Page 27 | DD (16) physically retaliated in a fight with DS (6). I don’t know what to do.

CandidPearlWasp · 2025-10-08T13:17:02+00:00

Hi everyone. I’m having a very tough time with my children and hoping for some advice. My DD is 16, and my son (her half brother) is 6. DD splits her time 50/50 between our house and my ex husband’s house. Recently my son has been having behavioural challenges. Our physician suspects he has ODD and ADHD, and we are awaiting therapy and services for him. In the meantime, he has explosive and sometimes violent meltdowns and everyday tasks are a battle when he’s not getting his way. He has hit, punched, pulled hair, bit, etc. all of us and it’s been awful, but we can usually deescalate the situation, but since he’s a tall boy and weighs 65lbs it does hurt. Two weeks ago my DD was in her bedroom watching something on her iPad, which her father bought for her. We do not have one for my son, so he’s been very intrigued by it and she’s let him use it before. This time, he went in and said he wanted to play on it. She said no. He started to have a verbal meltdown and she said “I said no, get out of my room please”. This escalated into him climbing onto her bed, hitting her in the face and pulling her hair. She then grabbed him by the hair, got off the bed by standing up while holding his hair and dragged him out of her room and across the hall by the hair. He was screaming in pain and fear and she threw him into his room, said “that doesn’t feel good, does it?” and slammed the door. I was outside as this happened and alerted by the nanny cam we have downstairs. I rushed in and ran into my 6 year old’s room to calm him down, as he was wailing. My 16 year old came in and got angry with me saying it’s all always about him, even though he was “a little psycho who attacked her”. I told her that I understood it’s not okay he attacked her, but he’s a small child and what she did wasn’t okay. She left for her father’s that night and hasn’t been back, is barely speaking to me and won’t speak to or apologize to her brother. She’s made it clear to me she thinks she did nothing wrong. I’m at a loss - about how to handle my son, how to reconnect with my daughter and how to move forward as a family.

CrazyGoatLady · 10/10/2025 11:08

@TwinklyStork - I was trying to be a bit charitable towards the OP and assume she is right that DS may have SEN, it sounds like he's on a waiting list and having worked in CAMHS myself, things have to be pretty bad to even get on that list.

Nonetheless, we don't know - and there's a possibility you may be right too. SEN or not, both of these children need protection and safety and OP needs to step up and realise she is the adult and the parent.

ETA - despite having compassion for the challenges of SEN parenting (have two ND DC myself) and having worked in the field, I never would advocate that the entire family must revolve around the needs of one child, or that SEN means no boundaries.

TwinklyStork · 10/10/2025 11:11

CrazyGoatLady · 10/10/2025 11:08

@TwinklyStork - I was trying to be a bit charitable towards the OP and assume she is right that DS may have SEN, it sounds like he's on a waiting list and having worked in CAMHS myself, things have to be pretty bad to even get on that list.

Nonetheless, we don't know - and there's a possibility you may be right too. SEN or not, both of these children need protection and safety and OP needs to step up and realise she is the adult and the parent.

ETA - despite having compassion for the challenges of SEN parenting (have two ND DC myself) and having worked in the field, I never would advocate that the entire family must revolve around the needs of one child, or that SEN means no boundaries.

Edited

Although she hasn't confirmed, it’s fairly obvious that she’s not in the UK, so CAHMS and the criteria for waiting lists doesn’t apply. She sounds like someone with poor parenting skills trying to use SEN as a cop out.

NewEnglandWeekend · 10/10/2025 11:25

I think you should feel proud of raising your daughter to stand up for herself.

CrazyGoatLady · 10/10/2025 11:37

@TwinklyStork- I didn't really pick up that she wasn't in the UK, I wondered with the mixed terminology maybe from somewhere else but living here. Maybe missed something there. Either of us could well be right, difficult to say when there's no diagnosis. Either way, I hope OP catches on, as things need to change for the sake of everyone. Violence, whatever the cause, gets much harder to manage and contain the older they get and the consequences will get harder too.

TwinklyStork · 10/10/2025 12:09

CrazyGoatLady · 10/10/2025 11:37

@TwinklyStork- I didn't really pick up that she wasn't in the UK, I wondered with the mixed terminology maybe from somewhere else but living here. Maybe missed something there. Either of us could well be right, difficult to say when there's no diagnosis. Either way, I hope OP catches on, as things need to change for the sake of everyone. Violence, whatever the cause, gets much harder to manage and contain the older they get and the consequences will get harder too.

