Another Parent Approached My Child

[CircussMasterr]

Just looking for a bit of advice. My DD was approached by another child’s parent in the playground before school last week. She came home and told me about it when school was finished. Apparently the parent said to her to leave their child alone or they would speak to me. To be clear, this parent has my husband’s phone number and knows where we live.

Now, I know my DD isn’t a saint, she can be bossy/rude, just like any other kid can. They are children, they do have disagreements. These, as far as I have ever been aware, have been dealt with by the teachers and are not anything out of the ordinary behaviour wise for kids of this age.

I’ve never been shy to tell my DD if what she is doing/how she is behaving is unacceptable and I do enforce consequences to her actions where needed. When someone treats her unkindly I have told her to firstly tell them what they are doing and how it makes her feel in case they don’t realise and then if it continues to just tell them she doesn’t want to play with them because they keep doing the same thing.

She has had a bit of an on again off again friendship with this parent’s child. They just seem to clash sometimes. This child now comes into school telling my DD that her parent is going to beat me up, her parent is going to come to our house and speak to me because my DD is bullying her etc. I told my DD to say that’s totally fine and that I am more than happy to have a conversation with her Mum. When I have seen this parent out they don’t say anything, I smile, they nod, that sort of thing. We’re not best pals but I assumed this was all just kids being kids as they never came to me or even hinted there was an issue.

Now to find out that they have approached my DD themselves and what I feel can only be described as intimidated her I feel really pissed off.

I called the school and the HT said that she didn’t feel it was something she needed to inform me about as it happened on school grounds and she dealt with it. We disagreed on this and she apologised and assured me that it would not happen again. She also told me she had spoken to the other parent.

My DD still struggling with this all as there is another friend that now seems caught between her and the other child and the other child seems to be making her choose a “side”.

This parent was at a school event that my husband was at and didn’t say a word to him. They haven’t reached out. I’m not sure what to do?

Really you spoke with the HT about the other parent but you didn’t have the guts to apologise to the other parent and assure them that your daughter wont bully their child again. You’re taking a defensive stance and you refuse to see that the problem is your child. I wouldn’t want my child bullied either. Actually you are also the problem.

Believe me, half the children I’ve taught can be ‘bossy and rude’. A good % of those that don’t appear to be bossy are sneaky and underhand. Not all poor behaviour is obvious.

Sounds like your child is a bully and you and the school have not resolved the problem. The problem is your child and you. Not the other parent.

I once saw my childs bully kicking him during pick up time. I approached the bully together with the teacher and he tried to deny what I saw. Teacher told parents what I saw and what she saw and the parents dealt with their child and he never kicked or bullied my son again. You have to accept your daughter is the problem and you have to help her change.

What you’re describing is classic bullying

If it stops my child being bullied and miserable at school I couldn’t care less.

I would expect the other parent to speak to me first rather than going straight to DD (assuming they had some way to get in touch with me), and would do the same if another child was doing something to upset DD.

I’d expect school to be on top of it in the first instance though, and would certainly report to them if a child told my DD that their mum was going to come round and beat me up.

Why is everyone ignoring the other parent’s verbal threats to OP? That is quite serious.

op knows her daughter is in the wrong and cant face it

How embarrassing. You need to find out what your daughter has been doing and stop her doing it. Her behaviour sounds vile.

Every other kid isn’t bossy and rude OP

Perhaps you should take courage in your hands and go and actually speak to the other Mother and be prepared to hear, and take on board, what your DD has been doing to hers.

Don't get into a slagging match, don't try and defend your DD, but actually be prepared to hear potentially unpleasant things about your own child, and then fix it. Fix her behaviour and this situation.

@arcticpandasi agree. If I am the only adult I will say something especially if it involves my child. I don’t see harm in a parent stepping in if another child is being unkind.
I am unsure of what event this was at and what happened ending in your daughter being spoke to OP.
I find a lot of parents just are unaware of how bad their child’s behaviour is!

