Husband not allowing daughter’s boyfriend in her bedroom

[Lostgirl81]

My 18 year old daughter has been seeing her boyfriend for around 1 year. The first time she brought him home to meet us, we all had dinner together, chatted a bit and then they went to her bedroom to watch TV. The next day my husband commented that he wasn’t comfortable with them being in her bedroom and insisted that next time he came over that they were only to sit in the living room. I told him he was being ridiculous but he’s very stubborn and refuses to back down on this. I’ve touched on the idea that if he’s uncomfortable with it then it’s something he needs to work on and not penalise them for. He doesn’t accept this. She’s had her boyfriend over a few more times, usually weekly, since then and they’ve always sat in the living room. For information, my husband doesn’t sit with them, in fact he barely talks to them, he goes upstairs and watches TV in our bedroom. Am I being too laid back about this? I was allowed to have my boyfriend in my bedroom at this age, as were my sisters. In fact, on talking to his mum, he was also allowed to have his girlfiends in his room at the same age. What’s everyone’s thoughts?

Because he is wrong. This isn’t about protecting her but you’ve ignored the people who have told you that. He has shown you that it isn’t about protecting her. It’s control and what he wants. That’s all.

He is wrong. And you the trump card. You’re her mum. He isn’t her dad.

You obviously know that an open and forthright conversation with him won’t get you anywhere or you’ve have done it. You said it’ll be an argument and he’ll end up kicking the lad out. So you know he isn’t reasonable. Use your trump card. Be your daughter’s parent.

You can’t be reasonable with unreasonable people.

So he’s just a random man she’s not related to?

But he is her dad! He’s the only dad she’s got and it’s mind blowing that you can’t see that. You just see step dad and think he’s a controlling creep. I assume you have step dad issues of your own?

It is her home as much as anyone else’s and she is an adult in an established relationship. It really isn’t up to anyone else where in the house they go. Has he always overruled you on decisions about your daughter?

Well as he sees it, right or wrong, if it’s in our family house it is his business.

I know they’re young ‘uns but why does he assume this is about sex? Maybe they just want to hang out together and have private (and maybe soppy) conversations without parents overhearing?

I do think however that when two people want sex they find a way, and the configuration of your converted attic wouldn’t be an obstacle. Don’t tell him this. Stick with the romantic privacy argument.

Fucking bonkers on here. She’s an adult, they’re in a long term relationship, what exactly are you achieving by having this rule?

Because as her biological parent, your view is the most important one.
Also from her point of view, I expect.

OUR daughter, she is OUR daughter. I don’t hold the ‘trump card’ as someone said because I’m her biological mum and he’s not her biological dad.

Tbf, you said “my daughter” and “my husband” in your OP.

🤯 We are both her parents, biological or not. Families come in all shapes and sizes in the 21st century and where he has brought her up since she was 6, he is her dad. The only dad she has.

Anyway. At 18, it’s none of his/your business.

My daughter and my husband as opposed to yours 🙄

I’ve not made a single post about hm being her step dad. I didn’t agree with most of it but I can see why it always comes up with a little bit of thinking. You asked why people keep mentioning it, so I explained one possible reason.

I don’t think he is a controlling creep due to being a stepdad. I think he is a controlling creep because he is behaving like a controlling creep.

You keep saying that you’ve allowed him to do this because it’s his house, he gets a say, you don’t want to control him. So then why is he doing this to you? Why isn’t he thinking, “it’s her house, she gets a say and I don’t want to control her.” Why isn’t he sitting down and having a proper chat about this with you and coming to a fair arrangement like daytime room visits but no overnights?

You even said that you haven’t spoken to him because it would be an argument, and he’d take it out on the lad by kicking him out….

You’re describing him as a controlling ogre. That’s why I think he is controlling. Why are you doing all to appease him and respect his position in the house but he won’t do the same for you and have an adult discussion and compromise?

Honestly, I really feel strongly about this. 18+ anyone has a right to a private space. Yes, she can choose to move out "if you don't like it there's the door" but I actually think it's really wrong to force an adult child to get to this point where they have to either forego privacy or leave their home.

