Can’t do anything with newborn baby

[areandare]

My baby is almost 8 weeks old and I love him so much, but I can’t do anything with him. At the start he would sleep in his Moses basket in the day so I was able to get things done, but now he will not sleep in the days unless he’s in my arms. I used to be able to take him places, shopping, cafes etc, but now there’s no point as he just screams the whole time and it isn’t enjoyable.

I can’t do any housework, my washing basket is overflowing, I don’t eat anymore because I don’t even get a second to do that, my life just feels like a continuous loop of hell right now. He’s good through the nights which is one positive, but the second we get up at 7am for the day the nightmare begins.

My partner works but is useless so doesn’t really help much when he gets home as he’s ‘tired’ and goes to sleep before his last feed of the night and doesn’t do any night feeds as he has to get up for work. I have a very supportive family but don’t want to lean on them too much as they all work full time too.

Im just dreading every day at the moment, the only time he’s not crying is when he’s asleep in my arms. Please tell me it gets better I miss being able to eat a meal and relax 😢

Your mum will just be loving any time she gets to spend with her grandchild so please do take any help she has to offer.

you have a really big DH problem … he’s got to realise that parenting is a shared responsibility. Do you breastfeed? If not he has literally no excuse. Even if you do, he can help! My DH used to send me to bed after a feed in the early evening. I would sleep for a few hours while he kept the baby happy for as long as he could. Then he would bring her to me for a feed about 9 or 10 and then take her back until the next feed around 1am when I would then take over. It would give me enough stretches of uninterrupted sleep to not be exhausted. Having a baby shouldn’t mean your quality of life is terrible while your husband’s remains unchanged.

How is your baby in the pram/buggy? I remember a phase where is really had to be out and about with my baby walking or feeding.

Another vote for your DH doing more, I’d be having a conversation! It’s great that you have support from your Mum.
My first didn’t like a sling but preferred the baby carrier so it may be worth trying something else if he won’t settle in a sling.
My second one liked the vibrating baby chair, my third one hated it…
It is really hard, even harder if your DH won’t help..mine used to come home from work and take them for a walk in their prams if they were awake or if sleepy sit and cuddle them etc he loved the baby stage!

The washing and mess, as shit as it is to look at every day (it made me really anxious!) won’t be forever my DP works long hours so it was just me and DS an awful lot of the time, and he was also a Velcro baby at that age! DP and I tag-teamed for half an hour at the end of every day, just to do things like loading the dishwasher, take the recycling out, put a wash on. As long as there’s something clean for your baby to wear, even if it’s the rattiest thing in the drawer and the last thing you’d reach for given the choice, it’ll do!

Your baby might scream if you set him down for 5 minutes to go for a wee, or to make a drink or something to eat, but it won’t hurt him to be put down for a moment. You can’t pour from an empty cup so you need to take care of your own basic needs too.

I promise it gets better! I felt like my DS would be attached to my tit forever around that age. He’s now 9mo and does little drive-by feeds while he’s tearing around playing! I put a wash on earlier and heard him giggling and babbling to his toys in his cot.

Hang in there! ❤️

You are in the thick of it right now but I promise you it does get better. It’s hard to imagine in when you’re in it but when you look back these weeks will seem like they went so fast. Maybe try to lean into it a bit more, settle yourself on sofa with your water bottle some snacks that are easy to eat while holding the baby and get really into a couple of tv shows and just relax into it. I tore through virgin river when I was in the newborn trenches, feel good tv.

Not sure what your budget is like but perhaps you could get a cleaner to come and do a hoover and the bathroom so you can relax that it’s done.

As for your DH he needs to understand what you are going through! Becoming a mother is an all consuming crazy journey and you need support right now and lots of it. I hope he’s at least picking up the slack on the weekends? He needs to be doing majority of the nappy’s etc on weekends to give you a break. You need to try to communicate to him that you need more support from him. I know exactly what you mean going to work work is far easier than looking after a newborn IMO! I’ve been through the feelings of dread too and it’s really tough but you will find your stride again. Remember you can always contact your health visitor if you are feeling low and need support with that. Also do lean on your family I’m sure they are only too happy to help. Sending you all the best wishes.

