Can’t do anything with newborn baby

[areandare]

My baby is almost 8 weeks old and I love him so much, but I can’t do anything with him. At the start he would sleep in his Moses basket in the day so I was able to get things done, but now he will not sleep in the days unless he’s in my arms. I used to be able to take him places, shopping, cafes etc, but now there’s no point as he just screams the whole time and it isn’t enjoyable.

I can’t do any housework, my washing basket is overflowing, I don’t eat anymore because I don’t even get a second to do that, my life just feels like a continuous loop of hell right now. He’s good through the nights which is one positive, but the second we get up at 7am for the day the nightmare begins.

My partner works but is useless so doesn’t really help much when he gets home as he’s ‘tired’ and goes to sleep before his last feed of the night and doesn’t do any night feeds as he has to get up for work. I have a very supportive family but don’t want to lean on them too much as they all work full time too.

Im just dreading every day at the moment, the only time he’s not crying is when he’s asleep in my arms. Please tell me it gets better I miss being able to eat a meal and relax 😢

It will get better even if it doesn't feel like that now!

Have you found any baby groups near you? Even church halls, doesn't have to be an expensive group. Just to get yourself out of the house and break the day up. You might find especially in a few weeks time baby is more interested in their surroundings and would enjoy a group. Plus it usually tires mine out and he sleeps longer in the pram on the walk home. I found it invaluable to have the routine of playgroups on certain days.

Also prep/get partner to prep lunch you can eat one handed. Housework can wait. And it doesn't matter if baby cries at the groups because everyone is in the same boat.

Your partner needs to step up.

You have a newborn baby, you can't be expected to manage everything else as well.

Are you breastfeeding? If not, it might be a good wake up call to leave him with the baby for a day and he can compare and contrast that with his "tiring" work day.

Mine was like that op, and had silent reflux. A complete different baby once treatment began.

The baby’s father has to do his part, especially with a Velcro baby.

mine would just scream and scream if she wasn’t being held. Dad tried for hours on end to be the one holding her but she would not relent. She would not sleep unless she was on me, day or night.

our solution was divide and conquer. I took care of our baby. DH took care of everything else, including me. He came home from work and did all the housework. He made the meals and cut them up into individual bites so I could eat one handed. He prepped little snack bowls of food for me to grab during the day like cut up fruit and cubes of cheese. He held her while she screamed so I could take a shower.

neither of us ever got a break that first year. It was tough. We only survived by working as a team.

Hey OP
So firstly, yes it does get better......

My 1st bit of advice to you would be to either see your GP or HV about the colic, my eldest was colicky and also had a dairy allergy we found out about around 8 weeks and he was very similar to your DS when this started. So worth ruling that out if nothing more.

2nd...... I think you really are going to have to try and let him cry it out, place him in his bouncer/swing where he can still see you etc and as a previous poster advised you can still interact with him but you need to be eating.
Are you BF?
Does he have a dummy? If not it might be worth considering trying him with one.

3rd....will he sleep in his pram/pushchair? Maybe you could get out for a walk with him in his pram late morning time, always worked a treat on mine they would drift off and then I would bring them in and just remove their blankets etc (gently) that way you may get another hour where you can eat and have a a brew and some time to just relax. It sounds like he needs to get into a routine to me.

4th.... ahhh the DP, great aren't they HAHA, not making excuses for him but tbh I think it just takes men longer to adjust to parenting than it does for us. Start stretching that 30 minutes out a little longer each night or better still get him to see to baby whilst you're eating your dinner together.....

Good Luck and it will get better, not easier but better and you will settle into the routine.

He will not cry indefinitely. How long are you leaving it before swooping on him?

You have a husband problem op, it feels harder because he's not supporting you properly.

My DH used to make me a packed lunch in the evenings along with his so if I didn't have time or hands free I could still eat something, loaded up porridge in the slow cooker overnight for me, even made me a tub of snacks to put in my bedside draw incase I was stuck upstairs feeding.

He used to put a wash on in the morning before he left and if I got it out and dry then great but often I didn't and he managed it after work and I would fold it up the next day.

He would let me eat dinner first whilst holding the babies whenever they were upset in those witching hours ( very common ) because he knew I didn't get set brakes like he did at work.

