What can I do for/give a 9 y/o DD who doesn’t want to be “left behind” by peers?

[SleepyRooster]

DD is finishing Y4. A gang of her school friends are getting competitive (she feels) about physical development, and using stuff like deodorant etc. She’s not. No sweat or BO at all. DD is slim and active and very much average developer ie periods unlikely til she is 12 or so.
She says herself that she doesn’t want anything she “doesn’t need” ie deodorant, skincare, “bra tops” (her term). At the same time the poor thing feels left out, sad about that, and I wonder if it’s just down to what the other mums are doing ie is it my fault . I’m not into turning my kid into a consumerist mini-woman when she’s 9. Obviously I’m also a tiresome parent who limits screen time etc., has a dread fear of TikTok etc etc. so maybe she’s reaping what I’ve sown.

My question is, is there a “thing” I can treat her to, or allow her, that will make her feel a bit of progression, without us both having to do stuff that makes us uncomfortable? All I have is “home pedicure” which feels lame. I really want to cheer her up!

@ByGreyWriterI don’t understand your suggestions, can you clarify? Maybe you are thinking of a slightly older child? In terms of freedom, at this age I have to also consider her feelings of safety, and comfort with reasonable boundaries

I have a 9yo dd and also a 12yo dd, though my 9yo’s friends are not fully into grown up stuff yet, they are just starting to be interested. By contrast, my older dd very much needed a bra at the end of y4 and also was already shaving her underarms, so normal is quite a wide range! At the end of y7 many of her classmates still aren’t wearing bras.

some of the things we’ve done recently:

• she wanted some more fashionable clothes, so we bought a few skorts, tiny shorts, cropped t shirts (new look 9-15 is great for this!)
• she’s just had a white fox hoodie as a gift for her hard work/successes this year (her choice)
• she has some crop tops, had them for a while but mostly hasn’t worn them (just starting to need them)
• she has some skin care and body sprays, we don’t really encourage this it’s just gifts and she bought a bubble moisturizer with her birthday money to copy her big sister

I have an 11 year old who is the same! Just in the last year she has started to ask for the skin care etc that her friends are in to…only just started to wear crop tops in the last year too, despite going in to secondary school this year.

We started off with the refill deodorant too - she has seen it on kids YouTube and was really pleased. She has now progressed to a very basic skin care routine of SPF and moisturiser and a cleanser. Likes buying things for her hair too - which she actually uses and needs because she has very curly dry hair.

She isn’t as comfortable in fashionable clothes as her friends so we shop for things that are in the middle - comfy but also a little trendy. Trendy trainers are her “thing” as she feels more comfy in them.

She is very much her own person with a sprinkling of trends - but only a little!!

Im not in to rushing things - she has barely any boobs so no need for a bra, she has no spots so no need for skin care with any active ingredients etc.

What I would say is not to push ideas around consumerism and skincare generalisations based on our generation. My daughter is nearly 11 so a little older and is very sporty - plays for a local football team, member of a swimming club and a dance club that regularly does shows and loves music too. She’s very arty and loves reading and creative writing. She recently won a highly coveted school award based on being a role model and kindness and is a house captain.

But …… she loves skincare too - Sol de Janeiro body butters and sprays, p Louise lip balms, summer Fridays lip balms, elf tinted sunscreen. As do all of her sporty, bright, lovely kind and feminist friends.

She wears crop tops under her uniform (more for nipple coverage I think).

Clothes wise she likes Nike pro leggings and tops and nice trainers.

Fads other than those tend to be - labubus (fake teddies tied to your bag), satin hair caps to keep hair from getting knotty when sleeping, fidgets, Jellycat teddies and this year football cards.

Trust your daughter. See these things as a little social currency to help her along and to navigate conversations and trends.

my daughter is still the kind feminist girl she always was but now has some lovely hobbies/pastimes to mix in with the more academic/sporty ones.

the vast majority of her year are into these things and I honestly think it would be a lovely thing for you to help her along with. It doesn’t matter in the fundamentals of it all but if you want to stay close and immerse yourself in her world then I think it’s a lovely thing to be asking about and you sound like a lovely caring mum :-)

Just to add. I was a small 10 year old, no breasts( they never grew very big) with no signs of puberty when my periods started. My mother was totally shocked as l had an older sister..12 who was much taller with breasts and all signs of puberty but didn't get her periods until 14.
So never be sure they won't come early. Have a drawer with everything she needs and make sure she is prepared with assurance it may not happen for years.
I was working at an overnight camp when an 11 year old got her first period. I was so impressed at how her mum had prepared her so well. She had everything she needed and knew how to use them. After chatting to her mom on the phone she decided she didn't need to go home. She was all set. Preparation is everything.

