to condone it as silly and immature.

I have more than 30 years' teaching experience in secondary schools and have lost count of how many "silly and immature" lads I have had to endure in my classroom. They are never wrong, the teacher is always "picking on them" and they fail to see why I do not find their antics hilarious. Thank goodness I no longer work in schools where this sort of nonsense is tolerated. I have a reputation for being really strict and am proud of it. I am firm until I know I can trust a class; once they know how to behave in my lessons, we have a great time and they enjoy their learning. They thank me routinely at the end of their lessons. However, for the tiny minority like your son, I go in hard because they are disrupting the learning of others and that is wholly unacceptable. Luckily for me, I only need to see them once or twice a week; I pity their peers being subjected to this nonsense lesson after lesson.

Step up and parent your child. You have heard one side of the story. Go in with an open mind and listen to what the Deputy Head is actually telling you. Compare that with your son's account. Maybe the teacher is harsh to your son, but this will only have come about because your son could not behave in an acceptable manner in the first place. We don't start out wanting to pick on students - dealing with poor behaviour takes precious time that I simply do not have. However, poor choices on their part means that you do pick up on every small misdemeanour because if you don't, they push as far as they can.

You describe him as charismatic. The word used for my son was (is) charming, but learning the parameters of that, and recognising how to behave with someone immune to your charm/charisma is really essential learning, and 16 is getting on for that.

No you don't or you wouldn't be making excuses for everything and refusing to discipline him.

Do you realise how infuriating low level disruption is?

Yes he does sound like a PITA.

Is he struggling with Accountancy and playing up to disguise that fact and save face?

Teacher sounds as they've had enough of his shenanigans and will understandably think he's at the source of all arsehole behaviour. Keep an open mind as every story has 2 sides and the truth is often in the middle.

Also talk to your DS about if he's managing the work ok. Pupils sometimes play up to hide that they are struggling with the content. If he is, be honest with the teacher about it and ask if he can recommend any resources your DS can access at home to practise etc.

I feel like your description of his behaviour has changed as the thread has progressed...you have gone from admitting he messes about and laughs with his friends and was wearing his coat as he was cold, but now it seems that you have changed this to "everyone does it..."

I don't think your attitude, which whether purposeful or not is helping as it does feel you are making excuses for him and putting this on the teacher

Your son needs to modify his own behaviour, regardless of what the rest of the class does.

It really is silly things - he threw a pen across to another pupil 2 desks as their pen had run out, the teacher saw and yelled at him, DS apologised to the teacher for throwing then pen, but the teacher didn’t drop it for the rest of the lesson.

I will bet a million pounds it is more than this and your DS is downplaying whats happened.

And you were there to witness this?

The problem with ‘low level’ behaviour like this is because when it is told anecdotally or written down, it makes it seem quite petty or harmless. However, if one pupil (or a small number of pupils) does it constantly, then it can seriously disrupt the lesson and cause a huge amount of stress for the teacher. The teacher is probably on edge and just waiting for the next little thing for your son to do to disrupt the lesson, hence what appears to be an over the top reaction is actually a stress response. Your son Iis causing that teacher to be stressed. And I can guarantee your son will be missing out some context about the lead up to or the aftermath of these incidents.

Sitting with his coat on = finding an opportunity to goad the teacher into having to say something
throwing his pen to lend someone = throwing the pen when it is not allowed and probably undermining the teacher at the same time
laughing along with his mates = laughing AT and belittling the teacher

Serious behaviour incidents are easier to cope with because there is a clear consequence to that behaviour. Stuff like what your son is doing is the behaviour that really grinds the teachers down and ruins the class for the teacher and other pupils. This teacher will probably be dreading school every day.