Every weekend he would give me the first lay in AND send me for naps if I needed them.

Your baby is normal, your husband is not.

I say this with love- please have an honest chat with your DH about his behaviour and choices. With my marriage, I did everything for my 2 children. This went on for years. And DH needed a medal for doing ANYTHING related to their care or the house.
He is now my ex because the resentment killed any love I had for him. Your h needs fair warning - resentment kills love. You both created your child. You both need to work as a team. It is not a competition of who works harder, works longer, does more.

My DS was similar and a super Velcro baby, practical things that helped were:
DH made me a flask of coffee in a travel mug before he left for work and also made me breakfast, something I could eat with one hand while baby slept on me.
when he got home from work he made dinner and then took DS so I could eat
I had lots of snack like things I could eat for lunch so I would could get them out of the fridge/cupboard while cuddling DS.
he did like a sling though so I could put him in there for a little bit to get a walk/go out for a coffee.
it does get easier but DH defo needs to step up and make sure you have food, the basic housework gets done and you get a break!

I have a 5 month old and he was just like this to start with (and often still is) it does get easier OP! Does DS have reflux? Once I asked for infant gaviscon from Dr, life massively improved. Also just putting baby down as much as possible really helps, I know a lot of people disagree with this but holding baby all day makes them so clingy. You have to be a little brutal, hope you’re ok xx

Oh I remember this well with my first! Honestly the best advice I can give is stop trying to fight it, you will fail each time and it will just make you miserable each time. Get a comfy baby carrier or wrap pop baby in and get on with the stuff you need to do, chat to baby while you do it, preferably do your chores while baby’s awake, you get stuff done while they are entertained and content watching from a wrap, leaving their nap time for you to rest and chill, win win!
Then get yourself set up on the couch with a good book or the remote, some snacks and drinks or in bed, if you want to sleep and just enjoy cuddling your baby. Once I gave in to it, I ended up loving contact naps.
I still get into bed with my 2.5 year old (second child) for his nap (than he definitely doesn’t need anymore but I refuse to give up!) at any opportunity I can!

Get a sling.

it will pass x

Okay, I'm going to say the controversial thing, it might not get better for a long time.

I'm not saying that to depress you, but because when people think improvement is on the horizon, they have less incentive to make changes. The biggest change needing to be that your partner must step up.

The colicky phase usually passes by a few months, but sleep regressions (often older babies sleep worse than newborns), weaning issues, the challenge of having a mobile baby etc, are coming and you don't want to be taking it all on yourself.

I would revisit slings, maybe go to a sling library where you can try a few and they can check your 'fit'. Also, try to get out, screaming baby or not. If baby won't settle in a sling and you can't prepare a sandwich one handed, just put your baby down.

One thing that really helped me with my first, is that most of my friends were already onto their second (or more), so I tried to think how they'd manage. If you've got a toddler and they need the loo, you don't have any choice but to manage. Same if they're hungry. Now give yourself the same priority as that toddler. Second children aren't scarred for life because mummy made their sister a sandwich, and they won't be because you need one either. Saying that if you get the sling to work, you can comfort your child and make a sandwich at the same time, even better.

Best of luck

If it was me I would put them in a sling, screaming or not just get on with it (and use a dummy.)

Yes it will get better

Require more from your husband. He’s doing the bare minimum. What would happen if you left him with the baby once he’s home and went for a walk.

My baby was the same - I promise it will get better. I'm an active person and had zero physical issues after birth so I thought I'd be out and about with my baby. Or that baby would nap and I could get on with things or have a nap too. I hadn't realised babies like ours existed - I now know that's because they rarely leave the house!

Things gradually improved as the weeks went on. I was able to go short walks from about 8 weeks once feeding issue sorted and he was big enough for carrier (he absolutely hated pram until 6 months). He contact napped only during the day for first 6 months - never once slept off of me during the day in that time, including never sleeping in pram (screamed whole time, I had to abandon my thoughts of going walks with pram). I remember feeling like he was 'broken'. Which seems ridiculous now. At 6 months he started napping in his cot and never slept on me again! In that first 6 months my partner did all cooking and most household tasks.

