DD (16) physically retaliated in a fight with DS (6). I don’t know what to do.

[CandidPearlWasp]

Hi everyone. I’m having a very tough time with my children and hoping for some advice.

My DD is 16, and my son (her half brother) is 6. DD splits her time 50/50 between our house and my ex husband’s house.

Recently my son has been having behavioural challenges. Our physician suspects he has ODD and ADHD, and we are awaiting therapy and services for him. In the meantime, he has explosive and sometimes violent meltdowns and everyday tasks are a battle when he’s not getting his way. He has hit, punched, pulled hair, bit, etc. all of us and it’s been awful, but we can usually deescalate the situation, but since he’s a tall boy and weighs 65lbs it does hurt.

Two weeks ago my DD was in her bedroom watching something on her iPad, which her father bought for her. We do not have one for my son, so he’s been very intrigued by it and she’s let him use it before. This time, he went in and said he wanted to play on it. She said no. He started to have a verbal meltdown and she said “I said no, get out of my room please”. This escalated into him climbing onto her bed, hitting her in the face and pulling her hair. She then grabbed him by the hair, got off the bed by standing up while holding his hair and dragged him out of her room and across the hall by the hair. He was screaming in pain and fear and she threw him into his room, said “that doesn’t feel good, does it?” and slammed the door.

I was outside as this happened and alerted by the nanny cam we have downstairs. I rushed in and ran into my 6 year old’s room to calm him down, as he was wailing. My 16 year old came in and got angry with me saying it’s all always about him, even though he was “a little psycho who attacked her”. I told her that I understood it’s not okay he attacked her, but he’s a small child and what she did wasn’t okay. She left for her father’s that night and hasn’t been back, is barely speaking to me and won’t speak to or apologize to her brother. She’s made it clear to me she thinks she did nothing wrong.

I’m at a loss - about how to handle my son, how to reconnect with my daughter and how to move forward as a family.

The fact you are expecting her to apologize to
him supports her accusation that it is all about him at her expense. She may be better off staying at her fathers place while you focus on your son and hopefully you can rebuild the relationship with her while she stays with her dad.

They are both wrong and should both be told that this is the case. Your son should not have attacked his sister and she should not have retaliated in the way that she did. But personally - between siblings this behaviour is not unusual but neither should it continue. Talk to them both.

You say it was 2 weeks ago. has he attacked her since?
I would call it natural justice.
he should be banned from her room.

Of course this is Mumsnet, so it's not apparently possible to think past a simplistic "team dd!" mentality.

It's possible to think that the meltdown from the 6yo should have been intercepted by the op and that the dd shouldn't be put in that position AND also that is not ok for a 16 year old to behave in such an over the top aggressive manner to a much smaller child.

There used to be people around on Mumsnet who you could discuss things with who could hold at least two ideas at once but apparently not any more.

I agree with you. She showed a human instinctive response ratherthan a rational adult one.

She doesn't need strategies. She's not his parent. You don't leave a baby or young toddler alone unsupervised ever, because they have no impulse control and could endanger themselves or someone else. OP's son needs the same level of supervision. If she's cooking or cleaning, he needs to be playing where she can see him. If she goes to the toilet she needs to make sure he's in a safe place, let DD know he's unattended for minute, and come straight back to him.

She shouldn't be out of earshot for the time this situation took to play out.

I think it’s good to teach males at an early age that violence towards women is never acceptable and has consequences.

If you had been actively parenting your son, he wouldn’t have been anywhere near your DD’s bedroom, or her.

i know it’s difficult to have eyes everywhere all the time, but if I was her, I’d probably want to live where I wasn’t attacked too.

So because he's got a diagnosis she was meant to just sit there and take him attacking her?

Exactly. If the sexes were reversed, everyone would be baying for the DS's blood.

He pulled her hair. It is hard for anyone to remain rational whilst under that kind of pain.

I suspect this was the last straw for your daughter. I recommend you apologise and lovingly discuss the impact of her brother on her or you are at risk of losing her. When was the last time you truly listened to her?

This is tough for you all. But you need to care for both your children.

The childish comment was in response to the #teamdd used by the poster i was replying to. It's a far more nuanced situation than simply taking one side or the other.

Good for her! IMO her reaction was proportionate and reasonable.

Actions have consequences and he's old enough to learn this.

I'm just glad for your daughter that she has another household to go to where she won't be physically assaulted when minding her own business in her own bedroom.
You should be apologising to her.

This. I don’t blame her.

I wouldn't, but you must know that the strength and size differential between a 6 yo boy and 16 yo girl is different to a 6 yo girl and 16 yo boy. Added to which it almost never is girls that go around terrorising their siblings and families whilst being indulged by their mothers. The vast majority of the time it's a boy who is going to grow into an entitled man.

This. I totally get your daughter. Team daughter - sorry

I don’t think she has done anything wrong. He needs to learn

The message you are sending to your daughter is if someone attacks her she should be a good little punch bag and take it

It is not ok for your son to hit and abuse his sister. Are you going to be giving him a pass when he is 17 and starts hitting you or a girlfriend? You need to stamp this out now - maybe being on the receiving end will make him think twice

This is yours and DH's fault, OP, not your DD's. Your DD should never have been put in the position where she is attacked by her brother in her own room, who you already know is violent and has attacked you all on multiple occasions previously. I'm not surprised things have escalated to the point where your DD retaliated. Your DS should have been adequately supervised or you should have been nearby to intervene when your DS started attacking her. Both of your kids are victims here as your DS to some extent can't help his meltdowns. Making your DD apologise when she was attacked first is out of order. It might be better for them to be separated for the time being while you get some intense support to manage your DS's behaviour, so it is probably for the best that your DD is staying at her dad's where she will be safe.

I agree that she was sort of justified in reacting and that your DS needs to apologise, if anything. She said no to him, asked him to leave and was then physically assaulted and, in your own words, his violence hurts.

Hopefully he has learned a lesson.

The fact you've not responded yet suggests that you don't take criticism of you or your DS well.

She is better off with her dad if you cannot protect her from violence in the first place, let alone apologise when it happens.

She left for her father’s that night and hasn’t been back, is barely speaking to me and won’t speak to or apologize to her brother.

DD not been back - and is barely speaking to her Mum.

The OP wants to reconnect with her - and that's only likely if she listens and acknowledges the DD is done with her brother's behavior impacting on her.

Yes there were proably better way for the 16 to handle that last incident - but frankly it's beyond that the DD is done - barely talking to her Mum - with her Dad full time in another house.

Op holding out for DD to talk apolgise to her brother when she's refusing to even talk to him she risks the relationship TBH especially if the ex is happy for his DD to be there 100% of the time.

I feel sorry for her. Maybe she won’t come home.

Yes, I'm aware of the difference, but the fact remains that virtually any 16 year old female can easily overpower, and do serious damage to, a 6 year old child.

Sorry, but I really understand your dd. And your response to her was unfair. Yes he’s younger, but he’s physically attacked her and invaded her space. Clearly you didn’t deal with it, or don’t have a set rule what to do (like come get a parent and we will promptly deal with him appropriately), or she wouldn’t have needed to take matters into her own hands.
of course her response was inappropriate, we don’t need to discuss it. But I really understand her. And she got the blame from you! Were there any repercussions for ds?

Your poor daughter. Regardless of he has some sort of undiagnosed condition, your daughter should not be on the receiving end of violence from him.

They are both your children and you have a duty of care to protect them both. It sounds like you are more concerned about one’s welfare than the other.

It’s very difficult being the “well child”, always expected just to get on with it. I lived my whole childhood that way. And that can be just as damaging and scarring.