What can I do for/give a 9 y/o DD who doesn’t want to be “left behind” by peers?

[SleepyRooster]

DD is finishing Y4. A gang of her school friends are getting competitive (she feels) about physical development, and using stuff like deodorant etc. She’s not. No sweat or BO at all. DD is slim and active and very much average developer ie periods unlikely til she is 12 or so.
She says herself that she doesn’t want anything she “doesn’t need” ie deodorant, skincare, “bra tops” (her term). At the same time the poor thing feels left out, sad about that, and I wonder if it’s just down to what the other mums are doing ie is it my fault . I’m not into turning my kid into a consumerist mini-woman when she’s 9. Obviously I’m also a tiresome parent who limits screen time etc., has a dread fear of TikTok etc etc. so maybe she’s reaping what I’ve sown.

My question is, is there a “thing” I can treat her to, or allow her, that will make her feel a bit of progression, without us both having to do stuff that makes us uncomfortable? All I have is “home pedicure” which feels lame. I really want to cheer her up!

Perfume is nice - signature scent and all that?

I would actually open the conversation with how lucky she is that she doesn't have to deal with all that yet. That was my approach with my DS - commiseration that he was about to get stinky and sweaty and hairy and greasy, that it'd last a few years, then start calming down, but to enjoy not having that while he could! Adding that bit of humour to it diffused the anticipation, and then the horror of it all hitting.

Yes, DD has had make up since she was tiny as she does performing arts and uses it for her shows. She also likes giving me "makeovers". She's had crop tops since she was fairly young because she wanted to match her much older sister

She also still plays with Lego, plays hide and seek, loves colouring in and writing stories, climbs trees, does hand stands, loves learning about space....

Sometimes at school you just see snapshots of children and it's easy to assume that a crop top or a bit of lip gloss means they are mini adults. But children are multi faceted.

Something practical that it feels right for her to use now, I guess. The bag suggestion - one with organiser pockets? - sounds good. Is she ready for a “clothes allowance” and choosing at least some of her stuff? That would have made me feel very grown up

I remember this so vividly at this exact age. I would parrot my parents’ views (that girls my age didn’t need things like that) but secretly desperately wanted a crop top or bra to fit in and not feel babyish around my friends. I’d never have dared to ask. I can’t speak for your kid, only the kid I was, but I’d suggest maybe don’t assume she’s telling you exactly how she feels or that she’ll feel confident asking for what she wants. I’d have loved for my parents to take the lead a little bit on stuff like this, I found it all mortifying to speak about!

What about buying her the spritz type body sprays?

They are basically scented water!

Aww she’s 9 and still very little in spite of what social media would have us believe. Cotton crop tops are good especially for getting changed for PE etc. coloured lip balms, body spray etc are nice but honestly don’t push her into being a teenager yet it will come soon enough.

Ugh Y4/5 is when it all starts with girl friendships being weird in my experience, if it wasn't deodorant and bra tops it would be something else.

You said she's active, how about some gym style bra tops and leggings if you want to treat her? Sportswear is big with the teens and pre teens where we are but guess it's different everywhere. And could you encourage some friendships that aren't with that circle over summer?

What I see here is that she might want and not need things. That is why she has used the words she doesn't need them.

I don't want to come off negative but perhaps she feels that you will re-iterate that she doesn't need them, should she ask for something she thinks you won't approve of.

My DD is yr 4 and her friends are all different when it comes to things like this. But I feel that they are now beginning to express themselves. With all things, the more you stifle her now the more likely she is to rebel when she is a bit older.

I take mine into primark or superdrug and let her peruse what she wants. We normally have a budget and more often than not it will be earrings or lipbalm she comes back with. I don't check over her shoulder as I want her to trust her own intuition.

I'm not at all into my looks and I do sometimes wish I had been.

@SleepyRooster your dd has youth, innocence and self esteem. She doesn't need anything more!

Exactly this.

Maybe the little girl needs freedom to have a look around somewhere like primark to see what she actually likes.

Well, you can get some very nice vegetable based soaps, but I can't see the harm in using shower gel. SPF is helpful for more of the year than many believe. Until this summer I didn't start using sunscreen until May, but this year I got burned mid April, and I don't even burn easily. Sunburn and sunscreen aside, a moisturiser with SPF can protect against wrinkles. IMHO a good idea March to November.