I assumed she was in the US from her use of “physician” and “apologize”; I presume if she was living in the UK she’d refer to the doctor as a GP or just a doctor because we don’t call them physicians here. But yes, I agree with you: if she doesn’t change her behaviour now in order to arrest his, imagine what he’ll be like at 14 or 15 when he’s bigger and taller. And it is down to her and her lack of consequences; this is clearly a child who has never been told “no” and is comforted when he behaves so appallingly instead of disciplined. Shocking, really.

Flossflower · 10/10/2025 12:51

TwinklyStork · 10/10/2025 12:09

I assumed she was in the US from her use of “physician” and “apologize”; I presume if she was living in the UK she’d refer to the doctor as a GP or just a doctor because we don’t call them physicians here. But yes, I agree with you: if she doesn’t change her behaviour now in order to arrest his, imagine what he’ll be like at 14 or 15 when he’s bigger and taller. And it is down to her and her lack of consequences; this is clearly a child who has never been told “no” and is comforted when he behaves so appallingly instead of disciplined. Shocking, really.

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I also assumed US, as weight was given in pounds, not stones and pounds.

pizzaHeart · 10/10/2025 15:04

RawBloomers · 09/10/2025 15:16

OP parenting a child like your DS is incredibly tough. I appreciate you feel lost and that you are not getting the support you need.

However, it does sound like you’ve allowed him to dominate the household, and ignored the impact on your DD. You’ve allowed it to go on for some time without providing DD with the support she needs to deal with a brother with DS’s issues or, most probably, to deal with being a teenager on the cusp of adulthood in a stressful and competitive world. It’s been going on for years, and it’s only now that she’s finally cracked that you are even beginning to acknowledge that what DD’s been going through is inappropriate. Even so, you don’t seem to have a plan for stopping it happening again.

Be honest with yourself here - would it actually be in her best interests to split her time between your and her dad’s house, or is her dad’s house a far more suitable environment for her? As PPs said, all your focus here is the impact on you and your DS, you really haven’t shown any concern for or insight into what would be best for her.

You can’t expect to fix this overnight. It may well take months and months to fix just your relationship with her. She feels massively betrayed by your focus on her brother at her expense. She isn’t seeing your struggle in that, but she isn’t wrong that you’ve let her down. And now your focus doesn’t seem to be about rebuilding that trust and making her feel loved and valued by you, but in getting her to drop her defences, go back to how things were, and stop demanding you prioritise her. Stop talking with her about what you want her to do. Just try and be supportive of her. Fix your relationship with her before you consider trying to see if coming back to stay at yours and see her DB again is on the cards.

And if she does end up at her dad’s permanently, for God’s sake don’t let that make you deprioritize her even further. She must be feeling so abandoned by you right now - which is hugely damaging for a child. Make sure you make time to take her out every week and talk about her, to text/call her every day to say good morning/good night and tell her that you love her, to stay involved in school, hobbies, and future plans.

Edited

This ^
and in the nicest possible way you are the adult here so you are responsible. The weight of your daughter is not important. She is your child as well and she deserves your attention and understanding.
Im sure she has a point about your household revolving about DS. I have a child with additional needs and it tends to be the case (no siblings in our case so it’s not so bad).
Your fault was that you haven’t recognised how unhappy your daughter was and how this situation affected her clearly for quite a while.

FrippEnos · 10/10/2025 19:16

TheRealMagic · 10/10/2025 09:06

Assault is a legal category. A six year old can't assault anyone; a 16 year old can. As I've said upthread, I think his behaviour was appalling but hers was literally criminal and, unlike most posters, I actually do think that's really quite a significant difference, that there is no 'turnaround is fair play' if someone the size of an adult uses anything other than completely necessary and proportionate restraining force against a young child.

I feel a lot of sympathy for the DD (I also, again unlike most posters, feel a lot for OP) but I do think her behaviour was completely wrong in a way that apparently few others do. I actually think people would feel very differently if they - as OP has, via camera - had seen the reality of what a 16 year old attacking a 6 year old (yes, even one who's big for their age) would look like, and how very far from self defence it would be.

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The definition of assault

Noun to make a physically attack on
verb to physically attack

We are both right in our definitions.

The DS physically attacked the DD for saying "no" to him.

As to whether what the DD did would be considered assault would depend on what the authorities believe to be reasonable in the circumstances. But I suspect that if it went that far the OP would defend her DS to the hilt.

It would be much better if the OP managed to sort out this behaviour before the DS gets to the age of criminal responsibility (if UK 10) if as some surmise that the OP is in the USA it would depend on which state and many do not have a lower age of criminal responsibility whilst federally is is 11yrs old.

