Can’t do anything with newborn baby

[areandare]

My baby is almost 8 weeks old and I love him so much, but I can’t do anything with him. At the start he would sleep in his Moses basket in the day so I was able to get things done, but now he will not sleep in the days unless he’s in my arms. I used to be able to take him places, shopping, cafes etc, but now there’s no point as he just screams the whole time and it isn’t enjoyable.

I can’t do any housework, my washing basket is overflowing, I don’t eat anymore because I don’t even get a second to do that, my life just feels like a continuous loop of hell right now. He’s good through the nights which is one positive, but the second we get up at 7am for the day the nightmare begins.

My partner works but is useless so doesn’t really help much when he gets home as he’s ‘tired’ and goes to sleep before his last feed of the night and doesn’t do any night feeds as he has to get up for work. I have a very supportive family but don’t want to lean on them too much as they all work full time too.

Im just dreading every day at the moment, the only time he’s not crying is when he’s asleep in my arms. Please tell me it gets better I miss being able to eat a meal and relax 😢

you sound like an amazing mum so is trying to do everything perfectly for her baby. The baby will get easier. But sorry to say that if your OH isn’t helping now, they won’t get any better unless you force the issue. Five hours at rugby at the weekend isn’t ok at a time like this when you’re responsible for a newborn 24/7.
Had a similar situation and this helped a lot: for us the white noise and swaddling in particular: https://www.happiestbaby.com/blogs/baby/the-5-s-s-for-soothing-babies?srsltid=AfmBOooLKFn3L5feb2HwZc8QZ6gRPf2Flbso9ytLnkF56a1hSRWsid0W
It really does take a village, so you need to lean more on your mum right now during the day to give you a break. It’s not only for you, it’s for your baby because if you have breakdown from exhaustion, you’re of no use to them. Also the baby crying genuinely doesn’t bother others the way it does the mum :)

if you look at the evidence in “being there” by Erica komisar you will find that leaving your baby to cry it out etc. can have long term consequences.

I could’ve written this post word for word four months ago. Please believe me when I say it gets easier (or we just learn to adapt). Either way, you’re doing an amazing job, and please make sure you tell yourself that. It’s hard work!! My baby was like this and had ‘colic’ which I found out was basically the doctors way of saying, “we don’t know why your baby is crying!”

all babies are different but here’s some things that helped my little one:
bouncing with him in my arms on a yoga ball
car drives
babywearing (I know you’ve said you tried this already but try a different carrier! Mine didn’t like a sling.)
music and just bopping him along to it- wasn’t soothing music either. My baby apparently likes the Weeknd, haha.

youve got this🤍

I’m sorry but as PP have said this is definitely a partner problem, not a baby problem. There are many things I tried with my unsettled baby but ultimately the only thing that will helps is family support, and time.
My daughter was such a difficult baby, it’s so hard at this age as they barely give anything back and it’s so unrewarding and miserable
most of the time (and boring, repetitive etc). It really just gets better with time, there wasn’t anything medically wrong with my daughter (that we found). As a toddler she is just very active and easily bored so I think she was as a baby. But she’s also hilarious, full of personality and just an amazing little person now. It got gradually easier the older she got, and then MILES easier after age 1 when she really developed a personality.

The best thing I could have done honestly is not obsess over trying to ‘fix’ my baby. I was so obsessed with her nap routine, her diet etc etc but really I should have just been trying to get through that time the easiest way I could by relying on the support I had. Your partner really needs to do better.

How about finding a children's chiropractor.....look up online one posts on YouTube and explains how realigning baby sorts out their pain/unease.

This is 110% NORMAL! You are doing fine.

@areandare

There are things your husband could be doing. If you accept useless now the resentment will build until its intolerable.

-Getting up in the morning and helping you prep for the day. Snacks and lunch for you and bottles, nappies stocked up in convenient places.

• doing the last feed so you can sleep ahead of any night waking
• giving you 30 mins when you get in to take care of any personal needs.

Next time he comes in from work tell him you need to pop to the shops for something and just go for a walk. He will learn to cope just like you have had to.

I agree that your partner needs to step up more, but equally it’s still super tough doing 8+ hours a day of feed baby, change nappy, baby sleeps on you, repeat without anyone else around.

My baby is 8 weeks too and had a great first few weeks but as you say won’t be put down now. I’m totally with you too on the crying, it’s more stressful listening to them cry than not having lunch, etc.

If your Mum is happy to help ask her and please don’t feel guilty. It literally takes a village. Sometimes mum’s don’t like to overstep so she may think you’re doing great, and would no doubt be gutted if she knew you were struggling.

8 weeks sucked the most and I had a very good baby. She went, in just one day, from being a sleepy new born I could put anywhere to needing to be stuck to me. I didnt have the crying and fussing, but just here to say it absolutely does get better. This is a very short phase and it will be OK.

Have you tried putting him in the sling, going for a quick walk around the block to settle him and then coming home do whatever you wanted?
Mine is 8 weeks and will cry and cry if you just put him in the sling, but settle with a brisk walk.
With my first, that didn't work, but doing ten minutes if a baby carrying work out, then flopping him into is bassinet asleep worked a treat. I hope it helps!

Hi OP
i know how you feel. My baby was just like this. Would only sleep in my arms and would cry whenever I put him down.
As others have said, a sling is great.
What I also did - if I could - was put him lying down in the pram and bring him into the kitchen when I was preparing food/washing up/doing chores. I’d chat to him whilst I did things, so he knew I was never far away. I’d also come over and touch him to let him know I was there.
I was able to do this because one day my Mum was here and put baby in the pram & wheeled him to sleep - it was the first time he went to sleep without contact napping.
I used the pram all the time throughout the day. Sometimes he would cry and I’d put on a musical mobile or sing to him.

