What can I do for/give a 9 y/o DD who doesn’t want to be “left behind” by peers?

[SleepyRooster]

DD is finishing Y4. A gang of her school friends are getting competitive (she feels) about physical development, and using stuff like deodorant etc. She’s not. No sweat or BO at all. DD is slim and active and very much average developer ie periods unlikely til she is 12 or so.
She says herself that she doesn’t want anything she “doesn’t need” ie deodorant, skincare, “bra tops” (her term). At the same time the poor thing feels left out, sad about that, and I wonder if it’s just down to what the other mums are doing ie is it my fault . I’m not into turning my kid into a consumerist mini-woman when she’s 9. Obviously I’m also a tiresome parent who limits screen time etc., has a dread fear of TikTok etc etc. so maybe she’s reaping what I’ve sown.

My question is, is there a “thing” I can treat her to, or allow her, that will make her feel a bit of progression, without us both having to do stuff that makes us uncomfortable? All I have is “home pedicure” which feels lame. I really want to cheer her up!

Could you get those cotton bras? They are just a vest but shorterhttps://direct.asda.com/george/kids/girls-underwear-socks-tights/strappy-crop-tops-5-pack/GEM1085209,default,pd.html

I was just going to suggest this.

OP says her DD doesn't want "bra tops."

I have a daughter a bit like this. She has a deodorant (not really needed), just a gentle roll on that she can use as it suits her. She has crop tops that she wears if she wants to. Shes allowed make up - but will always just choose lip gloss and the occasional bit on the face if she's playing. Her skincare is a moisturiser and she has a cleanser in case she's worn the make up. So far, that's been enough for her to feel 'grown up' and fitting in, but she's not gone all in like some of her friends have.

Yep, you’re right, I could offer her a cotton crop top. I mean, it might be a bit weird as she never wears any of the vests in her drawer (apart from for a week in midwinter) as she gets warm easily. Obviously I will buy her a soft bra top the minute she needs any coverage …. but we’re just not there yet.

Some body spray maybe? The Victoria’s Secret ones seemed v popular with DDs friends when the were a bit younger. She loved the lush snow fairy range too.

Nail polish over the holidays? Maybe let her pick some new clothes?

I am sure she would wear moisturiser and lip gloss and scentless deodorant if I encouraged her to, but I really don’t want to. I want to get her those things when she needs them

Clothes shopping is a good call actually. (So obvious!)

Ask her what she wants. I remember being the only girl in my class who did not wear a bra - boy did I feel pathetic!

It is a phase they go through. I have a GS surrounded by 6 footers and without even the hint of voice breaking etc. Torture for the poor lad.

Just be by her side. Tell her that when she feels she needs a bra or whatever she only as to ask - or better still pop a couple of crop tops in the drawer.

OP I was a very late developer (still no idea why, my mum and sisters were different and I wasn’t hugely skinny or anything), didn’t start my periods until I was almost 16! It was really hard honestly looking and feeling like a little girl when my peers all looked “grown-up”. I know this isn’t exactly what your DD is experiencing but this is how it started for me.

I also felt like I didn’t want my parents wasting money getting me things I didn’t need yet but some of that was a feeling that I didn’t “deserve” the grown-up things somehow, and I probably would have liked to have been presented with a bra type vest and some deodorant, nice basic skincare and make-up etc. so I had the option/had these ready for when I did need it (I actually think getting into a basic skincare routine and teaching someone properly how to apply make-up etc. before it’s truly needed is not a bad move, my mum arranged this for me as she regretted that nobody had got her into skincare and make-up when younger, and it’s a habit that’s stuck with me all my life, even though I suspect I have ADHD and am generally bad at building habits!)

I don’t think this is an issue you’ve created at all, it’s just one of those things and I’m not sure anything will make it better (though I’m wondering if you would think about taking her to have her ears pierced or for a make-up class maybe?), but maybe talking to her about how she feels about it etc and reassuring her she’s well within the normal limits of development would be good. My parents didn’t do this with me, even though we’re very close (I wonder if my mum thought if she didn’t bring it up I wouldn’t realise or something that my peers were going through puberty many years ahead of me), and from about age 13/14, I was genuinely really frightened that there was something really wrong with me, that I wouldn’t ever start my periods and that I’d never be able to have children.

