DD (16) physically retaliated in a fight with DS (6). I don’t know what to do.

[CandidPearlWasp]

Hi everyone. I’m having a very tough time with my children and hoping for some advice.

My DD is 16, and my son (her half brother) is 6. DD splits her time 50/50 between our house and my ex husband’s house.

Recently my son has been having behavioural challenges. Our physician suspects he has ODD and ADHD, and we are awaiting therapy and services for him. In the meantime, he has explosive and sometimes violent meltdowns and everyday tasks are a battle when he’s not getting his way. He has hit, punched, pulled hair, bit, etc. all of us and it’s been awful, but we can usually deescalate the situation, but since he’s a tall boy and weighs 65lbs it does hurt.

Two weeks ago my DD was in her bedroom watching something on her iPad, which her father bought for her. We do not have one for my son, so he’s been very intrigued by it and she’s let him use it before. This time, he went in and said he wanted to play on it. She said no. He started to have a verbal meltdown and she said “I said no, get out of my room please”. This escalated into him climbing onto her bed, hitting her in the face and pulling her hair. She then grabbed him by the hair, got off the bed by standing up while holding his hair and dragged him out of her room and across the hall by the hair. He was screaming in pain and fear and she threw him into his room, said “that doesn’t feel good, does it?” and slammed the door.

I was outside as this happened and alerted by the nanny cam we have downstairs. I rushed in and ran into my 6 year old’s room to calm him down, as he was wailing. My 16 year old came in and got angry with me saying it’s all always about him, even though he was “a little psycho who attacked her”. I told her that I understood it’s not okay he attacked her, but he’s a small child and what she did wasn’t okay. She left for her father’s that night and hasn’t been back, is barely speaking to me and won’t speak to or apologize to her brother. She’s made it clear to me she thinks she did nothing wrong.

I’m at a loss - about how to handle my son, how to reconnect with my daughter and how to move forward as a family.

She clearly thinks your not dealing with the situation and basically ineffective .
She could have a point

This, her view is you've done nothing previously to protect her or admonish him, did nothing on this occasion other than rush to him. Did you even check if she was OK?

She’s only 16. She’s not mature enough to accept the physical abuse she got from him. I think you need to give her some love, not apprehend her. Then when you’ve rebuilt relationships you can say that you’re really sorry that your son treats her like this, but he’s struggling too and you’re trying to help him.

She lost her temper and over reacted, but your ds has learned (i hope) a valuable lesson, not everyone will deal kindly or patiently with him when he misbehaves, no matter what the mitigating circumstances.

She doesn’t apologise. You don’t apologise for her. Your DS is told that he can’t assault people. YOU put in place supervision, to the level that is required for your DS’s needs.

Accept that your DD may not want to live with your DS.

Poor girl. She’s minding her own business in her own room and gets attacked then gets blamed for removing the attacker in the same manner that she’s been assaulted in and he gets hugged and she gets shat on. I’d stay at my dads if I was her might be better all round. That kid needs told her room is out of bounds and he needs reprimanded when he’s violent. She’s had to take that matter into her own hands, and hopefully he’s learnt a valuable lesson. Her response doesn’t sound disproportionate to the crime if you ask me.

This. She overreacted but only when she had been very badly provoked. As a sister who was attacked on a regular basis by a younger brother who became much stronger than me I am worried that this is going to escalate quite badly as he grows. My solution was to go to uni and barely ever come back - I don't suppose that is what you want?

You need to arrange to meet up with her for a meal out or a coffee and apologise to her for not taking it seriously enough and checking she was OK. Explain why you think that her behaviour was unhelpful but make it clear you understand where she was coming from. Talk through ways that you can make it easier for her in the short term (eg a lock on her bedroom door) and explain the steps you are taking to improve your son's behaviour. Ask her if she has any thoughts on what else you could be doing.