This isn't about the DD being able to have sex, although trying to control that would also be insane. It's stopping her from having one of her favourite people, her important support, in her own bedroom. At 18 years old. Crazy.

I and friends grew up with all this "if you're under our roof" stuff and it's batshit. It led to a lot of unsafe situations, poor decisions, and consequences the parents wouldn't have wanted for their kids. In 2025 it's just unacceptable IMO

What’s bonkers is some of the replies I’ve had. I don’t mind them being in the bedroom, husband does. That apparently means he’s a random, controlling, misogynistic step dad whose opinion doesn’t count as he’s not biologically related to her 🤯

You literally said that you haven’t spoken to him because he put his foot down, you didn’t get a say, it will be an argument and then he’ll kick the lad out.

If your daughter came to you and said that about her husband in the future… would you say he was controlling?

FFS! Some of the replies on here are BATSHIT!!!!

I have the same set up as you OP. My DH isn't my eldest daughters bio Dad but he has raised her alongside me since she was 4 and loves her as his own. As far as we are concerned she is OUR daughter. Some of the posters on here calling him jealous and controlling are mental and need to give their heads a bloody wobble.

OP, my DH was the same with our eldest DD when she became an adult and wanted her boyfriend round. He was a bit unsure about it and didn't feel comfortable with it at first. I have always been okay with it as I am of the view that they are adults and we need to learn to trust them.

But as my DH wasn't comfortable with it, it didn't happen to begin with. I would never force something on him that he wasn't 100% comfortable and on board with, as he wouldn't me. We don't operate like that as a couple.

In the end we talked and it was partly feeling protective over her and that he just found the thought of his 'baby girl' growing up and having adult relationships a bit weird. Our DD talked to him about it too. Eventually he softened to the idea, I think once he got to know her boyfriend better that helped too. He then allowed him to go into her room.

Our youngest DD is 19 and her boyfriend is on the way to stay here for the night. He has become much more relaxed over the whole idea now.

Your DD is an adult and unless there is a back story here - she is being treated like a child. Adults have sex and adults have partners it’s a fact of life - how old does she have to be to have her bf in her room? 25? 30?

Eventually they will just migrate to his home or a friend’s house where they can be together and who could blame them. This is not a one night stand they have been together a while. I think your H is being very unreasonable tbh.

Why is it his rules? why do you not get a say?

But your husband listened to you and your daughter, and got to know the boy.

The OP literally said “he put his foot down, I didn’t get a say, I haven’t talked to him because it will be an argument and he’ll kick the boy out, he doesn’t talk to the lad because he just goes upstairs and watched TV so won’t get to know him.”

You described a reasonable family man who listens to other people. The OP has no described a man like that. She has described a controlling man.

Think one can agree with this , although what does the man's wife think about it

I can vouch for that!

My parents did the same...boyfriend not allowed in my bedroom from ages 18 to 21...right up to the day we got married! I also wasn't 'allowed' to go on holiday with him, either...

I sometimes feel like telling my Catholic mother - who I am convinced still thinks I was a virgin on my wedding day - that they stopped jack shit. We had sex in his bedroom at his parents, in the local park, in the local cemetery, at friend's houses, in cars etc.

I got married far too young, mainly to get away from my controlling parents ...as I was also told they'd disown me if I lived with him. Fucking hypocrites they were, as I found out when my father left my mother for another woman less than 6 months later that my mother was in fact 3 months pregnant with my older brother when they married and they'd been living together for a year before that!

Hi OP, definitely some OTT comments on here!
I think your DH should get to know this BF a bit better, interact over dinner, talk to your DD about him.
The fact she stays over at his and has a relationship with his parents is a positive sign. Also remind him she is a young adult and he has to start to give her more responsibility and freedom, just as you and he were allowed at that age.

You’re her mum. He isn’t her dad.

This implies that you don’t think his opinion, as her step dad, matters or is as significant as mine.

We have had a conversation (albeit a brief one) and the compromise was that they spend time in the living room. That may change in time but for now he sees this as reasonable.

Have you asked him why it was okay for him to have girlfriends in his room when he was 18 but not for DD to have a boyfriend in her room?

I think he is just going to push her into staying over at the boyfriend's house more often so will not see her as much.