DD (16) physically retaliated in a fight with DS (6). I don’t know what to do.

[CandidPearlWasp]

Hi everyone. I’m having a very tough time with my children and hoping for some advice.

My DD is 16, and my son (her half brother) is 6. DD splits her time 50/50 between our house and my ex husband’s house.

Recently my son has been having behavioural challenges. Our physician suspects he has ODD and ADHD, and we are awaiting therapy and services for him. In the meantime, he has explosive and sometimes violent meltdowns and everyday tasks are a battle when he’s not getting his way. He has hit, punched, pulled hair, bit, etc. all of us and it’s been awful, but we can usually deescalate the situation, but since he’s a tall boy and weighs 65lbs it does hurt.

Two weeks ago my DD was in her bedroom watching something on her iPad, which her father bought for her. We do not have one for my son, so he’s been very intrigued by it and she’s let him use it before. This time, he went in and said he wanted to play on it. She said no. He started to have a verbal meltdown and she said “I said no, get out of my room please”. This escalated into him climbing onto her bed, hitting her in the face and pulling her hair. She then grabbed him by the hair, got off the bed by standing up while holding his hair and dragged him out of her room and across the hall by the hair. He was screaming in pain and fear and she threw him into his room, said “that doesn’t feel good, does it?” and slammed the door.

I was outside as this happened and alerted by the nanny cam we have downstairs. I rushed in and ran into my 6 year old’s room to calm him down, as he was wailing. My 16 year old came in and got angry with me saying it’s all always about him, even though he was “a little psycho who attacked her”. I told her that I understood it’s not okay he attacked her, but he’s a small child and what she did wasn’t okay. She left for her father’s that night and hasn’t been back, is barely speaking to me and won’t speak to or apologize to her brother. She’s made it clear to me she thinks she did nothing wrong.

I’m at a loss - about how to handle my son, how to reconnect with my daughter and how to move forward as a family.

You think anything would happen to her if this got reported? The only thing that would happen is a referral to ss for the ops failure to keep either children safe

Honestly I don’t think she was in the wrong or should be made to apologise.
She’s being regularly assaulted and gave him a taste of his own medicine. I doubt he’ll hurt her again.

She dragged a 6 year old child a considerable distance by his hair.

If a man did that to a 6 year old would you call it self defense?

You sound like you’re too soft on him
and too harsh on her. How has a 6 year old learned to get this violent when he doesn’t get what he wants? It’s not acceptable to just be like oh my son has “violent meltdowns and everyday tasks are a battle when he’s not getting his way. He has hit, punched, pulled hair, bit” people - what are you actually doing about it? If he’s attacking people, he needs to be seriously reprimanded, not pandered to. He’s going to be worse the older he gets. Where this kind of behaviour will see him seriously hurt someone/end up in police trouble

The only blessing when my youngest child was being very violent and aggressive (from 9yrs old) towards me and his dad was that his older sibling ( 12 yr age gap) had already left home before the bad behaviour began so that they weren’t subject to the barrage of things being thrown, extremely bad language and physical threats and also attacks. My DH and I as adults struggled at times not to retaliate to extreme provocation, we had to tag team at the most challenging times so that if one of us was overwhelmed then the other could take over. I wouldn’t assume that your son will learn anything from your DD retaliating and modify his behaviour towards her in the future. One of the most frustrating things about severe ADHD and ODD is that they don’t learn from consequences and in the next flashpoint situation are not able to rationalise that if I hit someone they are likely to hit me back. That’s not to say it’s pointless applying consequences such as withdrawal of privileges just that they are not a magic answer for these kids. You have to find a way to manage this better otherwise your DD will ask to live with her dad 100% (if that is an option)
Edited to add this bit
Anyone who says your DS just needs telling off, stiffer punishments or having TV watching stopped from now til Christmas has no real idea about ADHD

When we are angry we are not using the whole of our brain, it changes into a very primal version of ourselves. It is very difficult for adults to master emotional control when provoked. I speak from experience of managing this kind of sibling behaviour. It might be wise to offer a lock for her bedroom door, where you have the key and so does she and you can both open it when closed. If it happens again she will feel she has better control mechanisms to remove her step brother from her space without becoming angry.

What she did wasn't ideal, but completely understandable.

It's good for children, even ones with additional needs, to understand how the world works. If you barge into someone else's space and punch them in the face they're going to lash out. Your son had a good learning experience without sustaining any injuries. It could have been far worse.

If she's been putting up with this for years and has only just snapped then you need to reach out to her, thank her for her patience, apologise for your inability to keep her safe in her own home and to promise to do better going forward.

