Husband not allowing daughter’s boyfriend in her bedroom

[Lostgirl81]

My 18 year old daughter has been seeing her boyfriend for around 1 year. The first time she brought him home to meet us, we all had dinner together, chatted a bit and then they went to her bedroom to watch TV. The next day my husband commented that he wasn’t comfortable with them being in her bedroom and insisted that next time he came over that they were only to sit in the living room. I told him he was being ridiculous but he’s very stubborn and refuses to back down on this. I’ve touched on the idea that if he’s uncomfortable with it then it’s something he needs to work on and not penalise them for. He doesn’t accept this. She’s had her boyfriend over a few more times, usually weekly, since then and they’ve always sat in the living room. For information, my husband doesn’t sit with them, in fact he barely talks to them, he goes upstairs and watches TV in our bedroom. Am I being too laid back about this? I was allowed to have my boyfriend in my bedroom at this age, as were my sisters. In fact, on talking to his mum, he was also allowed to have his girlfiends in his room at the same age. What’s everyone’s thoughts?

She is 18 fgs, she doesn't need an invitation.

no, you don’t but you do get at least an equal say, as should your daughter as the other adult in this situation. You implied he is not willing to discuss it or give them a chance to be trusted. That is the issue.

You asked why people kept mentioning it. I was answering you, from the perspective of everyone piling on. I never said anything about it. But you obviously couldn’t work out for yourself why people kept bringing it up so I gave you a reason.

I don’t give a shit that he is a step dad. I do care that he is controlling, so controlling that you can’t talk to him without it being and regiment and him storming up and kicking the lad out.

The problem isn’t that he is a step dad. The problem is that you have described a very controlling man and you’re too scared to stand up for your daughter and have a conversation which he “loses”.

Well no, my daughter and her dad, or our daughter. Obviously.

😂Ok so what reason do you think this loving, doting father figure would have to spend the evening upstairs alone instead of downstairs with his wife, daughter(s) and the boyfriend?

You do realise that ACTIONS speak, right??

Or do you think that someone shutting themselves off away from their family for an entire evening is the behaviour of someone happy with the situation?

Do you imagine he is dancing up the stairs with glee, overjoyed that that BF if visiting?

His behaviour by refusing to sit in the same room is OBVIOUSLY aggressive and he is CLEARLY communicating his anger.

Its a bizarre reaction to the "crime" of DD simply inviting her long-term BF of ONE YEAR into her home to watch tv.

And its not about giving them "privacy" ffs that's EXACTLY what he refuses to give them! And the OP has said she is in the room as well. Stop making stuff up.

In any normal family, if the teens want to watch something on TV they go to their room and the parents stay downstairs - this what this woman wants to do - watch tv in her room with her BF - but dad won't allow it - ask yourself why

And THIS dad can't even bring himself to make "chit chat" OP says he has barely spoken the BF in the year - ask yourself why

I agree with the husband. At 18 my own dd would soon be leaving for university halls. That will be when she will have the freedom to bring people into her bedroom.

I think it’s an important distinction because it helps to emphasize that teenage relationships are teenage relationships, not necessarily something that is going to be permanent.

⬆️ This! ⬆️

Thank you! How my post on what people’s views were turned into me being controlled by a misogynistic paedo husband is mindblowing. This sounds more like what’s happening in our house at the minute. Good to know your husband came round in the end.

So he doesn’t want your daughter and bf to even be alone together in his house so makes them sat downstairs and he goes to his room to watch what he prefers to watch. And they are so untrusted they aren’t even allowed in the house together while you and DH are out. What does that teach your daughter about her dad?

Eventually your daughter will decide life is more normal and she gets treated more like an adult at her boyfriend’s house and she will start to spend more and more time there. He will drive her away.

Then when her younger sister(s) grow up he will apply the same rules to them saying ‘the rules were the same with your elder sister’ and he will drive them away too.

You need to stand up for your children and help him see they are growing up and he needs to change his parenting. At what age does he think it would be appropriate for DD1 and boyfriend to be alone together? When she is married? Or would even that not be ok?

