DD (16) physically retaliated in a fight with DS (6). I don’t know what to do.

[CandidPearlWasp]

Hi everyone. I’m having a very tough time with my children and hoping for some advice.

My DD is 16, and my son (her half brother) is 6. DD splits her time 50/50 between our house and my ex husband’s house.

Recently my son has been having behavioural challenges. Our physician suspects he has ODD and ADHD, and we are awaiting therapy and services for him. In the meantime, he has explosive and sometimes violent meltdowns and everyday tasks are a battle when he’s not getting his way. He has hit, punched, pulled hair, bit, etc. all of us and it’s been awful, but we can usually deescalate the situation, but since he’s a tall boy and weighs 65lbs it does hurt.

Two weeks ago my DD was in her bedroom watching something on her iPad, which her father bought for her. We do not have one for my son, so he’s been very intrigued by it and she’s let him use it before. This time, he went in and said he wanted to play on it. She said no. He started to have a verbal meltdown and she said “I said no, get out of my room please”. This escalated into him climbing onto her bed, hitting her in the face and pulling her hair. She then grabbed him by the hair, got off the bed by standing up while holding his hair and dragged him out of her room and across the hall by the hair. He was screaming in pain and fear and she threw him into his room, said “that doesn’t feel good, does it?” and slammed the door.

I was outside as this happened and alerted by the nanny cam we have downstairs. I rushed in and ran into my 6 year old’s room to calm him down, as he was wailing. My 16 year old came in and got angry with me saying it’s all always about him, even though he was “a little psycho who attacked her”. I told her that I understood it’s not okay he attacked her, but he’s a small child and what she did wasn’t okay. She left for her father’s that night and hasn’t been back, is barely speaking to me and won’t speak to or apologize to her brother. She’s made it clear to me she thinks she did nothing wrong.

I’m at a loss - about how to handle my son, how to reconnect with my daughter and how to move forward as a family.

Tbh, sometimes it takes something huge like this for things to get better.

The fact that she did it because being attacked I don't think you can really blame her. Even at 16, we all have a point that we can't handle it anymore and I presume she was being hurt quite badly for her to do this, that and the shock of being hit by her own brother.

Please be kind to your daughter, she will feel frustrated and I think she needs to hear that you understand. Then perhaps can move forward.

Would it be ok for the op to drag her disabled 6yo around by his hair?

Suspected - and I say as a parent of a one child with ADHD disgaonsed and another suspected it does not mean poor behavior is excused - it may need more parental input and longer time frames but idea they can't understand going to someone room and attcking them is wrong is bloody odd.

A 16 year old isn't going to have same patience and skills as an adult - and it sounds like OP struggles with him. This is also a girl being expect to take a hit by a boy - it a worrying idea and wouldn't suprise me if OP ex the girls dad said something about hitting back as clearly this is an issue that been going on a while.

OP clearly wants a relationship with her DD going forward - it may be she needs to spend more time at her dad for her safety - but the dismissve well the 16 isn't up to scratch focus on the son isn't helpful.

I suspect that the DS problems have pushed the 16 year out of her mum view a bit - and the 16 year may have been struggling a while - the bearly speaking probably feels she been ignore and is now done unless something changes.

I wouldn't get hung up on either child apologising - it's meaningless anyway - it's how to move forward - and that means trying to avoid future such encounters and partly how Op gets her DD to interact with her again - and that may be best done one on one outside the Op home for a bit.

TBF you clearly can't stop him hurting her so she did. He's 6, not 2.

Fully support her in this one and her not coming back until you get things under control.

DD could have handled it better but why should she always tolerate being physically assaulted by your son for no reason? Seems like you think she is in the wrong; did you make your son apologise to her or was he just consoled? I appreciate you are potentially awaiting a diagnosis, but ND children still need boundaries and consequences. Sounds like a rubbish situation for DD more than anyone tbh.

Yeah, not her bloody job, and I imagine she was frightened in pain and disregulated by an unprovoked attack, but it’s her job as the women to suck it up. No, you are a misogynist or a troll #teamDD.

I bet this poor DD’s step dad, the father of DS, lost it at her over this hence her leaving for her dad’s. Poor thing

Everybody has their breaking point. Perhaps he will now learn not to torture his sister.

I can’t stand this whataboutery. It’s as stupid as asking what if it was a gorilla.

I’m also guessing that she had enough, and hence retaliated. What she did was wrong, but ds needs to be taught that violence is not acceptable also.

I’m not surprised dd hasn’t been back. You excused his behaviour but not gets. What consequences did ds get for attacking her? Why does ds get let of the hook?