You or DH should have been upstairs like a shot the minute you heard it escalating into a meltdown. You know he gets violent and just because she’s 16 doesn’t mean she can be his punching bag or employee de-escalation strategies the way an adult would. She’s still a child. Teens don’t yet have fully developed brains, she did well to ask him to leave politely first and she was responding to a violent physical attack because you weren’t there to protect her. I get that you can’t be everywhere but it shouldn’t be her responsibility to handle these meltdowns. I think you owe her an apology tbh. And get her a lock for her door so she can have a safe space at your home. Also, if finances permit I’d strongly consider some sort of therapy for her as it cannot be easy being attacked by a sibling and seeing your mum and stepdad frequently hurt too.

Take responsibility - she shouldn’t have been put in this place in the first place and was left alone to deal with it - she wasn’t equipped
to calm him down so what exactly did you expect her to do? Just take it

Be honest with her and accept the blame

You know it’s okay to say no to him and enforce it, right? Diagnoses or not, you can say no to someone with ADHD, ADD or ASD. My DH and DD both have ASD and ADHD. Both hear the word no. Nobody hits anyone else. A suspected diagnosis doesn’t mean that you have to do everything that DS wants.

If he has ODD, or these days it’s called PDA, you can read up on different ways of phrasing things to get a better response from him. You don’t need an appointment for that. Google it.

I suspect your DS has learned a valuable lesson. It is a shame it had to happen, but unfortunately you did fail in supervising him if he was able to attack his sister in this fashion.
To fix it you apologise to her, ideally you get your son to apologise (though I doubt you will) and you tell her what you are going to do to protect her from violence in her own home. You do not pressure or guilt trip her, she is a child and he is not her responsibility. Hopefully in time she will fil able to trust you and safe to come home.

This is very hard. It's important that your DD can get away from your DS and has her private space. She needs a lock on her bedroom door.

She did wrong. But he did wrong as well and you didn't stand up for her, just blamed her. It's hard in the moment, you needed to calm him down, and yes she is bigger and older but it's also important for her to hear you acknowledge that his violence towards her is not acceptable and that his ADHD (etc) doesn't excuse it. That she has a right not to be attacked in her own home, that she deserves as much protection as he does. Can you start from that and work back from there?

IMO they both need to apologise.

Am actually wondering if her dad would be happy with her returning to somewhere where dd is being assaulte?

I would get DD a lock for her door and also show her how to remove her brother safely. Pulling him by the hair could really injure him and she is of the age of criminal responsibility.

I think she actually showed restraint, my siblings and I would do worse than this and there’s 15 yrs between the oldest and youngest. It wasn’t the best way to respond no, but you haven’t acknowledged her hurt and that his behaviour isn’t ok, they BOTH need to apologise.

Good on her. Hopefully he won’t do it again and if he does he will deserve that to happen again.

I’m team dd. She defended herself and removed him from the situation so she could be safe, albeit in a way unapproved by you. This shouldn’t have been allowed to happen in the first place. You can put the blame solely on your own shoulders here

Not ideal, but yeah, I’m with DD.

Making her apologise? I’d be telling you to fuck right off.

No! Why should the DD have to change the way she lives in her own home, because of the threat of violence from her half-brother? Especially when he is only going to get bigger and stronger.

This is for the OP to sort out, not the DD.

Unfortunate situation, but I'm not sure she should apologize.
She must have been quite shook up to push back so emphatically.
Not criticising you, but it's your place and not hers to somehow teach him to not be aggressive like this, but of course it's really tough for you. I don't doubt you're doing your best.
If it's a one off, they ll forget about it soon.

I’m not surprised she reacted in this way. I don’t think she should be punished, it sounds like she asked him to leave nicely before he attacked her.

How does your DD get on with the father of your DS? Does he live with you all? If so, his response?

I bet he would have thrown and damaged her iPad if he'd got hold of it. I don't blame her for staying at her Dad's more.

I can completely understand why she reacted the way she did — it sounds like she’s reached her limit. You describe him as both a tall boy, weighing 65 pounds, and a small child, but regardless of that, he’s clearly strong enough to cause harm. Hopefully, this situation becomes a valuable lesson for him — that even with behavioural challenges, it’s never okay to resort to violence. An apology to his sister would go a long way in helping to mend things. It’s sad to think she might feel safer spending more time at her father’s home, but it’s understandable that she’d want to be somewhere her belongings and personal space feel protected.