What did you say to your son about this? Did you explain to him that it was entirely due to his own actions and behaviour that he ended up in this situation?

It wasn’t a man. It was a 16 year old girl who had been attacked by him multiple times before. Don’t make things up

Bet he's learned not to hit her again though. Sometimes the hard way is the only way with children.
I feel for both your children.

I read this and thought good for her. So just because he has some SN he gets a free pass? I see most posters agree.
Shes been hit before and he clearly gets his way , she’s entitled to have a breaking point as well.
Will he try that on her again? No. Will he try this at school? Probably not as he knows someone might do this.

what is your solution here op? To be abused and keep quiet just because he has some needs?

Don’t blame her for not coming back.

This is a child with a disability.

He doesn't deserve to be dragged across the house by his hair. The meltdown should have been intercepted by you but you can't catch every one and you should be able to trust a 16 year old isn't going to behave in such a way to a far smaller child. Id be pretty worried about the violence of her reaction to be honest. It was way, way over the top.

Your dd deserves to have a safe space away from her brother. This is your fault, ultimately, because your son should be supervised but we aren't perfect.

If your 16 old can't see that what she did was very very wrong then maybe it's for the best that she stays with her dad.

Op, you should keep your daughter safe. She cannot be expected to take blows from your son. You cannot allow your son to get away with such terrible behaviour. How is he ever going to function in society? Your son is also overweight and you need to do something about that too, especially as he throws his weight around.

Sorry double post.

I think, to a reasonable degree, your eldest has a right to defend herself. She took him out of her room, she didn't beat him to a pulp. Yes, it could probably have been done more gently, but if you attack other dc then they will fight back.

Ultimately, I think the issue is yours I'm afraid. You need to supervise your youngest more closely so your eldest isn't in a situation to be hurt or have to defend herself. He definitely shouldn't be in her room, it actually sounds like he needs to be downstairs with you so you can monitor his actions.

I think it is your ds who needs to apologise! Your dd is the victim!

Your poor daughter. You need to apologise to her.

Yes she shouldn't have lost her temper but she's also a child, and one who you are effectively expecting to put up with being physically abused.

I'm sure there are some practical things that might help eg being able to lock her door when she wants. But this is really on you- it's not fair to expect her to just accept being your son's punchbag. If you can't/won't provide a safe home for her, she may need to stay with her father and visit.

This. Any consequences for the boy?

65lbs = 4st 9lb = 29.5kg. So, a pretty big six year old, repeatedly assaulting another child, who is not being protected by her parent. This is not okay.

I appreciate this is a very difficult situation to navigate, but if you can't or won't keep your daughter safe, she's going to take matters into her own hands. I'm not surprised she feels let down. If anyone else came into her room and hit her in the face would you expect her to be okay with it?

Keeping both children safe is important, find a way to do so. Start with an apology to your daughter.

Wait until he tries it with some older boys @CandidPearlWasp your solution is not working and your DD overreacted but your son started the aggression.

We have an excellent child psychologist here in Ireland who very strongly advocates that children should be allowed to physically defend themselves if they are physically threatened by another child.

While your situation is somewhat affected by the age disparity, yours son’s level of aggression really countered that.

He got what he deserved considering the level of aggression he employed from what was another child.

You are doing him absolutely no favours protecting him from the consequences of his aggression.

You're going to need a strategy for managing the iPad as well, and find so,mething works for DD. Children vary but DS might not be capable of managing a refusal without lashing out and if that's so then making DD responsible for saying yes or no to DS is putting her at risk.

I suspect DD is heartily sick of being physically attacked in her own home and this was the straw that broke the camel’s back. She shouldn’t be made to apologise.

She may also decide to live with her Dad full time if it means not being subjected to violence.

She's a child herself, though. Her brain isn't a fully formed adult brain yet. I imagine she has no idea how to cope with being regularly assaulted in her home.

She's not a man tho.

She was provoked once too often and absent any parenting of the younger child gave him tit fot tat. I bet he's stayed out of her way.

Get her al lock for her door and step up and protect her from your DS. And you parent him properly.

Your dd should have a lock for her door to prevent this behaviour. She went a little over the top but severely provoked. Brother should be apologising first. And although not ideal perhaps he has learned something.

your dd has been assaulted more than once and finally fought back in a minor way. It never should have gotten to this point.

since you know your son is violent, you should have been supervising him when he is interacting with his sister. She should not have been left alone to deal with this situation. The second your son moving to invade her personal space, you should be there to intervene.

If you want your dd back in your life you need to apologize. You set up new systems so that she is never put in this position again. Her life should not be constrained. The burden should be purely on the parents.