1. if you have a hard baby and need help from midwives/doctors, be very precise. They will tell you it’s normal for a newborn to cry lots. If you say he’s crying the whole time he’s awake unless feeding then they might be more interested.
2. sling him and go out into the fresh air for a brisk walk. He might settle after 5-10min. Transitions are hard so initial tears to be expected. You aren’t allowed to stop/sit, sorry that’s how newborns are!
3. are there any signs of a cows milk protein allergy, lots of poos or a green tinge to poo? Eczema? What about a lactose overload such as frothy gassy poos?
4. it does get easier but your life is changed so manage your expectations. If you want a nice meal out or catch up with friends you need a babysitter.
5. Tell your partner to pull himself together. This isn’t all on you. Mothering an unsettled baby makes the toughest paid work look easy.
6. look after yourself, be kind. It’s super tough and you are doing a fab job just by getting through each day with him and you ok. Forget the laundry, let the house fall apart, husband can sort that in the evening.

Are you breastfeeding op? Could you express some milk for a bottle?

I am Mum of 2 (22 & 24) in my 50's and so I realise could be told by you all that I am out of date..

But reading the replies by OP to previous comments it appears that the much maligned partner does step up when home...

I am here to be the person that says this stage is a transition for all, it will change and evolve and will not necessarily get easier if you don't accept your choice of becoming a family together.

DH making dinner maybe not exactly as wished for but then he can't win if explicit needs are not communicated...i.e. he cooks dinner but OP would prefer to have a break away from baby.

I recall being a zombie being woken by DH with DD2 ready for feed at 6.30 and DD1 with sippy cup of warm milk as he walked out the door for 11+ hours....

I could have wallowed but he had already changed their nappies, made me tea, DD2 her milk and kept them entertained for up to half an hour until he had to leave.

So despite feeling tired all the time, I was at home, so could function as a bit of a part time zombie (WFM 3 days per week) I did not want DH being that tired whilst driving all day!

Parenting is not always mathematically equal but a game won by teamwork.

I do agree that a half hour reprieve around 6.30pm whether to play, feed, or bath and bedtime routine can provide a much needed reset.

My first was like this, my second not at all. It is brutal but does get better and is absolutely not your fault, some babies are just wired this way!

Your baby's behaviour is normal, your husbands is not.
is he scared of looking after the baby? Why doesn't he want to engage? He must see you struggling and seems controlling to dictate dinner rules.
A sling library will help you find the right sling for your baby. Hire a cleaner if your husband won't clean. Get him to set up an uber/deliveroo if he doesn't leave you food to grab. And if he doesn't step up as a father, leave him and find a better man.

I feel your pain. My now 5mo was the same. Except also a bad night sleep and with a 3yo to also contend with. It was a dark time 🤣

Seriously though, he would SCREAM. He was tired, but wouldn’t go to sleep without me. It got better at 12 weeks and then better every week. 5 months now and it’s night and day. Good luck

Honestly I’d either use a sling or I’d let him cry sometimes. You need to recharge yourself with clean clothes / food / shower etc. Having ten minutes to yourself - even if he is upset about it - is ok and perfectly acceptable. Hang in there xxx

Your husband is a huge issue. When the fuck do you get a break from baby?

‘My partner works but is useless so doesn’t really help much when he gets home as he’s ‘tired’ and goes to sleep before his last feed of the night and doesn’t do any night feeds as he has to get up for work’

This is PATHETIC. My husband would come home and spend time with our baby so I could go shower, eat, read, have a bath, call a friend etc and I’d take back over again around midnight. He’s not a partner to you at all! Do you get any breaks at weekends?

My first was like this until his reflux got sorted and being upright in a bounce or swing helped massively! I was always in the same room checking he was ok if he fell asleep in either. My second was like this until diagnosed with CMPA. I’d see your dr! Are you feeding baby when hungry? My friend insisted on feeding her baby on schedule and the poor thing would cry all the time as it wasn’t being fed on demand. She relaxed with her next kids and it was much better. I’d put mine in a bouncer etc so I could eat, go to the loo etc. It’s fine if they cry for a few minutes!

It could be silent reflux talk to your gp about lanzoprazole or omeprazole and see if that makes a difference my 5 month od has severe reflux and while meds haven't helped much with the sick he definitely cries alot less .

What sort of sling do you have - there are loads of different types and some work better than others. We had a BabyBjorn and a CosyMe two piece sling - a bit like this, but thicker material: https://uk.momcozy.com/products/momcozy-cooling-breathable-baby-wrap

DD1 hated the CosyMe, but didn't necessarily want to be carried everywhere - she loved the BabyBjorn (although the one we had couldn't be used until 6 months+)

DD2 was a cling-on baby - never wanted to be put down and absolutely loved the CosyMe - she was never a big fan of the BabyBjorn though.

