Lady yelled at my son, I feel like the worst mom in the world

[YourBoldCoralDog]

Hi everyone.

As background, my dad has been in the hospital for a month. He’s improving but slowly, and I go every day since my mom isn’t up to being able to follow what the doctors are saying. On Friday he was having a hard day, and my son (5) came with me because he was off school. My husband’s job has also been doing layoffs recently and there was going to be another round that day.

We left the hospital at 1pm - both of us were hungry and my son was restless. We went to a place right by the hospital since the hospital cafeteria area was very busy. Soon after we sat down, my husband called with the news he’s not being laid off but his hours are being cut and was trying to explain it to me. As I was talking to him, but son was up from his chair and playing around the table. By the time I got off the phone, he was running around.

I know this was a total mom fail, and I should’ve intercepted him sooner. But by the time I got up to do so, he’d tripped and knocked a woman’s pasta into her lap. She was probably 25ish, alone and having a glass of wine with lunch while she was reading. My son started crying immediately, and she exploded at him - her immediate reaction to it was to say “what the fuck”. When he started to cry she told him to get away from her and to go sit down like he should have been in the first place; he just stood there frozen and she said he was a brat who was acting like an animal. I rushed over and said I was so sorry but I didn’t appreciate her cussing at and insulting my son, and she said she didn’t appreciate having her lunch dumped in her lap because I’m “too lazy to watch my kid”, and she said something like she wouldn’t have had to say a word to him if I was doing my job.

I was starting to quietly cry too and the manager came up and said she was having our food packed and ushered me away. The staff was quite cold to me as I was paying for my takeaway, and I could see they were apologizing to the lady. I keep having flashbacks to this and feel ashamed at how my son acted, but also about how he saw I didn’t stand up for him in the moment as someone insulted him. Just having a rough time and feeling like a bad mom.

You will laugh about this one day OP, try and breathe. Our kids will put is in the most embarrassing of situations, it happens.

Why would you be ashamed of how your son acted? He acted like a 5yo who wasn’t being parented.

The correct response would have been to apologise profusely and pay for the meal. Not stick up for your son.

The woman didn’t know your back story, and you didn’t to know hers. Personally I don’t think your backstory is an excuse for letting your 5yo do what they like, while you ignore them.

You weren’t paying attention to your child.
Of course it was your fault. I hope you offered to pay for the woman’s food! That was the very least you could do.

This is why children shouldn’t be running around in cages or restaurants.

I know you meant cafes but cages did tickle me 🤣

That’s a hilarious typo! If he was in a cage the pasta woman wouldn’t be wearing her lunch

I think I would have shouted at you tbh but not at a 5 year old. Not his fault. And to all you posters saying that he should know better than running, well he's 5 and was probably a bit excited. So easy to judge when you have calm kids. I got one who was a tornado at 5 and I had to literally be on him non-stop and I had one who was extremely calm and well-behaved. Same parents, same education but different kids.

Anyhow, you slipped up @YourBoldCoralDog because you should have watched him. You know that so I'm sure next time you will do better. But if I had seen you almost in tears I think (hope) I would have told you that it's just pasta and nobody got hurt. Don't be to hard on yourself- ALL of us have had moments we're not proud of- the perfect parent does not exist. Take care of yourself 🌼

Sounds like a horrible day compounded by everything else going on in your life. But I think that there are some things to take away from this. A proper apology - not an “I’m sorry but you shouldn’t have…” comment back to her - could have calmed things down considerably. I think people do swear from shock, so I don’t think you can be cross with her over that. The best way to resolve this would surely have been to tell your son to apologise, then send him to sit down, and then apologise again and ask if you could pay for her food and her clothes to be cleaned. It could have ended in a less stressed way if the heat had been taken out of the situation. Maybe having offered to remedy what your son had done wrong (and he must have been scooting around at a fair lick to knock her food into her lap) she might have calmed down herself and even apologised to you for losing her temper. It would have helped the staff out too as they were having to apologise for something that they were not responsible for. Anyway, as I say, lessons learned. Tomorrow is a another day.

firstly I want to say I am sorry you’re having a rough time at the moment OP.

However that doesn’t excuse what happened. And nothing the other woman said was wrong. You shouldn’t have been defending him at all in that moment, at 5 he should know better, and you should have been far more thorough on your apology and attempt to make amends to her. I think given her lunch was wasted, potentially burned her, and probably ruined her clothes, a few choice words were deserved.

Your whole OP is building up your back story and positions her as at leisure (wine, reading book, young etc) but the thing is you truly have no idea what’s going on in her life, how far she was from home if she needed to change, the rest of her day plans. She could be having a time 1000x worse than yours right now and you just wouldn’t know it, so all your background is moot. And even if she didn’t have anything else going on it still doesn’t mean she deserves it or should be any more accepting of it.

in that moment you were a bad parent, think about and put into action all the things you need to do to not be one again. Feed your son before he gets to that point, keep an eye/hold of him, teach him how to act in an appropriate way in different settings, tell your husband to hold on a moment or you’ll call him back the moment your son is up from his chair, make amends to the hurt party rather than defending your son when he didn’t need it. There were many many ways this could have been prevented and you could have handled any segment of it better. If you want to be a better parent you need to look at and take steps to remedy those, not just pass over it as a ‘mum fail’ and wallow in self pity.

You do realise that you don’t have to chat on your phone, when you’re out and about with your young child, don’t you?

