Another Parent Approached My Child

[CircussMasterr]

Just looking for a bit of advice. My DD was approached by another child’s parent in the playground before school last week. She came home and told me about it when school was finished. Apparently the parent said to her to leave their child alone or they would speak to me. To be clear, this parent has my husband’s phone number and knows where we live.

Now, I know my DD isn’t a saint, she can be bossy/rude, just like any other kid can. They are children, they do have disagreements. These, as far as I have ever been aware, have been dealt with by the teachers and are not anything out of the ordinary behaviour wise for kids of this age.

I’ve never been shy to tell my DD if what she is doing/how she is behaving is unacceptable and I do enforce consequences to her actions where needed. When someone treats her unkindly I have told her to firstly tell them what they are doing and how it makes her feel in case they don’t realise and then if it continues to just tell them she doesn’t want to play with them because they keep doing the same thing.

She has had a bit of an on again off again friendship with this parent’s child. They just seem to clash sometimes. This child now comes into school telling my DD that her parent is going to beat me up, her parent is going to come to our house and speak to me because my DD is bullying her etc. I told my DD to say that’s totally fine and that I am more than happy to have a conversation with her Mum. When I have seen this parent out they don’t say anything, I smile, they nod, that sort of thing. We’re not best pals but I assumed this was all just kids being kids as they never came to me or even hinted there was an issue.

Now to find out that they have approached my DD themselves and what I feel can only be described as intimidated her I feel really pissed off.

I called the school and the HT said that she didn’t feel it was something she needed to inform me about as it happened on school grounds and she dealt with it. We disagreed on this and she apologised and assured me that it would not happen again. She also told me she had spoken to the other parent.

My DD still struggling with this all as there is another friend that now seems caught between her and the other child and the other child seems to be making her choose a “side”.

This parent was at a school event that my husband was at and didn’t say a word to him. They haven’t reached out. I’m not sure what to do?

so your daughter is a bully and the mum told her to leave her child alone or she would speak to you?

Seems perfectly reasonable tbh. She didn’t threaten her. She didn’t assault her. She asked her to stop bullying her child. Hopefully it worked. Good on the parent. Your child should be struggling with this and maybe it’ll make her listen and stop bullying people in future

I’d have done exactly the same 🤷🏼‍♀️
Teach her to be more saint like if you don’t want her to be confronted.

A village used to raise children and children behaved because they knew other adults would tell them off. They fact she told your daughter just to leave her child alone rather than be kinder to her or include her or anything suggests you daughter is bullying her to me. My guess is the school aren't dealing with it well enough and she shouldn't have to approach you so she tried to protect her child by telling your daughter to stop it. Perhaps not right especially at school but she was thinking of her child.

her parent is going to come to our house and speak to me because my DD is bullying her etc. I told my DD to say that’s totally fine and that I am more than happy to have a conversation with her Mum.

That was your response, not that she should just stop bullying this child?

If the school didn’t think it was necessary to inform you of this incident, then what else aren’t they telling you? Maybe your daughter is much worse than you realise.

? Do previous posters have kids? OP says her daughters behaviour is nothing out of the ordinary - if the HT felt that OP’s DD was a bully I am sure she would have mentioned it.

The parents are being very unwise and odd to approach your DD directly. I would say to your DD you dont agree with how they have behaved, and if they approach her again she is to tell them to speak to you. I would encourage other friendships outside the two girls mentioned, and ask your DD to reflect on whether there is anything she could have done differently to avoid it.

These parents should have approached the teacher if they suspect bullying. They are teaching their DD a very unhelpful lesson that she doesnt have to fix things as they will go steaming in. Its always inappropriate to approach and reprimand a child directly in a frightening way without the parent or a teacher there. Thats not what a village means at all.

OP you need to just go through the school to deal with this. None of us here know who is in the right or the wrong but nothing good will come from directly approaching this family.

Yabu. I would do exactly as this other parent did. You need to teach your child not to be a bully. There are consequences to her behaviour.

There are loads of parents who think their children's behaviour isn't out of the ordinary when in fact their behaviour is awful! Many parents cannot or will not accept that. Why would a parent approach another child if truly a child wasn't in the wrong. It doesn't make sense.