There is a child at my daughters football training…we all sit and watch the training and she makes a bee line for my daughter….she goes over and says something nasty to her or tries to push her over. The child’s dad watches and says nothing…doesn’t think the behaviour is unacceptable…..he’s not bothered when I’ve mentioned it! It hasn’t gone unnoticed with other parents and the coach either.
They keep them on separate teams.
My daughter keeps away from her…I’ve told her to keep away as well and she is unbothered by her. I did say out loud when the child was standing next to me…..and her dad……’I did see what ‘said child’ has done and just stay away from ‘said child’ as it isn’t kind!!’ The child knows exactly what she is doing. I have now found out from another parent that this child does this to other children at school as she doesn’t like other people being her daughter’s friend and school is having to separate them to protect her daughter. (Which is what has happened at football, my daughter is friends with ‘said Childs’ friend)
Sometimes matters need to be taken into your own hands for the sake of your child!

Sounds like the other parent has no faith in you actually bothering to do anything so has stepped in after she's reached the end of her tether.

By the way you write I would probably feel the same. You're very quick to write it all off as just childish behaviour but you've clearly known for a while there has been issues between them and you've done nothing other than give your child a pretty non committal response.

This. Am gobsmacked at the posters on this thread who seem to think that yob vigilante-style parenting is acceptable. It’s not remotely appropriate for a parent to approach or threaten another child on school grounds. They should be going through the school and if necessary speaking to the other child’s parents.

Primary aged kids fall out all the time and it’s unwise to assume you know what is going on without speaking to the school direct. No parent should be going off on one directly at another kid about a matter which has occurred in school and is already being dealt with by the school.

My DH ended up doing something similar to a little toerag who had been mercilessly bullying our then Primary age DD who has ASD. I didn't know he was going to do this and was horrified that the kid would tell the parents and the police would get called. Prior to that the school had tried intervening and I had spoken to his parents all to no avail.
However all that happened was that this boy left my DD alone after that.
OP maybe focus less on the fact THAT this parent spoke to your kid and more on WHY they felt they had to do this.

It all sounds like the Jeremy Kyle show on this thread.

It's not appropriate at all for the other parent to approach your child about something that seems to be an issue but about which ~you have not been made aware~.

My child was approached my a parent in the playground and told to stop ‘bullying their child’. According to the majority of posters on here that was perfectly acceptable and they would do the same. It took my child a day to tell me, he burst into tears and told me what had happened and that he was scared to be in the playground. Luckily, when I took him back into school they took it seriously. They asked the parents involved not to do this and sent a communication to all parents to raise any issues with the school and never to approach another child.

There was a bully in this scenario and it was the adult scaring my child. Oh, the reason why the parent felt she had to do this was that she never believed her child could do anything wrong. Despite the number of incidents involving their child they never believed he ever did anything wrong including excluding other children, getting other children to attack someone, trying to put a child in a bin.

I'd be going to the school and asking for a full account of what is going on.

If your daughter is the bully here you have to address it and not minimise it.

That said - primary school parents can be crazy. One made an allegation about my daughter in Reception - my response was to go straight to the school to understand what was going on and to speak to my DD about it, assuming the mother was right. In retrospect, this was too hasty. I felt a bit disloyal to DD and like I had shown I didn't have her back.

Yabu because it sounds like your child IS the problem.

Tell your child this other child isn't their friend, they should just avoid them but not be rude and go find other kids to play with.

If you take it to the school it shpuld only be in the capacity of understanding how you can support them in preventing your child bullying another which is what sound like is happening.

People dont do this sort of thing likely... that womens child is likely very very upset and she spoke to your child in desperation for a solve.

What ages are the children?

I agree.

Even if the ops DC is bullying their child, it's completely inappropriate to approach someone else's child particularly if their parent is not there. I'd be telling them to communicate via the school and never approach my child again

It’s not acceptable but I would do that same if my kid was being bullied .

It doesn't really sound like anything though because no adult has bothered to speak to the parent.