What can I do for/give a 9 y/o DD who doesn’t want to be “left behind” by peers?

[SleepyRooster]

DD is finishing Y4. A gang of her school friends are getting competitive (she feels) about physical development, and using stuff like deodorant etc. She’s not. No sweat or BO at all. DD is slim and active and very much average developer ie periods unlikely til she is 12 or so.
She says herself that she doesn’t want anything she “doesn’t need” ie deodorant, skincare, “bra tops” (her term). At the same time the poor thing feels left out, sad about that, and I wonder if it’s just down to what the other mums are doing ie is it my fault . I’m not into turning my kid into a consumerist mini-woman when she’s 9. Obviously I’m also a tiresome parent who limits screen time etc., has a dread fear of TikTok etc etc. so maybe she’s reaping what I’ve sown.

My question is, is there a “thing” I can treat her to, or allow her, that will make her feel a bit of progression, without us both having to do stuff that makes us uncomfortable? All I have is “home pedicure” which feels lame. I really want to cheer her up!

@SleepyRooster not sure if I'm wide of the mark but rather than lip gloss what about lip balm?

eta; save the bees and all things relating to the ecosystem and biodiversity

body sprays rather than deodorant (the daise ones in the cute bottles might be a good idea)
or a celebrity perfume? Billie Eilish or something
maybe tinted Vaseline tins like the rose one.
Lush hair milk conditioner spray for her hair would be fairly harmless bit a bit more grown up

Maybe a facial cleanser to use instead of soap? She needs to wash her face either way… I would have thought that was better than makeup, but still feels very grown up/skin-care-ish.

No idea what cool brands for tweens are, in my day it would have been body shop. I’m sure there are some brands which are more desirable than others!

I’d say a crop top such as these from H&M. They are racerback so would tie in with her sports vibe

https://www2.hm.com/en_gb/productpage.1260309001.html

and then also some sol de janeiro body spray - this set of 4 minis: contains the one my dd thinks is most popular (number 68) - https://www.sephora.co.uk/p/sol-de-janeiro-cheirosa-perfume-mist-set?curr=GBPcurr=GBP&gclsrc=aw.ds&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=19866604013&gbraid=0AAAAADm1HxHupdk731wNxZmuA5qpp6oDb&gclid=CjwKCAjwvuLDBhAOEiwAPtF0VqcqKTBx64fmAVYg__ch4flXdcz5kPa6rSCqIac3a0lVsvu3Zj7I0xoCtKUQAvD_BwE

If you want anything else, a lip balm such as this - pretty much clear bit of a shimmer - pricey but quite cool

gisou.com/products/honey-infused-lip-oil?variant=50869942026570&country=GB&type=pai&phase=d&utm_medium=cpc&utm_source=google&utm_campaign=%7Bcampaignid&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=20512230863&gbraid=0AAAAAolSMEk-o3fyKf0o7-Pgzlvzk8Vov&gclid=CjwKCAjwvuLDBhAOEiwAPtF0VjYiXOMejXhdqsl97IuTBp68gJcgVCjXbkYe4zfstSfz7-4rASE2XhoCTzkQAvD_BwE

It's nice that you want to cheer her up a bit and other posters have some good suggestions.

"life is suffering" some philosopher said. Her experience sounds like a normal part of growing up. You sound like a caring mum, I'm sure your supportive attitude will help her tremendously through life.

Please remember that some girls do need to begin using / wearing these things at this age. I have taught Yr 3 girls that have started their period. It is a huge emotional roller coaster for them.
We always have the 'talk' about personal hygiene, development etc in Yr 4 but occasionally have younger children (with parental permission) that join the lesson too. In fact, we have made a conscious decision to teach it earlier in Yr 4 due to the number of girls developing earlier.
Has she had this lesson recently?