See if there is a sling library anywhere near you and try some different styles out - there's bound to be one that suits you both.

And it definitely gets easier 🙂

OP it definitely gets better. My middle child was so hard, crying a lot, never slept. He graduated this summer and he’s been a dream child. After the hard baby years he was genuinely so easy. These days are tough, but it’s a short chapter really. Your partner needs to do a lot more, time for a serious chat.

My friends baby was the same and the saving grace was he would sleep at night, he had a dairy allergy, might be worth cutting dairy for two weeks and seeing if that helps, for my baby who would only sleep being held, if I could get her to feed lying on the bed side lying position, she would stay asleep there if I got up carefully like I was lying next to a bomb, but you do find the things that help calm them and you get through it, from 8 weeks it starts getting easier in my experience, but lean on your gp and health visitor the help is there!

My wee one was the same with a 'hard sling' (buckles and straps) but in Scotland we get a baby box and access to a sling library, and I tried a fabric sling there. Its a bit of a faff the first few times but he preferred that to anything I had to clip him into.

Your baby is still very little, I found reading about the 4th trimester provided some reassurance my banshee newborn was as frustrated and scared as I was in those early days!

What the fuck is wrong with your 'partner', did he not want a baby? If he insists that you eat together then he takes the baby at least 50% of the time while eating.

Also it's time you start insisting on things such as him pulling his weight when he's home and also giving you a lie in at weekends.

It does get better. Don't get frustrated and focus on rest yourself and do the basics. The rest can wait.

I just wanted to say my first baby was like this. Sooooooo hard. And I really took it personally, assuming I was doing something wrong and looking for the magic fix. Everyone around me helped feed into this narrative too as they would constantly give unsolicited and patronising advice, minimising my struggle and dismissing my experience saying I should try X or Y or maybe I just needed a better routine etc. or maybe I was just an anxious mum and that my baby was picking up on this. Etc etc
As a result I blamed myself and it took ages for me to actually accept my own experience and start to realise my baby really was just harder than others and had different needs. So I really wanted to share that with you incase it helps to validate your experience and help you to avoid that negative comparison, and feeling of failure! You baby sounds very challenging. The majority are not dealing with this. That’s why they’re out doing baby classes/coffee shops/long haul travel. It’s not because they’re smashing it and you’re useless. It’s because their baby is sooo easy.
It’s best to try work with your babies needs and accept that some things won’t be for him. And therefore some things won’t be for you.
Have confidence when you decline invites and make a routine that works best for you both. It does get better in the sense that they can be much more easily distracted and engaged in things so it won’t literally always be like this. But in my experience challenging baby lead to challenging child.
Saving grace for us at 8 weeks was the baby Bjorn bouncer, but please also remember every baby is different and what your baby loves will be unique to your baby

it gets easier I PROMISE you!! You’re in the depths of new born hell right now, at 12 weeks they stop screaming so much, coming from a twin mummy and 1 of my twins just screamed and screamed it was awful, the light is at the end of the tunnel I promise you x

Is it possible that there is some food intolerance? My DS had intolerance to wheat and dairy and to the vitamin drops I was giving him. When I cut these out he stopped crying and was happy again.

It gets better especially if your OH steps up.

A note on the sling : set a timer and keep trying. Say you're going to give it 5 minutes, 5 minutes of crying might prevent hours of crying. But set a timer as it can feel like hours when it's only been 60 seconds! I'd try for a few minutes at a time as mine used to fuss and cry until I was out the door then he was super happy.

But most importantly, it does get better!

i know (and really know) how horrible it is having a messy house and full wash basket BUT (trust me here) if you can, as someone above has suggested, pop him down for literally 5 mins to get yourself something to eat and drink just before he sleeps then sit on the sofa with the tv on and your snacks and drink and just breathe and chill and if you can ignore the mess. Honestly, in a few weeks you won’t see it as wasted time - it’s hard to get into the mindset but in hindsight trust me. You are allowed those moments while baby sleeps and you’re allowed to let him cry while you make a quick snack. It DOES get easier, and you’ll be able to get out and about with him again too, probably fairly soon. They go through all sorts of change but with the experience of hindsight, each phase is short - it’s just a huge challenge when you’re in it. Good luck, you’ll get there. He’s a lucky baby to have you

Get a cleaner, book a hair appointment. He won't step up.