DD (16) physically retaliated in a fight with DS (6). I don’t know what to do.

[CandidPearlWasp]

Hi everyone. I’m having a very tough time with my children and hoping for some advice.

My DD is 16, and my son (her half brother) is 6. DD splits her time 50/50 between our house and my ex husband’s house.

Recently my son has been having behavioural challenges. Our physician suspects he has ODD and ADHD, and we are awaiting therapy and services for him. In the meantime, he has explosive and sometimes violent meltdowns and everyday tasks are a battle when he’s not getting his way. He has hit, punched, pulled hair, bit, etc. all of us and it’s been awful, but we can usually deescalate the situation, but since he’s a tall boy and weighs 65lbs it does hurt.

Two weeks ago my DD was in her bedroom watching something on her iPad, which her father bought for her. We do not have one for my son, so he’s been very intrigued by it and she’s let him use it before. This time, he went in and said he wanted to play on it. She said no. He started to have a verbal meltdown and she said “I said no, get out of my room please”. This escalated into him climbing onto her bed, hitting her in the face and pulling her hair. She then grabbed him by the hair, got off the bed by standing up while holding his hair and dragged him out of her room and across the hall by the hair. He was screaming in pain and fear and she threw him into his room, said “that doesn’t feel good, does it?” and slammed the door.

I was outside as this happened and alerted by the nanny cam we have downstairs. I rushed in and ran into my 6 year old’s room to calm him down, as he was wailing. My 16 year old came in and got angry with me saying it’s all always about him, even though he was “a little psycho who attacked her”. I told her that I understood it’s not okay he attacked her, but he’s a small child and what she did wasn’t okay. She left for her father’s that night and hasn’t been back, is barely speaking to me and won’t speak to or apologize to her brother. She’s made it clear to me she thinks she did nothing wrong.

I’m at a loss - about how to handle my son, how to reconnect with my daughter and how to move forward as a family.

But he is only 6

"He is only six" doesn't hold much water when he's also ⅔ the weight of his sister, and attacks her frequently, violently, and with very little provocation. He may not be strong enough to easily break bones, but he's certainly strong enough to cause significant bruising, broken skin, and damage to possessions.

And one day he will be sixteen himself, with all the adult-male strength that goes with it. He needs to learn appropriate behaviour now, so no-one is endangered then. If his needs are so severe that he is incapable of learning (and nothing posted by the OP suggests this), then he needs constant supervision - it's basic safeguarding for him, and everyone around him.

Exactly @cornbunting

I don’t understand the comment “he’s only six” in this context where’s he’s hitting his sister on the face ?

It’s also probably at the back of her head that in another 6 years he is likely to overpower her.

But even at this age with those actions he could have injured her eye or scarred her face.

@cornbunting @Panpots

I've said previously that I'm on DD's side, & OP has reinforced that view by leaving the thread when she didn't get the approval and sympathy that she was expecting. However, I see that the responsibility for moderating/mitigating DS's behaviour lies with OP; you simply cannot expect a 6-year-old to control their emotions. ND (or even "normal" or whatever we are supposed to call non-ND) children are far too young to behave as we expect adults and teenagers to behave. I agree that as DS gets older and bigger, the standards of his behaviour have to improve, but that is something for OP/teachers/professionals to address and help him with.

My daughter is only 2 and half and she knows that if she hits and smacks and scratches, it won’t be tolerated. When she scratched faces at under one we told her ‘no’. I understand OP’s child is ND but there is no age at which it is too early to teach a child not
to lash out in anger and frustration. This might be the lesson OP’s son needs to bed that in.

