Lady yelled at my son, I feel like the worst mom in the world

[YourBoldCoralDog]

Hi everyone.

As background, my dad has been in the hospital for a month. He’s improving but slowly, and I go every day since my mom isn’t up to being able to follow what the doctors are saying. On Friday he was having a hard day, and my son (5) came with me because he was off school. My husband’s job has also been doing layoffs recently and there was going to be another round that day.

We left the hospital at 1pm - both of us were hungry and my son was restless. We went to a place right by the hospital since the hospital cafeteria area was very busy. Soon after we sat down, my husband called with the news he’s not being laid off but his hours are being cut and was trying to explain it to me. As I was talking to him, but son was up from his chair and playing around the table. By the time I got off the phone, he was running around.

I know this was a total mom fail, and I should’ve intercepted him sooner. But by the time I got up to do so, he’d tripped and knocked a woman’s pasta into her lap. She was probably 25ish, alone and having a glass of wine with lunch while she was reading. My son started crying immediately, and she exploded at him - her immediate reaction to it was to say “what the fuck”. When he started to cry she told him to get away from her and to go sit down like he should have been in the first place; he just stood there frozen and she said he was a brat who was acting like an animal. I rushed over and said I was so sorry but I didn’t appreciate her cussing at and insulting my son, and she said she didn’t appreciate having her lunch dumped in her lap because I’m “too lazy to watch my kid”, and she said something like she wouldn’t have had to say a word to him if I was doing my job.

I was starting to quietly cry too and the manager came up and said she was having our food packed and ushered me away. The staff was quite cold to me as I was paying for my takeaway, and I could see they were apologizing to the lady. I keep having flashbacks to this and feel ashamed at how my son acted, but also about how he saw I didn’t stand up for him in the moment as someone insulted him. Just having a rough time and feeling like a bad mom.

I don’t get why he was running around? Mine have never done that in a restaurant because they know it’s not acceptable. So yes it was a fail in that moment but does it also indicate a wider discipline problem too?

Sorry OP I’m with the woman eating lunch on this one, and I say that as a parent of a child who liked wandering round cafes at that age.
In this scenario I wouldn’t have taken a long call as I couldn’t have trusted her to sit still and not get in anyone’s way.
You could have saved the call until later.

You aren’t the worst mum ever by any stretch.
However it is annoying when someone else’s child causes you inconvenience when you are out minding your own business.. and that’s pretty bad that he spilled pasta down her.
She wasn’t wrong for swearing I can’t say I wouldn’t have done similar.
Just chalk it up to experience, try to watch him better next time, and move on.

Thing is, she doesn't know your background and you don't know hers. You were having a horrendous day but she doesn't know that, and she could have been having a horrendous day too - you have no idea. I have eaten in a cafe next to a hospital while waiting to go back for beta HCG blood test results re a likely miscarriage, for example. I'd probably have reacted similarly to someone else's kid spilling my lunch all over me that day.

You were bang out of order letting your DC run around. At 5 why doesn't your DC know not to run about in restaurants? They presumably don't run around in the lunch hall at school. That's naughty toddler behaviour which you parent out of them, surely? It's pretty bad for a school age child tbh. They should know not to do that even if you weren't actively telling them not to.

Hmmmm there's a lot going on here.

I was in Sainsbury’s yesterday and there were 2 kids running up and down the escalator getting in peoples way while the adult with them just watched. I didn’t say anything because it didn’t really affect me but if they had knocked into me or knocked my stuff over etc I probably would have snapped. I have 2 kids myself and have had a rough 5 years with my dad dying and getting divorced along with some other life events. So I’m definitely not a perfect parent but teaching children how to behave in public is an ongoing task which I’ve put a lot of effort into.

Most people understand that all children misbehave from time to time, but they’re generally sympathetic when they can see the parent is making an effort to manage the situation. You dropped the ball on this one. Hopefully you understand that you should have apologised profusely and paid for the woman’s meal. Your son probably learnt a lesson too.

No matter who I was talking to on the phone, or where I was, my mind, my eyes would be on my child. What if he'd run out the door and into traffic?

I would have reacted the same as the woman your son abused while she was enjoying her lunch. The staff were so quick to kick you out, I wonder how bad this child was acting before you even started chatting on the phone. Don't ever talk on the phone while he's in the bath, he'll either scald himself or drown.

Ahhhh one child, @FancyCatSlave ? My eldest child was like that at 5 too, and I took thought I had parenting cracked as a result.

My younger two soon taught me that actually that was just luck that my eldest son was by nature pretty calm and easy. Not all kids are like that, and yours isn't like that exclusively because of your excellent parenting it will be a mix of what you are teaching and who they are naturally. Have another couple, if they are all perfect then I'll eat my words...

@YourBoldCoralDog You have had a really rough lot of responses here and people have been pretty unkind and judgemental and ready to stick a boot in. Like one or two others, I can understand how this could happen and it was an accident. Your father has been in hospital a month and you are worried about your husband's job, and he was on the phone? Totally understand a lapse like this under those circumstances. I hope and pray that things improve for you and your family soon.

I can also understand saying "what the fuck" and being cross if I was the 25 year old however the moment you broke down in tears I would have softened up and reassured you that these things happen.

