Can’t do anything with newborn baby

[areandare]

My baby is almost 8 weeks old and I love him so much, but I can’t do anything with him. At the start he would sleep in his Moses basket in the day so I was able to get things done, but now he will not sleep in the days unless he’s in my arms. I used to be able to take him places, shopping, cafes etc, but now there’s no point as he just screams the whole time and it isn’t enjoyable.

I can’t do any housework, my washing basket is overflowing, I don’t eat anymore because I don’t even get a second to do that, my life just feels like a continuous loop of hell right now. He’s good through the nights which is one positive, but the second we get up at 7am for the day the nightmare begins.

My partner works but is useless so doesn’t really help much when he gets home as he’s ‘tired’ and goes to sleep before his last feed of the night and doesn’t do any night feeds as he has to get up for work. I have a very supportive family but don’t want to lean on them too much as they all work full time too.

Im just dreading every day at the moment, the only time he’s not crying is when he’s asleep in my arms. Please tell me it gets better I miss being able to eat a meal and relax 😢

Have you got a bouncer chair or a something with a bit of an incline that you can put him in after feeds to keep him upright, which might save you having to hold him?

This sounds exactly like me in the newborn days, except my baby didn't sleep at night either. I was on here and other sites constantly looking for answers/reassurance and although it's hard to see it now, I promise it absolutely does get easier. We spent a lot of time walking as it seemed to settle my baby and just helped me clear my head. Like you I didn't want to put on people but I would absolutely take some help if family/friends are offering, I regret not accepting it more now and definitely push for your DH to do more. I made the mistake of doing the majority and 9 months on I still am. People also often advise to leave the housework etc but that's not always practical when you need clean clothes! I also found i needed some organisation in the chaos and having a clean, tidy house was exactly that for me, I would do things like put the washer on at night so it was ready to go out in the morning just to make things a little easier. Truthfully, I didn't love the newborn stage but my little girl is 9 months now and things are so different, her little personality is emerging and she's learning so many new skills, whilst we still have some harder days things have definitely got better. Hang in there, it really will pass!

It does get better!! Mine was the same, seemed to work herself up to being absolutely awful at 10 weeks, screaming in the evenings, couldn’t put her in a sling or take to any baby classes. Weirdly the only thing I could take her to once a week was a mum and baby fitness class that played super loud house music. Left so many shops/cafes/classes. Found walks in the pram only other thing she’d also slightly bare sometimes but did a few of them with screaming/crying. BUT once over that 10-12 week period, she improved sooooo much, which apparently is quite common, so hang in there!

My son cried for most of the day, he was uncomfortable due to silent reflux. As your DS is sick when lying him down i’d say he has it (but not a Dr) please take him to Dr’s. If medication works it will make him more comfortable and your life will be so much better.

Google local sling libraries in your area. My son never got on with the structured slings. However the material slings were so much comfier for both of us. Sling libraries you rent them so can try them out until you find one you both like.

The baby isn’t the problem, it’s your partner. He needs to step up or you could do with someone else to help. My baby was like this and my partner made me a packed lunch and lots of drinks which I kept near by while he contact napped. Could you do this in advance?

Sounds like you’d be better off without him!
Does baby have a soother/ dummy? Don’t feed on demand? Does sound like wind/ colic.
he shouldn’t be crying all day.

My velcro baby had silent reflux and simply would not/could not lie flat on his back without screaming the house down. He had to be elevated - have you tried elevating the head end of the cot/moses basket? It might give him more comfort and help when he's up and about.

Does he have a dummy? Mine also had an insane suckling reflex, I always swore I'd never have a child with a dummy but it was an absolute lifesaver. He was speaking in complete sentences by the time he was 1 if you have concerns about dummies and speech delay. Yes that sounds like a brag but I'll counter it with he didn't even try and walk until about 22 months and I had images of him bum shuffling into his first meeting at work.

