Another Parent Approached My Child

[CircussMasterr]

Just looking for a bit of advice. My DD was approached by another child’s parent in the playground before school last week. She came home and told me about it when school was finished. Apparently the parent said to her to leave their child alone or they would speak to me. To be clear, this parent has my husband’s phone number and knows where we live.

Now, I know my DD isn’t a saint, she can be bossy/rude, just like any other kid can. They are children, they do have disagreements. These, as far as I have ever been aware, have been dealt with by the teachers and are not anything out of the ordinary behaviour wise for kids of this age.

I’ve never been shy to tell my DD if what she is doing/how she is behaving is unacceptable and I do enforce consequences to her actions where needed. When someone treats her unkindly I have told her to firstly tell them what they are doing and how it makes her feel in case they don’t realise and then if it continues to just tell them she doesn’t want to play with them because they keep doing the same thing.

She has had a bit of an on again off again friendship with this parent’s child. They just seem to clash sometimes. This child now comes into school telling my DD that her parent is going to beat me up, her parent is going to come to our house and speak to me because my DD is bullying her etc. I told my DD to say that’s totally fine and that I am more than happy to have a conversation with her Mum. When I have seen this parent out they don’t say anything, I smile, they nod, that sort of thing. We’re not best pals but I assumed this was all just kids being kids as they never came to me or even hinted there was an issue.

Now to find out that they have approached my DD themselves and what I feel can only be described as intimidated her I feel really pissed off.

I called the school and the HT said that she didn’t feel it was something she needed to inform me about as it happened on school grounds and she dealt with it. We disagreed on this and she apologised and assured me that it would not happen again. She also told me she had spoken to the other parent.

My DD still struggling with this all as there is another friend that now seems caught between her and the other child and the other child seems to be making her choose a “side”.

This parent was at a school event that my husband was at and didn’t say a word to him. They haven’t reached out. I’m not sure what to do?

Not appropriate. Adults deal with adults. Children are dealt with by their own trusted adults - either their parents or people like teachers - unless a grown-up has specifically been left in charge of the child in question.

As for the "village", there are a whole lot of adults out there who are incapable of taking a balanced perspective and behaving appropriately when talking to young children so no, disciplining/threatening other people's kids is a no-no. The power imbalance is too much and irate, out-of-control adults are scary.

How old are the children?

Bossy doesn't always mean bully

Yes good post.

You said yourself that your child is no angel. What do you think she’s doing when you’re not there to tell her off? Tell your daughter to leave hers alone. Might be a good lesson for her not to pick on others! If parent approaches yours again then speak to the parent directly.

What was happening at that moment that made the other parent intervene?

I don't see any harm in a parent stepping in if another child is being unkind to their child.

I have often told children to stop if they're not behaving nicely to my or any child. It comes all natural if you're the only adult around hearing what's happening. I would be happy for someone to tell my child to stop if he was doing something dangerous or hurtful to others as long as it was said calmly in a non aggressive way.

The parents said she would speak to you didnt threaten you or dd. Dont see anything wrong.

I’d say think more about what your dd is doing op. And help her if she needs it.

Sorry I'd be really unhappy if a parent approached my child.

As someone else said... Adults deal with adults.

How old are these children OP? I'm assuming primary school, but there's a big difference between age 5 and age 11.

While it is possible that your child’s behaviour is normal, it’s also possible that it’s not and that she is bullying the other child. While I probably wouldn’t speak to a child directly, if I felt the school weren’t taking proper steps and the parents were a lost cause in terms of acknowledging their child’s behaviour, it’s not impossible that I would say something if I thought it would protect/help my daughter. Have you directly asked the school if they think your daughter is displaying any bullying behaviour? They may also think you are not someone who is willing to accept it which would certainly explain why they didn’t tell you about the mother telling your child off.

At the very least, you should probably tell your daughter to avoid interacting with the other child as far as possible so there can be no misunderstanding.

Good on them for standing up for their child.
You need to step up too and teach your child that their behaviour will quite rightly be called out by others, not just by you or their dad.

Kindly, it takes a village to raise children. Part of it is realising that everyone has a responsibility to ensure children are given boundaries when it affects others.

I would probably approach the parent myself and ask if everything is ok; or if I was antagonistic I would organise a meeting at the school with the child’s parents and see what they have to say. However I agree it’s possible your dd is behaving worse than you realise..! Also you only have your dds word for all this…

A sharp shock is what is usually required with a bully.
Someone bigger than them telling them to stop it usually delivers.

Honestly I think it depends on the age of the child. I have had a couple of occasions where I have spoken to a kid who was bullying my child. However these was 12 years old and not little kids. I did try speaking to the parents but nobody seems to be able to accept that there kid is being a bully and they tend to believe there child's lies even though at the time there was witnesses to back up the bullying claim.

And personally if another parent told me my child was bullying someone there would be big consequences becsuse bullying is so wrong and they need to learn that. Children can act very differently around there friends and at school so although you don't see it and say she is abit bossy, she could very much be bullying another child. The first thing I would be doing is speaking to the parent to get the full picture and then take it from there.

If I knew my child was no angel to an extent that the other parent had to step in, I would see it as a failure of my parenting and I would double down on my child's bad behaviour intead of looking for excuses.

You want to feel the parent was at fault because you're defensive for your child, but maybe the best outcome would be if you asked your daughter to apologise to the girl

This. There are countless threads on here about childrenwho are in trouble at school 'but have done nothing out of the ordinary' when clearly they have .

Why is everyone so sure that op's child is the bully? I'm sure we've all seen enough emotionally incontinent chat on our kids' school's Facebook group to know that some adults react first and think later (if at all). Confronting children is not the way to resolve anything

The only times I would say something to a child about their behaviour are if I saw bad behaviour then and there (I don’t see the point in sitting on it then telling tales later) or if my daughter was telling me about frequent problems with a particular child and the school wasn’t dealing with it effectively.
I will stick up for my kid if I feel the need. She doesn’t have older siblings to protect her plus watching me deal with bullying behaviour helps her to learn by example how to stick up for herself and what kind of behaviour is out of bounds. It discourages kids from targeting her too because they know someone is there to put a stop to it.
If another parent did the same to my child I would want to get to the bottom of why they felt the need to do this. I would just go up and calmly ask them.

It is not normal for a child to be bossy and rude. Raise your standards OP. It sounds like the other parent has.

Was the parents addressing an issue in the moment?? Ie your dd was bothering her dd and she asked her to leave her alone or I will tell your mum?

Did she seek your dd out to say this? If so I would think your dd is definitely bullying her dd, and would be more bothered about that.

My child started plucking her eyelashes out because a child in the new school was picking on her. My child has never had behavioural issues but now she’s crying most days at school refusing to do school work. As a result of a parent who being spoken to by several parents over her child’s behaviour still thinks her daughter is a saint. You are an enabler and you need to do better for your child OP. If my kids school hadn’t stepped in I was ready to have a conversation with the bully myself. You are clearly aware that your child has behavioural issues accept it and work on a plan to correct this behaviour

First, the OP didn’t say her DD shows ‘bullying behaviour’.
Second, any adult who thinks it’s ok to approach someone else’s child to tell them off IS a bully themselves, Because the dynamic power is well and truly in the hands of the adult.

Blimey! 😧