Regarding food, I ate a lot of ready meals during this time. The ones I bought were quite healthy so I didn’t feel bad.

As time goes on, and baby gets bigger, you find more time. My baby was always a bad sleeper so I didn’t get much done when he slept but he got better at being left alone for short periods when awake.

As for your husband - WTF?? He has a newborn and spends 30 mins a day with the baby and complains the whole time?? Why did he actually have a child in the first place? He shouldn’t be able to get enough of him - newborns are beautiful & fascinating. Yes they cry a lot and are demanding, but my God, they are precious and amazing. He’s been at work all day and should want to spend all his free time with his child!

This is one of the reasons why I’m a single mother by choice!

Hi everyone, I just want to thank you all for the amazing advice and words of encouragement. The fact that so many of you have / are currently going through this and have said that it gets easier honestly fills me with so much relief and hope.

Over the past couple of days my partner has been more helpful, he’s given me more breaks so that i can take some time for myself / prep lunch for the following day. I’m hoping he’s had the kick up the arse he needed to be a bit more hands on, I hope it lasts. I appreciate that he’s working but he’s not contributing anything more now that I’m on mat leave, we both split the bills equally and this has remained even though I’m on maternity pay now - so the comments about him ‘providing’ for us are ridiculous!

Also, I have switched baby to a ‘comfort’ formula designed for colicky babies and have really seen a difference in him. He seems a lot happier, comfortable and has been giving me lots of smiles. The issue with not being able to put him down in the day remains but I’m trying to embrace newborn cuddles and be organised with lunch , washing etc

Most good parents who love playing sport at weekends either change the kind of sport and fitness they do when they have young kids or just play every other weekend. Rugby for 5 hours every Saturday with a newborn isn’t OK!

🧐

It shouldn't be that difficult, that's how it was for me with my first and no one could understand but she was under fed and under weight. That's why she didn't settle. Try to address that first. See why baby isn't settling. Sling also.
Join some mother n baby groups even thiugh I imagine it's so hard to get to places on time with that dynamic. I don't think hang in there and it will. Pass is good enough advice. It needs addressing now.
See public health nurse, paed, baby massage or oesteopath.
Breastfeeding might not be going well or a chamge of formula. You are not failing. Something is just off xx

I could have written this myself when my baby was all fresh and new! Firstly it WILL get easier. I promise you.
The thing that helped me cope with the clingy stage was looking at my baby and saying to myself how scary it must be for a tiny squishy defenceless pink human to be in our chaotic world for such a short time. So I held onto my baby to make her feel safe. It gradually got better over time. It's only the last year I'd say (she is now nearly 3) that she will take herself off to nap on her own in the day if she wants one. Every other time she was sleeping on me in the day.
As for the housework, washing, chores etc. It used to really bother me. Now it waits. My DH used to be useless too, but I personally think he just didn't know what to do, so I eased him into being a parent too. He has regrets now - he spent 2 weeks doing unnecessary jobs around the house when she was newborn - so now he has shaped up to be a devoted loving dad so he doesn't miss another minute with his little girl.
And as for you, I didn't have a support network, I was 100% on my own. If you have someone to help don't feel like you can't. Off load what you can when you can! If you not breastfeeding from the boob I would book a hair/nail/coffee appointment and get just 1 hour to you. I used to go to the gym for 1 hour at the weekend to sweat it out on my own and I felt like a new woman ready to take on the week again.
You can do this. It will get easier. Your baby won't be 8 weeks forever!

I spent the first few months of my last baby's life in bed. I WFH and was back working when baby was 2w. She slept on me the entire time and I only really moved my fingers.

I had no partner so was not waiting around for any help.

I think it can be the waiting around for help the the building frustration around that that can really ruin early motherhood.

I hired a cleaner to come weekly for the few months I took to bed.

I had quite a few takeaways, mcdonald's breakfast, pizza dinners.

But you have someone ordering you where you may eat your food and you're waiting around for them to help you and show you that they care, and I think that's the issue here. Babies just sleep and drink milk. Is yours picking up on your stress?

Thanks all. We do go to some baby classes, but I do find it difficult to even get out of the door in the morning at the moment but I do enjoy the classes.

He has been pretty good in the days recently now, still won’t be put down but I’m working with it as best I can. The biggest challenge now is the ‘witching hour’ from around 6pm until 11pm every night, he screams and screams and nothing settles him not even his milk. He is refusing to sleep but is obviously tired, oh I hope this gets easier😅

My DD was exactly the same! OK in the day, screaming from 6pm til midnight or beyond. I would say the screaming got better at around 10 weeks. But their sleep is so up & down when they're little, I had to learn to chill out and not worry about naps etc. My DD liked her Ewan sheep lullabies to fall asleep.

You can do everything you can to help it along but you can't make them sleep (I used to think if only they came with an off switch 😂).

Witching hour(s) are the worst, just when you want to chill it all kicks off.
We used to pace the house everyevening. On days when we had done too much it was worse, possibly due to overstimulation.

At 4 months + we started doing 'music hour' as part of thr bedtime routine. We'd play rock music and get percussion instruments out. Little guy took out all his frustrations on a pair of maracas and a tambourine instead of crying. They are all different but that one made it more bearable for all involved at that time of the day.

I remember those witching hours. For me it was classic FM on, baby in ring sling having boob, whilst I gently bounced on a yoga ball, which replicated the motion of walking with far less effort. Or just long walks with her in a sling.

Though sometimes I'd do the yoga ball routine with my insomniac 2yo on a different sling on my back at the same time as she also wanted mummy.