What can I do for/give a 9 y/o DD who doesn’t want to be “left behind” by peers?

[SleepyRooster]

DD is finishing Y4. A gang of her school friends are getting competitive (she feels) about physical development, and using stuff like deodorant etc. She’s not. No sweat or BO at all. DD is slim and active and very much average developer ie periods unlikely til she is 12 or so.
She says herself that she doesn’t want anything she “doesn’t need” ie deodorant, skincare, “bra tops” (her term). At the same time the poor thing feels left out, sad about that, and I wonder if it’s just down to what the other mums are doing ie is it my fault . I’m not into turning my kid into a consumerist mini-woman when she’s 9. Obviously I’m also a tiresome parent who limits screen time etc., has a dread fear of TikTok etc etc. so maybe she’s reaping what I’ve sown.

My question is, is there a “thing” I can treat her to, or allow her, that will make her feel a bit of progression, without us both having to do stuff that makes us uncomfortable? All I have is “home pedicure” which feels lame. I really want to cheer her up!

There's a company called spots and stripes that do skin and body care for pre tweens, it's formulated for that age group but maybe face wash, body wash, fancy sunscreen or even a basic moisturiser might be nice and won't mess up her skin like adult or teen brands would.

Handbag or purse)

Can I just say you sound like a good mum. And as someone who still ran around in just my undies to play under the sprinkler (grew up in Australia) up until the age of 9, her friends wearing bra style crops and deodorant etc just sounds way too old for their age to me. Guess we Al have a different level of what we think so normal or appropriate. I would just say everyone develops differently and at their own pace but if there was something she thought she needed we could go shopping together for practical things. Tbh I absolutely hate the idea of taking young girls to nail salons, extravagant shopping etc and it sure won’t be something I’ll be doing with mine.

i think you need to buy these things so she can have them when she needs them without needing to ask.

I had no one to guide me as a 12 year old who didn't need a bra, have periods or any body hair. I wish my mum had taken an interest in my development. I was very embarrassed by my supposed class mates when they were talking about these things and I had nothing to add. Teach your kids about this stuff.

If she’s expressing she doesn’t want things she doesn’t need, she might be being honest, but she might also be secretly hoping for them. Try and find out if she really does want these things, or not.

You could go down the route of getting her something that’s not related to her hair/skin/body, but something that makes her feel grown up. I’m thinking of something she’s ’finally old enough for’. A bank account with a debit card to be in charge of, a later bedtime, fancier stationery (paints, pens, etc), a nice watch or ‘fancy’ bracelet, some other more grown up seeming version of something she’s actually interested in.

Girls her age often like bizarre things that seem grown up to them and make them feel really chic. I know a little girl that has really gotten into sitting with her own teapot of fruit tea whilst she reads her novels in an armchair. 😂

For skincare, DD liked the Sephora Advent Calendar when she was a tween. The sample products (face masks, nail polish, glitter powder etc) are small enough to give them a few goes and decide if they want to continue. I’m sure they have makeup palettes that bridge the gap between dress-up and serious makeup. Pupa brand springs to mind.
For clothes, brands like Adidas do crop tops that can be underwear or sportswear so no need to be embarrassed in the changing room. Or just have a Primark/Accessorize day out.
If she’s pencil case mad, maybe a mini perfume roll-on tube or some squeezy tubes of lipgloss in there would be fun.

At 12 DD had a self-care pencil case in her school bag with sanpro, tissues, travel deo spray, plasters, aspirin and spare nicks just in case. Nowadays there would be period pants. Her friends knew she could help them out. But OP’s daughter has an older sister to set her right.

Not sure how you'd feel about this OP, and it's only a short term fix - but what about getting her nails done for the summer? A new hair cut? Tinted body lotion - something relatively simple that could boost her confidence short term?

My Dd is the same age. She is skinny and a competitive swimmer. Slightly above average height, but I don't think you'd describe her as tall. Up until a couple of weeks ago I was thinking/hoping puberty was a way off. She then told me she had started to get a small amount of pubic hair, so honestly you really don't know when these things will start.

She doesn't have breast buds and hasn't started smelling yet. We made the decision to get her some Salt of the Earth deodorant. She isn't currently using it, but it's there if she does start to get smelly. It's natural, so if your daughter did want something to fit in? I certainly won't be bothering with bra's until she needs it, but then she hasn't shown any interest.

I'm a teacher and was so sad to see some (not all) girls whip out a beauty bag with all kinds of unnecessary nonsense in it. But your daughter sounds like she has a sensible approach to it.

What about an SPF moisturiser? That way it serves a purpose. Maybe an age appropriate cleanser and a lip balm.

Yes this @SleepyRooster and in fact I’m sure I saw Impulse somewhere. I think Avon does a pump-spray version of something like it in a load of gentle fragrances.

Good grief. Children of 9 do not need and should not go to a "make-up class"!

My dd loves shopping in Lush and Body Shop at that age - pick some gorgeous smelling bath bombs or a bar shampoo and a lipsalve. Make sure she doesn’t have a little girl hairstyle. Chuck in a few scented pump body sprays , a hair towel.

My dd is a later developer - just starting to get hips and boobs age 15. Being tall, slender and flat chested has its perks but at 5’6 she needs adult clothes sizes which do assume a chest exists even if you’re a size 6. I have shopped around so she has plenty of lightly padded bra tops and same for swimwear. I only started buying these age 12, didn’t make a thing of it; but dd got very cross recently when I bought an unpadded sportswear bikini so she is obviously conscious of it.

