What can I do for/give a 9 y/o DD who doesn’t want to be “left behind” by peers?

[SleepyRooster]

DD is finishing Y4. A gang of her school friends are getting competitive (she feels) about physical development, and using stuff like deodorant etc. She’s not. No sweat or BO at all. DD is slim and active and very much average developer ie periods unlikely til she is 12 or so.
She says herself that she doesn’t want anything she “doesn’t need” ie deodorant, skincare, “bra tops” (her term). At the same time the poor thing feels left out, sad about that, and I wonder if it’s just down to what the other mums are doing ie is it my fault . I’m not into turning my kid into a consumerist mini-woman when she’s 9. Obviously I’m also a tiresome parent who limits screen time etc., has a dread fear of TikTok etc etc. so maybe she’s reaping what I’ve sown.

My question is, is there a “thing” I can treat her to, or allow her, that will make her feel a bit of progression, without us both having to do stuff that makes us uncomfortable? All I have is “home pedicure” which feels lame. I really want to cheer her up!

@VoltaireMittyDreamyou are possibly right on the money there. I did find it slightly illogical that she said she didn’t want items that she “didn’t need” - given how bothered she felt about being left behind. She may feel she would be judged not only by judgy old me but older sister. (Apple, tree).

I am not so ideologically narrow that I’d refuse her things like soft crop tops or whatever. (I do shop, buy nice clothes and makeup myself, I’m not a total hair shirt). Just that I want it to be something considered, because it’s important to her. Not unthinking “oh go on then,” because others at school are.

A Stanley cup

Tinted lip balm

Also second this though… my DD is currently in a field camping, has been on a residential camp for the last week doing all sorts of outdoorsy things and absolutely no screens allowed. It’s a balancing act at this age but keep her grounded, and keep talking, I’m sure you’ll find a good middle ground.

Also other things that have made DD feel a little more grown up that have nothing to do with the beauty industry:

• a wallet (and giving her the responsibility to look after her own pocket money etc)
• a watch and being allowed to knock for a local friend but be home at a specific time
• a magazine subscription related to favourite hobby (she has been going to her hobby alone more recently too without me hanging around)

My mum bought me perfume at that age which i loved. A grown up back pack, handbag or wallet were also good. I wasn't allowed non-sensible fashion shoes until I was a teenager though!

A trip to Lush for a bath bomb or a body spray might be nice. And a cheap lipbalm stick.

Does she have to change for PE in front of other girls? In which case, a little crop top might make her feel more grown up, though it’s really just a short vest.

Oh, and reading PPs, I got my first swiss army knife at 9, just the tiny one. I still use it loads 30 years later! My uncle bought it, I suspect my mum had a heart attack on Christmas morning

All these answers don't seem to be what your DD wants. Maybe she doesn't want a stanley cup and lipgloss. Maybe she wants a band t-shirt and some anime stickers. There are other ways to be grown up!

Hi OP I wonder whether you can support her by listening and recognising her feelings. It is hard when people change and friendships change. I would be sure to acknowledge how difficult that is but also reassure her that friends can have different interests. I would also encourage her to have hobbies and hang around with kids who have hobbies.

You are not a tiresome mum AT ALL, she is 9, you as spot on that she needs non of those things. My DD was/is the same. She’s 11 now and a little spotty so we got some very gentle spots and stripes cleanser and balm. She uses wild deodorant as it’s super gentle (but she did get v.sweaty/fragrant at about 10).
What about a gentle suncream for her face as nobody is too young for spf? And a body spray (both me and Dd like impulse Vanilla Orchid - it’s pump action not aerosol and we spray and walk into it rather than spray on us like a deodorant).

it breaks my heart that girls (and lots of parents) these days seem in a mad hurry to behave/look like little grown ups.

also dd is 11 and has no smartphone or social media.

trust your gut.

Also just thought, she is probably a way of periods but equally there is not always an indication so personally I would maybe shop with her for a just in case period pouch for her school bag. Better to be prepared 2/3 yrs early than get caught out unprepared. We did this as I thought she was getting monthly nausea due to impending period so we made a little bag with period pants, tiny pads, hand gel and wet bag. It still lives in her school bag.

I think it also makes them feel more comfortable with it if it’s just been there everyday, so that when the time comes it’s slightly less daunting?

Just go with what she wants to do and let her take the lead. It sounds a little bit like you are clinging on to her not growing up, but realistically, many 9 year olds do need bra tops and deodorant and to look after their skin (I don’t mean TikTok skincare fads, I mean like simple face wash and some moisturiser). Those other parents aren’t doing anything wrong necessarily or pushing their dds. They are just meeting their needs. Your dd may just be in a different place developmentally.

