DD (16) physically retaliated in a fight with DS (6). I don’t know what to do.

[CandidPearlWasp]

Hi everyone. I’m having a very tough time with my children and hoping for some advice.

My DD is 16, and my son (her half brother) is 6. DD splits her time 50/50 between our house and my ex husband’s house.

Recently my son has been having behavioural challenges. Our physician suspects he has ODD and ADHD, and we are awaiting therapy and services for him. In the meantime, he has explosive and sometimes violent meltdowns and everyday tasks are a battle when he’s not getting his way. He has hit, punched, pulled hair, bit, etc. all of us and it’s been awful, but we can usually deescalate the situation, but since he’s a tall boy and weighs 65lbs it does hurt.

Two weeks ago my DD was in her bedroom watching something on her iPad, which her father bought for her. We do not have one for my son, so he’s been very intrigued by it and she’s let him use it before. This time, he went in and said he wanted to play on it. She said no. He started to have a verbal meltdown and she said “I said no, get out of my room please”. This escalated into him climbing onto her bed, hitting her in the face and pulling her hair. She then grabbed him by the hair, got off the bed by standing up while holding his hair and dragged him out of her room and across the hall by the hair. He was screaming in pain and fear and she threw him into his room, said “that doesn’t feel good, does it?” and slammed the door.

I was outside as this happened and alerted by the nanny cam we have downstairs. I rushed in and ran into my 6 year old’s room to calm him down, as he was wailing. My 16 year old came in and got angry with me saying it’s all always about him, even though he was “a little psycho who attacked her”. I told her that I understood it’s not okay he attacked her, but he’s a small child and what she did wasn’t okay. She left for her father’s that night and hasn’t been back, is barely speaking to me and won’t speak to or apologize to her brother. She’s made it clear to me she thinks she did nothing wrong.

I’m at a loss - about how to handle my son, how to reconnect with my daughter and how to move forward as a family.

She lost her temper, which isn’t acceptable but it is hard not to retaliate when someone’s hurting you. I know I’ll be annihilated for that but I do get why she lashed out.

Well, you were ineffective in how you've been dealing with it OP, or he wouldn't still be doing it. She too is your child and shouldn't have to put up with being physically assaulted. Yes, she over reacted but she was probably in pain from his assaults, 6 year olds can be stronger than they look.

Perhaps he learned a lesson.

She shouldn't have done it, obviously. But i feel for everyone in this situation. Your son, for being in a world he doesnt understand and finds so tough to navigate. You, for having to try and do whats right for your son AND daughter, and your daughter who has to deal with being attacked in the safety of her own home on a regular basis. She's 16. She is old enough to understand, yes, but she's not an adult.
Hope someone with more experience in this area comes along with advice and this thread doesn't turn into a pile on for either your son or your daughter.

I'm sure he won't do it again.

You have my sympathy though OP. I think one of the hardest things you go through as a parent when one child hurts the other.

I feel for you OP but I don't think she did anything wrong to be honest

Just to say as someone with siblings 9 and 12 years older, they did retaliate when I hit them first and I don’t blame them!

Behaviour has consequences, he does not get to attack people.

Would your daughter not prefer to live with her father full time? You could meet up with her away from your house.

Maybe it will actually help him realise that he can’t treat her like that on future. It might help resolve the situation for you all?

sorry you are going through this but your daughter should not have to put up with being assaulted in her own room.

This.

She's 16.
She started calm, I was expecting something way more out there than what you posted tbh.

Talk to her about effective strategies and how violence isn't okay but honestly work on
A. your sons behaviour
B. Parenting more actively.

She’s a child too. She retaliated to being attacked. I don’t blame her.

Honestly I think he learned a lesson. He's learned he can't force his sister to let him get his own way or physically attack her. He probably won't do it again

It’s not ideal but maybe it’ll teach him a lesson 🤷‍♀️

What she did was completely understandable.

If the end result is to be less physical violence from ASD ADHD kids with violent behaviour this is what is needed.

People will disagree that this should be done, but it is what would reduce their violence purely through learning, just like training any other being

Bet he won't assault her again.
You need to be kind to both of your dc. Making out she is in the wrong will send terrible messages.

Do you have anyone who can look after your DS so that you can visit your DD and speak to her privately about things?

What she did and her lack of remorse wasn’t good but perhaps reflects how difficult she finds the situation with her sibling and his behaviour, and perhaps other things.

Hopefully he won’t hurt her again now he’s had it dished out to him.

It sounds like your daughter has had enough of having to put his feelings first.

Maybe he won’t attack his sister again, you need to be more on the ball op and don’t let it get so far. Why were you not stopping him going into her room?

She didn't handle it great - but she is 16 and has a right to not be attacked in her home or have her things taken. I can see why she lashed out TBH.

It's probbaly easier for her to just avoid her brother and your poor handling of him and stay at her Dad's.

I'd try reaching out -acknowledge that his behavior was poor and point out you are working on it - and that you are sorry she feels ignored but you love her and try and keep communication open with her. Perhaps suggest meeting up outside home just you and her.

With him make sure you aren't using his suspected SEN/ND as an excuse for poor behavior. Would a lock on her door help - to keep him out - and if you haven't look for technquies to deal with the OPP - ways of speaking to avoid conflict.

She’s 16, I think she reacted pretty appropriately for her age. I’d have asked her if she was ok too and explained to DS that often times people will retaliate if he attacks them.

Honestly I’m not surprised she reacted like she did. Your way of dealing with his violence hasn’t worked has it? You haven’t protected her from him.

If he’s this strong now at this age and size it’s going to get really bad as he grows bigger and then goes through puberty.

Stop blaming your DD and apologise to her for not protecting her. Start actively parenting your DS when your DD is there. Don’t let him have a chance to assault her. He needs to be with you or his father at all times when DD is there.

Everyone has a breaking point, he brought her to hers!
did he learn anything from it?

Why are you expecting your daughter to apologise to your son? It should be the other way around.