Can’t do anything with newborn baby

[areandare]

My baby is almost 8 weeks old and I love him so much, but I can’t do anything with him. At the start he would sleep in his Moses basket in the day so I was able to get things done, but now he will not sleep in the days unless he’s in my arms. I used to be able to take him places, shopping, cafes etc, but now there’s no point as he just screams the whole time and it isn’t enjoyable.

I can’t do any housework, my washing basket is overflowing, I don’t eat anymore because I don’t even get a second to do that, my life just feels like a continuous loop of hell right now. He’s good through the nights which is one positive, but the second we get up at 7am for the day the nightmare begins.

My partner works but is useless so doesn’t really help much when he gets home as he’s ‘tired’ and goes to sleep before his last feed of the night and doesn’t do any night feeds as he has to get up for work. I have a very supportive family but don’t want to lean on them too much as they all work full time too.

Im just dreading every day at the moment, the only time he’s not crying is when he’s asleep in my arms. Please tell me it gets better I miss being able to eat a meal and relax 😢

Teamwork is absolutely key. You are both parents and your do needs to step up because it sounds like his life has barely changed.

When your dp gets home and after you've showered, give him the choice - baby or housework/cooking. You can't do everything. Whoever is cooking should make enough dinner each evening for you to have leftovers for lunch the next day and plate it up so all you have to do is pop it in the microwave and eat one handed. They can also prepare your breakfast - e.g. overnight oats or yoghurt with fruit - or one of you makes breakfast /tea/coffee for both whilst the other has the baby before he leaves for work.

It does get easier!

And the habits are great for the future - my dh still makes the kids breakfast and brings me a coffee first thing! If we're both wfh I then do our breakfast and a cup of tea after the school run.

I can’t offer much advice for the baby that hasn’t been offered but why isn’t your lazy arsehole of a partner emptying the washing basket and doing the housework and a night feed and spending more than 30 minutes a day with his own child? Raise the bar of expectation. He’s a Father now and needs to act like one.

Our DS is 16 months old now and I can count the amount of times I’ve had to cook dinner since he was born in single figures. When I was on maternity he also made my lunch and left it in the fridge for me before he went to work. I have 100% confidence that if anything happened to me tomorrow then DH could care for DS perfectly competently on his own. He’s not deserving of any medals for it, it’s simply what being a parent and a partner means.

DH and I tag resumed eating our evening b meal for over two months up BIL about 12 weeks with DS1 who was very colicky.

Yiu need to put your foot down. Your moron of a DH should not get to ‘insist’ on how you eat dinner. He should be willing to take his turn in holding baby. I’m afraid he is not a good dad. Mine is - and that involved him walking in after a full day at work and immediately taking DS and dealing with the colic to give me a bit of a rest. We then sorted and ate dinner between us, sharing the load. He prepped a batch of bottles at night ( this was 25 years ago) and did the last feed at 11.30 pm.

Your H needs to get himself into gear.

@areandare i agree you have a partner issue

but also what sling do yiu have - is their a sling library near you to try - the Ergo worked for us in the end

As long as he's changed, fed, warm, and safe then put him down and get yourself food and a shower. Chuck the laundry in and put him down for ten minutes later to get it out.

There is nothing wrong with putting yourself first for a while. You're doing a great job looking after him, you are allowed to put him down for a short while. It's totally unfeasible to be carrying him everywhere all day and you will drive yourself mad if you allow this to continue.

When your H is home he should also be pulling his weight in terms of holding the baby, housework and cooking. But during the day - put him down!

I'm not a mother but I was going to suggest this too. Babies probably find it very relaxing and soothing. Sometimes I wonder if some babies are too cold and so they welcome the extra body warmth.

I had a non napper. Didn’t sleep in the day till about 7 months. It will seem like a long time but generally things will get better from 4 months. ATM baby is still in the ‘fourth trimester.’ He is not developed enough to realise that the two of you are separate, hence why not being held feels distressing.

At about 4 months, he will start to be more engaged with the outside world (there will be a nighttime sleep regression sorry as he will be thinking about lots of new skills) so daytime will start to get easier as handing him a cloth book or baby toy with lots of moving parts will keep his attention long enough for you to have the odd snack or sip of tea.

Then at 6 months it gets easier again because you can had him a breadstick to suck on while you cook!