Quite. And if nothing else, how awful to constantly feel so on edge knowing that your brother is likely to fly into a rage and attack you with, as mentioned above, very little ‘provocation’, if it can even be called that. The emotional stress on her shouldn’t be dismissed. It makes me sad that you don’t seem to be able to recognise how hard this is on your daughter at all.
‘My DD is truly furious with me and my DH and my DS. When I tried to talk to her she said the entire house revolves around him, we expect her to give in to his every whim so he doesn’t have meltdowns and she said she’s not interested in coming back to our house or seeing our DS again, no matter what physical changes (ie locks) or household changes (supervision, therapy, etc.) we implement. Our DS keeps asking about her, wanting to apologize and crying that she won’t speak to him.’
Nothing she’s said seems to be inaccurate, and all you seem to care about still is how your son feels. It shouldn’t have had to get to breaking point for your poor daughter before you put ‘physical or household’ changes in place, you should’ve done all that long ago.

However, young children have different feelings from older children; a simple example to prove this is that they cry, with real tears, much more easily. If you have successfully trained your 2.5-year-old not to cry, I am not sure this is a good thing.

The OP never came back, did she?

Eh? Where does that poster you’ve quoted mentioned anything about crying? I hope you warmed up your muscles before making that gigantic leap

OP came back and updated once (go to the first post and click "see all"). Given the response I'm surprised we got that much, it can't be much fun being told what a terrible parent you are over and over again. I'm hoping this stressed family has managed to find a way forward now.

Read what I wrote again

I don’t really understand the point you are making? Obviously a 2 year old is developmentally different to a six year old, my point is that a six year old
is well past the point where they should be introduced to the idea that being violent has consequences, regardless of their feelings.

Agreed, but they still have strong feelings which older children can control but younger ones can't - e.g. a 6 year old will fall and cry where a 16 year old won't.

Especially when op will no its true, and rhe majority of the posters agree with the dd that the ds is priority in the household.

I hope that the DD is a lot less stressed now that she doesn't have to put up with her violent stepbrother, and is quite happily living her best life at her dads.

Unless the OP has managed to guilt her in to going back into a house where she is unsafe and very likely to be attacked again.

He's her half brother not her step brother. OP made that clear in the first post.

and yet the rest of my post stands as written.

If you can't get the most basic and obvious facts right it does undermine the rest of it.

Yet you don't argue the rest of it.

So you have no point except to point out a single mistake.

Not much of an argument.

I'm pointing out you were talking as if you understood the situation but got the simplest and most straightforward detail wrong. Doesn't inspire confidence in things like your assertion about her being attacked again. Siblings squabbling about an iPad isn't normally referred to as an attack, dragging a child ten years younger than you by their hair now that sounds like an attack.

@TheignT
Being hit in the face and having her hair pulled which is what happened to the girl is an attack.
And as OP admitted he'd been violent before to the DD, and the parents are usually able to intervene after a minute or so.
A 6 yo kid can administer a lot of pain in 1 minute. Just think of all the times people's babies or toddlers pull their hair or hit them in the face.

Let's not minimise violence towards girls.

whilst you normalise violence towards a 6 year old !! 6!
a 6 year old who hasn’t learnt to regulate his emotions yet.
A 16 year old who is criminally reasonable in the eyes of law, whilst everyone can understand why she behaved like that doesn’t make it okay.
Can you imagine trying to explain and justify that in a court ?!!!

In that case the OP would be relieved such a violent 16 year old has voluntarily removed themselves.

Alternatively the 16 year old is fed up.of being a punch bag.

whilst you normalise violence towards a 6 year old !! 6!
a 6 year old who hasn’t learnt to regulate his emotions yet.

From the way that @CandidPearlWasp tells the story in her OP, I inferred that this is not the first time the OP's DS has attacked his sister. His violence sounds pretty full on.

And the fact that the OP was more concerned to calm and soothe her DS, and is angry with her DD, including requiring that her DD apologise to the boy who was "climbing onto her bed, hitting her in the face and pulling her hair"

rather than requiring her DS to apologise to his sister, says an awful lot about the way that the OP's DD is regarded & treated in the family - way down at the bottom of the pile, in fact.

So you think dragging a six year old by the hair is ok? Nice.