Husband not allowing daughter’s boyfriend in her bedroom

[Lostgirl81]

My 18 year old daughter has been seeing her boyfriend for around 1 year. The first time she brought him home to meet us, we all had dinner together, chatted a bit and then they went to her bedroom to watch TV. The next day my husband commented that he wasn’t comfortable with them being in her bedroom and insisted that next time he came over that they were only to sit in the living room. I told him he was being ridiculous but he’s very stubborn and refuses to back down on this. I’ve touched on the idea that if he’s uncomfortable with it then it’s something he needs to work on and not penalise them for. He doesn’t accept this. She’s had her boyfriend over a few more times, usually weekly, since then and they’ve always sat in the living room. For information, my husband doesn’t sit with them, in fact he barely talks to them, he goes upstairs and watches TV in our bedroom. Am I being too laid back about this? I was allowed to have my boyfriend in my bedroom at this age, as were my sisters. In fact, on talking to his mum, he was also allowed to have his girlfiends in his room at the same age. What’s everyone’s thoughts?

When you’re under a parents roof what goes on in their house is their business.
I would be uncomfortable if my DD started vaping and decided to start doing that in her bedroom, I wouldn’t allow it. Just because you turn 18 doesn’t mean you can’t respect boundaries and do as you please

What she remembers is going to his house and there being no food in the house but instead a fridge full of beer. Spending the day sat in front of the TV with her dad with a hangover. Yeh, she never went to his again after I found this out. Like I said WASTE OF SPACE.

He’s entitled to his opinion I suppose, but I think he’s being ridiculous. All the more so as he disappears upstairs to watch TV, so unless you live in a great big mansion he’s probably in closer proximity to them up there, than if he stayed downstairs.
I take it his assumption is that if they disappear upstairs they only have one thing on their minds - a view that is seemingly shared by a lot of posters. I disagree. Yes sex is a possibility but I can’t believe that there are many 18 year olds who want to spend the evening chatting to grown ups they’ve already had to make conversation with over a meal.
I can’t remember whether there are other children in the house but if it is just a case of the OP and her husband being there with them I’d be inclined to join OH upstairs and leave them to it in the lounge.

If you truly believed your husband was on this journey of acceptance you wouldn't have posted.

Because in fact the opposite is true, an entire year and he has made no effort to speak to the boy, you're scared to discuss it, if you do he will "throw the boy out"! DD thinks its weird, we all think its weird but all you have done since starting this thread is defend your husband.

As I said earlier, i specifically had a teenage friend whose stepdad behaved exactly this way when she started getting boyfriends at 15/16..... turning boys away from the house, not letting her go on dates..............because he wanted her sexually. They later started a relationship. He'd been her stepdad for years too.

What you described is a jealous, controlling man, sulking (going upstairs) and aggressive (threatening to throw the lad out) JUST BECAUSE AN 18 YEAR OWN WOMAN HAS A BOYFRIEND! Why do you think that is? Because you can rule out "protective" as you said he doesn't give a shit that she shags at her BF's house, or if they went to a hotel or whatever.

Protection? nope cos if he could he would stop her staying with BF as well.

Fatherly concern? nope cos he and you would have a chat about relationships/sex with DD and ensure she was fully educated and ready to commence the adult relationship she clearly wants

Struggling with her growing up? nope, thats already happened and hes known that was always going to happen for the last 12 years hes known her, and its been a year already and hes made no effort

Just because your first husband was shit doesn't mean that your second one isn't a controlling twat.

Why is he getting the final word? Why is he the boss in your house? Is your opinion not as important as his? She’s your daughter and it’s her house too, she’s a literal adult. He’s being weird and controlling.

Oh right so her periods, her personal possessions including diaries, clothing, underwear, sanitary protection, contraceptive pill - they’re all his business as they’re in the family house?

Or is there such a thing as boundaries and privacy?

That’s that what he’s not getting and you’re not standing up to him.

Vaping is unhealthy, addictive and anti-social.

In what way is that the same as being in a loving relationship.