Just be careful not to hold her back. My mum wouldn’t even deal with any of that stuff because she was so pathologically worked up about me growing up. So I ended up having to do things like sneak money out of her purse to go buy pads and tampons because she couldn’t cope with the thought of buying them for me. I think other than maybe my first ever period at 10/11. I don’t think she ever bought me any. It was awful.

Very recently been through this with DD and lip gloss, body spray and a big Primark shop every now and then seems to do the trick! Crucially it was allowing her to pick exactly what she wanted with minimal/no input from me that seemed to be the biggest boost to her confidence, even if I didn’t like smell/style etc (obvs would have drawn a line if she picked anything wildly inappropriate but we didn’t encounter that, thankfully)

If she’s not asking for ‘things’ and you don’t want to buy them, you could focus on helping her to understand that everyone develops differently and there is nothing wrong with that / she won’t be left behind etc. Sounds like she needs reassurance. You don’t have to act on every negative emotion, maybe just listening and empathising might be enough.

New boots and new bag are needed I feel!

@mindutopiaI am trying hard not to hold her back/ baby her, even though she’s my youngest. Agree that all age-appropriate needs should be addressed, I’d never want her , for instance, lacking period products or knowledge , it’s so important. I just want to support her through this peer-pressure stage, without caving in

all the perspectives and tips here are so interesting.

I would absolutely look at cropped vest tops, I don’t care how hot my DDs get they wear vests, cropped vests, then bralets & bras always.

You could look at body sprays, you can get crayon perfumes, nail stickers, lip balms, maybe have a nail date with her.

My almost 8yo has a “skincare” routine, she wants to be like her older sisters and what her friends are getting into, the routine consists of face wash, day moisturiser and night moisturiser, we made a big deal out of hers being expensive and better than her sisters, but only because she’s never liked the sensation of cream even though she has bad eczema. It’s CeraVe so it’s actually a very good thing as far as we are concerned.

Ive always told my DDs they can help themselves to my makeup, sprays & products when they like. I never pushed it, I would just say happy for you to use when getting ready, they just need to let me know if they use something and make sure it’s put back. Over time they would experiment in their own time, now they have better stuff than me.

My oldest was a couple of years behind her peers starting with this stuff and my middle many years ahead of her peers with skincare and make up, she always preferred makeup to toys. Thankfully they have never had the boy obsession that most of their peers have had since about year 4/5.

Takes me back many yrs. She sounds like me. I was one of the last to wear a bra, and was 14 yrs 4 months when I started my periods. My mum offered to buy me a padded bra but I declined. I wasn't too bothered, though it seemed to be something my mum was conscious of on my behalf. It's on your mind, but it may not be as much a thing for your DD as you fear. Yr 4, aren't they just 9? That seems very early to be approaching puberty. I know you always get a few early starters, but I find it hard to believe they're developing in droves. There may be some play acting taking place As for treats, what about nice perfume? Or a bag? If you can, it might be an idea to subtly mention the advantages of not developing too early, not least more time to grow, since growth slows markedly after the onset of menstruation. Finally, you're not a tiresome parent, just a responsible one.

When my daughter was her age,maybe a bit younI used to colour her hair crazy colours for the school holidays. They completely wash out after a couple of shampoos. I'll see if I can find a link to the product.

https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/264959933072. I think it's this brand but I bought it from an afro carribean hair product plce. Dont bother with crazy colour ,it's useless now

Shower gel is mostly made from petroleum products. Far far better to use vegetable based soap, even better pure olive oil soap. And SPF is definitely not necessary in the UK for most of the year.

My older dd is quite keen on scented hand sanitiser at the moment. At that age she also had a massive collection of flavoured lip balms.

I’d definitely put some crop tops in her drawer. I’m not sure on the changing for PE rules now but when my dd was that age the girls and boys got changed together and year 5 most of the girls wore crop tops or bra tops whether they needed them or not.

Agree with body sprays and lip balm and let her choose a new school bag.

Hair tinsel is cool round here.

But if she’s sporty I’d just encourage her to stick with that as her ‘thing’. The sporty girls I know have a much easier ride through school & teenage years than the ones who try to be popular and fashionable

Definitely don't encourage her or push her towards anything she doesn't want or need but be led by her. My youngest has gone through very short phases or wanting to wear crop tops but she's soon got bored of it.

You also sound a tiny bit judgemental of the other mums. Some of their dds might well need deodorant or bra tops or they might just be following their interests and letting them experiment with makeup etc which is fine too.