Can’t do anything with newborn baby

[areandare]

My baby is almost 8 weeks old and I love him so much, but I can’t do anything with him. At the start he would sleep in his Moses basket in the day so I was able to get things done, but now he will not sleep in the days unless he’s in my arms. I used to be able to take him places, shopping, cafes etc, but now there’s no point as he just screams the whole time and it isn’t enjoyable.

I can’t do any housework, my washing basket is overflowing, I don’t eat anymore because I don’t even get a second to do that, my life just feels like a continuous loop of hell right now. He’s good through the nights which is one positive, but the second we get up at 7am for the day the nightmare begins.

My partner works but is useless so doesn’t really help much when he gets home as he’s ‘tired’ and goes to sleep before his last feed of the night and doesn’t do any night feeds as he has to get up for work. I have a very supportive family but don’t want to lean on them too much as they all work full time too.

Im just dreading every day at the moment, the only time he’s not crying is when he’s asleep in my arms. Please tell me it gets better I miss being able to eat a meal and relax 😢

Nope not necessarily - some bits are dreadful and push you to the brink!

It gets better. As a first time mum it's overwhelming

But just think of if you have another child. The baby has to cry sometimes or you can't look after the other one! Feeding, potty, falling over etc.

Mine both screamed and it's a difficult stage. Eventually he might drop off in the pram, carrier or in a bouncer.

1. What type of sling have you tried? There are so many kinds some which work amazingly and others which don’t. Can you head to your local sling library to try a few on and get some support from the truly lovely ladies that run them?
2. Is baby BF or FF? (asking as which strategies to use depends on this)
3. You have a DH problem not a baby problem. Have you explored marriage counseling? And/or therapy for you to help put in place boundaries and assert yourself?

This is giving me vicarious rage.

Try baby probiotic drops. My GC had horrific colic. Like your baby, when he was awake, he was screaming. A doctor recommended the probiotic drops and they were a miracle cure. Colic stopped within an hour of starting them and never returned.

There is a theory (I am a granny, not an expert) that babies suffer cramping similar to gas or digestive pain until their digestive system develops their own live bacteria/microbiome. Ask your GP OR your health visitor.

You just need to get through this and it will get better. It's hideous. Try and eat, even if it's hob nobs and jelly babies as calories will make you feel a bit less insane.

Try different burping techniques - he could have lots of trapped wind. Burping is about letting your baby’s body stretch out to let the wind escape - rather than just patting a baby’s back.

It gets so much better.

I had a super needy baby. The first year of her life was nothing but exhausting and hard.

I spent hundreds on gear that I thought would make my life easier — swings, bouncers, sleeping bags. The only thing that was useful was the sling as she wouldn’t tolerate being put down for a moment.

I’ll be honest I found nothing helped but time. As she grew it got SO MUCH BETTER. By the time she was 3 I felt like a human again. She 4 now and every year has just been better than the last. I was worried her temperament as a baby would persist into toddler/childhood but she’s actually now one of the easiest kids I know!

The newborn/infant stage is temporary. It is so difficult when you are in the trenches but this will be such a short period of time in your life with your child and it is in no way indicative of what parenthood will be like when your child is 2, 3, 4, 5 etc.

Agree with other than your partner needs to step up! Being home with a difficult baby all day is 100x HARDER than working. Also look up PURPLE crying as you are at the age for it.

Your DH was a champ. Would be great if all men were on the case like this!

Really sorry but your partner is a cunt.

I had one like that and it was horrific, my kids are a lot older now, we split up when I was pregnant with the youngest and I still feel anger and resentment for how lazy and selfish he was.

you and your baby deserve better, if it was me, I’d be going to stay with family x

There’s no teamwork in the OP’s description.

@areandare this is awful.

Can your mum have a word with him?

Dear OP @areandare , firstly congratulations on your lovely little boy! 💐
I could have written your post myself when DD was tiny. My DH was crap. Like, so unbelievably crap. And I had no indication that he would be! I thought he'd be wonderful and hands on, but he wasn't and I wish I had set some expectations on him earlier, because his hopelessness created a lot of resentment that I have had to work hard to let go - and some resentments that I may have not completely let go!
Do try to pick a moment when little one is down and have a glass of wine together and explain that you really appreciate him cooking (I know, MN, but most men shut down if you lead with a complaint!) but that after holding the baby all day, what you really want to do is be allowed to use your hands and cook the meal.
When you've cooked, by all means serve DP first, let him eat, and then give him back the baby and sit down to eat your meal. If baby gets fussy while your eating, ask your DP to rock him/pace with him, whatever it takes but you don't take the baby until you've eaten your food.
Next night, reverse it. You eat first, then take the baby and DP can serve himself and eat in peace.
He might not love the change of play, but you just keep telling him that you need a 50/50 team mate. Your little boy won't be tiny forever and this time will fly by so fast and how DP acts now will shape the long-term look of your relationship.