I don’t think it’s appropriate at all for a parent to approach a child in this way. I’m not reading it as a bully but a parent who is honest and knows that in the primary school environment there will be times when children fall out and her child won’t always have behaved in a saint like manner. I certainly didn’t when I was at school and nor did anyone.

Any issues with bullying should go through the school, otherwise things can become increasingly difficult to manage and sometimes even dangerous.

Why did everyone jump to bullying?! Op they should have come to you, parents should deal with parents. I think you should comment but you do need to talk to your child and listen to this parent to make sure you have the full story

? Do previous posters have kids? OP says her daughters behaviour is nothing out of the ordinary - if the HT felt that OP’s DD was a bully I am sure she would have mentioned it.

Yes I do and while I wouldn’t have done what this other parent did it’s naive in the extreme to think that all parents have an accurate gauge of their children’s behaviour at school. I don’t know anyone who thinks having a child they describe as rude or bossy is normal or desirable. She’s no saint sounds like a heck of euphemism for a pain in the arse who’s frequently unkind to other kids.

I actually agree with you OP, that it was unacceptable.

I still remember being 8 years old and my friend’s mother approaching me as I lined up on the yard and yelling at me and telling me I wasn’t allowed to play with her child. I didn’t know what I had done wrong and still don’t. But it still pops into my head occasionally almost 40 years later!
It is not a nice feeling.

You’ve said yourself your child is bossy and shows bully behaviour. This isn’t just “normal” child behaviour and I would do the same as the parent because it’s clear your child isn’t listening to you.

Sometimes it takes the shock of an outside adult letting them know what they’re doing isn’t ok for them to actually listen.

As long as the parent was having a normal conversation and wasn’t being aggressive there is no issue.

Maybe Im reading this totally wrong but my take on the op was that the ops child isnt perfect and the op acknowledges that. But to me it seems like its the other kid and their parent that is the bully not the ops kid. Its the other kid who is demanding who is friends with who and its their parent who is marching around giving out instructions and threats.

Honestly, I do not think it is healthy to society that adults can no longer speak with children and also teach them societal expectations when they are acting out.

Encouraging a child to feel violated by this experience is ridiculous and harmful.

Good grief!

Sounds like the mum had reached the end of her teather I'd of done the same. Bullying is never ok stop minimising your child's actions. If you don't parent your child appropriately others will

They are children and it was on school grounds. The parent was out of order to approach your child directly. She should have spoken to a member of staff. Whether your child is badly behaved or not, that's irrelevant, that adult should not have approached her directly.

Sounds like the other Mother is at the end if her tether with your bullying daughter.

I would focus more on your daughter's behaviour before she ends up with no friends at all. You should thank the other Mother for giving you this light bulb moment.

It sounds like the HT has not taken the incident as seriously as the parents would have liked so they took matters into their own hands. Without knowing more details, it’s hard to say who is in the wrong here.

Your biggest problem is that your child is a bully and another child is suffering. Deal with that.

I personally would have told my daughter to leave other child alone, and do as she's told. She's clearly upset this child and her parent. Stop pandering to your daughter and taking her side over the adult, if your not careful you'll create an entitled monster.

Most kids can be bossy from time to time. Learning not to be is part of school life and is as important as other academic things on the curriculum.

Has everyone else’s child really always been kind, fair, firm when needed but shown allowances when appropriate too? I doubt it!

I don't think it's normal or appropriate at all to speak to the child directly. The other parent should have gone to the school or to you.

I am surprised that you haven't approached the other parent. I would have done so immediately. Not to 'have a go' but just to ask why she had done it and to ask her to speak to me in future.

Now, I know my DD isn’t a saint, she can be bossy/rude, just like any other kid can.

You’re normalising this bad behaviour OP. STOP this for her sake (and for the children and adults at School).
It’s never ok for her to be rude or bossy.

I hear so many Mums describe their girls as sassy or a diva. They are just rude, and I tell you now……other adults NEVER think it’s cute/funny or normal in any way ( even though they will tell you it’s all of the above)
Do her a favour and teach her to always treat other people with kindness and respect. Rudeness is not acceptable.