NellieElephantine · 10/10/2025 19:52

This thread makes me so sad to see the violence apologists, who seem to be gleefully encouraging police involvement against the daughter.. who apparently at 16 is an ADULT!! Who should be completely accepting of her brothers violence and be reassuring and calming him while he punches her in the face.
Although given.op herself has been very 'meh, we usually step in if he's been assaulting her for over a minute, and check he's OK and not hurt from punching her face'..

anyolddinosaur · 11/10/2025 11:51

OP get your son to write a letter to his siter telling her how really sorry he is. Then spend some time with your daughter away from your son.

If you ever get more of a handle on your son's behaviour then maybe she'll see him again - outside the home where she can move away when he misbehaves. Later you could ask about arranging something for them both away from home where he can apologise but at the moment that would just look like further prioritising him over her.

moanamovie · 11/10/2025 11:59

She is a child too, yes she is the maturer one but give her some slack, he invaded her space and assaulted her. Whether or not he has reasons or excuses for this, it’s what’s happened and she reacted.
She needs you to be compassionate, to explain that she did wrong and she needs to apologise, but so does he. He’s not a toddler, he should know it’s not okay to lash out, and as others have said, hopefully this will be a wake up call for him.
ODD is such a contentious one, because how much of it can you attribute to this? Everything gets the excuse? Where is the line? It’s so hard, but ultimately, he has to learn, and better it be his sister than someone older at school who may not be as lenient!

bumbaloo · 11/10/2025 12:04

NellieElephantine · 10/10/2025 19:52

This thread makes me so sad to see the violence apologists, who seem to be gleefully encouraging police involvement against the daughter.. who apparently at 16 is an ADULT!! Who should be completely accepting of her brothers violence and be reassuring and calming him while he punches her in the face.
Although given.op herself has been very 'meh, we usually step in if he's been assaulting her for over a minute, and check he's OK and not hurt from punching her face'..

She shouldn’t have to accept it no. But she also shouldn’t be violently dragging a small child by the hair access the house. It’s about inappropriate levels of retaliation.

if someone slaps you you can’t shoot them further example (unless you are in America 😑)

as a 16 year old she should have some degree of emotional regulation and impulse control a small child doesn’t have.

so it is her responsibility to not resort to responding with that level of violence.

she cloud have pushed him out of her door and locked it. Stood up and shouted loudly and frog marched him out.

but dragging by the hair was totally unacceptable.

has it been a 16 year old boy dragging out his young sister by the hair and throwing her onto her bed would you say the same?

bumbaloo · 11/10/2025 12:05

NewEnglandWeekend · 10/10/2025 11:25

I think you should feel proud of raising your daughter to stand up for herself.

If a 16 year old son responded to his young sister by yanking her and dragging her by her hair across the hall to her room and threw her in the bed by her hair would you be celebrating too?

BruisedNeckMeat · 11/10/2025 12:15

bumbaloo · 11/10/2025 12:05

If a 16 year old son responded to his young sister by yanking her and dragging her by her hair across the hall to her room and threw her in the bed by her hair would you be celebrating too?

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A 16 year old boy is likely to weigh more than 105lbs and be in a position where he would be able to pick the violent child up and remove them. A tiny teen girl cannot do this.

Should the girl simply sit and take the beating or use whatever means she can to stop it?

TwinklyStork · 11/10/2025 12:18

This woman is clearly American. Just wait until this kid is in his teens and knows where the family’s guns are kept. I wonder how long his mother will be his apologist then?

Baital · 11/10/2025 12:25

Your DD has the right to feel safe in her home. If you can't keep her safe then it is probably best if she stays with the parent who can keep her safe.

knockyknees · 11/10/2025 13:23

Good on your DD.

If I was in her shoes, there's no way in hell I'd be coming back to live with you, ever. And if I was her father, there's no way I'd be letting her go back to your house anyway. She's a victim of domestic violence and needs to be as far away from that as possible.

Pleasealexa · 11/10/2025 13:59

is barely speaking to me and won’t speak to or apologize to her brother

This was in your initial post. Did you demand she apologise first?

Lotsnlotsoflove · 12/10/2025 22:26

HGSurvivor1 · 09/10/2025 13:57

Do you think there is some truth in this, OP, re her having to cater to him to avoid meltdowns? If so you will have to accept this criticism and do some significant work to regain your daughter's trust and to ensure she feels safe in your home again.