There are loads of grown up things which aren’t related to body development. Some which have been very popular in our house are:

Sleepovers
Grown up films (carefully chosen! From my teen years)
Adult books (Terry Pratchett are good, as are Agatha Christie- not too many disturbing adult themes)
Being given jobs like mow the lawn for money
Allowed to walk to the park or tescos
Allowed to walk home from school

I also think adventure activities are good for this age - scouts or pgl or summer camps can be good.

Rather than a home pedicure find a salon who does kids pedicures. Me and my daughter (also near 9) do that together in the holidays with lunch somewhere and a little shopping.

sadly my daughter is likely to be an early developer (she has spots already and uses a very gentle face wash and moisturiser for them) and has started to smell so has a deodorant for occasional use. Weirdly she is just not into it all (who h I am grateful for). A number of her friends have their ears pierced and she may request that soon but we will hold off until she can care for them herself.

I find it a bit sad that this sort of competition is happening so early.

My dd is the same age. Her peers are not yet into deodorant or bra tops. But they are definitely more grown up than last year. They like hairbrushes and lip gloss and Taylor Swift style friendship bracelets and Nike pro shorts. If I were to buy her a ‘girly’ treat it would be sparkly lip balm. I’m not yet wanting to buy into the skin care for pre teen trend, so I’m staying away from moisturisers and face washes. We just have a flannel in this house!

HRTFT but what about getting her a period pack for when she does start? I made one for my dd which came in a pretty case that unfolded a bit like a wash bag, and I put some reusable pads, chocolate, clean knickers, a mini packet of wipes, and a note saying something kind. The idea was she could bring it to school and sleepovers just in case.

Summer Fridays lip gloss or sol de janeiro body spray would be a hit with any of the y6 girls. Or Nike pro’s and a baggy T-shirt or hoody.

Oh, this is such a tricky one, isn't it? My heart really goes out to you and your daughter. It's that classic parenting tightrope.,.. trying so hard to do the right thing and let them be kids, but then the outside world and all its pressures come barging in.

Honestly, reading your post, you sound like a brilliant mum. Sticking to your guns on screen time and not wanting to rush her into being a mini-teenager is something to be proud of, not something you should feel you've "sown". She sounds like a lovely, normal nine-year-old girl.
You asked for a "thing" to treat her to, and I get that. something to mark this little phase she’s in, without cthe deodorant and skincare just yet (and rightly so, if she doesn't need it!). A home pedicure is a lovely idea, not lame at all.

But if you want a few other thoughts how about some o these that worksed well for me and my little one

• A "Grown-Up" Date: Just the two of you. Could be as simple as going to a café for hot chocolate and a fancy cake, or maybe to the cinema to see something you both fancy.
• Focus on a Skill: Is there something she's good at, or curious about? Maybe it's horse riding, a climbing wall, a coding class for kids, or even a junior Parkrun.

Ultimately though, the best "thing" you can give her is probably just to keep talking. Acknowledge that you see her friends are starting to do these things, and that it's okay for her to feel a bit left out, but that everyone grows up at their own pace and her time for all that will come.
You're doing a grand job love. This phase is rubbish, but it will pass. Don't doubt yourself.

I took my (small, slightly built and young for her age) DD to Primark and said she could have up to £20 to spend on whatever she wanted.
She chose some hair clips,bands and a brush, nail polish, a little mobile phone bag, trainer liner socks and a cuddly Stitch toy. She's 11. She put photos on her friendship WhatsApp group and it seemed to meet with approval which pleased her!

I’d take her to lush to choose some nice fresh body spray that she can where if and when she feels like. Or even just some nice looking bath bombs or something! I’m pretty sure the larger lush stores do little pamper packages and stuff. You can ask anyone in there to try stuff as well or describe things you’re after and they kind of do a consultation. They’re so helpful and I think it would be a really positive first experience whilst still being a bit bright and child orientated

So kind @mammymaydaythank you

Thank you @Sunaquarius, indeed life is suffering. I may rather try “comparison is the thief of joy”! I think part of this (other than ticking the treat box) is the (two-way) chats one needs to have

Completely agree, especially with the last sentence.
In fact, OP, knowing there are mothers like you (and so many other posters here, included the one I'm quoting) gives me hope and strength to face the same battles when it's time.