Oh aye, acne and blackheads just don't exist in reality, do they? All made up by bougie skincare brands... 🙄

I got them early, and badly, and it ruined my self esteem until my mum finally found me a proper skincare routine which cleaned my skin and fixed my moisture barrier, at age 15. At which point I had scarring and had spent years dealing with having a painful and irritating skin issue on my face.

My SD has literally just turned 10 and her skin is really congested and she's getting spots, her mum also had bad skin as a teenager and young woman, and resorted to wearing shit loads of make up to hide it. As did I.

A proper gentle skincare routine (cleanser, toner, moisturiser) + SPF can be very important. My skin went from awful to bright and clear after about 6 - 9 months of having a proper routine, and I stopped caking the make up on. It made a world of difference to me.

Your comment is extremely ignorant, and arrogant. Nobody is suggesting retinol.

Sunglasses? Long term investment, to protect from cataracts, but also can make a girl feel cool and grown up. So not kiddies style, but a designer-ish one.

I Love the sound of this little girl. 😁

I think the reality is that it’s just that girls develop at different stages. And as they approach the beginnings of puberty it becomes more and more important to them to feel they ‘fit’ with their peer group which is part of the stage of development as over time their focus shifts from their parents to their friends. The ones on the other end of the scale and developing faster likely feel ‘different’ too. I think explaining that puberty happens at different times for everyone and that’s really normal and that when it happens it’s at the right time for their body is really important. But in the end it levels out. showing that understanding and empathy of how important it is to them ‘to fit’ with their peers is also really important through this stage but equally is explaining we don’t have to be identical to ‘fit’. That understanding is as important as the treat as they go through puberty - help her understand what’s happening and why she feels the way she does. As you might find this is just the beginning of these comparisons (in my experience quite a few years down the track with my own DD).
the skincare - my own dd is allergic to most skincare but has a really natural brand and very basic routine and none of the brands her friends do as a teenager. But the best skin of the lot of her friends! Skincare is just a ‘thing’ but they’re mostly collecting brands and the goal of nice skin gets lost in that as it’s generally products too harsh with the acids and the etc that is too much for young skin. I’ve been trying over time to chat to my daughter about it being the skin that’s the goal not the collecting of brands which helps! Now her friends are coming to her several years down the track asking her what skincare she uses as they’re slowly starting to realise!
the treat I would say is personal to your daughter - maybe its something to make her feel grown up but from what she’s saying to you maybe it’s actually the thing that the kid rather than the pre teen in her is wanting to do but probably not speaking up about because she’s so desperate to fit in! At this age I think it’s the beginnings of one foot in pre teen phase and one in little girl phase - letting them know it’s fine to be both and still be that little girl when they need to be is really really ok. For years my dd was still playing with her my little ponies (with a promise from me no one would ever know), that she needed as she navigated this new world! Hopefully that makes sense - the gift is just Whatever she needs for her to nurture that piece of her - which to me sounds like the little girl in her rather than the pre teen. Reassure her she can indulge in who she actually is not who she thinks she needs to be - and for as long as she needs she can be both! Whether the outside world sees that or not so she feels she’s keeping face if she needs to.
my DD is almost 13 now and this has really helped her through these years so far. She knows she can be little still when she needs to be and she still comes to me and says ‘I just need to be small today’ and weve done something nostalgic to nurture that bit of her. It builds her up and she goes back to her more grown up world! It seems to work xx

This. Some actual self-care skills - body brushing/body moisturiser, how to do a hair mask/deep conditioning treatment, yoga nidra/meditating/ bullet journalling/ planning & preparing a meal,

I could go on with budgeting, cycling proficiency and bike maintenance, DIY etc but I'm not sure that hits the spot now. Although might she want to mix up her bedroom decor a bit? (I wasn't much older than her when I helped my mum paint my bedroom so learnt about sanding, cutting in, paintbrush care. Could have done a mood board easily these days)

Ps - I used teen cleansers on my face that were just too harsh and im sure that messed up my otherwise great skin for a while.

I was another late developer - no periods or bra till I was 14.

I don't think buying crop tops is the solution - they're not bras, your daughter knows this, all her friends will know it too.

I suggest you work on her self esteme - show her how great a 9 year old she is, clever, brave, sporty whatever. She needs to enjoy being herself now, not feel she's in purgatory waiting for life to start with puberty. Being content with the life you currently have is a great life skill - so much better than always waiting for things to change for life to be satisfying.

Happiness shouldn't be based on something happening in the future - once I have boobs, once I have a boyfriend, once I get that promotion etc.

@CremeBruhlee I really like your description of ‘social currency’ for keeping up with trends and fashion. It’s a good way of describing how being aware of current trends can assist with friendships, especially at around this age when girls can be developing at different rates.

Not sure why a previous poster has mentioned skipping a year of school - besides not really being a thing here in the UK, surely it would make things worse to be in a class full of girls who are a year older than you and more likely to be more developed?