Hi lovely. I have an 8 week old too! I have struggled with the crying, it’s really hard when I can’t settle her. Infacol drops before her bottles have helped her tummy so much. She’s less uncomfortable now and sleeps better in the day and cry’s less in the evening. I use a sling sometimes to get things done, she also loves the dummy.
i try to aim to go out around 11 each day, the fresh air helps and breaks the day up. if she screams in public I think well she’s a baby, if people don’t like it then tough!
Your partner needs to help. It’s a full time job and exhausting. Lots of love to you xx

I know that you may not believe thus but it got better for me too. (I mean the baby btw, not the husband which is another problem )

💐

It does get better. Your DH needs to step up more. But I would tell him exactly what you need him to do, give him a list if it helps.

Do you have a motorised swing seat? I got one for my colicky newborn & it meant I could eat & quickly do some tasks.

Good luck.

It doesn't feel like it but it will get better. Personally, I find newborns the pits (2 DC). And 8 weeks is just about the worst time - euphoria has worn off, exhaustion has set in.

I find parts of your post eerily reminiscent of how I felt, right down to the unsupportive partner (my DH was and still is a complete workaholic although he's gotten better with the DC).

I don't have any general advice because ultimately you can't force your partner to help more. It's shit and of course he should, he's undermining your relationship by not helping, but my advice would be to park the resentment and focus on you and your own wellbeing until you're out of the newborn phase and less exhausted.

If there is one thing I have learnt since becoming a parent, it is this - if no one is going to give you a break, you have to give yourself one. Find what works for you and your baby and sod the rest.

It'll take a bit of trial and error, but here's a few things that worked for me:

• Baths, lot of baths. I used to have a couple a day. I put nice music on, had some chilled water in a plastic cup and played a bit with the baby in the bath. Then I popped him into a box with a couple of fluffy towels next to the bath, topped up the hot water and enjoyed the rest of the bath to myself with my book.
• Really easy food - sandwich for lunch, microwave meal in the evening, easy fruit and veg for snacks that I cut up in the morning. I don't think I cooked properly for the first 6 months.
• Raised bassinet on wheels next to the sofa. I'd cuddle the baby to sleep on the sofa and then just tip him gently into the bassinet, wheel it into the corner and have a nap myself. We lived in a flat with DC1 which was great, as I could just wheel the bassinet around the flat.
• Soft blankets curled up into rolls. DC1 used to wake or startle when I put him down, so I wrapped a large blanket in a roll, made it into a circle shape, popped him gently in it and then slowly removed the blanket when he was sleeping soundly again.

I know it doesn't feel like it, but there isn't that much housework that really needs doing. You can get it down to 10-15 minutes a day and, although it's stressful, you can just leave your baby to cry for a few minutes while you do it if you have to and if getting it done is going to make you less stressed. Babies with older siblings are left to cry while the parents do stuff for the siblings, it's inevitable. Get rid of anything in your kitchen (chopping boards, pans) that doesn't go through the dishwasher. Put a load on every night, even if it's not full. Hang it up to dry or put it in the dryer in the morning. The dishwasher needs to be emptied the minute it's through, so that you can put cups and plates directly in there and not on the side, where they'll stress you out. Everything I cook with - pans, plates, utensils, the lot - goes in the dishwasher. Dishwasher on each night when the washing-machine goes on (even if half-full). Actual cleaning of bathrooms/kitchens can wait till the weekend and can be done by one of you while the other holds the baby. Your partner can do his own laundry/cooking.

Have you tried baby wearing? My youngest was like this so I put her in a sling and did the housework etc. she never went in the pram I had her in a carrier when we went out too.

Yeah, tell him eating together doesn't work for you right now and do your own thing. If he's being selfish and putting his own needs first, do the same. Put your food in the fridge and heat it up when the baby is asleep so you can eat in peace.

Get a blanket and some food/drink and let him sleep in your arms pop Netflix on and relax everything else can wait, this stage doesn’t last long soon he will be crawling and into everything. You’re doing great and it will get better. Sometime soon leave dh to look after him for a few hours that should open his eyes to hard it can be.

Letting him cry while you make some food or pop some washing in will not hurt. Just pop him in a chair and make sure he can see you

One of mine was like this. I swear it gets easier! Your partner needs to do a lot more though