Can’t do anything with newborn baby

[areandare]

My baby is almost 8 weeks old and I love him so much, but I can’t do anything with him. At the start he would sleep in his Moses basket in the day so I was able to get things done, but now he will not sleep in the days unless he’s in my arms. I used to be able to take him places, shopping, cafes etc, but now there’s no point as he just screams the whole time and it isn’t enjoyable.

I can’t do any housework, my washing basket is overflowing, I don’t eat anymore because I don’t even get a second to do that, my life just feels like a continuous loop of hell right now. He’s good through the nights which is one positive, but the second we get up at 7am for the day the nightmare begins.

My partner works but is useless so doesn’t really help much when he gets home as he’s ‘tired’ and goes to sleep before his last feed of the night and doesn’t do any night feeds as he has to get up for work. I have a very supportive family but don’t want to lean on them too much as they all work full time too.

Im just dreading every day at the moment, the only time he’s not crying is when he’s asleep in my arms. Please tell me it gets better I miss being able to eat a meal and relax 😢

They pretty much just scream for the first few months. Reflux is a common cause. You could set a timer for 40 mins after each feed and back-pat for the 40 mins. Used to have to do this with mine and it definitely reduced the screaming.

Haven't read the full thread, but OP your husband needs to step up and help out in the evenings, he needs to help with feeding, and at the very least he needs to let you rest on a weekend if you're doing all the night feeds.
I breastfed my babies, but we used to do one bottle feed last thing at night - I would go to bed early and DH would do the late feed so I got a good stint of sleep. Then I'd take over for night wakes.
He needs to be sharing the housework with you when he gets home from work - you've also had a full days work!!
And stop trying to do jobs with the baby. It sounds like a really difficult age (and I sympathise, my first had to be rocked to sleep and I was often nap trapped, would NEVER settle, not like these babies everyone else has that sleep all the time).
You are doing enough by looking after the baby all day. That's all you need to focus on.
DH will need to pull his weight when he gets home!
Leave him with baby for a weekend day and go out.
Leave him to it. He'll soon realise how hard it is.

Has your partner tried him in the sling? It’s different apparently- something to do with temperature or hormones. Different shaped body? I forget. My DH used to do the first night shift with DD1 playing PC games whilst I slept. It gets easier. And you forget how bad it was!

Absolutely agree with this. I only did the housework that was doable with the baby on my shoulder for the first few months. DH understood how it was and did everything else, or we managed without it being done. It does get better, OP, he'll get to a point where you can put him in a high chair and give him some plastic bits to mess about with whilst you get stuff done.

No advice other than please hang on to the faxt they go through phases and change all the time

this is a phase. It wont last forever

My eldest had colic for first 16 weeks then suddenly it got better. Was breast feeding and he was attached to me it seemed forever. I had a music/sound app on my phone which helped a bit then my cousin gave me a Hummy which is a cuddly soft toy with a sound that takes batteries. It has different soothing noises and can be set to switch off or be on all night. He still has it at night and is just past 7. I did feel desperate in those first few weeks.

babies are meant to be carried, I would try again with the sling, I recommend reading “a baby wants to be carried” and “sweet sleep” you can read these when baby is asleep on you!

Your DP is an asshole. When I had our son my partner would wake up for all the night feeds, even if it was to just get me some water/make sure I was ok but usually we tagged teamed- 1 changed 1 fed (bottle fed baby) i understand thats harder for breastfeeding mums but he needs to do more.

Take the baby while you make some food and shower/wahs your hair/ scream on the bathroom floor (that was me)

As with the PP I didnt cook a dinner for about 3 months. We lived on microwave meals and crap.

The first year is just surviving really... and he needs to step up and help more. We are all tired. Its just what comes with having a baby.

Firstly let me say I really feel for you

You absolutely need to lean on others around you more, principally your partner and also a parent of this child!

You can't pour from an empty cup, I learned the hard way when my son was born I was holding my wee in for hours at a time because I couldn't stand to hear him crying.

We are biologically designed to respond to cries so it's not unusual it is stressing you out but you need to be able to do the very basics for yourself and your partner needs to be doing more to help you.

Your 'job' is the baby, NOT the house, this should still be 50/50 and in these very early days I'd argue 100/0.

It gets easier, promise!

I have total sympathy for you. All my children were unsettled babies, but it really does get easier. Weeks 6-12 were the hardest for me. To add to the mix none of mine slept well either and I did all the night feeds too as I was breast feeding.

