What can I do for/give a 9 y/o DD who doesn’t want to be “left behind” by peers?

[SleepyRooster]

DD is finishing Y4. A gang of her school friends are getting competitive (she feels) about physical development, and using stuff like deodorant etc. She’s not. No sweat or BO at all. DD is slim and active and very much average developer ie periods unlikely til she is 12 or so.
She says herself that she doesn’t want anything she “doesn’t need” ie deodorant, skincare, “bra tops” (her term). At the same time the poor thing feels left out, sad about that, and I wonder if it’s just down to what the other mums are doing ie is it my fault . I’m not into turning my kid into a consumerist mini-woman when she’s 9. Obviously I’m also a tiresome parent who limits screen time etc., has a dread fear of TikTok etc etc. so maybe she’s reaping what I’ve sown.

My question is, is there a “thing” I can treat her to, or allow her, that will make her feel a bit of progression, without us both having to do stuff that makes us uncomfortable? All I have is “home pedicure” which feels lame. I really want to cheer her up!

A body spray? Lip balm? Something from Accessorize kids section? You could have a mini shopping trip in the holidays.

Going off my y5 DD:

Dr PawPaw lipbalms are popular and not too grown up

They all live in Nike Pro shorts. Expensive but on cost per wear they’re practically free 😆DD would like Nike socks if I would buy them (I won’t)

Bubbl moisturiser?? Hate suggesting moisturiser for a y4 though, I’m sure she doesn’t need it

They all have/want Sol de Janeiro 🙄🙄🙄

@goldfishyou sound very similar to me in outlook, and indeed DD does do Brownies and a ton of sport. However - at school the girls obviously have various interests and pastimes, and the stuff focussing on appearance/development seems to really be bothering her. They just had PSHE lessons on periods which has brought this into focus too.

I actually have an older DD who is a young teen - tho she is very independent minded, tomboyish, so all the conversations were the other way around. They’re both different so am trying to adjust my approach to each

Don’t feel the need to push or encourage her to use anything she doesn’t need.

explain to her that things like deodorant serve a purpose and she doesn’t need to use it yet as she doesn’t have the hormones causing her to be smelly!

There are still self care things she can use to make her feel pampered like lip balms, nail varnish, candles, new pjs etc.

All of the obsessiveness from young girls is from being let on TikTok and I think it’s absolutely awful. You’re doing the right thing by not letting her follow the crowd like a sheep.

What about a “proper” manicure or pedicure? Ask her what she wants.

Mine liked a "make your own perfume" set at that age. And she liked making bracelets either from loom bands or bead sets or clay beads. She liked listening to "fun kids radio" which is on dab or their website. She liked making smores on the camping stove. She liked mixing up her nesquicks to make flavour blends. Just ideas for how you might find opportunities to connect x

@pompomI like your ideas, thanks.

I just asked older DD what I should do. “She should drop those friends” Harsh!

@hollyhock,I did ask her for ideas but she couldn’t suggest anything. It may be she’s too embarrassed to say. Or just a bit confused by the whole situation?

If she feels she needs something to 'show off' to the other girls:
New, slightly more 'teenage' haircut at the hairdressers?
Fashionable trainers (esp. if she can also use them for sport)?
TikTok-famous water bottle?

On your shopping trip, work out what all the fashionable shops are and gradually buy one thing from each (when you are replacing basic t-shirts etc) so you build up a collection of "the right" carrier bags, then she can use a different one every time she needs to take something into school etc.

I'd also recommend reading the Lottie Brooks books - they are funny diaries "written" by a girl going into Year 7 - but have a strong thread of "what do I do if some of my friends start acting like teens - and I'd sort of like to too - but inside I still feel the same as I did in primary".

Some “grown up” hair stuff? My mum got me some nice shampoo and conditioner, hair mask, and heat protection spray around this age. I wasn’t straightening my hair or anything, just for when I dried it. It was a good habit to get into as well, since I did start heat styling my hair a few years later as a teen. Also an SPF is a good shout, a face one for her to put on in the morning. If you really want to, get her a spray one as well for top ups. Again, it’s a good habit to get into and this way you’re focusing on building good habits over being a “grown up”… which ironically is more grown up than a training bra and will serve her better.