This always seems to be about control and nothing to do with guidance or having a healthy relationship with your adult children.

It doesn’t mean you can’t respect your kids’ boundaries and do as you please.

Whether you like it or not if your DD starting vaping at 18 there’s nothing you can do to stop her and not allowing it at home would make zero difference.

It’s not the same but they both make someone uncomfortable so the reaction is the same not the actual act

OP is having a mare here.

First she states that husband puts his foot down, she does not get any say and she's scared to challenge him because he will cause a massive row resulting in him throwing the boy out.

She then backtracks and pretends she totally could discuss it with him and does have a say, but just can't be bothered.

She then backtracks even further and says that we are all batshit for agreeing that he is the controlling misogynistic twat she has described him as, and that its totally just a tiny matter of him getting used to DD growing up and it will all be totally fine very soon.🙄

Some of these comments are very odd.

At 18, she should be having sex with her partner if she wishes (and if he does!). She should feel comfortable to do that in her own bedroom. Having sex is part of a healthy romantic relationship. Don’t we all want our children to form healthy and fulfilling relationships?

Is his discomfort due to an element of misogyny? If she was a boy, would he have the same problem? Why does he think that everyone should preserve his comfort rather than concede that sometimes people we love do things that we find uncomfortable?

Thankfully my DD doesn’t vape. The point is she wouldn’t be allowed to do it at home, if she chooses to go off and vape elsewhere fine I can’t stop that but I can stop in my house

You can’t really believe this can you?

If she did vape, stopping it your house is entirely pointless as she will just do it elsewhere and spend less time at home. Rather like DD in the OP.

Do we all have to adjust our behaviour if it makes someone uncomfortable?

My father in law found me breastfeeding in my own house uncomfortable.

Admittedly snogging on the sofa in front of him you could argue was a bit off side, but an adult having a guest in their only private space?

I'd tell him to fuck off tbh. She's an adult ffs. It's none of his business if she is having sex anyway.

People just love making up shit on here don’t they 🤯
I’ve never once said I’m scared to challenge him just that I know it will result in an argument which I can’t be bothered with. He’s compromised for now so I can live with that.
I’ve not once pretended I could have a conversation with him, just stated that it’s not something that’s happpened.
I’ve also never described him as controlling or misogynistic just that he possibly is struggling with our wee girl growing up and having adult relationships. You’ve decided he’s controlling all by yourself.
Stop twisting things to your own way of thinking to what’s going on here. Like I said I think you have issues yourself that you need to deal with.

What compromised has he made?

Not started a conversation with him because you ‘can’t be bothered’ with the inevitable argument is being frightened of raising it.

Some couples can discuss things without knowing it will be an argument.

No boys in my room either, but it was the 70's.

That they sit in the living room and watch TV rather than in her bedroom?

No, it’s not it just I don’t want it to end in an argument as I know it inevitably will. I’m not frightened of raising the issue just simply can’t be bothered with the argument. I’m prepared to wait a bit and see if he comes round although he will need to make an attempt to get to know him first.

We can discuss without arguing it just happens to be I know this will result in an argument.

My mum said my dad was allowed in her bedroom (that was the 70’s too) but her wee brother kept coming in to ask for things. She says it was more than likely her dad sending him in 😂

Yes I know she would do it elsewhere but at least not in my house. Vaping is probably a bad example tbh because I wouldn’t like it wherever it was done

But that’s just allowing him in the house. What was his starting position that meant this was a ‘compromise’

Someone really has done a number on you if you think this man is an example of a good, non-controlling man.

I’m sure he is good in many ways, but regarding this he is simply controlling. Not protective, not struggling.

The problem really isn’t him saying he is uncomfortable, it’s the way he is going about it. Sadly a lot of women simply cannot see when they are being controlled. You’ve typed out the controlling behaviour yourself whilst saying “but it’s not controlling.” It’s just very sad.

He even has you thinking that he has compromised by allowing your daughter to have someone over in the living room. That’s an everyday occurrence for most people, not a big compromise or gallant act on his part.