I really feel for you. Lots of PPs have implied or stated outright that your son had it coming and will learn his lesson this way but that advice just isn't true for neurodivergent kids. When he's in meltdown the part of his brain that deals with logic, reason and consequences isn't accessible. He will regret these outbursts, as he regrets hitting your daughter now, but that is no guarantee it won't happen again, because the wiring of his brain doesn't permit for a simple, logical linking of action and consequence. He will get better at this with medication, therapy and support for his ODD and ADHD but it won't be overnight.

And in the meantime it's very hard for your daughter, who is too young to be responsible for managing your son's behaviour and shouldn't have to live in fear of setting him off. I think some time staying at her dad's might benefit her - but do try and spend lots of good quality time with her away from your house while you rebuild trust. Let her know what changes you have made and will make to ensure her safety and to give her feelings and well-being equal priority in your home and let her know the door is always open for her return. Don't push her but keep channels open.

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I’m sorry but there is not a mammalian species alive for whom ‘painful consequences’ do not result in changed behaviour. Otherwise they would not survive. I am not saying it is good to batter a SEN (or any) child, but you will find if you do they do not direct their behaviour to continue to act violently towards you (of course there may be other negative redirections, but they will avoid getting hurt again). The fact is, if he continues to violently meltdown, eventually (when he is 6ft and 12 stone, if not way before) OP will not be able to cope and he will be put in residential care or worse. I would be surprised if he hits his sister again. OP needs to find strategies for changing her DS’s behaviour now.

Fibonacci2 · 14/10/2025 22:20

I was perhaps too harsh in my first response as it got taken down. SEN is an explanation not an excuse. I knew that if I was unable to keep my other child safe from their SEN sibling then they would have to be removed. That was not an option, if during times of upset I had to shadow them 24/7 so be it. I was extremely clear about any use of violence and the consequences. I did not want a 6ft teenager who felt they could abuse me or their siblings as they would end up in an institution which would be the worse thing in the world for them.

If your adult son attacks a woman because you haven’t taught him the correct behaviour (I know how much harder it is and it’s incredibly difficult and intensive) he will not end up in a good place.

You need to apologise to your daughter for not protecting her. It sounds like this was the straw that broke the camels back. How many times have you allowed you son to attack her without consequence? She’s a child who reacted badly, and I would be upset at any of mine behaving this way towards their sibling but equally I have never allowed resentment to build.

NewGirlInTown · 14/10/2025 22:35

I’m Team DD. I would have done the same. Maybe this will teach him a lesson that he doesn’t get to use physical violence without retaliation.
At six he’s old enough to be taught this.

CrushingOnRubies · 15/10/2025 19:11

Don’t blame your DD for staying at her dad’s. She was assaulted in her bedroom her sanctuary then you take your DS side. She shouldn’t have done what she did but it was heat of the moment

Zodiacrobat · 15/10/2025 22:00

I very much doubt OP will come back again now as she’s not replied to several questions.

DurinsBane · 15/10/2025 23:46

CandidPearlWasp · 09/10/2025 13:23

I appreciate your responses and have read them all. To clarify, my DD is about 105lb so she’s much larger than him. While I know it’s not okay that he’s hurt her before, this is the first time that DH and I haven’t been around to step in within a minute and the first time she’s retaliated like this at all.

I tended to him first because I got upstairs and one child was wailing while the other was quiet in her room. It was only once I started tending to him that she got verbally angry with me and him. I understand that from her perspective that when he gets physical and we focus on him it looks like the aggressor is getting the attention and care, but I truly don’t know how to handle it otherwise and will look into some training on that.

My DD is truly furious with me and my DH and my DS. When I tried to talk to her she said the entire house revolves around him, we expect her to give in to his every whim so he doesn’t have meltdowns and she said she’s not interested in coming back to our house or seeing our DS again, no matter what physical changes (ie locks) or household changes (supervision, therapy, etc.) we implement. Our DS keeps asking about her, wanting to apologize and crying that she won’t speak to him.

again, I appreciate the thoughts from everyone.

How are things now?

Fibonacci2 · 16/10/2025 01:33

But you are still making it about him…..he wants to apologise but can’t . Honestly, this didn’t come out of no where. I think you have created this divide, yes my children get frustrated with their ND sibling. Does it stop us having adventures, never. Just a bit more planned. They have their moments of frustration but would also fight to the end for him.

To put it bluntly, you did this. Putting one against the other ….., we could do this if only…. Be honest. and state - your sister doesn’t feel safe around you due to your violence, when we can get control of that you can see your sister.