Husband not allowing daughter’s boyfriend in her bedroom

[Lostgirl81]

My 18 year old daughter has been seeing her boyfriend for around 1 year. The first time she brought him home to meet us, we all had dinner together, chatted a bit and then they went to her bedroom to watch TV. The next day my husband commented that he wasn’t comfortable with them being in her bedroom and insisted that next time he came over that they were only to sit in the living room. I told him he was being ridiculous but he’s very stubborn and refuses to back down on this. I’ve touched on the idea that if he’s uncomfortable with it then it’s something he needs to work on and not penalise them for. He doesn’t accept this. She’s had her boyfriend over a few more times, usually weekly, since then and they’ve always sat in the living room. For information, my husband doesn’t sit with them, in fact he barely talks to them, he goes upstairs and watches TV in our bedroom. Am I being too laid back about this? I was allowed to have my boyfriend in my bedroom at this age, as were my sisters. In fact, on talking to his mum, he was also allowed to have his girlfiends in his room at the same age. What’s everyone’s thoughts?

My father in law found me breastfeeding in my own house uncomfortable.
That’s a bad example, for starters it’s in your house

It doesn’t sound like the daughter has a private space because there is no door, maybe the dad is worried he may hear something he doesn’t want to hear

I'm just wondering how long he's going to insist on this regime for?
Given how expensive it is for young adults to move out these days, your DD could potentially be living at home for quite a few years yet (i think you said she wasn't going to Uni). So he's going to have to get used to the idea of them being in the house alone/in her bedroom at some point.

My parents were like your DH. Difference being they were born in the 1920's and I was born in the 1960's. My own DS was allowed to have his GF staying overnight. He was at Uni so she stayed for a few nights the very first time we met her and he brought her home.

IT’S ALSO HER HOUSE.

DH could easily have a conversation which is ‘fine, but I don’t want to hear/know about it so be respectful’

She’s an adult who isn’t allowed a bedroom door.

She can't see it because her first husband was a shithead, so to her, this husband is a Prince.

As you say, she has TYPED controlling, misogynistic behaviours but can't recognise that's what they are - hence defending the Prince. Her head won't allow her to see the truth but her gut is screaming the truth at her - and that's why she started this thread.

Husband has "allowed" a grown woman's BF to sit in the lounge - Wife sees this as a massive win and a tremendous compromise - just shows how low her bar is set and indeed, what a "number" has been done on her.

I am still waiting for OP to report back after suggesting to hubby that DD swaps bedrooms with the younger kids to get a fucking door - but of course she is too afraid to bring this up and knows it will end in an argument.....

Isn’t allowed a bedroom door 😂😂🙈
Bit extreme to say she’s not allowed a door. It’s an attic conversion and due to the set up there isn’t space for one. It doesn’t bother her.

But it does bother her that her boyfriend isn’t allowed in her room.

Again stop making up shit. I never said I was suggesting to him that she swap bedrooms. I said I suggested it to her and she didn’t want to - end of!

She thinks it’s a bit weird but hasn’t actually said it bothers her.

Why did you post @Lostgirl81 ? You’ve defended absolutely every aspect of his behaviour and excused everything.

I completely understand you defending him against the step dad paedo accusations or the fancying his daughter accusations. Of course you did; those are fantasy.

But you raised some real concerns, you talked about the way he is doing this and how it’s a problem…. Then you totally switched and have defended every single aspect of his behaviour. So what is it you posted for? If you think it’s all fine.

You said he put his foot down. You said you can’t talk to him as it will be an argument which you don’t want. You said you didn’t get a say. You said it will end with him kicking the lad out. You said he has made no effort to get to know the boy or try to accept that he is in her life.

Those are real concerns, all typed by you. But when we’ve tried to ask about them or suggest ways to deal with it and talk to him, all you’ve done is say he isn’t doing any of that and defend him over and over.

So, why did you post? If you don’t want to talk about those parts that are actually a problem. Ignore the step dad stuff. Do you want help with these parts?

Doesn't bother her, or conditioned to accept this?

Has she ever had any privacy or autonomy since you moved this man in when she was 6?

You also haven't responded to people saying that this set up is against building regs? Whose idea was it to build a room with no door for your teen daughter?

Maybe sit down, or take her out for lunch, and ask her what bothers her.

I actually only asked if people thought I was being too laid back about allowing her boyfriend in her bedroom. I was allowed, he was allowed and I was surprised when he said he wasn’t comfortable with it. I was only looking for peoples thoughts on if it was something they allow or not. I didn’t expect it to go off on a tangent and basically end with people saying I’m in denial that I’m in a controlling relationship.

Yes we allow it

I disagree that it would be pointless to stop her doing it at home because she'd just do it elsewhere.

Not allowing it at home is sending a message that you disapprove strongly of it. When teen brains are still developing, it's important to convey disapproval and reasons for disapproval. They are still learning and still have much to learn, and parents don't stop being parents and teachers of their kids just because a DC arrives at some magical date on a calendar.

I do not allow vaping or smoking in my home even by people who are much older than teens. If people don't like that, they can lump it.

This conversation has nothing to do with building regulations. She was in a different bedroom and chose to move into this one, it wasn’t built specifically for her.

Stop making out that I moved a paedo into our home and have forced her to live with a bedroom without a door.

So what are you going to do @Lostgirl81 because I think saying to him he needs to get over this and start thinking of her as the adult she is and putting her need to be an independent adult first

That’s all I was looking for.

Yes I think going on the majority of the comments that I’m not being too laid back. We will have a conversation, the 3 of us together and try to work something out.

Well… look at the way you described him. Can you not see why people think that?

You have a fuller picture of him, obviously, he’s your husband. All we have is how you described him here… and that’s what you said about him so what did you think people would say?

If that’s really how he has behaved then it is controlling, over this specific issue. And you really should feel secure enough to challenge him. You are not too laid back, you are not wrong. He is.

Fwiw, I think you are too laid back and your H is right. I think the lad was taking liberties and I think deep down your DD will be grateful that her dad required the maintenance of an off limits space for her in her own home.

I also think a good many posters here are making mountains out of molehills.molehill.

I never allowed BFs or GFs to enter bedrooms and I do not regret that approach at all.

I agree with all of this.

But by not allowing this you are conveying disapproval of a normal healthy adult relationship.

What guidance or modelling are you giving here other than ‘my comfort is paramount’

🙄
There will always be a few stuck in the Victorian era. Just ignore it.

This thread is wild.

OP I had plenty of friends growing up who had an attic room with stairs and no door, not unusual. Plenty of kids share rooms with multiple siblings so why are people focusing on privacy? Many houses have zero privacy and if her daughter didn’t like it I’m sure she’d move out when she could, or ask for more privacy…

re. The boyfriend. I get her dad’s feelings, I don’t think you’re wrong though. She’s 18 now and it’s a difficult transition from child to adult in the eyes of parents, it’s hard to make that shift. Probably just needs a good conversation and maybe a bit of compromise to ease him in to the idea she’s an adult now.

Its baffling that the only thing OP has taken from this thread about her weirdo husband is that her family dynamic is perfect and everyone else on MN has "daddy issues".

I think there is all this schtick about how being a great parent/father is protecting your daughters and somehow that involves no boyfriends and no boyfriends staying over

NO and the above is controlling and isn’t allowing your child to become a functioning adult.

His discomfort is understandable but it isn’t from and centre and needs to be overcome in order to be the parent you say he is to her. She is an adult who is capable of and should be allowed to make her own decisions and here the rub her own mistakes