For me, there is just so little information about what to expect. Anything that made me realise that what was going on was normal and an expected part of development really helped.

I found articles on the La Leche League useful (I didn't notice you say how you are feeding but it’s not all about Bfing on there) and there is a book called the Wonder Weeks. I got it second hand online. It basically tells you when to expect what development leaps and sleep regressions at what week of age and i found it accurate give or take a day or two. It has tips about what to do when.

I hope it gets better. I also hope you DP steps up, it’s great you have the support of your mum though.

Forget the housework and washing but you MUST eat! Even if you leave him in his cot and sit in another room with your headphones on. Or get your dh to make you a pack lunch you can eat on the sofa holding baby.

If you don't look after yourself it will just get harder and yourl end up ill.

It will get better. Sending hugs!

Mine was like this. As others have said, a fabric sling may fix it

1. your partner needs to step up - that’s ridiculous
2. It gets better but i remember this feeling!
3. Leave your washing/cleaning, just look after yourself and your baby

So sorry you are struggling. In my opinion, where you are now is as hard as it gets. My daughter is 3 now, but when she was newborn I couldn’t do anything. If I wasn’t holding her she would just cry. If I tried to put her down when she was asleep she would wake up and cry. I couldn’t even eat lunch. If sounds dramatic but I just couldn’t have my hands free long enough. People will say just let them cry, but it goes against your instincts and I couldn’t just let her cry, it would tear my heart out. It does get easier. You will find your balance. Sending you a big hug!

Normal

Say it like that, "I desperately need a break". Please don't complain about 30m when I cook dinner. I actually need 90m, 30 for a break, 30 to to a load of laundry or 30 to sort food. If you aren't happy with that, then you do the food, the snack prep for me the next day and the load of laundry, but i still need the break from the baby. But doing a longer stint might make him less fussy with you too and help you both bond."

Or,

"I am drowning. I am desperate for a break. Watching you have all the time to rest, sleep and not contribute is causing me to really be upset with you. I don't like being a single parent in a relationship and being a parent means more than just going and getting a paycheck. Help. I need a teammate."

Don't do any of the house stuff. It can all wait. Reserve your energy. Try a carrier rather than a sling. Get a bouncy chair. As long as baby is safe crying is ok. Sort your food, your, snacks, toilet, and then get him back out and then hunker down with a box set and do it guilt free! Reframe your job is baby right now. Your partner's job is to support you either the house, or with the baby so you can do house when he's home and you can be a team. It will get easier it's hard right now x

Both my boys slept on there tummys from being born in moses basket big pram and cot bought matresses with the breathable holes in as they hated on there back or side slept right through from days old used to wake them for feeds during the night but wern't interested made it up during the day even went in baby bath on there fronts there 25 and twenty and 6 foot and healthy did get a travel cot for youngest when little he piled his toys up and climed out onto the settee

My daughter was like this it didn't get better until her silent reflux was properly treated and I went dairy and soya free when she was 18 weeks old.

You need to eat and drink, I ended losing 16% of my body weight and quite unwell.

You need more help from your partner.
Start each day with a filling cereal in a bowl so you just need to add milk.
Sandwich or lunch that can be eaten one handed.
Collection of snacks
A full kettle at the start of the day. The only bit of making a tea or coffee I found that required two hands was filling the kettle.
Get plenty of water.

My ironing board was my saviour i spent most of the day pacing around the living room as I couldn't sit down with her and this was the perfect height table.

Head phones for hands free conversation, music or podcasts to drown out the grizzle.

I carried a breastfeeding cushion around with me so I could put her at my feet and do things slowly picking her up as required. She could only manage a few seconds before the screaming started and if it was for longer than a minute or two she was inconsolable so doing anything involved picking her up and putting her down half a dozen time.