I have to say that from what you have said he comes across as some trad dad who thinks he brings the money home and puts the roof over everyone’s head so he gets to decide everything. Do you work?

That’s not at all how you described your husband or what is happening.

From what I can gather she doesn’t like that he has this opinion but she can’t be bothered to challenge it because it might cause an argument so she’s seems to of agreed to disagree.

Tbh no matter what the situation if one person feels uncomfortable I do think that should be taken into account. They’ve made a compromise of they can sit in the living room which is fair enough is one is uncomfortable

Is he actually "not bothered"? Or just that he hasn't yet worked out how to go about "putting his foot down" about that as well?

That’s not a compromise.

Starting positions were
Him - lad can come over and stay in the living room
OP & daughter - bedroom visits and sleepovers are fine.

Result - lad can come over and stay in the living room .

Thats not a compromise. That’s just him putting his foot down.

A compromise would have been daytime visits allowed in daughter’s room but no sleepovers. The guy didn’t compromise over anything. Unless his starting position was that the lad wasn’t allowed to visit the house at all.

My DS is 16 and his girlfriend (also 16) frequently stays over and sleeps in his room.

This ‘my house, my rules’ thing is madness. My own Dad was a bit like this and did not stop me having sex at all, just made me accept a lower standard of comfort and more dishonesty.

But the fact that he is not even allowed in her room is utter madness.

How does your daughter feel about that? And your husband?

He is not your daughter’s Dad. Her dad died, regardless of how well you say has fulfilled that role. Your daughter has a Dad she was old enough to remember. Slightly off topic but how is he discussed (if at all) in the house.

From the way you speak everything seems designed to make your husband feel comfortable, not your daughter.

No, you just read what you wanted to read and made up the rest. This sounds exactly like what’s happening except that we haven’t sat down and had a conversation with our daughter. You obviously have daddy / man issues and see his behaviour as controlling and misogynistic when really he’s just petrified of our wee girl growing up and doesn’t know how to deal with it.

Succinct and accurate. Dad has made no compromise whatsoever. And mum is too worried about the consequences to discuss it further.

He’s not discussed as he was a waste of space.

Why is this relevant? Are only ‘permanent’ boyfriends (ie husbands) allowed
to be alone in a room in your house?

It’s not Jane fucking Austen.

Jesus give it a rest would you. Do you also have daddy / man issues??

But you said you don’t want to talk to him about it as it will lead to an argument. So this might be what you want to have happen but it isn’t happening so far.

Have you said to him that she’s having sleepovers and sex at her boyfriend’s house or he is totally head in sand about the reality of the situation?

Honestly, this is not good for your daughter. None of it.

Did she have a relationship with him? No 5 year old thinks her Dad is a waste of space, especially one who died.

You literally said he put his foot down, I didn’t get a say, I haven’t talked to him because it will be an argument and he’ll kick the boy out, he doesn’t talk to the lad because he just goes upstairs and watched TV so won’t get to know him.

Thats what you said throughout this thread.

If you think those comments don’t add up to controlling then you’re the one with issues because someone has made you feel that these are all normal ways to behave.

The other poster with a similar issue described a very different man.

This

This is absolutely correct, sorry OP. If you can see that the PP in a similar situation is the correct way to work through these feelings as kids grow up, can you show it to your DH or have the conversation with him that that's what he needs to be anle to work towards? That he can't just continue to treat DD as a child and refuse to get to know her boyfriend?

Living room only (and not even allowed in the house when you're not there) surely isn't a compromise?

Unless DH starting position was that bf is not allowed in the house at all?

@Lostgirl81 bit it is HIS issue to deal with and it is one ALL parents deal with of course we do.

But preventing something like this isn’t dealing with it it is controlling. At best he is letting his discomfort and his emotions control the situation and that isn’t healthy or good for anyone.

He isnt protecting her or respecting her he is infantilising her and he needs to get over it. His little girl is an adult and he needs to come to terms with that and fast