He's a kid. Kids do silly things or behave wildly sometimes, especially (and this is not a criticism of you) when mum and dad have other stress in their life going on. It's just one of those things a d absolutely doesn't make you a terrible mother, it was just a day when you weren't at your best and an accident happened.

And every single mother has been through days like that. Yes even the ones chiming in about how "there's just no excuse for bad parenting" etc . They have fucked up in some way too, even if it is just by being so judgemental and mean spirited as people that they are teaching those behaviours at home to their children.

Chin up, tomorrow is another day. Kids always choose to do something embarrassing when you are already stressed and struggling, just one of those things.

Take care 💐

Apologising. Then paying for her meal. Then reprimanding your son is a remedy to the situation. Poor parenting yes. Bad Mum no. Being distracted by a phone has consequences so prioritise the child and their welfare. Drama over

I would almost never shout at someone else’s child ( “stop!” if they are about to get run over aside) and I have never in my life sworn at a child. Of course you should have stopped him running. I totally get why in the stressful situation you didn’t. Maybe the lady had her own issues to make her behave poorly too. Either way, as the old adage goes two wrongs don’t make a right.

Is this AI??
Mom
Cussed

Just sounds weird.

No errors or personal style.

So Odd.

Wow - you’re not content to settle at just ‘parenting fail’ are you? How many social failures to unpack there in that little gem of a post…

I'm wondering what kind of work you've put in between say, 2yo and now if his instinct is to get up from the table and run around the second you're preoccupied.

I can't believe you argued with her for swearing when it was your fault she had her lunch in her lap. Anything other than apologising profusely and offering to pay was wrong here.

This should never have happened in the first place though. By 5, children know not to run around. And even on important phone calls you keep 1 eye on your child. Use hand signals/grab their arm/give them 'the stare' ... whatever works but there is no excuse for this.

to be fair she doesn't deserve any?

This is why people are so often saying that children shouldn't be in restaurants. All of you who moan when people say that can thank inattentive parents like OP.

Who, i hope, offered to pay for cleaning the woman's clothes, offered to cover the cost of her meal and a replacement, and checked she didn't need medical attention

Sorry I just reread the original post.

I can imagine saying "what the fuck" at the pasta spill but I absolutely would NOT have continued like this "When he started to cry she told him to get away from her and to go sit down like he should have been in the first place; he just stood there frozen and she said he was a brat who was acting like an animal" and neither would anyone I know that is outrageous, he's 5 years old!

I cannot imagine talking to a little child like that who had accidentally knocked my plate over that is absolutely vile. Poor little lad.

Ridiculous post really with all the build up , looking for sympathy from the OP.
You were completely in the wrong . You let your 5 year old run around a restaurant - obviously quite madly as he managed to knock a meal over someone.
Plus he is 5 - not 2 or 3 which might be in SOME way excusable.
The poor lady might have been nicer if you had not rushed to defend your child's behaviour . I probably would have argued with you also if you were not immediately super apologetic .

Who do we think is responsible for all the fake posts these days? Any ideas?

Accidents happen. Not your or her finest moment.

I'd be a lot less stressed if this happened to me nowadays than pre-DC as I now fully appreciate the wonder that is the wet wipe. Can fix a lot of things.

You probably antagonized her by asking her not to swear - 'wtf' was an instinctive reaction and it's always better to pour oil on troubled waters if you can. A genuine 'I'm so sorry, what can I do to fix this?' would probably have been a better approach.

You can still supervise a child while having a quick phone conversation with their father. Parenting is the priority.

Perhaps you’re taking on too much responsibility with your dad’s care. Ultimately you have to put your own families needs first and it sounds like your son’s challenging behaviour needs your focus. He needs your affection and energy now to get on to a better track.

@KittytheHare I wish I bloody knew what was going on

You’ve got a lot on your plate. She may have too. I wouldn’t just sit there if a kid launched my lunch into my lap. Is it a bad thing? Kids need to understand how to behave.

Standing up for him after he had pushed a random customers dinner all over her is basically telling him that the other woman was in the wrong.

In that scenario you should be apologising to her profusely and offering to pay for any ruined clothes and replacement food.

You then check that your child is not physically hurt and firmly remind him that he should not be running in restaurants.

A couple of things.

1. HOW can you have zoned out so much you had no idea what your son was doing? What if he'd run out of the door into traffic?

I completely get you were having the day (week? month?) from hell. But you still have to keep your child safe.

2. Why is a 5 year old behaving like that? I have an ADHD DC and they definitely know that there is a time and a place. And a cafe isn't that place.

I'd definitely shout too if I had hot food knocked into my lap. Hopefully your son will remember it and remember that the way he behaved wasn't appropriate. And yes, you should have paid her bill and offered to get her clothes cleaned.

I see what you did there.

frankly? it's a pity more people don't speak like that to the feral kids that pull stunts like this. maybe they'd stop... the parents don't parent (as in OP) and so the rest of us need to step up.

(I have achieved elderly grey haired lady on bus status. I am constantly telling children, some with their parents, to stop putting their shoes on bus seats. And i don't give a shiny shit if it upsets the child or their "parent")