I think i read the 'memo' really differently! Growing up things I can think of are Terry Pratchett- type books, collectable figures (vs toys), a house key, sterling silver / 17ct gold necklace, DMs (doc martens, not social media), going to a 12A film with you, fancier food

@raysani hear you. All those things are so much more familiar to me. DMs were the standout purchase of my teen years! Jewellery (a chain, bracelet ) is a good shout. She actually takes care of her belongings quite well, so it could work

Same, but times change. Always have and always will.

I agree😁 Honestly, there's no point trying to be interested in something you're not. Is there another sport she can pick up where she can focus on being strong etc?

Lip balm, body spray, jewellery.

Also, I'd recommend a big chat with her about her friends and that those who shout the loudest about stuff tend to be making it up. My DD is just finishing y4 and is the other end of the spectrum. She has as much pubic hair as an adult, she has breasts that need more than a starter/first bra, she is head and shoulders taller than most of her friends and she is embarrassed about all of it. She hates being the only one wearing a bra, she smells like a mens locker room if she doesnt wash twice a day and use deodorant. She is self conscious about her pubic hair being visible particularly when changing for PE or swimming, girls make comments about her body hair all the time and she finds it all really hard to deal with. She is essentially a 13/14yo girl with a 9yo brain.

Can you take her to a great hairdresser for a good cut? And buy her nice shampoo and conditioner and a hairdryer? I think a great hairstyle is fine at any age.

Please don't get her cosmetics and perfume. She really shouldn't be using anything but soap and water at her age - it's really, really not good to slather her skin in chemicals.

If she hasn't asked for anything I'd listen. Let her be a child for longer. I'd probably agree with your other dd. It's about finding people you do fit with. Having said that my late developer liked having her ears pierced around this age.

This comment makes me pause. I agree that “she lives among her peers” and I don’t. But I do actually want to influence her, if I can, into questioning the status quo. And that includes not going along with conventional pressures young girls have to face. My mum, for all her mistakes, gave me Germaine Greer etc when I was a teen, and that was huge (in a lifelong positive way)

Why are you posting to ask then? 🙄

Why not some shower gel from Byoma or another brand popular with teens? And SPF moisturiser.
Everybody needs shower gel and SPF moisturiser, and it means she can feel included when her friends discuss skincare.

I treated my daughter to a few of these products from spots and stripes when she was 10/11- they are more child friendly without feeling really consumerist/old for her and all her friends were getting into cosmetics etc. She still uses the aromatherapy sprays for sleep and for mental clarity now even though she has moved on to ‘proper’ brands now she is 12/13 like La neige, summer Fridays, Sol de janeiro and Byoma.. and will quite happily spend all her money on these- so I’m sure as you say it will come when it’s ready!!. https://www.spots-and-stripes.com/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=22253252280&utm_term=spots%20and%20stripes&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=22253252280&gbraid=0AAAAACcJoYcbxzileeBaY_jIjoBolVxTS

Some of her friends might not be making it up that they need some of that stuff. My dd is 9 and in year 4. She’s just started getting breast buds and wears a crop top under her school top because the school top rubs on her nipples and makes them sore. She is very sporty and can get a little whiff of BO if she’s got hot and sweaty so she has a very mild roll on with no deodorant. She gets dry skin on her face so has aveeno moisturiser.

she has asked for more in the way of skin care but I’ve said no. She has a little eyeshadow set she likes using if we’re going out and some perfume. She loves putting those on if we go out because she feels so grown up.

she also plays with Barbies and loves imaginary play. Lots of her friends are like teens already with the skin care and the Tik tok stuff so I do get where you’re coming from. My DD is quite young compared to some of her friends.

I found that DD started asking to have “bras” (actually stretchy crop tops) when she was about 9, but more from desire to be like more well-developed peers than anything else (she certainly didn’t need them at that age). She wore them for a couple of weeks, and then they quickly got consigned to her drawer again for being “uncomfortable”! So you might want to get your DD some just so she feels she could wear them if she wanted, even if she doesn’t really wear them much in practice.

DD eventually started wearing them again in Y7 when she actually started getting some breast development. Actually all the young teenagers seem to wear crop tops or stretchy bralettes anyway — they’d need very developed breasts for a proper bra.

I also got DD some spots and stripes face cleanser around that time, which she used sporadically - but again, it was more like being able to say she did have some was grown up enough, whether or not she actually bothered to use it!

I'd get her a little cross-body bag with a kid-fashionable lip gloss, body spray and nail varnish in it. Just having that might make her feel like she has the same things as her friends. She doesn't have to use them regularly.

Ears pierced? Body spray? Facial suncream?