At one point she was in my arms for 23h a day and I was utterly touched out. The moment my partner walked through the door she was handed to him to stop me trying to rip my skin off. He held her for as long as he could manage to give me a break. She wouldn't settle for anyone other than me until her reflux and allergies were sorted

I’m so sorry you’re going through that - it’s tough when all you want to do is look after them and you don’t know how to help them. Some tips that might help:

• Trying different baby carriers - I personally liked the baby bjorn ones - there are sling libraries in London. If they cry at first they typically quickly get used to them when you go walking with them in the sling.
• Swaddling to help them sleep / just comforting them
• This sounds like colic but colic is often a name for something else so have you checked for GERD (my first had this and omeprazole solved it), or CMPA (with both mine temporarily moving to a formula like HIPP Comfort where the milk protein is hydrolyzed helped a lot).
• Wear AirPods with noise cancelling on and listen to podcasts or music - only when you are already soothing the baby and they won’t be soothed. Basically - just because you need to be with the baby helping them when they are upset doesn’t mean you have to hear at full volume all the gut wrenching cries that make it so hard - the AirPods help.

From what you've said, I'm wondering how much you've talked to him about some of this stuff. I don't mean sitting him down and having 'a big chat', but just as you go along. So when he is about to start dinner, literally say actually can you hold the baby because I fancy cooking dinner tonight. Or if you're eating one-handed ask to switch. He might think that him cooking so you can spend time with baby is what he should be doing. And he won't know unless you tell him.

I think being a bit more assertive about what you need will help a lot. Whether that's ' I'm really struggling to eat in the day. Do you think you could please make me a sandwich and put it in the fridge for me for tomorrow', or when he's got in from work, ' I'm just about done right now. Can you take baby out of a walk or something please so I can have a bath in peace'. If he's refusing to do these things when you're asking, then that's even bigger problem.

This stage will pass, I promise. And not to sound like an old granny, but someday you will wish for this time back. 🙂

Sounds just like my first! I does get better, I promise. Things that helped
*Nap when baby naps even if these means co-sleeping (safely)
*You go to bed early so you can get a few hours in before first night feed. DH would feed at midnight then go to bed then I'd wake at 2/3am. But I'd go to bed at 10pm so at least had a few hours
*Dad takes baby as soon as he gets in so you can shower, cook (I liked the alone time!) and eat. DH always held baby while I ate. If baby cried get him to take him out for a walk for an hour to give you a break.
*Take turns with a weekend lie
*Lowers the standards in washing and cleaning. You are in survival mode!

I can remember around this age being incredibly difficult with DD. She just screamed all the time and like you I just couldn’t get anything done or go anywhere. It did get a lot easier around 3 months ish. Unfortunately at the moment yoy just have to ride the wave. The laundry and the chore can wait.

My partner was very similar. Worked a demanding job so I didn’t mind not doing night wakes in the week but it took a while to train him so to speak. He was very much living life as he did before baby, going off to martial arts half the evenings, getting full nights sleeps. I did have to sit him down and say to him things weren't staying that way. He then started doing the wakes at the weekend and giving lie ins and spending fewer evenings out and helping more with baby/around the house. Even got some time for my hobbies so things felt very even and fair and we had a good balance when I returned to work. So they can change and they can manage working as well as helping with the baby/chores/letting you get some rest - don’t let him make you think otherwise.

What? Having a useless twat of a husband? I doubt it.

You have to stick to your guns or the rod your creating will weigh you down.
Put baby in the Moses basket or cot so you have time to wash up or even have a cuppa.
take baby out in the pram and have a wander, my advice is don’t pick baby up when you’re out.

as they grow getting the wriggly worm into a buggy is by far the worst thing, how they contort their bodies is amazing

Hmmmmm. I think your baby is normal. Echo posters above about a DH problem.

He is working 8-10 hours a day. You are working 23.5 hours a day, if he’s only holding the baby for half an hour. How is that fair?

When he comes home, you hand over the baby and you do not take baby back for 90 mins. Even a breastfed 8 week old can go that long. You use that time for whatever YOU want. If DH wants to make dinner - great- he can make it one handed or with baby in the bouncer - just like you do when he’s at work. If he wants you to eat together - great- you take it in turns to hold the baby.

Do NOT put up with this. I did and by 7 months we’d separated.

Oh lovely, I’m so sorry it’s been such a rubbish time for you.

I promise it does get easier, and I’m saying this as a mum of four, including one severely disabled child.

one bit of advice I can give you - when your DH gets home one night - give him the baby, and go out.
drive somewhere, grab a coffee, sit in silence and breathe.

it took me until my fourth child who is very poorly to accept that it is okay to step away and take some time for myself. It’s not selfish, it’s what stops me from reaching breaking point.

sending you a big hug xx

Well I def would not be washing his clothes. Prioritise you and the baby.