I would try and make her feel comfortable in her own skin as much as possible.

Does she have any friends who are also not pubertal yet/ not interested in that stuff? In or out of school, more interested in sports, hobbies etc? I would support her developing those friendships.

I want to get her those things when she needs them

She needs these things when it feels right for her. I have my (now adult - and a mother) DD's first bra saved in a drawer - it is like a ribbon with 2 straps. She wore it because she needed to be like her friends - the fact that she had no tits to put in it is irrelevant.

You must be guided by her, not by what you want. She has to live amongst her peers. It is not about her becoming consumerist - it is about feeling comfortable.

Orbeez foot/hand spa
silk pillowcase for her hair might make her feel more grown up
body spray as someone else said
cross body/hand bag for her for the summer
jewellery
Face roller set or face masks

maybe some of these could work or may not fit in with that your happy to allow but just some suggestions

But when does anybody really “need” lip gloss?! She can enjoy it at this stage of things just as much as later on? I do understand if you’re anti-consumerist but as per my post above I’d suggest letting your guard around this down slightly around pre-teen and teenage girls, it might make all the difference to how she’s feeling and won’t turn her into a raging capitalist!

And yes to clothes shopping!

I think part of it is the horrid pressure on young girls to be into skincare etc, when they don’t need it. Far too young. Instead I’d find interests and clubs for your daughter where she can see another perspective. Maybe Brownies would be different? What about a sport like tennis or anything where being sporty and athletic is key over wearing crop tops and using products. I say that as a mother of a ten year old who does need deodorant she gets BO but other than that she’s not interested in anything else, and neither are her friends.

@Britneyfanthank you for your perspective. I do think this is an emotional and social issue rather than a physical one. I really want our relationship to help her thought this phase. I became so distant from my own mum during adolescence and it never recovered.

At this age and stage mine started wearing scented body sprays. She didn’t ‘need’ it, but she likes nice smells and it made her happy. At nearly 12 she still hasn’t developed much further but still loves her body sprays!

I wouldn’t be engaging in any of it until she asks or obviously needs it.

If it were my DD, I think id buy her some spray (impulse or similar, which was very popular when I was young and now seema to be seeing a revival) and take her with me when I get it nails done and have hers painted, a very light pink or pastel colour. Maybe some very light lip balm. Nothing too grown up, just age appropriate stuff.

What about some nice shower gel/oil or bath products, she needs to wash anyway so it's not unnecessary but letting her choose something for herself might feel grown up. I got my 10 year old niece some soap and glory stuff and she was over the moon (she is probably more like your daughter's classmates though), I don't have a tween daughter but I do have a soon to be 7 year old boy whose friends all seem to have tablets and consoles and we don't give him those things so I get the tension between wanting them to fit in but but pushing them to grow up.

@newnameI had the same thought - which are the friends who aren’t pushing this agenda? Because they aren’t all. She seems a bit caught in one small school clique who are.

not to say I shouldn’t still help her feel progression. Just not in kneejerk reaction to these other girls

The thing that immediately springs to kind is whatever the fashionable version of impulse body spray is. It's not deodorant, so not fixing a 'problem' she doesn't have yet. But it's something she can join in with with her peers, have in her school bag etc.

Nobody needs body spray and lip gloss but if she uses it once or twice then she might feel happy knowing what the other girls are talking about. They aren’t going to know if shes wearing it every day or not. A lot of cosmetics trends and just for fun - if it were just practical then everyone would use the cheapest stuff rather than on trend brands.

Would she like her ears pierced? I think I was around that age when I had mine done and it was quite nice to wear different studs and earrings.

Lip balm rather than gloss? One with an spf is probably a good thing for her to use anyway. I've got a 3 pack for me that we're spf and flavoured, 8yo DD keeps nicking them!