I'd have a conversation with your partner about how little his life has changed. It's not acceptable.

My first was just like this, except he also didn’t sleep well at night. It’s so unbelievably hard to see at the time because it feels so relentless, but it does get better. Mine also hated a sling no matter what, so we’d use a swing chair which helped. He also had bad gas so winding helped over time, but mostly he just hated being a baby. He’s a dreamy little toddler now, so funny and full of spirit. Still wilful but a joy to be around. It gets better and you will feel better. But I feel for you, I remember how depressed I felt.

You’ve had loads of good advice about practical things to help with your current situation - it will get better, HOWEVER unfortunately there are going to be other phases. Sleep regression, teething etc. Many of these will happen when you’re back at work. My baby is nearly 16 months but I was up loads overnight as he’s teething and has a cold. That’s why it’s so important that you talk to your partner about sharing the workload more fairly. You’re both his parents.

As an example - yes, I did pretty much all the night wakes last night as DH is a surgeon and is operating this morning. However, DH woke up before me and baby, got himself ready for work and made me a coffee, sorted my breakfast. When baby woke up he brought me breakfast in bed and took over looking after him - breakfast, nappy, getting him dressed etc. He’s now taken him to nursery and I’m (pissing around on here…) getting ready for work. Tonight one of us will cook and one of us will do bedtime (depends who fancies cuddles vs who fancies a quiet half hour and a small glass of wine whilst cooking) and as he’s not working tomorrow he’ll do any night wakings so I can catch up. At your stage he was up doing night feeds (I was expressing so I pumped while he fed), taking the baby for a good few hours first thing so I could sleep, staying up with baby so I got a couple of hours of rest. He did all the washing and most of the housework. We took it in turns to go to exercise classes, out with friends etc. We did shared parental leave and he has DS one day a week as he’s less than full time.

Thing is - none of this should be remarkable. Yes it’s exhausting but you need to be a team. It’s so much easier to cope with when you know that your partner will be home in x hours so you can have a long shower/some time to yourself etc. That if one of you has had a really crap night/day the other is going to help.

Your partner has presumably chosen to become a dad and presumably loves you - so why is he happy to watch you flounder when there are things he could do to help. You deserve somebody who seems you as an equal - not childcare/a household appliance.

Ill share my refluxy baby story inbcase it helps and you recognise any signs. Holding upright for 30 mins or they'll be sick lying flat is quite classic for reflux. My son had silent reflux so he swallowed what he brought up bless him, but it burnt his throat as its acidic and caused his crying. It was bad at the witching hour so everyone said oh its colic but he was miserable so much in wake windows it was heart breaking. I actually took him to a&e I was so freaked out by his misery, it didn't seem normal. The paediatric Dr thought he might have cmpa though he did have the classic rash but the consultant wanted to try omeprazole first.

Not ideal giving small kid ppi of course bit he was so miserable and in pain he got that til he was almost fully weaned and we weaned him off it with ease. It helped so much, he still had reflux but it wasnt acidic so didnt hurt him. He also got diagnosed with cmpa at two months when the health visitor finally agreed his nappies showed it. He had curds of undigested milk in his poo and it was very watery and foul smelling. He also pooped ALOT. His body was shifting the formula out as fast as it could.

He was put on cmpa formula and poos became normal quickly and he was like a different baby. He didn't love the flavour as they usually don't so feeding was a bit tricky at times but he was much happier.

Feels a distant memory now, he's still not on milk at 2 years old but manages petit filous and food with small amount of milk in it.

My 4th had this too. I raised the bassinet mattress at his head by putting a book under the mattress and it helped.

@areandare also the comment someone had about him providing for family ... I hate this comment. You're providing your time and health to your family, if you didn't he'd have to be with baby or you'd be paying for a nanny. So you are contributing as much as him financially, and more in every other way by the sounds of it. Bloody hate hearing that comment even when it does apply and the mum is off work to be there for their child.