Good luck OP. Do remember that you're not unreasonable at all and that everyone is learning as they go here. Xxx

Slings are defo the answer to this, I had a limpet baby too and he HATED the usual slings and got way to hot being quite so snuggled. Fortunately, we had a sling library locally and eventually we discovered he would tolerate a side sling like this one. tiny-dreams.uk/products/adjustable-baby-sling-carrier Defo worth a try it was a real lifesaver. It’s much more interesting for them to be taken around and shown all the things ur doing, chatting to them. I’d like to say it gets easier but I didn’t find it easier until he was in nursery for a couple of half days at 9 months then 2 days a week at a year old! Babies just are hard work and take a lot of attention. Especially when they want to start moving around more themselves! Good luck, and defo get hubby to do more if u can. Sounds like he doesn’t realise what an easy ride he is getting.

Not sure if it’s been mentioned but my little one settled with the noise of the hoover or in a swing.

See if you can find a sling library so you can try different types. My first was a bit like this and wouldn’t hang in a structured sling but if I wrapped her in soft wrap so lying across my chest (as if I was carrying her) that worked! But yes - your partner needs to step up. Perhaps when he is back from work, hand him the baby then take yourself out for a walk.

This sounds so relentless my love! Second everyone saying your other half is living in La La land if he thinks he doesn’t need to pitch in - I hear ya when you say him holding baby whilst you cook feels like a break - in the same!
Around this time babies lose their reflex to poop without effort, and they have to learn how to do it themselves. We had a few weeks where you could tell he wanted to poop and he was so frustrated and tearful and uncomfortable! And it would be multiple times a day because obviously tiny tummies and they keep on eating haha.

We’re at month 5 as of tomorrow. Month 4 has been the hardest and he seems to be settling back down (new challenges - his brain wants to do what his body can’t yet!), so with love your other half NEEDS to buck his ideas up. Does he want you to resent him? Needs to step up!
Sending solidarity - every new day that comes is one day closer to easier times <3

Awww, bless you, is he your first ? It takes a while to settle into a routine. Can you put him in a baby sling as he wants to feel close to you. Play relaxing music (Mozart used to help with mine). He might have some wind and feels uncomfortable to lie flat. Rub his back gently . Try not to worry about housework. Just do the basics (washing, cooking) and make sure you eat regularly and healthily and sleep whenever you get the chance. Do you have a health visitor ? They are there to help and will be able to offer advice. Please talk to your family, they will probably be pleased to be able to help. Good luck. It really does get easier.

I feel for you. My neighbour had a constantly upset baby. She was the most patient person and I often was in awe of her. She couldn't even sit to have a coffee as her baby cried. I had twins at the same time and her one baby was so much more than my 2. What I'm trying to say, is you must be doing an incredible job to hold it together. That all babies are different and some are just more vocal than others.

I had a pram in the room and would put newborn in and just sing a gentle rhythmic nursery rhyme and push the pram backwards and forwards gently. Baby went to sleep for hours. Took about five minutes but just so worth it.

my husband used to leave me lunch made up in the fridge when it was like this

it gets better, I remember it got better when they can sit up (sorry it will feel ages away to you now!!) - and then you can sit them in a high chair or bumbo / or one of those bouncing chair things..

can you just retreat to bed with the baby and food and lots of cuddles, with a couple of walks for air/ coffee with a friend?

its lonely and exhausting op but it's not forever

Hi Op. My DDis nearly two and I could have written this about her, it is SO hard but one thing I can tell you is that youre gonna find the toddler years a breeze compared to this!

My girl screamed for 16 weeks solid. And she didnt sleep. And she didnt have any allergies, just a bit of reflux which gaviscon helped with.

Dont cry it out unless you want to. Be up front with your partner- i wasn't and the burning resentment nearly destroyed our marriage. Its so, so, so impossibly hard. You can get through this and believe me, its amazing on the other side!

sorry just read your update - is your partner a total cunt?!

Lets you hold the baby while you eat? comes home switches off and watches tv?

Goes to bed without doing a single night feed - doesn't even stay up late and let you at least go to bed early - or get up and do say the 6am feed so you can lie in til he goes to work?

sorry op but you need to stop facilitating that - tell him that when he gets home you are going to bed without the baby for a couple of hours/ or a hot bath -

tell him your job is 24/7 and now his is too

I have both worked and come home to baby and been at home all day - and everyone who has done both knows very well that working all day is easier.

sounds like his life has barely changed - his life needs to be imapcted just as yours is. He should be ashamed of himself! going to bed leaving you with a baby to feed into the early hours not taking some of that so you can rest.

Put the baby in a bouncer or other device when you want to do something. Housework/shower/go to the loo/eat a sandwich.
Get some headphones and wear them .
It’s ridiculous to martyr yourself like this. The baby will come to no harm and you can do what you need to do. Your partner could do more, but you can’t act as if his going to work counts for nothing as a contribution to the family.
I see so many women go down the point scoring/competitive tiredness route and the marriage never recovers.