Things that helped me-

• Husband prepared a packed lunch for me so I had something prepared and ready to eat.
• Getting a baby carrier. I loved the baby Bjorn and Tula carriers. I couldn’t get away with the stretchy wraps. If you have a sling library local its worth a visit as you can hire different types to try.
• Having a thermos mug so I could go on walks with a cup of tea and baby in sling with my air pods. Getting outside always made me feel less fraught!
• Accepting that I wasn’t going to get a lot done and just enjoying time sat with a sleeping baby while I read, watched a box set, dozed myself or did some online shopping. Normally with some snacks and something to drink.
• Having slow cooker bags prepped for during the week so I could just empty into the slow cooker and we would have a decent tea cooked with minimal effort.
• Accepted that my standards for cleaning would have to be lowered. cleaning was generally left until the weekend when two of us around. Generally meant a quick wipe around sinks with a wipe and bleach down the toilet!

I do know that not everyone can do this but for me the big win came in recognising that the house was going to be a mess and we were only going to eat what was easy.

My DS was like this and he was a poor sleeper. My ex also did nothing to help. Some days I would be in bits. But it did get easier.

But you have to eat even if your baby is upset. If you collapse then what?

Whenever I had a bad day I'd remember my DF saying if you are both fed and not dead you've done well. Which sounds upsetting but that's your focus.

You are doing a brilliant job!

Too many women having babies with men like this and then wondering why they hate their lives as new mums. What did you expect? Your partner is a piece of shit and you willingly created a new, demanding, totally dependent life with him? Leave him?! I despair that so many women put up with this!

So sorry for you. 50 years ago my DD would cry all day most days. She was our second. Took her and DS out Every Day for a walk even in snow and rain. She was a winter baby and we lived in a first floor flat. It does get better, sometimes unexpectedly fast. I have only words of encouragement for you. Our DD is very clever and has children of her own and has been an amazing mother. Go out and get fresh air as much as possible, even in inclement weather. This will certainly improve your mood and hopefully people will say hello even if DC is yelling.

I think it’s really easy to say DH needs to step up but in reality it’s a lot harder to make that happen !

OP it’s so hard but it really does get easier. It’s not nice to listen to but as long as baby’s tummy is full, nappy dry & they are safe then sometimes you do just have to let them cry a bit to fix yourself a meal etc. Have baby in the bouncer so they can see you and talk / sing to them while you are getting what you need to done. There’s a song called The Happy Song by Imogen Heap which is a horrible listen for adults but babies seem to love it.

Hang on in there, by 12 weeks by baby was back to being ok in the Moses basket while i did some chores etc

A baby shouldn’t be crying all day long. Have you seen a GP?

Yep. Everyone's house is a mess when they have a newborn because they're a good parent doting on their child rather than keeping up appearances while baby is left alone.

If you need to take 10 mins to eat and have a cup of tea, as long as baby is fed, burped and clean then it’s ok to let him cry. But it does get easier I promise.

Wow i have just come on here and read every single reply, thank you all so so much. It’s so reassuring to know that it’s not just me and that things will get better at some point, seriously thank you.

A few things..
• Baby is being formula fed, so no excuse for my partner to not help there
• We go to two baby classes a week which I enjoy, he’s a bit young so doesn’t really know what’s going on but it’s good for me to get out. I do spend the classes on edge that he is going to have a screaming episode, but so far he hasn’t and the other babies there seem far more grizzly than him
• I agree with comments about my partner, his life hasn’t really changed. He does give me a lay in on the weekend (before he heads off to rugby for approx 5 hours🙄) also, he works as a bricklayer and I bring in more money than him. We are both still contributing the same amount towards the bills even with me being on maternity leave - this is in response to the comment about him providing for the family, he isn’t providing any more than I am!

I will definitely try the sling again and need to accept that housework can wait. Baby boy has been good this evening, he layed on his playmat for 10 mins looking at his black and white cards and is now fast asleep, I have no trouble in feeding him through the night he’ll have his bottle, fall asleep on my chest in an upright position for half an hour before I put him in his swaddle.

I have wondered about CMPA or reflux but I’m just not sure, if I lay him flat after his bottle he will be sick which is why I have to keep him up for 30 mins. Does anyone have any advice / experience with reflux? Maybe I should get him seen but it doesn’t seem severe, when I look back at our days he doesn’t cry for every second while being awake like I originally said, but he does seem to cry a lot so it feels like it. He’s my first baby so I’m not sure if he cries anymore than the average baby. 30 mins of screaming can feel like 3 hours sometimes when it’s just me and him in the days.