My dd is the same age. Things she has and loves (some bought for her birthday):

Sundae shower foam, the birthday cake one (it was on sale in Boots)

Monday shampoo and conditioner, the packaging looks very grown up and fancy but it's reasonably priced, again sometimes on offer in boots and is quite gentle

Lip balms/oils

Body spray

A cherry perfume from zara kids

Jewellery, hair clips, bags - she loves accessorising

What about stuff from lush? My 10 year old loves their lip balms and lip scrubs, they are popular without being overly ‘grown up’.
Nail polish/wee nail stickers so she can have a manicure but again not too grown up.
Hair tinsel is kinda fun and cute.

I wouldn't get her a body spray - why have her breathing in those chemicals everyday at that young age? Lush stuff is just vile IMO - I get a headache from just passing that shop. Have a look at some organic/natural stuff instead especially if you want something like lip balm which is going to end up in her mouth. I also wouldn't get nails done using UV lamps.

I'd stick to letting her choose a few new bit of clothes tbh and building her self esteem with activities and hobbies that aren't related to beauty. Get her doing more things for herself as well if she doesn't already like making her own breakfast/lunch, or baking a cake for everyone, hoovering her room or other chores to earn some money perhaps. I think you sound pretty sensible so no doubt it'll all work out ok!

honestly mine had deodorant (very light ones) before puberty - good practise really
id also give her a spray/perfume and a light cotton bra?

Can you sort her some different friends?
My daughter's school friends are a bit like you describe but her main friends are her dance friends who are nothing like that and if they aren't dancing they are climbing trees and playing with Lego.

What hobbies does she have? It's good to break out of the school friendship bubble

Are you sure she’s not just telling you she doesn’t want things she doesn’t need because she feels you’ll judge her for being a consumerist mini-woman?

I was a late developer, and it was awful - I have a boyish body shape and never developed beyond an A cup. I still carry with me a vague feeling of being somehow unfinished.

Whenever I wanted something to help me keep pace with the other girls my age (similar clothes, hairstyle, a subscription to Seventeen magazine) I got a talk from my mother about how I didn’t want to be a fashion victim, why was I so susceptible to peer pressure, I should be comfortable in my own skin, etc. I’d have been a lot more comfortable in my own skin if I hadn’t stood out like a sore thumb!

But I quickly learned to pretend I didn’t care, and that I wasn’t some shallow bourgeois conformist consumer etc. And secretly yearned for eye shadow, and an off the shoulder dress to wear to the disco. 💃

I also secretly wanted some Judy Blume style rite of passage where my mother took me to buy my first bra. It would have felt good to know she had faith that I might eventually need one - that this was still something we were expecting to happen, and wanted me to be prepared for. Lots of girls who didn’t technically need them started wearing bras when they were 11 or 12 and I got teased a lot for not wearing one, though I’d have died before I told my mother that.

Edited to add: this was in the 80s, so it was nothing to do with TikTok trends (and possibly everything to do with a misogynist spin on 2nd wave feminism where if you wore anything other than dungarees you were considered a contemptible Stepford bimbo)

I’m in the same boat, OP.

My DD (going into Y5) now joins me for some skin care (not daily), which essentially is us wearing our matching head/wristbands and doing a little cleanse/moisturise. We might occasionally pop on a child friendly sheet mask! Bubble is available in Boots and child friendly, and I treated DD to a Summer Fridays lip gloss while I was a way for work last month.

DD has some little sporty crop tops but again, doesn’t often wear them. I think it’s as much about being ready, having those open conversations so that she can approach you when she’s ready. For example in the recent heatwave DD told me she’s feeling a bit sweaty in her arm pits so we bought a Wild refillable deodorant which she’s quite taken with too!

Good luck - it’s tough to navigate, but it sounds like you’re doing a great job.