I went through this. There was an end to it but it went on for quite some time! I survived using a wrap... Mine wouldn't tolerate being sat up in it though so I learnt a wrap for holding baby horizontally. This sort of required me to hold her a bit too (especially as she got bigger) but made things much easier. I found I was aching from holding her full weight and this relieved it a bit. I fed her in the wrap too (bf, and I'm pretty sure the problems others have mentioned were from feeding in an upright position - this really wasn't any different to normal feeding except the wrap took some of her weight). I did wear her at mealtimes too. I just shoved a muslin on her head (obviously not over her face!) so anything I dropped didn't go all over her! Also DP cut up my food for me to make it easier! We got a wedgehog (I think?!) and that made her go in her pram much more happily. We used to lay her in the pram at the side of the table eventually and she'd happily lay there and watch us eat because she could see out with the wedge under her. I know others have suggested it but I wasn't massive keen on the idea of seats before they can sit up themselves (especially when you think you've got a colicky baby - holding them upright isn't the same thing as having them put all the strain on their middle to sit up). We had a very reclined bouncer which did for short periods when she was a bit older. I haven't read all the responses but I know how it tends to go for people admitting to baby carrying - and as far as making a clingy baby goes, she went to 2 different nurseries and is now at school and has skipped off to all of them with no problems. We don't even have family or friends that we left her with beforehand so that can't be attributed to her being used to being passed around either. She just had a need to be held when she was very little. Now she's fine! Best of luck xx

I only breastfed for a few weeks which I was a bit sad about BUT having a bottle does or should even up the work significantly. My husband and I did every other night once she had said a final nope to the boob and it meant that each of us got a fairly reasonable chunk of sleep. It's not like sleeping every night but it will take the edge off and make you feel semi human. I actually do appreciate that if your husband is a bricklayer on a site he may genuinely not be able to do every night safely, but he can definitely wear a couple of days of shorter sleep a week, or take the baby for a few hours in the evening so you can get some sleep in before he goes to bed and do some bits to make the days easier for you before he goes to work even if it's just putting coffee in a thermos and getting some porridge on.

And it's all a really valuable investment, OP, my husband's relationship with our daughter is wonderful and I never have to worry about what would happen if I fell under a bus because whilst they would both be devastated he wouldn't have to try and learn how to look after his own child because he always has!

Will your baby snuggle on DP?
Both of mine spent hours each evening laying on DH in front of the TV. He's very calm and while I would have preferred to be the one just lounging both boys would fuss on me as they smelt milk and I was tired.

Can you go up to bed early, leave baby with DP and then he can bring the baby up later for first night feed?
DH also used to do the early morning wake ups at the weekend so I could have a lie in (after morning feed)
No idea what they got up to. Wasn't tidying but all seemed happy with no screaming

Also fyi if you can get health visitor involved and they feel it's enough of a problem you can get the cmpa formula on prescription, we have for both kids and saved us £££!

Also noticed someone said cranial osteopathy. Worked amazingly for our baby, of course it didn't fix the reflux/cmpa issues but the osteopath said it will just give you a more relaxed baby to deal with the symptoms while you find the underlying issue, and it did make an amazing difference although she was obviously still uncomfortable she wasn't screaming all the time or anything.

It does sound like reflux, which calms down a LOT/ sorts itself out to a great extent as they get bigger. I’d put money on the crying being a lot better even in two or three weeks from now OP if it’s reflux - but that doesn’t help you now and probably seems like a lifetime away, so I would see a GP and go through the symptoms especially the vomiting you describe and the discomfort after feeding / if laid flat. You are instinctively doing lots of the right things, keeping him upright during and after feeds etc. but infant gaviscon can also really help, this can be given at his age and might be worth a try. Good luck, a refluxy newborn is no picnic but honestly past the three month mark a lot of this stuff really starts to calm down and you find yourself with a much happier and more settled little baby!