Instead of feeling sorry for yourself about being reprimanded by the other woman, be grateful that it wasn’t a scalding hot drink or food that could have landed on your son and caused him serious harm.

Maybe you need to focus on doing one thing at a time and put your phone away when you’re in a cafe and supervising your child?

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. And you didn't do well here, but one incident does not mark you out as a bad mum forever.

However, the lady who had her lunch knocked into her lap did not swear at your son, she had a perfectly normal reaction. Also, if she had enough time to call him a brat and tell him to go and sit down without you intervening, he was a fair away away from you. If he was off school sick, he should not have been at a hospital, in a cafe or running round.

You don't know about her "back story" either.
Maybe she'd gone to the place right by the hospital because the hospital cafeteria was full and ended up having some random child tip her lunch into her lap.
Yes, it was a total "mom fail".
She probably felt like crying too.

Totally your fault. Why on earth were you zoning out during a phone call? Once you’d answered and realised it wasn’t an emergency, you should have explained you were with your son and about to eat and say you’d call back later. All the time you were saying this you should have been watching your son. You could then have got up and grabbed him once he started to wander off/run.

The woman was quite right to have a go at you and tell your son off. The swearing wasn’t ideal but it was probably shock, as she’d just had a hot meal dumped in her lap. And then, instead of being mortified and apologising profusely along with offering to pay for more food and dry-cleaning, you tried to remonstrate with the woman.

I’m sorry you’re having a stressful time, but parenting is a full-time job. You can’t zone out. This wasn’t a few seconds of lack of concentration from you. You completely neglected your son and allowed him to ruin somebody else’s relaxing lunch.

Why wasn’t your son in school? He shouldn’t have been out if he was ill.

I cannot believe you didn’t even pay for the ruined pasta. Truly shocking.

This. You may well be having a hard time but so too might she. You can’t just opt out of parenting because you’re on the phone, it could’ve waited, you already had the main point. It really could’ve been a lot worse, someone might’ve got seriously hurt.

The lady didn't know you were having a shit day. And to be fair - perhaps her day was even shittier than yours before she had her lunch dumped in her lap.
You can't blame her for being hugely irritated after what happened and she reacted by shouting at your DC - kind of understandable really.
Doesn't make you a shit parent but in that moment your parenting wasn't what it should be.

You should have said can’t talk at moment on the phone, child needed your attention at that point

luckylavender

I cannot believe you didn’t even pay for the ruined pasta. Truly shocking.

Quite.
At least the OP got a takeaway (even if the staff seemed "cold" and, for some reason, weren't melted by the "quiet crying" of the mother whose son had caused the problem).
Presumably all the other lady got was time spent in a filthy, damp skirt until she could get home.

Yes you should have been watching him better but no way does that justify the way that woman spoke to a child. Of course it would have been a shock for her and she’d be angry but she sounds like an awful person. Things happen sometimes. If she’d have been reasonable I would have paid for her meal and apologised - because she spoke to your child like that I would have done none of that. Don’t feel bad, you accept you should have watched him better but you have a lot on your plate and parenting is tough at the best of times

My own child kicked the table and my dinner - hot noodle soup - landed in my lap at a restaurant once. It was painful, upsetting and it made me instantly want to cry and I was really angry with him, even though he didn’t mean it. He was v upset. So I get why she snapped - she didn’t have time to modulate her feelings.

Also we were out and I had to go home soggy and smelling strongly of the soup!!

Give yourself a break though. Things happen. Next time he’s restless and you need to take a call, maybe get to a park and order a sandwich from an open air cafe type thing. Don’t scold yourself - neither you or your son meant to.

A bunch of judgemental, perfect mums on mumsnet!!! No empathy for OP at all!
The lady overreacted to a child and swore at a child! Hello!! it’s only foods! The OP apologised. I would have knocked the rest of her lunch and her glass of wine!
We all have off days, yes you should have kept a better eye on your DC. No point beating yourself up now. Take this as a lesson.

I'll give the woman a pass on the language because she probably was just shocked to end up with her lunch in her lap.

I'm 100% with the woman and cafe staff here. For a child to get to the point that they are knocking lunch into someone's lap, they are pretty out of control. I hope you offered to pay for the cleaning of the outfit and her lunch.

If I'm out and about with kids, I don't answer my phone. If it was my DH, I'd tell him this isn't a good time and can he call back at a time more suitable/talk about it tonight.

It doesn't make you a bad mother but this was definitely a bad moment.

Over reacting to having your pasta end up in your lap? No. She probably had to go home and get changed, might have messed up her work day, she might have been having a hard day already. It's very unexpected so a swear word might have flown out without thought. I wouldn't have much empathy if I had pasta in my lap in a totally preventable incident.

I would have knocked the rest of her lunch and her glass of wine!

Would you really 🙄

Oof, sounds like a terrible day but I think that applies to both you and the poor lady whose lunch got tipped in her lap.

I think where you truly dropped the ball was in not immediately apologising and offering to pay and instead confronting her on how she spoke to your son. I really don't think what she said was that bad, he was behaving a bit like an animal! The staff were probably quite rightly on her side in this interaction and thinking you should have been supervising your child.

That aside, what's done is done and it will be a learning experience, I'm sure neither you nor he will do anything like it again so it's best to let it go and none of us are perfect parents 100% of the time.

I hope your stressful life situations settle soon.