Out if interest, How do you de-escalate ds’s behaviour? What strategies are you employing?

This is also a young girl who is entitled to feel safe and protected from violence in her own home. Something she hasn't had for sometime if the OP is to be believed. She did a very teenage thing and lashed out because she was at the end of her tether. I am worried for her as her brother is only going to get bigger and stronger and more capable of really hurting her the longer this goes on. I had to put up with this (my brother was only 2 years younger so was taller and stronger than me by the time I was 14). The only thing I could do was lock myself in my room and pretty well withdraw from family life until I was able to leave completely at 18 and barely ever visit.

You do know that once he gets into his teens, the legal system won't say, "Oh, he has ADHD and ODD so we won't send him to jail for beating a woman!"?

Dragging him by his hair will pale in comparison to what will happen to him if OP doesn't nip this in the bud now.

I don't support corporal punishment of children but I also think that if you leave a 16 yo to deal with a 6 yos completely unacceptable behaviour she's going to use the limited tools at her disposal.

I think the thing that's stands out about the op, is that you are able to connect with your ds' emotional experience (you describe him being afraid and in pain) but not the emotional experience of your dd (who was likewise afraid and in pain).

If you are being honest, is your bond closer with your ds? Does he get more of your time and energy?

I wonder if spending more 1:1 time with your dd might be helpful to the family dynamic? How can she be made more central and important in the family unit?

How childish.

It's not about being on anyones team. I already acknowledged the op should have stepped in far earlier, but once the situation has developed it's really not ok for a 16 year old of any gender to drag a child around by their hair. If it was a 6 year old girl and a 16 year old boy i would say the same.

Ban him from her room. He had her cornered so she didn't have much choice but to retaliate.

She’s the psycho. She used her bigger size to
abuse a small child. At 16 she should know better.

Something tells me the only result of this will be your son getting his own iPad and your relationship with your daughter being destroyed.
The fact he stayed in his room crying that someone treated him the same way he treated them tells me there's more lack of parenting than ODD going on here.

How do you handle your son when he has a meltdown? What form does de-escalation take?

It sounds from this as if your dd has had enough of everything being geared towards your ds, and snapped. I don’t see anything wrong with her behaviour. She started off calm and polite, and only retaliated when he hit her. Looks like she’s tired of being hurt, and I don’t blame her.

I’d urgently look into ways to deal with your DS’s poor behaviour. Ask your GP for help, or look at https://adhduk.co.uk/ for ideas.

It was self-defence. She was being hit, in the face and had her hair pulled, and not for the first time either by the sounds of it. 16 years old is also a child, not a man.

Okay OP you can't say "he's a big lad, 65lb, so it hurts" and then 2 minutes later say "but how could she, he's just a small child" 🙄
He's 6 not a baby. I fully support what your DD did in that moment. Hopefully DS has learnt his lesson and won't hurt her again. Using ASD and ADHD and the likes as excuses for bad behaviour just makes this worse.

Yeh, a 16 yo is childish because their a child and OP has a legal responsibility to keep her safe from violence.

Maybe that's another conversation for OP to have with her daughter, other ways to de-escalate a similar situation? But she needs to start by acknowledging that it was completely unacceptable for her DD to be attacked and apologise for not protecting her.

I feel sorry for your DD. Yes, she’s older but she was physically and emotionally hurt too by her brother, who started all this. Yet you rush in to console him? No wonder she’s fed up. He should be apologising to her. You need to treat both children fairly and equally. Your DD still needs you.

Apologise to her, empathise with her upset at being attacked in her own room, and from now on treat them fairly. Your son doesn’t get a free pass because of possible SEN. He has to live in this world and you’re doing him no favours by not being strict enough or guiding him more.

Hopefully he will learn the lesson that not everyone swallowed the gentle parenting book whole. If you attack someone they might fight back and if they are bigger than you you might get hurt. He shouldn't have done it then she wouldn't have been tempted to retaliate, team daughter here. Can you get a latch for her door that he can't open, for safety one that can be opened from the outside if necessary, she needs her own space when she needs it. She's young too and still needs your attention and support, she's right it's not all about him.

Everyone saying to parent your DS like they are expecting you to walk around watching him continuously! Dont cook, clean or go the toilet because you must be present to parent him at all times! My middle child has adhd and asd and whilst she knows what's right and, she doesn't have any impulse control.
i feel sorry for everyone in this situation.
i would validate your daughter, explain that you understand how she has reacted like that and try and give her strategies if it happens.