A really small thing but might help, try playing the Happy Baby Song when baby cries - Imogen Heap, I think? Used to work wonders when mine cried in the car, it's meant to be a bit of a baby whisperer.

I could have written this post myself! I think it was 6-10 weeks that were the hardest. I Just know this is temporary

I found the early weeks so hard when the baby needs you so much and your other half comes in tired from work every day. What I would say is that it was a massive adjustment for both of us. Do keep talking! It took me a lot more than one conversation to get through to my husband what I needed, not because he wasn’t trying to understand but just because life diverged so much for us at that point. Communication is key! Also he found it much easier to interact with our baby once he grew a little older and was more engaging/needed to feed less (I was breastfeeding so obviously only I could do that) and the cues for what baby needed became clearer. Leaving them alone with baby for a good chunk of time helps them to get it too 🤣 Hang in there, it will probably get better. Xx

First time mum to a 5 month old girl here!
8 weeks you are right at the peak of the crying unfortunately - it’s 6-8 weeks. For us it was mostly in the evening and I noticed improvement about 12 weeks and significant improvement at about 16 weeks. She only really cries when she’s tired or hungry now as expected!
I was in your shoes, she would only sleep properly on me during the day but would sleep happily in her next to me crib at night. If we weren’t organised I would end up trapped on the sofa needing a wee, thirsty and hungry so I feel your struggle!
You do need to eat and drink and have a few moments to yourself so your partner really needs to be doing better here. Holding the baby for 30 minutes whilst complaining about the crying isn’t good enough, unless he’s working in the mines all day or has been doing 16 hour brain surgeries, having a day job isn’t an excuse to not help you with the baby - in my view anyway!. The evening is when you can try and get ahead of the next day, making sandwiches, setting aside some snacks on the sofa, filling up a big water bottle,loading the dishwasher etc. My husband did all that for me when he got home so if baby was attached to me most of the day I could feed and water myself the next day, and I don’t think I cooked the tea until she was about 10 weeks old! It doesn’t last forever so the least he can do is put some effort in during the evenings for a while, explain to him how difficult it is to look after everything on your own. Also he needs to bond with your child, 30 minutes and what sounds like no feeds isn’t gonna do that unfortunately, and I’m sure that’s not what your partner would want in the long term.
Aside from that, it does get better I swear you’re just in the thick of it right now. The crying will go down and you can start going out again when he is awake longer and he will be content to be in his pram seeing the world and you can chat away to him and have a lovely nice together - it will come! You’ll come out the other side.
But by any chance have you tried putting him down for a nap in his night time crib? My daughter no longer slept in her Moses basket really quickly. Even though you’ll be a bit confined to your bedroom, you won’t be nap-trapped and might feel a bit more relaxed and you can run down and get a sandwich out the fridge get a cup of tea and have it in the bedroom. Could be worth a shot!
Look after yourself xx

Yes, use a soother / dummy.

Plus what everyone else says about making DP step up.
Give him the baby to hold during mealtimes - why should it always be you holding baby when baby has two parents, not one?
Give him the baby to hold in the evenings while you get some jobs done, or just sit on the sofa next to him.
Don't take the baby back off him. Make it his problem if the baby is crying.
If he puts the baby down and baby screams, tell him "can you pick up the baby please, I am busy".
Don't let him off the hook.

Sounds just like my first and honestly people don’t understand until they have had a baby that actually cries non stop it’s torture and you feel helpless and trapped. it’s so much more than just a newborn that cries because they want a cuddle or feed or a nappy change. Turned out it was silent refill, poor baby was in so much pain, we switched to anti reflux formula around 12 weeks and he was a completely different baby. Don’t get me wrong he still cried sometimes ! But it was for things and he was content for once.
my second was a completely different baby
and I finally understood how some parents weren’t just completely depressed hating their life all the time!
So might be worth chatting to GP/healthvisitor to rule a few things out , don’t just think this is normal.