My dd has never got into makeup and has the most beautiful complexion and naturally perfect brows, lashes and lips so she has easily got away with it so far. She has a set of “natural” friends too - all beautiful like the girl from the Lego friends set I often think!

God i wish people would get their kids off the internet!! Girls of 8 &9 should be completely oblivious to skincare etc.

Lip gloss is just a bit of fun. Can you let her have a fun fruity flavoured one?

I totally understand wanting to avoid "grown up" things that are focussed on looks/appearance, instead can you offer up things that are more about having some "grown up" privileges & responsibilities - can you send her to a local shop running an errand for you, or let her stay up on a saturday night to watch something a bit more grown up on tv with you?

(I actually think getting into a basic skincare routine and teaching someone properly how to apply make-up etc. before it’s truly needed is not a bad move

Hint - its never truly needed. Im 40 and have managed fine my whole life wearing very little makeup and not really doing skincare. I was with soap and only occasionally use a basic moisturiser if my skin is dry.

I'm really surprised by this thread, my dd has just finished year 4 and most of the girls in her class are more interested in labubus and cartwheels than bras and makeup, some of them have only just turned 9!

I definitely see dd wanting more independence and happy to give this as I think this is what instils confidence.

What I have taken from this thread is a reminder to offer certain things rather than wait for them to be asked for, it's brought back memories of asking my mum very sheepishly for deodorant in year 6 and her saying "you don't need that yet!", and I didn't really but everyone else had it. It made me feel so silly and embarrassed.

So I'll definitely ensure to mention these things in passing more to dd in case.

This has been really interesting to read as a mum with the opposite point of view of not wanting my DD (age 10, just finishing Year 5) to be left behind her peers. At the moment, none of the girls in her class seem to be into more ‘grown-up’ / tween things, and her friends definitely aren’t, but I know this is likely to change over the next year.

DD seems young for her age in some ways, is probably babied a bit as she’s our only child, is quiet and shy (as I was), and we think ( and her teacher agrees) she may have some neurodiverse traits. All of this combines to make me aware that she may need some support in fitting in with her peers. She can also be stubborn and resistant to new things, so I’m thinking that now is the time to introduce the idea of a skincare routine using age-appropriate products, rather than waiting until puberty. It’s been really useful to read through the suggestions here.

I’m aware that some of this might be my own feelings about never fitting. I still remember the awful feeling of not having the right things (clothing/ accessories) at secondary school, and this was in the 90s when things weren’t so consumerised. We only had magazines like Just Seventeen to compare ourselves to, not instagram influencers! Even now I don’t really follow fashion never really learned about makeup beyond my teens, and feel out of step sometimes. I know lots of people will say things about not needing to change/ finding your own tribe etc, but I think that a bit of fitting in as you navigate the early years of secondary school is helpful.

My mum was very strict about not buying things I 'didn't need' - we didn't have a lot of money, so this is understandable looking back. However, it meant I was still wearing vests when I was in years 7 and 8, when all my friends had crop tops and bras. I still don't need a bra now, in my 40s, so my mum wasn't 'wrong', but I did feel sad and self conscious about it. And I knew I couldn't make a fuss because we didn't have much money!

So if money isn't an issue, I'd let her get some crop tops (she might wear them a couple of times and get bored), plus some nice shower gel, face cleanser etc. Some nice body spray or perfume.

(I eventually got a couple of crop tops from a friend who starred needing proper bras - I was so happy 😄)

Buy Next crop tops, they are flat and look nice. Lipbalm, spf moisturiser and spray.

Buy Next crop tops, they are flat and look nice. Lipbalm, spf moisturiser and spray.

Your older daughter’s not wrong! Whatever you decide, please don’t make it look like a direct response to what these other kids (and their mums) are doing. You do you and encourage your daughter to do the same. Face rollers and masks? Ridiculous. Her sports and hobbies sound great, far better for her health and character than spending hours being self obsessed in front of the mirror worrying what other people think.
So many people are teaching their daughters that they need to never be satisfied with their appearance which is crazy.

Next time you’re in M&S maybe have fun trying some of their own brand perfume together and treat her to her favourite. They do sets of minis too. Could older Dd take her clothes shopping if you gave them cash? She sounds great as she is.

Update - we went shopping.

After a few more chats, we agreed to get an antiperspirant deodorant (chose a refillable one with her in Boots), as it was a hot day yesterday, and indeed she was a bit sticky (although just as sweaty on her head as in the pits!) . She was thrilled.
We also ordered her cotton crop underwear from M&S, just in case she wants to wear on days she changes for sport with other kids. She was also v happy about that.

Finally, we agreed that if she starts a convo: “I feel a bit embarrassed to mention this but…” that this would be an immediate alert to me (usually the dismissive, distracted type of parent) that she needs to discuss something important

That said, given she’s 9 I’ll definitely be taking the tips on this thread around paid chores/ responsibilities etc ahead of the fragrance/skincare stuff. Maybe also the Swiss Army knife!

Sounds like you have had a good few days. It's useful to have a phrase for I need you right now too
Hopefully it's a conversation that you can keep coming back to over the next few years and as she transitions into preteen and teen. The open communication should put you in a good position