DD (16) physically retaliated in a fight with DS (6). I don’t know what to do.

[CandidPearlWasp]

Hi everyone. I’m having a very tough time with my children and hoping for some advice.

My DD is 16, and my son (her half brother) is 6. DD splits her time 50/50 between our house and my ex husband’s house.

Recently my son has been having behavioural challenges. Our physician suspects he has ODD and ADHD, and we are awaiting therapy and services for him. In the meantime, he has explosive and sometimes violent meltdowns and everyday tasks are a battle when he’s not getting his way. He has hit, punched, pulled hair, bit, etc. all of us and it’s been awful, but we can usually deescalate the situation, but since he’s a tall boy and weighs 65lbs it does hurt.

Two weeks ago my DD was in her bedroom watching something on her iPad, which her father bought for her. We do not have one for my son, so he’s been very intrigued by it and she’s let him use it before. This time, he went in and said he wanted to play on it. She said no. He started to have a verbal meltdown and she said “I said no, get out of my room please”. This escalated into him climbing onto her bed, hitting her in the face and pulling her hair. She then grabbed him by the hair, got off the bed by standing up while holding his hair and dragged him out of her room and across the hall by the hair. He was screaming in pain and fear and she threw him into his room, said “that doesn’t feel good, does it?” and slammed the door.

I was outside as this happened and alerted by the nanny cam we have downstairs. I rushed in and ran into my 6 year old’s room to calm him down, as he was wailing. My 16 year old came in and got angry with me saying it’s all always about him, even though he was “a little psycho who attacked her”. I told her that I understood it’s not okay he attacked her, but he’s a small child and what she did wasn’t okay. She left for her father’s that night and hasn’t been back, is barely speaking to me and won’t speak to or apologize to her brother. She’s made it clear to me she thinks she did nothing wrong.

I’m at a loss - about how to handle my son, how to reconnect with my daughter and how to move forward as a family.

She’s not a man though is she so that is an irrelevant question

She’s had enough. She’s 16 and can’t be expected to be as tolerant as you. It appears you’ve no sympathy with her. She’s seen that and decided she no longer wants to be a punch bag. I think she’s done the right thing by taking herself out of the home. You are the adult and need to apologise and respect her wishes

While she’s not there you can concentrate on your son and try to control his rages and inappropriate behaviour with whatever support you can get

No-one has said dragging a 6 year old by the hair is OK.

Lots of people have said she should never have been put in the position of being expected to tolerate being repeatedly attacked. If the OP isn't willing to keep her safe and take account of her feelings, then better she keeps away.

The OP has posted that they have all been attacked before, and from that it is easy to see that the child will attack others again if everything remains the same.

You minimising the child's behaviour doesn't inspire confidence in your posts either.

The Daughter has taken steps to prevent being attacked from happening again.
This may cost the OP her daughter but at least the daughter will be safe.

If, as you seem to believe, that the Daughter is the issue, then you should also be happy with how the situation has been resolved.

The 6 year went into his sister's bedroom and demanded to use her ipad (hers, not a shared one). He then hit his sister in the face and pulled her hair when she said no. That is rather more than a sibling squabble.

The 16 year deserves to be safe in her own room.

Exactly, but more precisely, she should be safe everywhere.
The way op stated 'well we usually get to them and stop his assaults in about a minute' shows how it's become the norm for this violence to happen, and that the first thing op did, knowing this was to run and comfort the tantruming child, (which In all honesty the wailing sounds more like about not getting his own way) rather than the child who regularly gets assaulted and was silent, and making sure she wasn't badly harmed? That speaks volumes.

Well done your daughter! Bravo!

There were brilliant bits in the Diary of a Wimpy Kid, where an evil 3-year old is doing evil things deliberately, enjoying it so much and getting away with it, by saying 'I am only the-wee....' Flippant, but they show how evil grows - by condoning it, allowing it.