Were not meant to try and do it all. Years ago a new mother would have an army of family nearby to take the load off. A wealthy woman would do nothing herself, not even nurse, they had nursemaids for that. In many cultures new mothers are expected to do nothing and have a lot of family help.
I think we are pressured to be like those social media mums who organise their pantry into coloured food order and cook an organic meal whilst holding the baby and then log on and do a few hours work on top. It's just not realistic and total bollox. Read about new mums in india or africa. I feel they have got it right, rest and recovery for mum as much as baby. Chores are not in the schedule!

My Baby had Silent reflux. Thankfully health visitor spotted it.

Things will have moved on. In my day. Feed the baby sitting up. Keep them up for 30 mins after. Dr Brown bottles. A special formula (can't remember name) child osteopath. Think only 2 sessions we needed.

Medication for stomach

What a difference. 💚

You need to be prioritising eating instead of your DH's washing.

Why does your DH get to insist you both eat together when you're struggling to eat with one hand, absolutely ridiculous.
You need to insist he hold the baby so you can cook and eat.
And if he expects housework and washing to be done, he either does it himself or he has the baby so you can do it.

@areandare sending hugs and solidarity.

loads of great advice here. Just want to echo that DH needs to step up. I had a textbook baby that slept, could be put down, liked a sling mostly and I still found it exhausting . And that was with a partner who had 6 weeks off with me, shared night feeds before he went back to work after going back to work did pretty much 50:50 housework. I say all of this to say - you’re feeling overwhelmed because you’re in a overwhelming situation with a baby that demands a lot from you (this won’t be forever btw it does get better)

Just read your update about 5 hrs of rugby on a Saturday - with a newborn - wtaf is going on there ? Unless you’re happy with that every weekend in which case crack on - I’d be using the weekends for nice family days out or some time to go for a nice lunch/ brunch without the baby (again only if that’s what you want - fully appreciate - new mamas especially 1st time ones don’t necessarily want to to be seperated from their babas) especially as you’re finding it so challenging in the week.

Not read full thread so maybe already been suggested but loads of different types of slings - if you have a sling library nearby they might be able to try you on the different types (stretchy v buckles etc)to see if little one takes more to one than the other? Sometimes my dc when a newborn would scream when put in the sling but then after a few minutes of being bounced and wales around would settle down.

Do have a think about seeing a dr re reflux . Mine was the same - needed holding up for 30 mins after feeding otherwise would vomit - but was otherwise settled. For some reflux meds will help and for others things will get better 12-16 weeks when they have stronger muscles and can start holding head up a bit more. I just don’t want you to pin all your hopes on your baby doing a complete 180 once you’ve been to the dr.

As others have said unless you’re job is an influencer where you’re being paid to LOOK LIKE you have it all together - accept that priorities have changed. Washing baskets overflow, dishes pile up, the house doesn’t always look spic abd span - standards have to slip as you have to pick whatever it takes to survive (although as said previously - need to sort out contribution to household by partner)

Fjnally accept all help. you say your mum (maybe other family is closeby) but you don’t want to have to depend on them? Why not? There’s no gold medal for doing it on your own. If your mum is anything like mine she’s gagging to help because she wants to 1) make sure you’re ok and 2) spend time with her grandchild. Like so many others have said - we’re not supposed to do this alone - but also caveat everything with - you need to have a Frank discussion with partner - maybe show him this thread !

You’re doing an amazing job. It never feels like it in the thick of it but it does go so quickly and you will then look back and a)forget how hard it was b)miss your tiny baby.

My husband was a useless twat too. But then he always said I'd ruined his life by getting pregnant so I never asked him to do anything and then got a divorce.
Mine wasn't too bad but I'm massively intolerant of noise so I totally get the exhaustion. You can see why in the old days they'd get popped in a pram and put down end of garden for a couple of hours.
Mine didn't like slings or dummies or very much at all. A very angry child. I used to drive quite a bit as it seemed to sooth him. I also went out for long walks many times a day but using a traditional pram so I'd sing to him as we walked.
I would make up batches of sandwiches daily so I could always eat while breastfeeding. I slept when he did. If the housework piles up leave it to hubby.

You’ve had loads of advice so I can’t really add to that but just wanted to say that crying peaks around weeks 6 - 9, so you are right in the absolute thick of it. It does get easier. My baby is 11 weeks now and much less unsettled, he’s able to engage with things more and will watch toys or the trees or something and be interested in it. He also started smiling a couple of weeks ago and it made the biggest difference to how I felt.
Life with a newborn is really fucking hard, especially if yours is particularly unsettled, but it does get easier.