@Renamed Excellent idea.

@Twelftytwo I don't think OP is at all judgemental.

Sorry, replied to wrong thread.

Go together to buy or buy some and have it in her room if she wants it.

What a good idea. I was at school when mine started, in a gush and I was caught out.

My SD has just turned 10 and is going into year 6 in September, however for the 18 months her hair has been getting pretty greasy and she's been getting spots/blackheads more recently.

For her birthday I got her a Byoma skincare set, she was absolutely thrilled with it. I really like their branding ethos, which seems to be 'clean, not perfect'.

I don't think it's ever too early to learn how to clean your face and protect your moisture barrier properly!

I think if SD was 'my own' and/or lived here more often we would have started it when she was 8ish, so when she actually showed signs of puberty she would know what to do and already be on top of it.

So maybe start with basic skincare and haircare education.

The silk or satin pillowcase someone else suggested is a nice shout, too. The mulberry silk ones are the best, but the Kitsch brand satin pillowcases are more affordable and decent enough for entry level lux pillowcases.

A body lotion/moisturiser could be a good idea, you can teach her about scent layering with body sprays (the non aerosol ones). No point using a body spray without a decent lotion or moisturised layer for it to cling to, even better if it's a scented moisturiser.

If she doesn't need deodorant, she can still smell nice!

Also, SPF. Another vote for Byoma.

All of this is hygiene and hygiene-adjacent, not really hyperconsumercore stuff.

I think its really normal for there to be a wide range amongst parenting approaches and kids. It’s great you are flexible if your DDS want’s change. My daughter was actually quite disapproving of the friends plastered in foundation and make up and wearing really short outfits. But she has found her own way. She dabbles a bit but is not fixated. She does enjoy a grown up wash and blow dry now rather then a dry trim and that is quite a nice treat for them.

She might not need deodorant but what about body sprays. Its not about smelling bad to need them it can be about wanting to smell nice scents of yourself or a cheap perfume. I know a 9 year old who has lots of random bows and hairbands/bobbles all different colours, does have tinted lip balm. But again thats probably not a need but keeps the lips moisturized can be useful. Maybe a nice bath bomb or something as a treat and nail polish for toes.

At 9 it's not really a bad idea to get her to start using deodorant. I was using it at 8. My brother said she doesn't need that does she? BO just comes out of nowhere she could be at school or out with friends and she notices she smells. Crop tops are ok for that age as well. It prepares them for getting used to wearing a bra.

Lean into the things she actually enjoys and encourage her to hang out with friends who like the same things as her. She’s still a child and she doesn’t need to ‘progress’, whatever that means, for years yet.

I think I would step away from thinking about products and think about the emotional development
I don't think growing up is about using deodorant and body sprays it's about learning autonomy about your body and your likes and dislikes.
Teach her critical thinking discuss why some products are available what role they can play, teach her to not take advertising at face value, teach her how to make informed decision and not take her friends or even yours and her sisters views at face value absorb in the information do reach and reach an opinion of her own.
Then give her opportunities and a small budget to start making decisions for herself. It might be a nicely scented soap for washing with, some spf moisturiser or a lib balm or a hair mask. It might be some new t shirts that make her feel good and more grown up.

I would be praising her for having the maturity to know that she doesn't need these things yet. Your daughter has openly said she doesn't want skincare/bras as she doesn't need them - kudos to her!

My DC is a little older, 10. Very sporty. Her friends are starting to grow up faster and more girly than she is.

I too am reluctant to push older than she needs stuff. But that said as a very sporty child I thought it best to start in good time with the deodorant as I thought it would be good to get into the habit before its strictly necessary. I don't like chemicals so decided on salt of the earth kids in hopes that it would be suitable.

I also bought some sports crop tops, racer back. Which live in the drawer and she can wear them if she wants to, for warmth, under scratchy clothes, or not. Up to her but they are there if needed.

More than that, a degree of extra responsibility to make her feel like she is growing older. What you feel comfortable with is up to you. But in our case it was some extra chores at home, alongside privileges her younger sibling had not yet earned.